The Renegade of Junk

ISI developing suicide vests tiny enough to be worn by a fetus

2009-04-09T13:17:00.008-04:00

The Pakistani Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI) reports that it is carrying out research, the results of which are expected to revolutionize the field of suicide bombing. This groundbreaking research, carried out in collaboration with top Pakistani madrassas, is focused on designing a suicide vest small enough to be worn comfortably by a 6 month old fetus. At the same time, the explosives packed within will be powerful enough to cause the same damage as that worn by an 11 year old boy.

Commenting on this amazing breakthrough in jihadi technology, ISI officials said that the design of this tiny vest would result in a significant reduction in suicide bomber development cycle times which currently range from about ten to fifteen years.

"Old and outdated suicide vest technology required us to nurture, feed and clothe every single bomber from the time of his birth right up to his first and last mission, which could take years. The whole thing wasn't very cost-effective. Now, with this new technology, God's cute little soldiers can begin to blow stuff (and themselves) up mere months after being conceived."

Although most fetuses have been known to suffer from issues of defiance and independent thinking, manifested by their steadfast refusal to leave the womb on command and carry out a terrorist attack, it is hoped that watching religious indoctrination videos during their conception will lead to a new breed of fetuses that are aware of their martyrdom objective and better-prepared to serve in God's army.

Extraordinarily asinine observation of the day

2009-04-01T12:47:00.005-04:00

Comes to you, courtesy Glenn Reynolds, the Insta"Pundit" and law professor at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, who says,

“I have a number of students who are licensed to carry weapons and I’d feel safer, not less safe, knowing that they are carrying on campus. I certainly would feel safer if some of my colleagues were armed, too”

Hopefully, it's just an April fool's prank from the venerable professor. But just in case it's not, he gets adequately taken to task at Gin and Tacos (via Instaputz) :

"Such a comment would lead me to question whether the speaker has ever stood in front of a classroom in his or her life. Since Mr. Reynolds clearly has done so, I must proceed to questioning just how profoundly this person is retarded.........Sorry. I can think of none other to describe someone who has stood at the front of a giant public university lecture hall packed with 150 sleep-deprived, emotionally unbalanced, substance abusing, clinically depressed, and stressed out 20 year olds and thought, “You know what would make me feel safer? If they all had fucking guns.”

Clueless in Bihar

2009-03-12T10:01:00.002-04:00

Via SearchIndia :

On March 5, 2009 Nitish Kumar took a rickshaw to go to watch the movie Slumdog Millionaire in a cinema hall. A posse of security personnel ran behind him for the entire stretch of over three kilometres..........Talking to the mediapersons he said that “I had heard a lot about the movie that has won eight Oscar awards depicting the life of the common man. I decided to take the mode of transport of common people to watch it. I wanted to relate with them.” (link)

Cognitive dissonance

2009-03-12T09:26:00.002-04:00

Chuck Norris, pro-America : Black Belt Patriotism: How to Reawaken America

Chuck Norris, anti-America : I want Texas to secede from America and I want to be President of Texas.

Fast forward to 2012

2008-10-31T13:37:00.012-04:00

Above : John McCain introduces his Vice Presidential pick for the 2012 presidential campaign to the country. Alyasa Howald is expected to energize the lactating female Republican demographic.

This is just sad

2008-10-30T11:40:00.004-04:00

At a rally today in Ohio, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) accused Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) of wanting to “spread the wealth.” McCain then summoned Joe the Plumber, who wasn’t even in the audience:

McCAIN: That’s only because Joe the Plumber asked [Obama] the right questions right here in Ohio. … Joe’s with us today. Joe, where are you? Where is Joe? Is Joe here with us today? Joe, I thought you were here today.

[CROSSTALK]

McCAIN: All right, well you’re all Joe the Plumbers, so all of you stand up!

(via)

QOTD

2008-10-14T08:32:00.001-04:00

John McCain, speaking in Virginia Beach :

"We have 22 days to go. We're six points down. The national media has written us off. Senator Obama is measuring the drapes. My friends, we've got them just where we want them."

The Beer Drinker's Presidential Candidate

2008-10-08T13:05:00.008-04:00

When it comes to presidential campaigns, I am an issues oriented voter. And similar to last year, the issue that is predominantly weighing on my mind is whether my presidential candidate will be able to transition seamlessly from his senatorial duties to those involved in being my drinking partner.

Now to tell you the truth, I not an American citizen and therefore, legally, unable to vote. But I am, however, trying to assimilate myself into the culture and electoral sensibilities of this country so that when the time comes I will be ready to take my citizenship oath in body, mind and spirit. Which is why yesterday, my only concern while watching John McCain and Barack Obama face off in the second presidential debate was, which of those two guys would be best qualified to quaff a pint with me. To fully focus on what was happening during the debate, I turned off the television captioning because I did not want "words" or "ideas" to cloud my judgment of their co-drinking abilities. And this is what my final verdict was.

John McCain would be a terrible drinking buddy. America certainly deserves much better. Now I'm not really a social drinker and I do most of my drinking alone sitting in a tiny room with doors and windows closed and all electrical appliances turned off but the foremost thought running through my mind yesterday as I watched John McCain try to make the case for being a great drinking buddy was, someday if I were to find myself stranded on a desert island and could choose one person not to have a drink with, that person would be Sen. John McCain.

I would definitely not want to be John McCain's drinking partner. Not if we were drinking at my place. That's because because Sen. McCain would probably pick up his drink and go wandering all over my house. Like he did last night at the debate. Did you see that? Whereas Barack Obama sat tight on a stool during his adversary's speaking time trying his best not to look elitist, when it was Obama's turn to speak, John McCain kept puttering all over the place like the Energizer bunny. I am not sure if he was trying to walk off an erection or an irrepressible urge to urinate or if he was merely attempting to prevent his leg muscles from atrophying, but each time the camera focused on Sen. Obama, you could see movement in the background and it was John McCain in ambulatory mode. So that's why I'm not that big on having John McCain over for a drink. I don't want him meandering aimlessly through my basement, bathrooms and closets with a glass full of liquid in his hand. I would have to follow him around just so I'm able to hear what he's muttering under his breath and he would probably crash into stuff and spill everything all over the floor and look unduly surprised on being informed that I do not employ at least five servants to clean up that mess.

I wouldn't want John McCain sitting beside me in a bar either. Mostly because John McCain doesn't seem like he is ever in a good mood. During yesterday's debate, John McCain spent most of his time looking extremely irritated as if he was vexed at why the American public was even pretending that they had a choice in the matter of electing him and were forcing him to share a stage with this gangly young communist prick from Chicago.And even when he smiled, you could see that right behind the curve of his distended lips lay sharp pointed fangs that were itching to break out and gnaw your face off.

Now when you're having a drink with a buddy in the bar, it is difficult for you to relax and forget your worldly cares and tensions if your drinking partner is constantly in the mindset of gnawing people's faces off. It introduces a palpable tension in the air and it is far from relaxing, which is why you're there in the first place. With John McCain at your side, you are always on edge because you are aware that at any given moment, you might have to physically restrain him from walking over to a neighboring table and yelling at some punk that he (John McCain) didn't get shot down in Vietnam so he (the punk) could wear that stupid shirt in public. And how about getting a haircut and a shower? No, those would definitely not be good drinking times.

But how about a scenario where John McCain would merely be in the same bar as you are in, not with you as such, but alone, by himself, perhaps sitting a couple of stools away? I pondered over that situation as well because I really want to cover all angles for this presidential election. Well, from what I saw yesterday, that could be a problem as well. John McCain, eyeing me from two stools over would undoubtedly take issue with me, probably with something I'm wearing or saying or my sports team affiliation or the fact that that I'm nursing a draft and not a bottle, you know, stuff that pisses off crotchety old men. And he would quite possibly pass a lot of snide remarks while conversing with an imaginary person, you know, something like what he did yesterday to "that one" guy, before walking up and asking me to fuck off because he'd been frequenting this bar ever since he was a kid and I was not from here and therefore, not welcome. That would spoil my evening too.

So, as a beer drinking person, this is my final word on John McCain as a potential drinking partner. A resounding no. As for Barack Obama, I am aware that he does seem a bit too knowledgeable about stuff and would probably kick my ass in an argument on just about anything, but what you have to remember is that he sucks at bowling. Really, really sucks. So at the end of the day, when you're stumbling back to your car after a night of drinking and bowling with the President of the United States, you will continue to be secure in the belief that you are a better, more accomplished human being than him, at least in the field of bowling, and that should put your mind at ease as you crawl into your bed and try to drown out the screams of your broken crushed dreams through soothing slumber.

And ultimately, isn't that what you really look for in a president?

The 2008 VP Debate

2008-10-03T09:06:00.021-04:00

Alright, since I'm the best political team on this blog, I might as well weigh in on what happened yesterday. But before I do that, two things. Sarah, being a maverick is kinda like being good in bed. It is something best left for other people to say about you instead of you saying it about yourself. And Joe, thank you for baring your teeth in a frightening fashion only twice during the debate. You certainly have a lot of magnificent teeth and they do need to be bared occasionally but you kept those occasions to a minimum and that was a good thing.

