Friday, February 24, 2006

White House Katrina report blames evaporation for massive casualties

White House Katrina report blames evaporation for massive casualties

The White House report investigating the underlying reasons behind the huge casualty figure due to Hurricane Katrina was released yesterday. The report, which absolves the President of any blame in his handling of the hurricane aftermath, points to the widespread occurrence of evaporation in the Atlantic Ocean as being the culprit most responsible for the hurricane casualties.

Speaking to reporters, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, "Ordinarily, the first reaction to such a tragedy would have been to blame the hurricane itself for all the destruction and loss of life. However, after careful investigation carried out by a committee consisting of me, the First Lady and her personal make-up assistant, it has been concluded that the hurricane was actually a byproduct of the rampant conversion of seawater into water vapor that occurred above the Atlantic Ocean."

Scott McClellan made it clear that he was not prepared to make the science of Physics the only scapegoat. "Apart from evaporation, we have also identified a number of other minor causes behind the tragedy, such as the sun, the rotation of the earth and finally, the environmentalists who keep harping on solar energy as an alternative to fossil fuels, but refuse to acknowledge the presence of a darker side to its implementation, which includes the creation of deadly storms."

The report gave the President high marks on his handling of the crisis. Chief investigator and First Lady Laura Bush, was especially complimentary of the president's success in keeping the country from panicking by staying calm and detached from reality. "A lesser man would have succumbed to the intense pressure and immediately made his way to the Gulf coast to examine the destruction with his own eyes", said Mrs Bush, praising her husband's post-Katrina unruffled demeanour. "Fortunately, my husband is made of sterner stuff. He made it a point to attend numerous insignificant publicity events throughout the country before finally making his way to Louisiana after a full 4 days of staying calm."

Some reporters questioned Mr McClellan regarding the conflict of interest involved in the White House investigating its own incompetence. He however denied the charge. "We have also hired ex-First Lady Mrs Barbara Bush as a consultant to aid us in this investigation", he said. "Mrs Bush has always been extremely impartial while raising the president and his brother Jeb Bush throughout their childhood, bestowing no special treatment upon either of the siblings. I am sure she can be trusted to maintain her impartiality during these proceedings as well."

Karl Rove : 9/11 saved America from a future terrorist attack

Karl Rove, the White House advisor, today raised many eyebrows in political circles when he claimed that the 9/11 attacks probably saved many more lives in the long run by preventing future terror attacks.

"Due to the prolonged absence of wars, Americans had become soft and lethargic, becoming less vigilant towards the rest of the world, which led to terrorists exploiting the situation and killing 3000 Americans", said Mr Rove to reporters as he walked out of a republican convention where he had just raped puppies to much applause. "9/11 was a positive development. This attack on American soil resulted in an increase in American opposition to being killed, thus avoiding more terror attacks in the future which might have killed even more Americans."

Mr Rove further stated that the primary goal of the White House behind ignoring all the pre-9/11 memos given by the CIA that warned of impending attacks had always been to wake Americans up to the danger of terrorism by allowing a terrorist attack on American soil. "9/11 changed the world", he said. "It converted millions of bleeding heart American pacifists into bloodthirsty warmongerers. That proves that the terror attack was a complete success."

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Bush clarifies White House position on Arab hatred

After being bombarded with criticism from both republicans as well as democrats about his administration's decision to entrust the operation of six major American ports to an Arab-owned company, President Bush issued a press statement clarifying his government's official position on xenophobia.

"It is wrong for Americans to be suspicious of all Arabs", said the President. "Most Arabs are harmless law-abiding rich people, merely pawns in America's global geopolitical aspirations. It is only the harmful Arab poor who do not own well-moneyed multinational conglomerates that we need to be worried about", he added.

In a separate statement supporting the port deal, Deputy Defense Secretary Gordon England said, "If the furor over the port deal should go on, it would give enemies of the United States aid and comfort. The only people we should be providing aid and comfort to are the rich billionaires of the Middle East who satisfy all our hydrocarbon needs." (via Atrios)

The president insisted that the American public had misunderstood the White House's position on anti-Arab paranoia. "When I requested Americans to be terrified just in time for the presidential election, I was referring only to a specific Arab demographic they needed to be terrified of", he said. "We are not delivering our ports to Arabs who fly planes into buildings and kill Americans. We are giving them to Arabs who own planes and kill other Arabs. It is necessary for Americans to recognize that distinction and be responsibly xenophobic, otherwise it might send all the wrong signals to the Muslim world", he continued.

American Arabs, many of whom fled the dictatorships in their respective countries in order to settle in the Land of the Free, rallied to the defence of Dubai Ports World, a company owned by one of the very same dictatorships. "If the president chooses to award a multibillion dollar no-bid contract to one of his cronies, we would prefer that the crony be an Arab company rather than one from Texas", said a spokesman.

In unrelated news, Apple Itunes reached a landmark billion downloads, thus allowing Apple CEO Steve Jobs to finally save up enough money to buy that hot black video IPod he had always wanted.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Murder in the name of communal harmony

When I first heard about Yaqoob Qureishi, the UP minister for Haj and minority affairs, offering a bounty for the murder of a Danish cartoonist who caricatured the Prophet Mohammed, the first thought that scurried terrified through my mind was good Lord, would this be instrumental in sparking off a round of long-overdue communal riots in the country? However, after observing the strange turn of events that have subsequently unfolded, I am now pleased to concede that I was wrong in my analysis. In fact, these events have stripped the veneer of apparent religious lunacy from Mr Qureishi's call for murder and bared it for what it actually is : A bold initiative to end Hindu Muslim strife once and for all. To create an India united as never before. An India where Hindus and Muslims would finally cease their attempts to try and exterminate each other from the face of the planet and instead, select a group of people chosen from both religions through the democratic process of bipartisan consensus, and exterminate that group instead.