So that being said, Palin was okay. As expected, she was all verbiage and no substance. What was different from her past few interviews was that her words were leaving her mouth in the correct sequence with meaning attached. In this debate, she did not act like she had just woken up after a night of hard partying and forgotten to drink a glass of water for every vodka tonic she had. She talked fast and if you weren't paying close attention to what she was saying, the urgency of her delivery could make you believe she was saying something worthwhile. Sadly, she was not. She dodged a number of questions. Her answers were not specific. Where Joe Biden spoke knowledgeably about the sub prime mortgage crisis, Bosnia, Hamas, Hezbollah, Darfur and Pakistan, Sarah Palin spouted vapid, generic catch phrases like "corruption on Wall street" and "the white flag of surrender" and "love of Israel" and "opposing troop funding". Same old Palin, just that this time, she was at least offering correct talking points in response to the correct question.

Palin's lack of actual knowledge as well as the evidence of her cramming showed through. She looked like she wanted to get through the damn thing ASAP so she could get back to her hotel room and drill for oil. Seldom, after Senator Biden stopped speaking on an issue, did she look like she was eager to offer a repudiation of what he had just said. Most of the times she was content with merely delivering her memorized lines and getting on with it unless, God forbid, the moderator actually asked her to respond, in which case, her response was "...uh...I disagree, but let me bring up this stuff instead that's wholly unrelated to what we are talking about right now." The couple of times she actually did offer a counter-argument, it did not pertain to what was being discussed. When the topic was the mortgage crisis and deregulation, she kept talking about tax increases. When the issue was the bailout package, she kept babbling about energy bills. It was as if she was trying to recognize individual words and phrases from Joe Biden's narrative and quickly rummaging through her Rolodex of talking points to see if they matched anything in there.

On foreign policy, Joe Biden killed her. It was a thing of beauty and pathos. Palin didn't say a single thing we haven't already heard said a million times on television. If a 5 month old baby were allowed to watch CNN an hour everyday for a week, he would have done a better job than did Ms. Palin and would have been cuter. Joe, on the other hand, was informative, confident and detailed. Sarah Palin was reduced to throwing names around, names Americans are afraid of and that haunt them in their dreams. Ahmedinejad, Kim Jong Il, Castro. Ahmedinejad, Kim Jong Il, Castro. In response to the question whether a nuclear Pakistan was worse or a nuclear Iran, Joe Biden took two hundred and sixty three words to reply. Palin's answer? "Both are extremely dangerous, of course." Really Sarah? You think so?

Winner? Joe Biden was commanding, knowledgeable (or what television hacks like to call "professorial") and detailed (or what they like to call dull). Even though he had the serious disadvantage of being a wrinkly old man as opposed to being a pretty young woman, he did sufficiently well in the debate to overcome this drawback. The media will tell you that Sarah Palin succeeded merely by failing to tie her shoelaces together by mistake and falling off the podium. Seriously, is this what Americans have come to accept as success? Is this the vice presidential bar my metal detector just discovered buried deep underneath my foot?

I hope not. But let's see.

Update : More here.

Fist jabs and chest bumps

2008-06-11T11:21:00.008-04:00

Reading Patrix's view on the Obama terrorist fist jab and his mention of the Bush chest bump, it got me to thinking how the passage of time since 9/11 had dulled my own danger-sniffing abilities so much so that I probably wouldn't recognize a national threat even if it were to crawl up my pant legs, tear a hole in my pocket and lay the seeds of mankind's destruction therein. I also realized how important it is for one to watch Fox News regularly in order to stay abreast of the latest developments in how we are all going to eventually die of terrorism.

But since we are talking about Fox News, let me just take a moment to express my disappointment with Fox News, who has, since then, canceled "America's Pulse", the program that first highlighted the clear connection between two people exchanging a celebratory knuckle collision and the death of gajillions. Shame on you, Fox News. If you were weak enough to cave in to the objections of a two-bit liberal organization like Media Matters, how are we supposed to trust you to defend us from a potential Democratic president whose first order of business after assuming the reigns of power would be to deliver Ohio to Iran, Florida to Kim Jong Il, Louisiana to Hamas and Alabama to Massachusetts? How?

But back to fist jabs. Patrix commented how chest bumping is not a presidential activity. I am afraid it is more sinister than that. After having been reminded by Fox News on the serious implications that body-part collisions have on national security, I have realized that we have in our midst, an even worse threat to the US of A, called George W. Bush. To me, George W. Bush's chest bump spells out "Al Qaida" even more clearly than Obama's fist jab, his terrorist dictator middle name not-withstanding. To me, George W. Bush's calisthenics at the US Air Force Academy looked more like a Suicide Bomber Chest Strapped Explosive Pack Detonation bump. Obviously, a suicide bomber in the White House is a much graver danger to American national security than a terrorist fist jabber merely aspiring to be in the White House.

Where are you, Fox News when we most need you?

The Times of India does a Fox News

2008-04-03T09:21:00.005-04:00

Hindus (at least 10 out of the 800 million) are up in arms against the TOI's satiric depiction of Obama and Clinton as Krishna and Radha. It's not yet clear whether they are objecting to the TOI casting a black man as a blue deity or specifically Obama as Krishna or whether it is a more well-reasoned objection to Obama playing Krishna and being referred to as Osama (See red).

(via the Mutiny)

How did Huckabee make it this far?

2008-03-05T09:40:00.012-05:00

So Mike Huckabee, the final crazy person in the presidential race finally dropped out and now it can be safely said that the next American president will definitely be better than the current one. When I say Huckabee is crazy, it is probably an understatement. It has been amazing how openly insane this guy has been without anyone officially proclaiming him as such.This is a guy who does not believe in evolution, is a biblical literalist, thinks the legalization of gay marriage automatically means that we have to legalize bestiality and has said that AIDS affected people should be quarantined from society. He made an astounding statement which, in my opinion, should have resulted in an automatic one-way ticket to a lunatic asylum. He said that the reason the US is in need of immigrant labor is because the Americans have been aborting a lot of babies. So essentially, what Huckabee was implying was that the poor should keep producing low-wage babies so that the rich would not have to turn to Mexico for their toilet-cleaning and fruit-picking needs. That implication is so bugfuck insane, yet, no one appears to have given it the attention it deserved.

But most egregiously, Mike Huckabee publicly claimed to be counting on a miracle from God to help him sew up the Republican nomination. As in, he actually disregarded all the numerical evidence showing that he did not have a chance in hell of beating John McCain in favor of his hope that a miracle was definitely going to happen that would bestow upon him the Republican nomination. “Well I didn’t major in math, I majored in miracles. And I still believe in those, too.", is what he said. In layman's terms, it means that this is a guy who claims that if he were to win the presidential nomination, he would suspend his belief in 2+2 = 4. That is even crazier than hearing words from God and feeling His Divine Paws petting your behind in approval.

Seriously, forget the presidency, who in their right mind would be willing to hire this guy even as an employee, a guy who depends on miracles to get things done? If the CEO of some company made this statement, would the board of directors waste any time before throwing him out? Isn't the leadership of the free world more important than that of some company? What is wrong with the media? Shouldn't this kind of nonsense from a presidential candidate be scrutinized and given the amount of ridicule it deserves? Why did Huckabee even make it this far? Or is the fact that he is a man of religion absolve him of all his stupidity? But anyways, thank the Lord Almighty that this insane bastard will not be leader of the free world, at least for the next four years.

The next thing Mike Huckabee needs to do is sit down and ponder upon why he lost. Obviously the miracle he was hoping from God was denied him. Does the tremendous ass-kicking he received at the hands of John McCain mean that God loves John McCain more than him? Does his defeat signify that maybe God has different beliefs about abortion and homos and Darwin and everything else Huckabee has believed throughout his life? On the other hand, maybe this would be a good time for Huckabee to think about whether God even exists at all in the first place. In either case, Mike Huckabee should realize that as it stands right now, there is no way that Mike Huckabee's religious worldview is correct. Either God does not approve of Mike Huckabee or there is no God. There cannot be a third option.

Fox guarding the henhouse

2008-02-25T12:28:00.009-05:00

Via MG, we come to know of this statement by the Chief Justice of Karnataka, Cyriac Joseph and State Human Rights Commission Chairperson Justice S.R.Nayak, stating that immodest dressing was the cause of increasing crimes against women.

The Chairperson, State Human Rights Commission, speaking on ‘Human Rights and the Lawyers Role’, gave his opinion on the Mumbai New Year molestation issue, when two women had their dresses torn off by a mob of men outside a nightclub: “Yes, men are bad… But who asked them (the women) to venture out in the night…Women should not have gone out in the night and when they do, there is no point in complaining that men touched them and hit them. Youth are destroying our culture for momentary satisfaction.”

Alright people, are you with me here? Did your jaw just drop to the floor? If not, then you probably weren't paying attention. That was the Chairperson of the Karnatak State Human Rights Commission advocating the cessation of human rights. Call me greedy, but in my opinion, the right not to be imprisoned in your own house would constitute a fundamental human right. Or am I asking for too much? What next, a forest conservation commission chairperson blaming trees for getting cut due to their egregious act of casting shade and thus, advertizing their presence to illegal loggers? Or, perhaps in the eyes of the Karnatak State government, women do not constitute as human beings? Is that it?

Seriously, Karnatak, we gotta talk. Whatever it is that you are using as a criterion for appointing people to government posts, it's not working. What the fuck, Human Rights Commission Chairman S.R.Nayak? Do you even know what your job duties entail? Do they or do they not involve protecting the human rights of Indians? Here's a hint : The answer is in your fucking job title. And further, please respond to my question : Do you or do you not believe that restricting someone's movements to inside their dwelling is a gross violation of their human rights? Would you do that to your own daughter? Or your wife?

But hey, maybe that IS the problem with you and your kind. Maybe you do believe in enslaving the women in your life. Maybe Mr S.R.Nayak, you HAVE locked your wife in her bedroom, and are feeding her scraps of food from under the door, convinced that each time her body is exposed to the outside world, it is an open invitation for the world to violate it. Maybe your daughter IS languishing in exile in your basement, waiting for a time when she can be handed over to her next husband-owner-protector. Maybe even as we speak, doctors imported from Yemen and the Sudan are working on sewing her vagina shut in order to preempt the possibility of those demonic labia enticing some innocent male into violating the evil sanctuary they protect. Maybe every time someone looks at your daughter with lust in his eyes, it's another raw whip mark on her back. It's always the woman's fault isn't it?

But S.R.Nayak, here's the thing. It's not. And it is your professional responsibility to make sure that Indians know that it is not. And it is also your responsibility to treat every crime perpetrated on every woman with the seriousness it deserves. Stop acting like a fucking ten year old child with your juvenile standards of morality and decency and grow the fuck up. Or, if you can't do that, at least do us the courtesy of resigning from your fucking job. After all, Indians are paying for your salary and they sure as hell want to get their money's worth.

QOTD

2008-02-19T12:34:00.002-05:00

The Rude Pundit, on why Hillary and Obama supporters need to tone down the no-holds-barred internecine slugfest.

Passion in politics is goddamned great. It's like that awesome kind of sex where you don't know if you're fucking or fighting but either way it feels incredible. But you don't wanna slam your fuck partner around so hard that you break his or her limbs or rupture something inside. 'Cause otherwise, how are you gonna fuck again?

Brilliant.

Back

2007-12-03T08:12:00.000-05:00

Alright, looks like they released her.

Mohammed

2007-11-30T10:54:00.000-05:00

In support of the British teacher who has been arrested (and might be sentenced to death) in the Sudan for letting her students name their teddy bear "Mohammed", both my blogs will be named Mohammed. And just so that there are no misunderstandings, they will be named after the prophet Mohammed and not the pakoda vendor.

Also, fuck you Sudan.

Pakistan to open its doors to jihad-based tourism

2007-09-20T13:36:00.000-04:00

Following the release of a new Al-Qaida video in which terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden called upon his followers to carry out jihad against Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf, the Pakistan Tourism Development Corporation (PTDC) grabbed this opportunity to tout Pakistan's credentials as the world's number one jihad-based tourism destination.

In a press release on its new and revamped website (www.tourerrorism.gov.pk), the PTDC issued a formal welcome to the millions of prospective suicide bombers, IED operators and religious incitation experts willing to inject foreign capital into the cash-strapped Pakistani economy by making it their destination of choice. The Pakistani tourerrorism industry, which through its collaboration with its Afghan counterpart had till recently held a monopoly over jihadi vacation spending, fell into disrepair following the Iraq war and the subsequent maturation and blossoming of the Iraqi tourerrorism industry. But now, with Osama Bin Laden, the Godfather of tourerrorism, himself endorsing violent bloodbath in Pakistan as the next big thing, the PTDC is gearing up and getting ready for what promises to be a very busy tourerrorism season.

Tourism / terrorism analyst Laura Mansfield told CNN that while Bin Laden's message is directed at the Pakistani people, "the simultaneous release of transcripts in English, Pashto, and Arabic indicate the group is looking at a wider audience, including the English-speaking world." The PTDC, not content to merely stand back and reap the benefits of Bin Laden's commercial and recognizing the enormous potential customer base for tourerrorism in the developed world, has also released its own translations in French, German, Japanese, Tagalog, Swahili and Piglatin.

"Gone are the days of Western medical tourism", said a PTDC spokesperson. "People do not wish to travel to a foreign country to cure their own cancer anymore. Instead, they would rather go to a nation that would allow them to pour gasoline on a fellow human and watch him go up in flames."

This will make your brain weep

2007-06-19T09:14:00.000-04:00

Pakistani Religious Affairs Minister Mohammed Ijaz Ul-Haq on Salman Rushdie being knighted by the British Government (via The Daily Doubter):

"The west is accusing Muslims of extremism and terrorism. If someone exploded a bomb on his body he would be right to do so unless the British government apologises and withdraws the 'sir' title."

How To Support The Troops Conservative Style- I

2007-05-08T15:53:00.000-04:00

Right-wing pundit Dick Morris on why it is better for US troops to stay on in Iraq (via World o' Crap):

"One of the things, though, that I think the antiwar crowd has not considered is that, if we’re putting the Americans right within their (terrorists') arms’ reach, they don’t have to come to Wall Street to kill Americans. They don’t have to knock down the trade center. They can do it around the corner, and convenience is a big factor when you’re a terrorist."

What are the odds of Dick Morris having driven to his Fox News interview in a vehicle sporting a "Support the Troops" ribbon?

Anyways, this has been the first edition of "How To Support The Troops Conservative Style".

Patent application approved, Indian men to have exclusive rights over Indian women

2007-04-26T11:15:00.000-04:00

An Indian court has approved the patent application filed by a group of Indian men who were seeking to enforce their rights of exclusive ownership over all Indian women. This patent application was filed by a religiously bipartisan committee comprised of both Hindu and Muslim men after Richard Gere, an actor and American citizen, kissed Shilpa Shetty, an Indian woman, on her cheeks during an AIDS awareness campaign. This flagrant violation of a hitherto unwritten code which states that an Indian woman may only be touched, looked at, spoken to or manhandled exclusively by an Indian man, brought into focus the burning issue of patenting indigenously developed products to preempt their illegal usage by unscrupulous Western corporations or film actors.

This newly approved patent prevents or excludes any male from a country other than India from making, using, selling, offering to sell, importing and most importantly, kissing the product in question, namely, an Indian Woman™. Furthermore, each individual patent will have a term of limits beginning at the time of birth of the product and enforceable through her lifetime.

The approval of this patent has allowed the Indian Government to retroactively press patent infringement charges against Mr Richard Gere. Indian men all over the country, incensed with this blatantly illegal behavior, that too, from someone supposedly at the forefront of India's fight against AIDS, protested against the actor by Beating His Burning Effigy With A Stick™, also a recently patented Indian innovation.

New Rule

2007-04-25T11:01:00.000-04:00

Anyone who repeats the line "They (terrorists) hate us for the freedoms we have" will not be allowed to run for president of the USA. (via Sadly, No). Just like someone who thinks 2 plus 2 equals 5 will not be hired as a math teacher.

However, an exception could be made after the candidate reads a history book, any history book will do. Or even a newspaper. Or has a conversation on Middle-Eastern politics with someone who is not affiliated with the Republican party. You know, someone who is reality-based.

Hip Hop Artists to slap "female companions" instead of hos

2007-04-24T13:54:00.000-04:00

Hip Hop producer Russell Simmons has requested artists of that genre to henceforth refrain from uttering racially charged and misogynistic words in their music. Following the Don Imus controversy, Simmons took the lead in the African American community in recommending the elimination of words such as "nigger", "bitches" and "hos" from the recording industry, saying that these were extreme curse words, offensive to black men and women.

This call for voluntarily doing away with curse words is expected to result in a number of prominent rap artists modifying their songs and incorporating racially correct and gender sensitive lyrics into their music. For example, Dr Dre will no longer claim that "bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks", instead, referring to the female of the species respectfully as a "woman" while comparing her unfavorably with human excreta. Also, the phrase "putting a nigger on his back", which describes the gunning down of an African American, will henceforth be replaced by "putting a black person on his back".

Mr Simmons said that it was entirely possible for African American hip hop artists to objectify and demean women in their music without having to resort to the usage of politically incorrect terminology in the process. For example, it would be easy for an artist wishing to wax eloquent upon his aversion to fornicating with obese women to do so without titling his song "fat bitch", instead calling it "I like my women well-proportioned". Likewise, a song documenting a rapper's gun fight where he riddles the calf, buttocks, back and skull of his enemy with bullets could remain faithful to its violent theme without including its numerous unnecessary references to the N-word.