Soon after Mr Qureishi embarked on his unification initiative by offering a reward for reducing the number of Danish cartoonists in the world by one, a fundamentalist Hindu organization joined him in his crusade for religious harmony by chipping in and offering their own reward to murder M.F Husain, the painter, who has depicted Hindu goddesses in the nude. This gesture of goodwill then set into motion a cycle of benevolent bipartisanship from fundamentalists of both sides who kept aside centuries of religious conflict in order to achieve their common goal. The goal being to eliminate any dissenters from both their religions.

Towards that end, the Madhya Pradesh Congress Committee Minority Cell vice-chairman Akthar Baig reciprocated the Hindu initiative by offering his own generous bounty of 11 lakhs, that too from his own personal stash of ill-gotten cash, that would be issued for chopping off the hands of the renowned Muslim artist. All this communal agreement and goodwill would have had anyone wiping their tears in joy, except for the future limbless Mr. Husain. But even he, I imagine, would be honored to be a martyr in the fight against sectarian violence by donating his severed limbs to the country.

However, I have a couple of doubts I would like these purveyors of interfaith amity to respond to. Mr Ashok Pandey, proprietor of the Hindu fundamentalist organization in question, has announced:

"Anyone who kills Husain for making obscene paintings of goddess Sarswati and Bharat Mata, the Danish cartoonist, those in the German company printing pictures of Ram and Krishna on tissue paper and the French filmmaker desecrating Lord Shiva will be given Rs 51 crore in cash by the board"

I would like to know, just in case I decide to switch professions at this juncture and turn into a career hitman, in order to be eligible for the bounty of 51 crores, would I have to kill all the gentlemen in the list, or would the slaughter of just one of these godless infidels suffice? And does the 51 crores constitute the entire bounty amount or is it 51 crores per hit? These are relevant questions that beg clarification in order to aid any would-be assasin in making an educated decision.

Secondly, I would like to say this to Mr Akhtar Baig, who has offered 11 lakhs for chopping off Mr Husain's hands : Sir, I am deeply impressed by your business model. If I understand it correctly, you have modularized the M.F Husain assassination project into manageable sections which includes the removal of his hands, legs, hips, head, genitals, etc in a stepwise fashion. Since eliminating his hands constitutes about 11 lakhs worth of the project out of the full 51 crores, I would like to know the bounty amount I would be eligible for if I took the coward's way out and merely clipped his toenails. Would that count for anything? Anything at all?

In conclusion, I reiterate my support to this ambitious and, uptil now, hugely successful endeavour initiated by Mr Yaqoob Qureishi, a gentleman who we have been guilty of inflicting wrongful demonization upon, and whose motives have sadly been misrepresented by the media so far. Let us now as a nation, stand behind his pioneering efforts by issuing him a collective apology and wishing him the best.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


Instapundit says :

IRAQ WANTS TO join NATO. I suspect they'll prove more reliable allies than some we've already got.
I don't know what this guy is smoking but I sure wouldn't consider a country 40% of whose population would like to kill and eat US soldiers for dinner to be a more reliable ally than France or England. But then why should someone expect a Bush apologist to engage in anything other than stupid Europe-bashing jingoistic crap.

The deeper problem

I used to believe religion is the scourge of the 21st century. And that if all of mankind turned atheist, most of the world's problems would disappear. Religion is the root cause of most of the hostility between nations, which manifests itself in the form of war. These wars consume a disproportionate percentage of those nations' resources, both human and monetary, thus, depriving their populations of those resources, consequently, leading to unhappiness and deterioration in living standards.

But now, I feel the problem is deeper than mere religion. The root of the problem is communalism in the classical sense of the word. Man seeks comfort in numbers, forming communities to achieve that objective. Classic examples of communal groups : organized religion, racist cults, countries.

These communities turn out to be exclusionary in nature with an inherent potential for the generation of inter-community rivalries. Secondly, man is an egotistical beast. Due to his delusions of self-grandeur, he tends to regard his own community as being superior to others. Once other communities have been deemed inferior, then it is just a matter of time before the destruction of their members ceases to be deemed immoral. In that scenario, killing the member of a foreign community is viewed to be as sinful as, say, killing an animal. For example, kill a fellow countryman, you are a murderer. But in a war, kill an enemy soldier and you are a hero.

There really is no difference between these varied forms of communalism. Consider what happened in the wake of the cartoon controversy. Iran, out of religious spite, decided to rename Danishes as "The roses of Mohammed". And compare that with what happened in a so-called developed country like the US after France refused to be a co-invader in Mission Iraq. French fries were renamed "Freedom Fries" out of nationalistic passion. So is there any difference between religion and nationalism? Not really. Religion uses the illusion of a morality-conferring Supreme entity called "God" to justify acts of evil, whereas nationalism uses the illusion of a Supreme entity called "The Country" for the same purpose.