In case an artist were to choose to continue using those words in his song, said Mr Simmons, they could either be bleeped out or replaced with silence, while leaving the rest of the sentence and its meaning intact. "Nigger. bitch and ho, these three words were the only things holding back hip hop music from achieving its full potential in this country", said Mr Simmons. "Their expungement will go a long way towards the introduction of gangster culture into America's family-rooms."

Ted Nugent in brief

2007-04-20T15:16:00.000-04:00

A brief synopsis of Ted Nugent's pro-gun column today on CNN:

(As translated by the Editor)

I will enumerate a number of instances where people with guns killed people without guns. Then, I will prove to you why the people without guns should have had guns. You remember the movie where everybody pointed a gun at everybody else and no one pulled the trigger? That's what will happen. As long as no one sneezes or blinks or makes any sudden movements, we should be alright.

If a large number of us didn't have guns, the Lord only knows how many more of us would have fallen to gun violence.

At an eighth-grade school dance in Pennsylvania, a boy fatally shot a teacher and wounded two students before the owner of the dance hall brought the killing to a halt with his own gun. Just imagine, if the boy's mother had owned a gun as well his father, then the boy would have been confused as to which gun to take to school, thus averting a tragedy.

We do not ban water, steak knives and ammonium nitrate even though they kill people. Similarly, we shouldn't ban guns because like everything else, they can be misused, their actual use being as a sofa cushion. And while we are on the topic, I would also like to purchase some plutonium please, thank you.

Guns should not be banned because banning guns would make evil people happy and if I see a single evil person happy, it makes me want to blow my brains out. With a gun. Which I should be allowed to purchase freely.

My right to own a gun is God-given. God gave me that right. I know that because he occasionally asks me to use it on people. But I blow him off by telling him I have a dinner engagement. Oh God, he's a naive SOB.

The only people who hate guns *cough* liberals *cough* are those who believe dialing 911 will save your life (it doesn't, it only calls up the phone in your basement). These people would like to see good people dead because it makes them feel good about themselves and these people are fanatics about feeling good.

And finally, the following is added verbatim from the column without editorial comment in the hope that its inherent irony is self-evident.

"Already spineless gun control advocates are squawking like chickens with their tiny-brained heads chopped off, making political hay over this most recent, devastating Virginia Tech massacre, when in fact it is their own forced gun-free zone policy that enabled the unchallenged methodical murder of 32 people."

Bravo, CNN, you have risen to the occasion and given off your best.

A Clarification (deleted)

2007-04-19T10:02:00.000-04:00

Looking back, I agree with Patrix and Bombay Addict that putting up a post to clarify the previous one was kind of a stupid idea on my part. I mean, if I write something and then have to explain what I just wrote, obviously I must not be a very good writer. Since I don't want to think of myself as a bad writer (I quite possibly am, but I don't want to hear that from me), I'll just delete this clarification.

But regardless, you should read this by Falstaff to understand the selective nature of human grief. It's that good.

Perspectives

2007-04-18T08:57:00.000-04:00

There is a massacre at an American university. Many people are killed. These are the routes subsequently followed by various trains of thought after their departure from their respective stations of nationality and ideology.

The American Conservative Train:

Hmm. could it be a terrorist attack? I wonder if the shooter was Muslim. Did the shooter selectively kill only Americans?

They say he was Asian. Well, he could still be Islamic.

So now the shooter was Korean. Do they have Muslims in Korea?

Okay, so the shooter wasn't a Muslim. But I am sure this episode showed the Islamic terrorists how easy it is to kill Americans.

They say the killer was an immigrant student on an F-1 visa. Just like those terrorists on 9/11. Why are we letting these students into our country again?

It's now clear that he was not on an F-1 visa and actually grew up in the US. It still doesn't invalidate the original point that we shouldn't be letting these foreigners into our country.

Hey, how about the Ismail Ax thing on his arm? Maybe we should continue to explore the Muslim angle.

You know, the fundamental problem with this country is that more people do not own guns. If everyone were allowed to shoot everyone else, maybe less innocent people would be killed.

The American Liberal Train :

You know, the fundamental problem with this country is all those guns.

Yes, this is a tragedy. But nothing compared to what's happening in Iraq right now.

I am sure Bush won't waste a minute in running to the scene and giving a speech.

Look look, there he goes.

I wonder if he's gonna somehow find a way to link the shooting with 9/11.

The Indian Train :

Hmm. It happened in a university. A place where there are many Indians. I wonder if any Indians died in the shooting.

They say the shooter was Asian. Could he be.....Indian? I hope not.

It appears that he was on an F1 visa. I bet the anti-immigration lobby seizes this opportunity to badmouth immigration and immigrants.

So he was Korean. Are Americans smart enough to know the difference between India and Korea?

I wonder how that Chinese-looking guy in my gym feels about all this. I wonder if people look at him differently wherever he goes now. God, I am sure glad the shooter wasn't Indian.

I really feel sad for all the Indians who died.

The American Neocon Train:

The Israeli professor who was killed in the shooting, threw himself at the gunman to save his students' lives. On the other hand, the Palestinian student who filmed the killings on camera didn't save any lives and compared the tragedy to the violence in the occupied territories. Just goes to show.

The Chinese Train:

You people like your guns way too much.

The Rest of the World Train:

Basically what the Chinese said. And also, such things would never happen in our country. Hunger, poverty, riots, crime yes. School shootings no.

Nothing quite brings the world together like a tragedy now, does it?

Pope says evolution can only be verified in God's laboratory

2007-04-13T10:00:00.000-04:00

Pope Benedict XVI has delivered his first opinions on evolution since he took office by saying that the theory can never ever be proven by humans. The Pope justified the decision to suspend his belief in evolution by saying that the theory would never be successfully tested in a human laboratory because of the physical difficulties involved in populating the laboratory simultaneously with 10,000 generations of humans in order to compare their genetic make-up.

However, the pope also made it clear that if there were anyone who could successfully prove or disprove the theory, it would be God, whose laboratory was much better equipped with unlimited resources and manpower. "It is common knowledge that the Lab of God, high up in the heavens, is said to be a thousand miles in length, a thousand miles in width and a million angel-lengths in height", said the Pope, explaining the infrastructural edge God had over humans in performing evolutionary experiments. "Therefore, to round up and fit ten thousand human generations inside this massive complex would not be an issue for Him at all, which, by the way, is made of pure gold and encrusted with millions of sparkling diamonds."

In addition to unlimited space, God has another advantage over humans, said the Pope. That was His boundless wisdom and patience that would allow him to see an experiment through to its logical conclusion. "It's a well-known and scientifically verifiable fact that God is all-knowing, all-seeing and all-understanding", said the Pope. "Who could possibly do a better job of working with and examining intricate and minuscule pieces of his own work such as DNA strands?"

Furthermore, the presence of gravity-defying winged Angels and Archangels, the existence of which has been thoroughly documented by some guy who lived over a thousand years ago, who could help God in the capacity of laboratory technicians, could also speed up the labor intensive process of obtaining genetic material from thousands of humans for the purpose of comparison. This would allow God to deliver his verdict on the legitimacy of the theory of evolution before Judgment Day, that day in the future, it has been proven beyond reasonable doubt, when every person on Earth will be whisked off the planet, thus rendering this entire debate over evolution meaningless.

"Just like humans should not believe in heaven or hell, unless they've seen those places with their own eyes, it is wrong to place any kind of belief in evolution until it can be successfully verified under controlled conditions", said the Pope in conclusion. "And that is something only the Supreme Deity in the Sky, whose presence has been scientifically verified time and time again, can do."

Why John McCain is a caricature of himself

2007-04-11T07:56:00.000-04:00

Fake News.

Real News.

"McCain said he would have walked through a central Baghdad market without the military protection, but the top U.S. commander in Iraq, Gen. David Petraeus, had recommended the armed escort.

"I'm not notorious for being nervous about going anywhere," said McCain. "I'll gladly go almost anywhere in the world, under any circumstances, but I did respond and do what Gen. Petraeus asked me to do."

John McCain : The only person qualified enough to carry on George W. Bush's comic legacy.

John McCain for President!

Reality Check

2007-04-04T23:08:00.000-04:00

I don't think the mob that lynched an ice cream vendor who was caught raping a girl did so because they believed that the justice system wouldn't punish him. They did so because they were sure that the justice system wouldn't punish them.

Karnataka schools to scrap sex education in favor of AIDS treatment classes

2007-04-04T12:54:00.000-04:00

Secondary schools in Bangalore are getting ready to add a beginner's course in HIV/AIDS treatment to their syllabus. This new addition will be the Karnataka State Government's latest salvo in the state's fight against the AIDS pandemic.

Initially, the Government had planned to incorporate a course in sex education within school curricula, which would also have informed school children on safe sex practices (via). However, the Minister for Primary and Secondary Education Basavaraj S. Horatti expressed his opposition to this endeavor, saying that educating school children on the correct way to use condoms would only increase their desire to use a condom. "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day", said Mr Horatti. "Teach him how to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. However, if you keep him away from fish altogether, he will stick to eating vegetables", he said adding, "Assuming, of course, that you also lock him inside his own house and prevent him from eating fish in a restaurant."

Mr. Horatti also claimed that teaching secondary school children sex education classes was a selfish ploy by condom manufacturers to abuse AIDS prevention techniques in order to increase their own profits. However, he said, if there is anything that popular Indian culture has taught us, it is that sex and condom usage have no place in it. "Just like condoms would protect our children from exposure to AIDS, so should we be protecting our children from exposure to condoms. Only then would our precious culture be protected from exposure to sex", commented Mr. Horatti.

To deal with the continued increase in the number of HIV cases that is sure to ensue due to a lack of sexual awareness among teens and pre-teens, the Karnataka State Government is adding a mandatory course on HIV / AIDS treatment in its secondary schools. This course will equip Karnataka's schoolchildren with the requisite knowledge for diagnosing the onset of the disease later on in their life and the ability to apply medication for alleviating its symptoms.

"Although the prevention of AIDS falls outside the bounds of decent Indian culture, treatment of the disease does not", said Mr Horatti. "We therefore owe it to our children to ensure that their transition from HIV affliction to a slow certain painful demise is as smooth as possible."

John McCain requests US Army to quit following him around in Iraq

2007-04-03T14:53:00.000-04:00

Republican Presidential hopeful Senator John McCain has asked US Army commanders in Iraq to quit following him around and leave him alone, sources say. McCain, who recently claimed that Iraq has become safe enough that there “are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through those neighborhoods, today”, was eager to demonstrate his thesis by walking alone around an open-air Baghdad marketplace during his trip to that nation.

However, to his dismay, Sen. McCain found his solitude repeatedly disturbed by the US Army, which insisted on dogging him every step of the way during his leisurely stroll through the streets of Baghdad.

"All I wanted to do was to take a long solitary walk among those trees and burnt out car shells and I can't even do that without a BlackHawk helicopter or an Apache Gunship shadowing me from above", said McCain. "You are not the boss of me, US Army Sharpshooter on that terrace over there, so just leave me alone", he added with a toss of his weatherbeaten head. (via LGM)

Sen. McCain also expressed his disgust with the Army's insistence that he wear a bulletproof vest during his idyllic rambles. "I cannot imagine what these people think they are protecting me from. Bullets? Shrapnel fragments? This is Iraq, not Washington DC, you know", he said, referring to Rep. Steve King (R-IA)'s claim that the average Iraqi civilian was safer than an American in Washington DC. "What if I were to suddenly decide to pick flowers from a grassy meadow or jump into a pond with those Iraqi kids and splash around in a carefree manner to celebrate the safeness of this very safe neighborhood?", inquired McCain of his over-nurturing army tormentors. "How would I be able to do that with this heavy vest restricting my every degree of freedom?"

Commenting on the deserted streets of the neighborhood which a hundred armed US infantrymen had cleared of all Iraqi citizens in anticipation of his arrival, the Senator said, "Look how peaceful it is, not a single suicide bomber or IED in sight. Don't you wish downtown Manhattan were as serene and uncrowded?"

Army commanders, when asked for a response, said, "Our assignment is to make sure we send him back to the US in one piece. But it is turning into a highly difficult task. It's like he wants to get killed. He keeps asking to be let inside suspiciously abandoned vehicles or allowed to open unidentified packages left by the roadside just to prove how safe Iraqi streets really are."

If he were to make it back safe and sound, on his return to the US, Sen. McCain is scheduled to visit numerous American cities and hold meetings with their lawmakers in order to explore the feasibility of making them as safe as, if not safer than those in Iraq.

President Bush re-elected to second term as President of Iraq

2007-03-19T12:39:00.000-04:00

Four years after winning the election for President of Iraq in which he cast the single and deciding vote, President Bush announced today that he has been unanimously re-elected to a second term as leader of that nation.

In a bizarre repeat of his previous performance, the margin of victory once again turned out to be 1 vote to 0, the deciding vote again being that of President Bush, who justified his decision to re-elect himself by saying, "I've been doing a heck of a job". Although this time around, his incumbency was expected to act against his candidacy, President Bush thwarted conventional political wisdom by achieving a landslide victory against the only other candidate in the arena, the US Congress.

"Although the Congress has been doing a relatively good job in its role as a rubber substitute, unlike me, it has very little experience in creating and administering a war-torn nation", said President Bush of his former presidential challenger. "Also, the US Congress has traditionally been weak against fighting domestic crime here in the US. How can one expect it to fight against terrorists in Iraq?"

During his acceptance speech, President Bush declared that his victory would go a long way towards promoting democracy in the Middle-East. "The fact that an Arab nation which used to be a dictatorship is now ruled by the democratically elected leader of another country just goes to show that democracy is on the march in the Middle-East", commented the President.

The Iraqi presidential election was carried out in strict conformance with election etiquette as laid down in the Iraqi constitution which believes in the division of power between four branches of Iraqi government, namely the President of the US, Halliburton, Exxon-Mobil and Iran.

Magnet America to sell "Support Our Ribbons" ribbons

2007-03-09T16:32:00.000-05:00

A drastic decline in the popularity of the Iraq war has adversely affected the American Patriotic Slogan manufacturing industry. As soon as the Iraq war began, the industry shifted into high gear and unveiled its flagship product, the "Support Our Troops" ribbon. The ribbon, which turned out to be the best pro-life alternative to enrolling in the military and actually fighting in the war, was widely adopted by war supporters and could be seen affixed to numerous vehicles throughout the US.

However, with the war turning sour and public opinion shifting against it, these ribbons, in turn, have lost their appeal. Magnet America, which is one of the largest manufacturers of these ribbons, claims that ribbon sales fell from 1.2 million in August 2004 to 4,000 a month. "We have enough supplies to meet demand for years to come," said Micah Pattisall, director of operations. "Assuming, of course, that we will continue to be at war for the next few years. Please God, let there be war for the next few years", he added fervently.

With support for the "Support Our Troops" ribbons dwindling, Magnet America has unveiled its latest product, the "Support Our Ribbons" ribbon. This ribbon will address the issue of public apathy towards the "Support Our Troops" ribbons and increase awareness about the importance of these ribbons in stirring patriotic pride within American loins.

"In order for us to win in Iraq, we need Americans to support our troops by buying these ribbons that show their support towards the ribbons that support our troops", said a ribbon vendor in New York City. "Also, it will help me feed my family", he added.

President Bush encouraged Americans to do their part in the War Against Terror ™ by supporting the "Support Our Troops" ribbons and displaying "Support Our Ribbons" ribbons in their homes, cars and alcohol rehabilitation centers. "These ribbons are courageous warriors, fighting on the forefront of our battle for public opinion", said President Bush. "And right now, with public opinion being massively against the war, the importance of supporting them far outweighs that of supporting our actual troops."

Jesus is back

2007-02-23T08:58:00.000-05:00

Hey hey, the Christ is back and if you've got a Brooklyn bridge to sell, he's got the followers who'd be itching to buy it from you (via PZ). There he is, curiously clean-cut, delightfully plump, bizarrely well-attired and giving you a benevolent two-fingered salute, the same one, as a matter of fact, which the Jews of yore mistook for a one-fingered one and eventually crucified him for. I guess Jesus didn't learn his lesson.

There's just one catch : This time around, El Savior happens to be Latino and is currently operating under the earthly moniker, "Dr Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda". His parents must have been prophets to name their child with such extraordinary accuracy. But although Christ 2.0's abilities of impersonating a geostationary satellite in orbit, while at the same time, not disintegrating during atmospheric re-entry are far superior to that of his previous incarnation, as seen by his casual smiling demeanor in the picture as he loiters outside the earth's atmosphere, I anticipate him to face considerable difficulties in accomplishing the relatively easy task of crossing the Rio Grande into America. You know, with the Minutemen and all.

But that is but a minor irritant for all in all, he's doing well during his second stint as Mankind's Lord and Savior. Gone are those days of living a frugal life and having to feed five thousand people from the office with a mere five loaves of bread and just two fish. Second helpings weren't allowed. But the 21st century Christ reportedly "has his own television and radio satellite channels, more than 300+ television and radio programs, an entourage of 300+ faithful pastors and millions of followers" who are, it is claimed, "growing in numbers everyday". Whether it is through sheer procreation or some kind of Christian cloning process is still unknown.

Now I know there must be many among you who must be going, Wait a minute, how do I know he is not a mere false Christ? For the Bible says that there are going to be a number of false Christs making their appearance throughout my lifetime and that they shall have the power to deceive not only the ignorant and the stupid, such as you, but also those gifted with a supreme intelligence, such as I.

Dr Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda laughs at you my friend. Not an amused, condescending smirk, mind you, because he is above all those petty emotions, but a compassionate giggle, only meant to let you know how stupid you really are, in spite of all your understanding to the contrary.

You see, the gospel does warn of the nuisance of false Christs. But at the same time, the gospel also clearly states that this false Christ on his arrival, will perform "great signs and wonders" in order to bewitch you into submission.