Which is why I do not feel that the eradication of religion would affect, in any significant way, mankind's onward march towards ultimate extinction through self annihilation. Religion might disappear through the spread of science, but humans will always form communities since forging communities is one of man's primal urges. And as long as there are communities, there will always be communal warfare. Today it's Hindus against Muslims, Arabs against Christians. Tomorrow it could be plumbers against vending machine repair technicians. And the day after that, the white haired fogeys versus the bald seniors. Mankind just needs a reason to divide itself and destroy the other side and religion is just one of the many mediums through which this division occurs. Which is why, even though I am no less opposed to it today than I was yesterday, I understand that there are factors other than religion that are responsible for mankind's downfall as well.

In conclusion, I hold no hope at all for the future survival of humans as a species.

Monday, February 20, 2006

What in the name of fucking hell?

This isn't about religion. This isn't about free speech. This isn't about an immigrant community expressing its disenchantment towards a repressive, racist government. This is about criminal behavior by a minister in the UP state government. (via Patrix)

The Minister for Minority Welfare and Haj in the Mulayam Singh Yadav government, Haji Yaqoob Qureishi, has announced a cash reward of Rs 51 crore for anyone who beheads the Danish cartoonist who caricatured Prophet Mohammad.

Why isn't this man in prison right now? Didn't he just blatantly commission the murder of an individual? Is murder now legal in our democracy? Well no, not quite, according to this guy :

When contacted, UP Principal Secretary, Home, Alok Sinha told The Indian Express: “The minister’s reaction was the voice of someone whose religious sentiments have been hurt. Moreover, since the reference was to a person who is far off, there is no question of an FIR being lodged against the minister.”

So apparently anyone can now order a hit on someone who is "far off". What the hell does far off mean? Far off distance-wise? Travelling-time wise? Emotional-involvement wise? Can I order a hit on Mr. Alok Sinha, since he's "far off" for me? Can Dawood Ibrahim now order a hit on the Prime Minister of India by this logic, since he's far off? What the fuck? I mean, what the fuck, man? Is this what India has been reduced to now? A middle-eastern theocracy with individuals possessing unlimited powers to spew anything they want in the name of religion?

For no matter how much we try to deny it, the only reason this kind of criminal behavior is being tolerated is because of its religious aspect. Because the minister is Muslim and his beef is with someone who apparently "insulted his religion". And if it were a Hindu Shiv Sainik who ordered the hit on someone who might have, say, drawn the Goddess Laxmi and the Goddess Saraswati getting it on with a double-ended dildo, that would have been tolerated as well. Why? Because the "secular" fabric of our democracy dictates not that the government pander to no religion at all,according to the colloquial meaning of secularism, but that it pander to all religions equally.

In today's India, you can carry out just about any act of questionable legality and get away with it as long as you justify it in the name of religion. Fuck, try breaking a few shop windows and justify it by saying, you know, I just felt like breaking those windows 'cause it gives me a warm feeling in my loins. Boy, today just felt like a good window-breaking day. And sue me if the next day you don't wake up in a jail cell and find the Superintendent of Police spooning your sorry ass, massaging your prostate with one hand and jacking you off with the other, all the while murmuring sweet nothings in your ear. But break those windows invoking The Lord Shiva or the prophet Mohammed, sir, they will say, please carry on, and let us know when you are done so that we can issue our official line condemning your actions at a suitably belated point in the future. Oh and here are some stones you might find useful to aid you in your endeavour.

The point is, issuing a hit, no matter on whom, no matter how far that person is, no matter what the justification, is such a blatant act of criminality that if the UP government fails to issue a statement of retraction, the federal government should step in and dissolve the assembly. Yes, it is that serious. A state government that condones a shamelessly blatant call for a murder by one of its office-holders, no matter if its that of a foreign citizen, does not deserve to be in power.

And for us, as a people, standing back, watching the circus, saying "Chalta hai yaar, this is politics" will not do. Somewhere someone has to draw the line. If anything, our politicians and leaders should be held to a higher standard of sanity and ethical behavior than the ordinary fundamentalist lunatic on the street. Otherwise God help us, figuratively speaking.

Update :

One commenter who, for reasons of privacy, I will call shiv, suggested that I am on shaky legal ground while arguing for the prosecution of abovementioned lunatic minister. The following excerpts from the Indian Penal Code prove that I am not.

Abetor : A person abets the doing of a thing, who -

First- Instigates any person to do that thing;

A person abets an offence, who abets either the commission of an offence, or the commission of an act which would be an offence, if committed by a person capable by law of committing an offence with the same intention or knowledge as that of the abettor.

A instigates B to murder C. B refuses to do so. A is guilty of abetting B to commit murder.

In fact, since Mr Qureishi's call for the murder was directed to everyone in general including me, this proves that if I were to refuse to kill the Danish cartoonist, Mr Yaqoob Qureishi would automatically turn into a felon in the eyes of the law.

In addition, the Penal Code also explicitly states the punishment for such a crime.

"Whoever abets the commission of an offence punishable with death or 51[imprisonment for life], shall, if that offence be not committed in consequence of the abetment, and no express provision is made by this Code for the punishment of such abetment, be punished with imprisonment of either description for a term which may extend to seven years, and shall also be liable to fine;"

So here it is. I, gawker (not my real name), of sound mind and sound judgement, refuse to kill the Danish cartoonist. There. Mr Qureishi is now officially a criminal. Hope you have a great 7 years Mr. Qureishi.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Ice-free Polar cap could soon provide answers about global warming

In a bit of good news for the scientific community, it was reported that Greenland's glaciers are melting twice as fast as was previously believed, thus leading to the hope that the total disappearance of the polar ice cap might occur sooner than predicted, thus finally providing an answer to the million dollar question, is global warming for real? (via RawStory)

Uptil now, scientists worldwide had tried to convince their respective governments about the existence of global warming and the detrimental effects of greenhouse gases on the earth's climate. However, the excruciatingly slow rate at which the Arctic ice shelf was melting failed to provide discernible evidence for the scientists to back up their claims of a global weather catastrophe. However, this new report states that scientists could soon, in a matter of years, be able to point to the North Pole and cite the total absence of ice on it as compelling evidence to prove the existence of global warming.

President Bush has extended his congratulations to the research team responsible for these findings and encouraged them to embark on a project to find out newer and more potent methods to accelerate the melting of glaciers in order to completely strip the North Pole of all ice. Once all the ice is gone and sea levels have risen, submerging most of the coastal areas of the world, that would provide the US government with conclusive proof of the existence of the phenomenon, thus enabling it to put policies into effect that would slow any more global warming.

In other news, Harry Whittington, the 78 year old who was shot by Vice President Dick Cheney, has presented him with his own heart, the same one that had a shotgun pellet lodged into it, as a token of gratitude for shooting him, but not fatally.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Americans burn down Australian embassy to protest Abu Ghraib pictures

Americans all over the world took to the streets today to protest an Australian network's broadcast of pictures of US soldiers in Iraq torturing detainees in the Abu Ghraib prison facility. Protests in Washington DC took an especially ugly turn after Americans stormed into the Australian embassy at Massachusetts Avenue, burnt it to the ground and tortured embassy officials in order to voice their displeasure at pictures they consider offensive to the US military.

The Republican Doctrine, which many Americans consider to be the word of God, decrees the US military to be a holy symbol of America's dominant position in global geopolitics, prohibiting depiction of its activities on paper or television, especially if those activities involve torturing people. In case that hallowed organization comes under attack from infidels seeking to tarnish its reputation, the Doctrine specifies violent retributions to be inflicted upon the guilty party by patriotic Americans in order to restore its honor and dignity.

The publishing of those pictures, which satirize the US millitary's purportedly pro-democracy occupation of Iraq by portraying its indulgence in the physical and sexual humiliation of Iraqi prisoners, for example, forcing them to masturbate in front of the camera, has been criticized by US government officials, who said that their publication could only "further inflame and possibly incite unnecessary violence in the world."

Moderate organizations such as the ACLU have requested Americans to stay calm, protest in a peaceful manner and explore the truth in those pictures. However, these moderate voices have been drowned out in the cacophony of outrage emanating from hardline fundamentalist American media outlets such as Fox News and right-wing talk radio, which have urged the torture of all those who published the offending pictures (via The Daily Doubter).

The furor over these pictures has started a controversy over the issue of free speech of the American media. Although most Americans support allowing the media to publish the truth, most of them display a vehement opposition to that policy when confronted with a truth that is incongruous with their idea of a morally unimpeachable America.

In unrelated news, Vice President Dick Cheney has clarified that the unlimited power vested in him by the US Constitution allows him to use it as a sanitary tissue to clean up after defecation. The president has, however, requested him to await his turn at the rag.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Dick Cheney's wraith refuses to move back into Dick Cheney's body

In order to keep Harry Whittington's body from succumbing to the shotgun injuries inflicted upon him by its master, Vice President Dick Cheney's demonic wraith today left his own body and entered the body of Mr Whittington in order to keep it in a state of undeadness.

The Vice President's wraith, which is known to be able to harness the dark forces of Abaddon and move through space and time at will, as well as shift residence into multiple flesh receptacles, was utterly repentant about saturday's hunting accident when Mr Cheney inflicted serious injuries upon Mr Whittington, who was shooting birds by his side. After hospital authorities informed Mr Cheney that his friend might not make it through the night, his wraith rose up to the occasion and sliding out of the VP's mortal remains in the form of an oil slick, made it's way into Mr Whittington's body, thus keeping it alive for the moment.

Immediately after the transfer, however, Mr Whittington exhibited signs of having a heart attack, a malady Mr Cheney's body has been known to suffer from, thus leading doctors to conclude that Mr Whittington probably had a better chance of staying alive without Mr Cheney's wraith occupying his body. The wraith, however, on being informed of the doctors' decision, emitted a hellish squeal and refused to return to its original dwelling, instead, preferring to assume the form of an ExxonMobil oil tanker and prowl the seas in search of a human carcass more hospitable to its infestation.

With Dick Cheney's wraith having relinquished its Vice Presidential duties, George W. Bush will assume the office of Vice President with his chief advisor Karl Rove taking on the role of President.

In other news, Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar Studios have halted the production of their latest cartoon offering based on the Prophet Mohammed's life, citing "a slow market".

Iranian president curses Sharon's intestines to grow back

Iran President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad dealt another blow to Israel-Iranian relations by hoping publicly in a press statement that ailing Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's intestines would be struck down by the right hand of Allah and grow back to their original size. Sharon, who is in a critical condition, had to have a portion of his large intestines removed last week due to an infection that caused dead tissue to pile up.