And therein lies the acid test of authenticity, which Dr Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda passes with remarkable ease. Because Dr Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda cannot perform wonders or miracles. He would not be able to walk on water even if his Carnival Cruise ship were to hit an iceberg and the alternative were death by drowning. He would not be able to convert water into wine even if he were making a mushroom and wild rice risotto for his wife on their wedding anniversary, the recipe included white wine and the grocery stores were all closed.

No, Dr Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda is simply not able to perform any miracles or signs or wonders. And because he cannot perform miracles or signs or wonders, according to the gospel, he clearly cannot be a false Christ and HAS to be the real deal. The Real Christ. It is that simple. It is in the gospel.

And now, here you go, Brooklyn Bridge sellers, you know what to do.

Technorati Tags : Jesus Christ Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda Pharyngula Christianity Religion Stupidity

Adams vs Myers

2007-01-31T09:42:00.000-05:00

Scott Adams : The Big Bang led to Moby Dick being written, which requires intelligence. Therefore, Moby Dick and humans were created by an intelligent entit y, namely, The Big Bang.

Me : You know what, Scott, I just realized that Adolf Hitler demanded that Ferdinand Porsche change his car design to accommodate working class Germans, thus leading to the creation of Volkswagen cars, one of which I used yesterday to do my grocery shopping. Therefore, it was Adolf Hitler who did my grocery shopping and it was he who forgot to buy toilet paper. Please go back to sleep Godwin, it ain't morning yet.

PZ Myers : You are both a couple of fucking idiots. The fact that writing Moby Dick required intelligence does not mean that the creation of Moby Dick's writer required intelligence. Similarly, when Adolf Hitler created Volkswagen, he did not do it with your grocery-shopping in mind.

Me : Hmm. I think I agree with Mr. Myers.

PZ Myers : Shut up, you're a fool nevertheless.

Me : Rightie-O.

And now we wait for Scott Adams to respond.

Technorati Tags : Scott Adams Pharyngula Evolution Intelligent Design Creationism

IIT temple to hold entrance exam for worshipers

2007-01-29T09:53:00.000-05:00

The popular and highly prestigious temple in Rajasthan that caters to prospective IIT-JEE candidates has announced that it will now be conducting its own entrance exam for devotees (via Abi and Krish). This entrance exam is intended to pre-screen prospective worshipers of the IIT Deity before allowing them admission into the inner sanctum of the temple where they will be able to secure a seat in the IIT of their choice by communicating their allegiance to Him through the Vice-Chancellor of the temple, Goddess Saraswati.

The IIT Deity, who is said to ride atop the majestic Porcupine of Knowledge, bearing in His five arms the mythical answers (a), (b), (c), (d) and "none of the above", will be unavailable for worship in person due to Physics, Chemistry and Mathematics, the three JEE topics, continuing to refute His very existence.

Until now, the temple had a policy of unrestricted admission to IIT-aspirants. However, lately, the glowing testimonials of its alumni as well as word-of-mouth from locals in the area had caused a huge surge of blessings-seekers to the temple, thereby overwhelming the temple's infrastructure that was designed for serving only a few hundred patsies at a time, especially in areas such as the administration of holy water and bite-sized coconut pieces.

The temple, now coming under the purview of the education department of the Government of India, will now require prospective devotees to scrawl their answers to a tough questionnaire on the outer walls of the temple to prove their eligibility for the IIT Deity's benevolence. The highly whittled down group of extraordinary IIT-seekers who pass this test will then be allowed to enter the temple and scrawl their IIT wish-list on the inner walls of the temple.

Various coaching classes that have sprung up in the vicinity of the temple claim to provide a list of questions expected to be asked in the exam. The one under the banyan tree next to the well said that questions about the history of the temple and its surroundings are virtually certain to be asked but refused to elaborate, instead, requiring students to purchase its study material for additional tips and pointers.

President Bush to send more troops to stop British troops from leaving Iraq

2007-01-11T14:07:00.000-05:00

The US will be sending additional troops to Iraq in order to prevent British troops from leaving the country, said President Bush, during a late Wednesday night appearance on television. Maintaining a grave demeanor, not unlike the time he gave the Chancellor of Germany a back rub during the countries' bilateral talks, President Bush warned Americans that Britain's decision of reducing its troop strength in Iraq by 3,000 would necessitate the dispatch of 20,000 additional American reinforcements, also called "a surge", to keep the British from "cutting and running".

Explaining the situation, President Bush said that military analysts had assured him that for every British serviceman trying to escape the war-torn nation, the American army would require two soldiers, one to hold him back and another to punch him in the gut every time he uttered the word "mate". The remaining 14,000 would be needed to screw in the proverbial light-bulb.

Republicans in Congress have criticized the President's decision as too little, too late and said that additional troops to prevent coalition partners from escaping should have been dispatched right back when Spain announced its intention of withdrawing its forces from Iraq.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair, when asked for a comment, replied, "Since I am a friend of both President Bush as well as the British people, I would prefer not to take sides in this conflict."

Technorati Tags : Bush Surge Iraq Tony Blair

Ganges too polluted to defecate in, say Sadhus

2007-01-08T12:35:00.000-05:00

The All India Association of Sadhus, Swamis and Snake Oil Sellers (or NAMBLA), has claimed that the extraordinary degree of pollutedness of the Ganges river is severely affecting their ability to use its water for their daily toiletry.

In a press statement, the committee of visibly constipated Godmen declared that the huge amount of pre-existing fecal matter in the water of the river, along with fertilizers and pesticides, was making it hazardous to use this water as a medium for cleaning excrement off their bodies. As a result, many of them had not had an opportunity to empty their bowels into the depths of the river, thus adding to the health risk. This problem was causing particular hardship to the millions of Hindu devotees who throng the banks of the river this time of year during the Ardha Kumbh Mela to perform a ritual discharge of their waste into its putrid but soul-purifying waters.

The polluted waters have also been blamed for an increase in the occurrence of skin diseases. Earlier, the only skin diseases caused were those that were passed from one bathing devotee to another. Now however, the water itself brings forth the microbes that cause these maladies.

Other Sadhus have also expressed apprehension regarding the future of their own remains once they have passed on to the next life. Many Hindu holy men prefer to incinerate their mortal remains on the banks of the river and disperse their ashes into its waters, a process which reportedly guarantees them rich dividends in the heavenly afterlife. However, with the river being dangerously polluted, these Sadhus are now reluctant to share its water space with foreign feculence not of their own making.

Maintaining a united stand on the issue, the Association of Sadhus has threatened that if the government were not to take immediate and drastic steps towards cleansing the river, all ten million of its members would boycott the Mela this year and refuse to deposit their body waste into its waters, eternal salvation be damned.

Before being against feminism, you need to know what it means

2007-01-07T01:16:00.000-05:00

I like how lately, every ~~fucking jackass~~ person with a keyboard and a voltage stabilizer will come up with an opinion about feminism and feel the urge to communicate it to the unenlightened uneducated masses. For example, this guy (via DP). Who thinks that feminism "preaches that women should compete with men in all walks of life in a bid to prove their point and outsmart men". And then goes on to "prove" why feminism is flawed.

I would like to take this opportunity to request people who think they oppose feminism to first be aware of what the fuck it is that they think they are opposing.

As I commented at this guy's blog, feminism is not about male-female competition. Fuck competition. In fact, when you think about it, feminism has very little to do with men. Feminism is about giving a woman the fundamental birthright over her own body, over her own life and her own destiny. Feminism strives to give women protection under the law (theoretically as well as practically). Feminism tries to make sure that societal norms will evolve to a point such that women will be able to live their lives as citizens who can be self-sufficient psychologically as well as economically.

Feminism would like women to be able to move around freely without being molested by sexually starved men. Feminism would prefer that women be left out of caste warfare and that their genitals and souls not be made to bear the brunt of centuries old religious and social dogma. Feminism would also like women to be able to have control over their own vaginas and not be subject to the diktats of a bunch of righteous old men held hostage by the preachings of a hoary book of indeterminate vintage and relevance. And lastly, feminism would really love it if you didn't kill your fetus just because she's a girl. Instead, Feminism would plead with you to give birth to her, nurture her, educate her and see how she soars.

Feminism is all that and more. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I haven't covered most of it. But this much I can say with confidence : Feminism will not think less of you just because you decide to lug your girlfriend's 80 kilo suitcase. No, Feminism will call that mere common courtesy.

I realize, of course, that I could be one of those ~~fucking jackasses~~ people I mentioned, foisting his asinine opinions about feminism on the world. If such be the case, please do let me know.

Update : As Falstaff points out correctly in his comment, contrary to what I said earlier, Feminism, or just about any other ism, would probably frown upon this particular instance of 80 kilo suitcase handling due to the blogger's motives behind doing it, which is, to avoid the self-manufactured feeling of emasculation that might result, were he to allow his girlfriend to carry the suitcase. In short, it's all about him and his insecurities and little to do with feminism. But the problem here is that far from this being the warped viewpoint of just one blogger, I think that this perception about feminism, about it being merely an instrument used by women to emasculate the male of the species, to make him feel less manly is a pretty common one. And it needs to be systematically eradicated because that is probably the most oversimplified caricaturization of contemporary feminism as we know it.