This is not the first time Mr Ahmedinejad has expressed a wish for Mr Sharon's suffering to be augmented. Earlier, when the Israeli Prime Minister had a stroke, Mr Ahmedinejad went on record saying that "He hoped Mr Sharon would die." This time around, Mr Ahmedinejad further exacerbated hostilities between the two nations by hoping that the intestines removed by Mr Sharon's doctors would regrow back to their full size.

Speaking in a rally outside Teheran, the Iranian President, who has pledged to wipe Israel off the map, showed his usual bluster against Mr Sharon's internal organs. "Praise be to Allah may his body be wracked by the pain of a thousand menstruating virgins", he said, referring to Mr Sharon. "And may his intestines fly back from his doctor's hands and reclaim their place inside his body."

Mr Sharon's doctors say regrowth of his intestines is extremely unlikely, but if in case it does happen, that would greatly improve his chances of survival. To that end, they have implored more Iranians to speak out their hatred for the Israeli Prime Minister by bestowing curses upon him.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Vice President's draft dodging controversy finally laid to rest

Democrats who had been criticizing Vice President Dick Cheney's five deferments for the mandatory Vietnam war draft have finally laid the controversy to rest by conceding that Mr Cheney's absence from the battlefront was probably to the benefit of US troops fighting over there against North Vietnamese guerillas.

This sudden turn-around in Democrats' opinion of Mr Cheney's draft-dodging reportedly came about due to yesterday's incident involving the Vice President when he pumped shotgun pellets into a fellow hunter by mistake while shooting quail. Democratic National Committee Chairman Dr Howard Dean, on being asked for a comment, replied, "Previously, it was our belief that the Vice President had opted not to fight in Vietnam out of concern for his own life, but now it is clear that he was more concerned about the lives of American troops who would have been in his line of fire. In fact, his repeated requests to the draft board not to send him into battle are a mark of his patriotism since he was acting in the best interests of our troops. A man who could miss a flock of 400 birds and instead shoot one of his buddies by mistake on a sunny Texas day would have been a big liability in the swamps and jungles of Vietnam where visibility would have been severely compromized."

Mr Cheney's lack of dexterity with a gun was further underlined by the fact that the 400 birds in question were domesticated, being pen-raised, and would have offered an extremely easy target after being let loose for the sole purpose of being slaughtered by the VP and his hunting buddies.

As a token of appreciation for not serving in Vietnam and thus, saving American lives, President Bush has awarded Mr Cheney with the Congressional medal of honor. The medal usually celebrates gallantry in battle but in this case, will celebrate Mr Cheney's gallant attempt to avoid battle.

Friday, February 10, 2006

It's all about the ratings

Yesterday morning when President George W. Bush sputtered back into a state of semi-consciousness, he realized that he wasn't in his bedroom. What the hell am I doing here, he asked himself as he tried to assume a sitting position on his couch. As memories of the previous night came flooding back into his Zoloft-laden brain, he began to shiver. Boy, Laura could be a bitch if you didn't keep her happy, he said to himself.

The night before, the First Lady had demanded sex. I want it, and I want it now, she had screamed. Standing majestically atop Scott McClellan's gagged and bound body in her leather dominatrix outfit with whip in hand, she had flung Lincoln era artifacts hither and thither and thrown a category Five tantrum. Why can't you be more like Clinton, she had yelled at the cowering president. Fuck all the interns you want as long as you save some of that action for me, she had said.

But fear isn't the best aphrodisiac. And the president had been terrorized enough. Already, his favorite Mexican, hell the only Mexican he could stand, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, had been grilled by the Senate Judiciary Committee for his involvement in the secret NSA wire-tapping scandal. His refusal to answer any questions as well as his possible mendacity during the proceedings had resulted in an increase in the demand for the president's impeachment. And finally, at Coretta Scott King's funeral, he had been publicly humiliated by those darn niggers, that too on-camera. Fuck the emancipation, he had grimaced under his breath. President Bush was terrified and frustrated.

And on top of all that, Laura was horny. "What's wrong George", she had asked him mockingly after ripping off his trousers. She now lifted up his semi-limp member with her whip in the manner of a shopper inspecting a salmon fillet in the grocery store fish department. "Are you on sedatives again? Why's your flag fluttering at half mast?", she added, giving it a mock salute.

The president didn't know what to do. He wanted to pour his heart out to his wife. He wanted her to comfort him and then be whipped for being a bad president. The pain would make him forget everything else. God, he recalled the whipping she had given him after Katrina. The whipping had been necessary in order to cleanse his nightmares of all those floating bodies. So now, he crawled towards her spiked heels with pathos in his eyes, hoping that his grovelling would generate some pity inside that forbidding leather exterior. But her face continued to look grim. No deal, said the First Lady. Get it up or get out, she said. He got out.

Now as he sat up on the couch rubbing his eyes and wondering why he was wearing an Iron Maiden thong, 'cause, fuck, he had never really liked their music, it all came back to him now. Depression, like Dick Cheney's shadow, began to cast a pall upon him. What could he do? More than half of America already hated him. And now, so did his wife.

Just as he was about to release himself from the handcuffs he attached himself to every night 'cause of his sleepwalking habits, the phone rang. It was Karl Rove. "Karl, I need a massage, I need your hands on my body, I need something, just come here pronto", the president wailed.

"George, listen", said Rove's curt voice from the other end. "Shut the fuck up for a minute. We have more important issues. Brownie's gonna squeal", he added. "And they've found out about Him." (via RawStory)

The president's head began to hurt. He tried to think. Could he raise the terror alert level? No, he hadn't done that since his election victory. People would get suspicious. What could he do? He began to scribble furiously in the notebook he always kept close to his balls.

Another terror attack? No, terrifying people some more wouldn't work in this case. They were already scared to a breaking point. What about a Tsunami? No, you need an earthquake to get a Tsunami, he realized, recalling the geography lectures Rove had given him just before his 2000 presidential bid. Was it time to get the nukes out? But he realized that he was more scared of nukes than he was of approval ratings. What the fuck could he do?

Yes, he finally screamed in delight. He had thought of a brilliant plan. He would tell the public that he had averted a major terrorist attack. He had saved their lives. That would make them happy. That would make 'em love him again. It would push up his ratings. And fuck, once his ratings were back up, he would be able to perform in bed again. And that would make Laura happy.

Not only that, he could then also point to his NSA surveillance program and hint, just hint mind you, 'cause more than hinting could make him look like a liar, that the illegal surveillance had been the sole reason behind the terrorist attack being foiled. And just hinting that and allowing Fox News to do the rest would allow his "base" of gullible fools in America's heartland to put 2 and 2 together and come up with 5. Yeah, it was all coming together now. Life was gonna return to normal. Everything was gonna be alright.

The president got on the phone with Wolf Blitzer. "Wolfie, I have a situation here. This is what I need you to do.....".

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

How to permanently solve the problem of forced theism

One of my favorite arguments for the insistence on the presence of religion in one's life is related to morality. We have all heard the religious folk say to us that the absence of a supreme judgemental deity would make morality redundant and result in chaos with people taking advantage of the situation and murdering, raping, pillaging and doing the Macarena at will. So the argument basically seems to state that if there existed no set of (supposedly) heavenly rules that forbade you, from say, killing a man because you covet his new Porsche, your natural instinct would be to just go ahead and do it.

There are two issues here. One is the circular logic that makes an appearance in this argument. Religion states that humans are, in some way, different from animals, lets call them the blessed species if you will, and hence, are responsible for their actions. Unlike a dog, who is allowed to shit on the carpet without being cursed to hell, just because he's a dog and doesn't know any better, if a human, lets say you, did that, you would not only go to hell, but would be cursed with an eternal damnation spent in teabagging Satans gnarled testicles as He drops turd after frothy turd into your waiting mouth.

So religion states that humans, inherently, are different from other beasts and know right from wrong. But that means that humans are already preprogrammed with morality in their brains. Why, pray, would they then need designated rules of life to enforce an external morality if it already exists inside our brains, thus making humans, as a species, an enlightened one?

Secondly, you might say, hell who needs religious morality when there are civil laws in place to enforce moral behavior? To which, the religious folk might say, yes, there are laws enacted by our legislature which our judiciary then proceeds to enforce, but the violation of those laws does not call for a penalty that is terrifying enough to make people think twice before breaking them. Like, say, if you steal a car, you will probably be imprisoned for five years, and then turned back loose into society. Where's the motivation for anyone to not steal a car then? Heck, five years is a mere presidential term, they go just like that.

But the supreme judgemental deity doesn't let you off that easy. She awaits her time to bestow her comeuppance on you which will come to pass after your soul leaves your mortal body. And then, it's an eternity of fire and brimstone for your sorry-ass soul with little devils sodomizing you with various artifacts of hell, most of which possess a jagged texture, while your entrails are roasted over a pit of burning lava. Now that's an ultimate fate that makes you think twice before you punch a hole in that car's window.

But I have a solution. Why not model all our penitentiaries in the image of hell? Wouldn't that be the solution to ultimately phase religion out of the world? Fuck those comfortable prison cells and that delicious prison food and those utterly erotic homosexual encounters in the latrine, how about making the prison system as terrifying and horribly painful as hell itself? We already know what hell is like, with all those authoritative accounts from people who've never actually been there, but are pretty sure what it looks like. So lets just do it. Lets fry in boiling oil all those bastards who are sent to prison for burglary, rape, homicide, bouncing checks, depicting the Prophet's likeness on a piece of paper, lets dip their genitals in hot lava, lets do terrible, terrible things to their anuses, lets treat them just like Satan would in their afterlife. Wouldn't that be what the religious folk want? Wouldn't that create a motivation for them to be decent and virtuous? Wouldn't that remove the necessity of religion from life? Hell yeah it would.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

President kicks off energy independence initiative with hydrogen powered bomb

President Bush today kicked off his much-vaunted initiative for reducing the country's energy dependence on foreign oil by initiating the development of a new eco-friendly bomb that will run purely on hydrogen (via RawStory). Hydrogen, which is the most abundant element in the universe, is also the cleanest burning fuel with its only byproduct being water, unless it is used in a thermonuclear device, in which case, it also produces charred bodies.

This new hydrogen-fueled bomb is expected to be unveiled at EnviroExpo 2006 in Boston, where the US will take the lead in preserving the environment, as well as getting the rest of the world to move away from a fossil fuel based military economy. Also, in order to spur the development of green technology, President Bush has caved in to environmentalists' demands and increased the spending on research into hydrogen-based bomb fuel which is expected to alleviate greenhouse-gas production in time for the coming global nuclear meltdown.