Update 2 : Looking back, we could probably have done without calling people "fucking jackasses". How about we chalk this one up to Samuel Adams Winter Lager, eh?

Update3 : Strawfeminists and more straw-chewing chauvinists.

TIME magazine planning to lay You off

2007-01-05T08:33:00.000-05:00

A mere two weeks after bestowing upon You the Person of the Year Award, TIME magazine is now ready to lay You off. These lay-offs will affect You in the editorial team, You in CNN as well as You in People magazine and Sports Illustrated.

Explaining the decision, TIME said that although You are a great human being and well-deserving of this award, You were also, at the same time, a terrible employee. In fact, the very attributes that made You the Person of the Year, namely, an active desire to participate in the web-based dissemination of information, contributed to your shoddy performance at the workplace that will lead to your dismissal. When You should have been busy evaluating copy and correcting grammatical errors in your articles, instead, You were busy uploading the video of You wearing a Borat bikini on YouTube. When You should have been chasing stories and trying to determine who would be the next Person of the Year, You were instead writing post upon post on your blog about how it was You who got the very worst assignments.

Before laying You off, however, TIME expressed its gratitude towards You for that amazing brainstorm You had in coming up with the idea of naming Yourself as the Person of the Year, as well as your immense YouTube and blogging experience that made this issue possible. Although TIME no longer requires this skill-set from You, at the same time, TIME also wishes You the best and hopes that You will continue to enjoy success in your extra-curricular internet ventures, especially since You will now have significantly more time to invest in their execution once your employment there has been terminated.

George Will, cry baby

2006-12-18T10:13:00.000-05:00

George Will, conservative columnist, whines about "narcissistic bloggers" who write "their diaries as though everyone ought to care about everyone’s inner turmoils". Well, George, if you quit lying your ass off in those totally un-narcissistic Washington Post columns (which everybody ought to care about, by the way, because it is the great and wise George Will expressing his inner turmoils and not just any garden-variety internet user), we wouldn't need bloggers in the first place.

It is sad, oh so very sad to contemplate the desperate meanderings of a marginalized old man who's just beginning to grasp his own irrelevance in this world.

Is George Will turning senile?

2006-12-01T08:24:00.000-05:00

George Will hammers Democratic Virginia Senator-elect Jim Webb for being rude to President Bush in his Washington Post column. George is offended by the following conversation he says took place between Jim Webb and the President :

President : How's your boy?
Webb : I'd like to get them [sic] out of Iraq.
President : How's your boy?
Webb : That's between me and my boy.

On reading this exchange, it would probably be fair to think of Bush as a gentle concerned soul who, even after being rebuffed by the impolite Webb, continued to inquire about the well-being of Webb's son, who is serving in Iraq, only to be rebuffed again. One might even call Webb a "boor" and describe Bush's question towards Webb as "civil and caring" as Will does in his column.

Yes, that would be fair. If it were actually so. But George Will is not being entirely honest here. That's because he posts the link to the entire exchange in his column and this is how the conversation actually went :

President : How's your boy?
Webb : I'd like to get them [sic] out of Iraq.
President : That's not what I asked you, how's your boy?
Webb : That's between me and my boy.

Now doesn't that change things a bit? Doesn't Webb's response look much more reasonable now and Bush's seem to be petulant, infantile and yes, rude. And doesn't this pretty much demolish the basis of George Will's column, called "Already too busy for civility" which criticizes Webb for being an uncivil cad?

What was George thinking? Did he deliberately and mendaciously omit the truthful exchange from his column in order to bolster his non-existent point based on the belief that his readers would be too lazy to click through the link and check up on the facts? Did he recite the conversation through memory which can be pretty treacherous for a person of advanced age? Was it just sloppy editing? Or was it an instance of constructing facts around an already drawn premise, namely Webb's supposed boorish personality?

Whatever it was, it was a pretty sad spectacle to behold.

A Minnesota Republican's letter of concession

2006-11-17T10:43:00.000-05:00

Here's part of a letter of concession (via PZ) which a Minnesota State Senatorial candidate sent her victorious opponent after the election. What makes this letter interesting is that the candidate Rae Hart Anderson, a Republican, uses it to try and convert her opponent, Satveer Chaudhary, a practising Hindu to Christianity. It's actually quite hilarious if you think religious fundamentalism is funny.

Congratulations on winning the District 50 senate race. Your phone is "busy"...no doubt with good wishes!
I've enjoyed much of this race, especially the people I've met...even you! I see your deficits--not all of them, and your potential--but not all of it. Only your Creator knows the real potential He's put in you. Get to know Him and know yourself...you'll be more interesting even to you!
The race of your life is more important than this one--and it is my sincere wish that you'll get to know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. He died for the sins of the world, yours and mine--and especially for those who accept His forgiveness. His kingdom will come and His will be done--on earth as it is in heaven. There's more....I love belonging to the family of God. Jesus is the way, the truth and offers His life to you and each human being. Pay attention...this is very important, Satveer. Have you noticed Jesus for yourself...at some moment in time, yet???

The rest of the letter is a collection of biblical quotes and sermonizing babble any of us could write quite easily after downing a few. But I just don't understand how people can arrogantly foist some vague concept like Jesus Christ on people who clearly have their own vaguer concepts to uphold. Ordering a Hindu to believe in Jesus is akin to a South Indian denouncing a Punjabi guy for eating sarson da saag instead of idli sambar.

US midterm election results

2006-11-08T09:17:00.000-05:00

Democrats will take over the US House of representatives, could quite possibly take over the Senate as well if they manage to snag Montana and Virginia. Macacas (both taxi-driving and non) all over the country have been observed holding their breaths in anticipation.

Democrat Nancy Pelosi will be the first ever female Speaker of the US House and number 3 in the Presidential line of succession after the Vice President in case the quail were to ever fight back.

Most Philadelphia suburbs kicked out the Republican Congressional incumbent including Sen. Rick Santorum who will now have more time to obsess over homosexuality and man-on-dog sex in the comfort and privacy of his own home. In addition, Democratic PA Governor Ed Rendell was re-elected. Rendell did a lot of good things including completing the modernization of the Amtrak Keystone corridor, which will hopefully be a precursor for others to follow in ushering American rail travel into the 18th century. Still a long way to go, but good job nevertheless, PA citizens.

South Dakota rejected the strict anti-abortion bill which would deny abortions to anyone except, in the words of Republican state Senator Bill Napoli, the highly special case of a "rape victim, brutally raped, savaged" who happened to be "a virgin", but more to the point, "a religious virgin", who had "planned on saving her virginity until she was married" and who "was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated".

The rejection of this bill will now allow religious virgins who were raped, brutalized and impregnated but sadly, managed to not get sodomized, to still obtain an abortion nevertheless.

Missouri elected Democrat Claire McCaskill as US Senator, also approving a constitutional amendment permitting embryonic stem cell research. Ms. McCaskill was helped in her campaign by Michael J Fox, who starred in a campaign commercial asking Missouri voters to consider the implications of stem cell research in overcoming debilitating diseases and vote for McCaskill, a pro-stem cell candidate. Actor Jim Caviezel, who appeared in a counter-ad protesting stem cell research, is still trying to come to terms with the fact that he isn't really Jesus Christ.

Glenn Reynolds, that highly acclaimed political analyst, despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, continues to pretend that the election was predicated by everything except the Iraq war.

Gays who are not pedophiles won seats.

Gays who are pedophiles lost seats.

Heterosexuals who tried to strangle their mistresses lost seats.

And finally, Democratic control of the House might pave the way for the comprehensive immigration reform (CIR) bill to be passed into law, thus allowing numerous Macacas to not spend entire lifetimes in the US waiting to get a green card.

Vote

2006-11-07T07:47:00.000-05:00

Life is short. If you want to continue to live through your kids, please vote Democrat today.

The pictures

2006-11-02T10:56:00.000-05:00

(updated below)

I usually do not participate in the partisan slugfests that keep occurring at regularly scheduled intervals in the Indian blogosphere. Not because I am against alienating people from either side 'cause seriously, I couldn't give a fuck, but because I do not owe allegiance to any ideology in particular, and so, I find it hard to agree with anybody's views in their entirety on any particular issue.

But not this time. This is what happened. Shivam Vij posted pictures of the Kherlanji massacre of a Dalit family on his blog. The pictures included a graphic photograph of the raped and murdered girl containing partial nudity (or so they say, it has since been removed). This led to a number of people writing horror-stricken blog posts condemning Shivam's "lack of respect for the dignity of the dead" in posting these pictures and accusing him of trying to attract hits and attention through this medium.