A cute little material fallacy

Since I am still paying $2.60 for gasoline, it means that the Iraq invasion was not about oil.

By the same token, since Osama Bin Laden's still running around unfettered, it means the invasion of Afghanistan wasn't about capturing Bin Laden.

Where's the fallacy? It's in the assumption that everything the boy president puts his mind to works out the way he planned. You gotta love those Bush apologists. They'll make you run to the Wiki with all their fallacies.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Flag manufacturers glum as embassy-burning gains popularity

American flag manufacturers are reporting a projected decline in first quarter revenues for the current fiscal year due to a reduced demand for inflammable American flags in many Middle-Eastern countries. Analysts claim that this decline is due to the fact that many Middle-Eastern Muslims today are burning Danish embassies instead of American flags, which has caused flag consumption to fall drastically in those countries.

Uptil recent times, American flags, along with loose morals and democracy, constituted the bulk of US exports to the Middle-East since burning American flags appeared to be the favorite pastime of choice for many a Middle-Easterner during an idle afternoon. These flags have a high carbon content which makes for an easier ignition and a robust flame, and thus, were perfect in their role as incendiary devices either by themselves, or as an accessory in setting alight bigger, better instruments of protest such as George W. Bush effigies and Condoleezza Rice blow-up dolls.

However, recent protests over cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammed in a poor light led to the Danish embassy being set alight in Lebanon, thus leading to the discovery that foreign embassies are as inflammable as American flags, if not more. Also, since embassies create a bigger conflagration and contain human beings inside who do not wish to be burnt alive, they bestow a more prominent visibility as well as a greater bargaining power upon demonstrators who would wish for their viewpoint to be communicated to the world.

In light of embassy-burning beginning to gain popularity among the disgruntled masses, the embassy-building lobby in Washington has attempted to cash in on this newest cultural trend by purchasing air time on Al-Jazeera as well as other Middle-Eastern media outlets. A number of public service announcements have been made that seek to educate the average flag-burner on the numerous ways in which burning embassies is far superior to burning flags, such as a higher calorific output per unit religious outrage, in order to persuade him to make the switch.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Todays Headlines

Fundamentalist Islam on the rise in the Netherworld

Recent reports filtering in from the other side of the Curtain of Death suggest that fundamentalist Islam has begun to take root and propagate in the Netherworld. The Netherworld, also known as the World of the Hereafter, or "Olam Haba" in Jewish eschatology, which uptil now used to be a community of peaceful souls united in their collective demise, has lately begun to display a steady rise in the virulent brand of Islamic fundamentalism usually observed on this side of the Curtain. Analysts pinpoint the cause of this phenomenon on the huge increase in the number of successful suicide bombings that have lately been occurring in Afghanistan and Iraq.

The architects of those bombings, after departing from the material world and entering the afterlife, are often bewildered and disappointed by the lack of any reward or appreciation they were expecting to receive for their efforts in combating the evil of western civilization during their lifetimes. So oftentimes, the realization that the promised reward was, in fact, just a myth perpetuated by the bearded guardians of the Koran from the world of the living, often led to a disillusionment of those youth with mainstream nethersociety, thus causing them to revert back to militancy even after death.

President Ronald Reagan, leader of the Netherworld has acknowledged the seriousness of the situation and urged Islamic leaders of the Material World to resist from giving their hot-headed followers a false promise of post-mortem benevolence in return for blowing themselves up in the cause of religion.

Lawsuit claims Ipods cause temporary hearing loss during use

A Louisiana man has claimed in a lawsuit against Apple Computer, the maker of the Ipod, that the MP3 player frequently causes temporary hearing loss during its use. John Kiel Patterson, a resident of Baton Rouge, Louisiana, in a complaint, has stated that each time he turns on his Ipod in order to enjoy some music, it causes serious injury to his ears that manifests itself in the form of a partial deafness to his surroundings, during which he is unable to make out what other people are saying to him.

In order to demonstrate this to the court, Mr Patterson plugged his earphones into his ear and after turning the player on, yelled at his attorney to ask him a question. When his attorney obliged by asking Mr Patterson if he could sleep with his wife, he shook his head to signify that he had not heard the question, thus proving that the player had temporarily destroyed his hearing.

At the time this article went to press, the jury was still out on the verdict.

Indian Clerics urge Muslim women to undergo sex-change operations

Clerics from the All India Muslim Personal Law Board have ordered all Muslim women in India to undergo a sex-change operation once they have fulfilled their duties of womanhood (via RawStory). This command came in the wake of many young Muslim women discarding the traditional Hijab in favor of Western dresses, which they then proceeded to shamefully flaunt in public shopping malls, where members of the opposite sex could get an eyeful unfettered.

After realizing that mere polite requests to these renegade women to quit these unislamic activities weren't bearing fruit, the board of clerics decided to take this radical step and defeminize all muslim women once they have fulfilled their earthly obligations and delivered their litter of progeny. This would prevent their bewitchingly evil femininity turning into a heavy burden of sin to be borne on the frail shoulders of these elderly clerics.

The sex-change operation would have numerous benefits for Muslim women. After their sexual transformation, women would be able to live their lives as productive members of society, which their old gender would otherwise have not permitted them to. However, the board has specified that after the operation, the newly transformed man would be forbidden to view pictures of his old female self in order to prevent sinful thoughts from entering his mind.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

News in brief

President requests John Kerry to fax remainder of policy document

After borrowing bits and pieces from the Democratic policy document and putting them forth in his State of the Union address, President Bush has overcome his initial shyness and requested Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry to fax over the complete document containing all his policies because "he hadn't realized that stuff was so darn good".

While campaigning during the 2004 election, the president pooh-poohed most of Mr Kerry's proposed initiatives and put forward his own vision for the presidency that was in stark contrast to the one painted by his opponent. However, barely a year after the election, Mr Bush has discreetly begun to implement all the policies that would have been carried out with a democratic president in office, such as a reduced dependence on foreign oil, a withdrawal of troops from Iraq and a plan to allow Iran to harness civilian nuclear power.

Democrats have agreed to fax all 450 pages of their policy document over to the White House and asked the White House to fax its own policy document in return because, "If the Republicans are for conserving oil and withdrawing troops from Iraq, then we, as Democrats, are obligated to be pro-oil consumption and pro-war."

Muslims lash out against caricatures by subjecting themselves to more caricature

Muslims all over France lashed out against the depiction of the Prophet Mohammed in a newspaper cartoon as a turban-bomb wearing pirate with a sword. Their method of lashing out, however, which involved running around wearing turbans with swords in hand, threatening to set off bombs, turned out to be an unfortunate choice since it subjected them to even more graphic caricaturing.

Angered by the newspaper drawings, Palestinian gunmen wearing masks jumped over the wall of a European Union office in Gaza and demanded an apology from the officials within. After an apology was given, however, the next day's paper depicted the Prophet Mohammed wearing a mask and holding a gun instead of a sword.

Bush Aide clarifies that oil conservation call doesn't apply to consumption of grease

One day after President Bush encouraged Americans to conserve oil during his State of the Union address, Republican congressmen began showing signs of displeasure at the president's call. Many senators and House Republicans such as Tom DeLay (R-TX) and Bill Frist (R-TN) asked the president to clarify whether restrictions on oil consumption would also be applicable to the give and take of political grease. To which The national economics advisor, in a press statement, announced that they would not (via WTF). "Grease is an important component of government machinery. If consumption of grease were to reduce, the country would go into a deep freeze, with all economic activity coming to a virtual standstill."

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Study finds evidence of new human obesity-causing virus

US researchers have found that there exists a certain kind of virus that causes obesity in humans (via RawStory). This discovery is bound to turn into a cause of celebration amongst the fat people of America who have long since been desirous of moving away from "slow metabolism", since it is a justfication for obesity which is not easily explainable to the skeptical layperson.

This new virus has been found to originate in certain species of cows, pigs, chickens and other livestock, where it causes obesity in those animals and then, is later transmitted to humans through their meat, usually in the form of burger patties, bacon or KFC happy meals. Once the virus finds itself inside the human body, it can multiply rapidly, excreting huge quantities of oily substance, or fat, in the victim's abdomenal and buttockal area. In fact the effect of the virus is so instantanous that human subjects fed on a weeklong diet consisting exclusively of Burger King Double Whopper burgers immediately gained five pounds due to the virus.

Although a cure for this virus has yet to be discovered, scientists have noticed that its disastrous effects on the human body can be reduced by subjecting the body to a vigorous oscillation similar to that achieved while running or lifting free weights. Scientists have also found that this virus appears to lose its potency on being exposed to chlorophyll, a chemical found in various kinds of vegetables and leafy greens, so consumption of those food items is encouraged in case of an infection.

Even as the FDA continues to study the behavior of the virus and the oily substance it apparently secretes into the human body, it has banned the consumption of all beef, pork and chicken products in the US in an attempt to halt the spread of this epidemic.

US unsure what to do with all that leftover democracy

Iraqi leaders today informed President Bush that Iraq's hunger for American democracy has now been satiated and requested coalition troops to dispose of all that excess democracy which they say they won't be needing anymore (via RawStory).

When the US invaded Iraq along with the large conglomerate of countries that formed the Coalition of the Willing, or what's colloquially known as Great Britain, they took along with them enough democracy to last Iraq for the next twenty years. Polls now suggest that lately, demand for democracy in the Iraqi marketplace has largely disappeared, thus creating the problem of safe and eco-friendly disposal of unused Iraqi democracy.

The elections that were recently held in Iraq succeeded in the setup of democracy manufacturing facilities. However, the product of those facilities, still being in a testing phase and of a dubious quality, the US is unwilling to substitute it in place of the democracy coalition troops brought along with them to Iraq.

Although much of American manufactured democracy has already been distributed by transporting it through humvees and B-52 bombers and making it available to the local populace, there is still a huge amount of leftover democracy in Iraq that presently has no place to go. Coalition troops are still debating about the final resting ground for this democracy which, reports say, is still in usable condition.

"We already have a number of requests for our democracy, which is highly in demand all over the world", said President Bush. "Our intelligence community informs us that Iran, for one, is positively begging for some. So is Syria. Who wouldn't want American democracy? It is the best in the world."

The Bush administration is however facing criticism from its own citizens regarding the gratuitous misuse of American democracy by sending it overseas while it is still in short supply in many areas inside the US. Many Americans are demanding that before the administration exports its democracy to other countries, it should first take care of the democracy shortfall in its own backyard.

In other news, President Bush's State of the Union speech was a huge success, leading to an immediate improvement in the economy due to brisk liquor sales during the speech.