Confused claims that pictures need not be shown and that wisely selected words should be enough to make people realize the horror of the crime. I disagree. Pictures are everything. Pictures put a face to the victim who would otherwise have just been a statistic. The actual sight of violence and bloodshed perpetrated by man on his brother / sister makes all the difference in overcoming the sterility of the printed word. The tremendous power of pictures in shaking people from their apathetic stupor is the reason why the Bush administration has banned pictures of coffins arriving from Iraq. It is also the reason why each time the American media depicts the violence and death occurring over in that blighted nation on screen, it causes the warmongering community consisting of Glenn Reynolds and his band of Bush cultists to protest about "liberal media bias". And it was the poignant sight of a Michael J Fox swaying uncontrollably on television as he pled for public support towards stem cell research that caused people to take notice and changed a whole lot of minds. Pictures are much more powerful than words and that is a fact.

Enter Gaurav Sabnis. He embarks on a blogpost with a couple of assumptions he peddles as fact with everything that follows in his post depending upon those "facts" for their meaning. Fact number 1 : Shivam is an attention-seeking journalist-whore. Fact number 2 : Shivam merely fakes his concern for Dalits and given a choice, he would not think twice before selling their mutilated bodies on the internet. No evidence is provided to back up these "facts". Once these "facts" have been reported as fact, whatever he says later becomes impenetrable to refutation because of his fundamental preconceived assumptions regarding Shivam's character.

However, the fact (without the air-quotes) is that there exists considerable evidence that contradicts them. Anyone who is remotely familiar with the Indian blogosphere should know that Shivam has been an activist for the Dalit cause for quite some time, as he explains on his blog. Which is why unless someone actually provides me with some evidence to the contrary, I would give Shivam the benefit of doubt in this respect.

Secondly, Sabnis, as well as other members of the anti-picture brigade claim that posting these pictures strip the dead of their dignity and that we should respect the privacy of the dead.

What does that even mean? What dignity? Dignity is a quality that lives and dies with a living being. Once you die, along with your clothes, wealth and silicon implants, you also leave your dignity behind. Whose dignity are we then protecting?

And let's say, if you actually did continue to possess dignity after you were dead, wouldn't your dignity be better served by raising awareness about the crime that was perpetrated on you, about the people who raped and murdered you who might get away scot free in the absence of a public outcry against their deeds? Wouldn't you feel that way, if it were you who were the victim?

Why, then, is Gaurav Sabnis foisting his own ideas about post mortem dignity on the dead? Isn't he kind of, you know, stripping away their dignity by doing that?

And before Sabnis asks me that question, yes, if it were my mother or sister who were raped and killed in that manner, if the government were not to come to my assistance, if my story were to be killed by the media, yes, fuck, yes, I would like their pictures to be plastered all over the media, over the blogosphere, dignity and privacy be damned. In fact, I would even be willing to pay for people to spread the word, just to raise awareness, just to get justice. And I would like my prime minister and every member of his cabinet to wake up and see those pictures first thing in the morning. I would like the nation to be ashamed of what its citizens are capable of. And that is me speaking for myself, not for the family of the dead, unlike Sabnis.

Sabnis then writes a follow up post defending his earlier post, which he nonchalantly begins with the sentence : "Shivam Vij has removed the naked picture." Nice job missing the point. That single sentence does more to illustrate the problem at the core of this business, namely, confusing violence with pornography. Sabnis sees the picture as that of a dead naked woman whereas the entire purpose of putting up the picture was clearly to showcase the savagery inflicted upon the woman and not the fact that she was missing her fucking top. Bizarre.

Lastly, I want to point out Sabnis' sentence in his later post where he says

"I found Shivam Vij's post distasteful, and conforming to the cheap attention-seeking, shock-inducing standards that seem to prevail in the Indian media nowadays."

Contrast this with Sabnis' attitude a couple of weeks ago towards a brother of the so-called Cartel who wrote a post containing the following literary gem :

"I think Tejal should set an example for the rest of us in ‘depreviledging’ systems by opening access to her arsehole. Everyone from Thakurs to Dalits to whites to blacks to barnyard animals to illegal Bangladeshi immigrants should be able to enter it at will. I see no reason why everyone should be a have-not when it comes to anal sex with Tejal, especially when she herself has the ability to make everyone a have."

And Sabnis' comment on this post?

"This is the best post ever. It is a splendid illustration of the sanctity of the owner’s rights over his private property. Unfortunately, many people do not have the capacity, willingness or maturity to grasp the succinctness of Aadisht’s argument."

So, to recap, Shivam's posting of a picture of a raped woman on his blog in a post condemning the rape equals a manifestation of the "distasteful, and conforming to the cheap attention-seeking, shock-inducing standards" prevailing in the media. Aadisht.net's post, critiquing a commentator using penetration of her arsehole as a prop, on the other hand, equals the best post ever written and anyone who would criticize all that talk about arsehole penetration (a living person's arsehole, by the way, talk about being a pro-dignity crusader) lacks the maturity to grasp the intricate argument that nestles underneath. Oh, the hilarity.

Note that I am not offering any opinion about utilizing shock value to raise awareness on an issue 'cause God knows I have indulged in it myself. However, I do find someone objecting to "attention seeking" and "shock-inducing" in one case while glorifying it in another kinda strange.

But ultimately, all this ongoing bullshit will continue to be bullshit. People will continue to get offended by controversial pictures while losing the actual point that was being made. Other people will continue to lose sight of the point themselves while getting diverted into defending those pictures. And meanwhile, atrocities will continue to be committed, reported upon and forgotten.

Update : It appears to me that anyone who has an opinion on this issue needs to first ask himself the following three questions :

1.> Do you hate Shivam?

2.> Do you doubt Shivam's motives in posting the pictures?

3.> How do you feel about posting such pictures in general?

If you answered yes to the first two questions, you should probably not bother asking yourself the third question, which actually happens to be the most important question of all. Unfortunately, most of who have commented on this issue so far have concentrated on answering yes to the first two questions and assumed that this automatically answers the third question. That is kind of stupid.

Update II : Here's Shivam's entire article for Tehelka of which the pictures were a precursor.

Quote of the day

2006-11-01T13:00:00.000-05:00

Republican Florida ~~Congressional~~ gubernatorial candidate Charlie Crist, explaining his opposition to gay marriage (via maru) :

"Marriage is a sacred relationship — like I had, before I got divorced."

If you are trying to convince Sean Hannity that the world is round, forget it

2006-10-20T09:34:00.000-04:00

What is wrong with Sean Hannity? Seriously, is he learning disabled? How hard is it to understand that no one is against listening in on phone conversations between suspected terrorist cells as long as the President obtains a warrant to do it? You know, so that he doesn't break the law? Even a fourth-grader should be able to understand the concept of warrants and probable cause. Yet, Hannity keeps babbling shit like :

"I don't think abandoning our troops on the battlefield or closing your eyes to enemy communications or listening to enemy communications in our country, or killing the economy, or supporting illegal immigration, I don't think that's something (for the Democrats) to run on."

I can just imagine the conversation that would ensue were you to ever try and convince Sean Hannity that contrary to his passionately held belief, the world isn't flat but spherical. It would probably go like this :

You : You know Sean, the world is round, so don't stop driving because you think you might fall off the edge.
Sean Hannity : Round? You mean like a ball?
You : Yes. Like a ball.
Sean Hannity : You mean like the ball they use in tennis games?
You : Er sure, like a tennis ball.
Sean Hannity : Wouldn't the earth shatter if you played tennis with it?
You : The earth is not used in tennis games.
Sean Hannity : You said it is.
You : No, I said it resembles a tennis ball.
Sean Hannity : Hmm..If the earth is so small, how come we all fit on it?
You : I didn't say it is as small as a tennis ball. I said it is round, like a tennis ball.
Sean Hannity : I can only imagine the amount of rubber it must have taken to build the earth.
You : The earth is not made of rubber.
Sean Hannity : A tennis ball is made of rubber and you said the earth is like a tennis ball but isn't as small. Hence, wouldn't it take a lot of rubber to build the earth?
You : I said it is round like a tennis ball, not made of the same material as a tennis ball.
Sean Hannity : So if no one plays tennis with the earth, why did God make a tennis ball shaped earth?
You : There are multiple problems with that question and I wouldn't know where to begin.
Sean Hannity : So you agree that there are problems with the theory that the earth is round like a tennis ball.
You : No there are no problems with this theory and it is actually a fact, not a theory.
Sean Hannity : So if the earth is like a tennis ball, the moon must be like what, a marble?
You : Serenity now, serenity now.
Sean Hannity : You know what, this is way too complicated for me. I think I will stick with the flat earth theory.

And that is kinda the same reason why Sean Hannity keeps propagating the myth that Democrats are against surveillance on terrorists. Because his brain cannot adjust to the fact that the matter might be a tad more complex than that.

Either that or he is being deliberately mendacious. But he is a devout Christian so I think we can dismiss that possibility. Can't we?

Homophobic Republican senator turns out to be gay

2006-10-18T22:35:00.000-04:00

Our useful idiots on the Right are crying rivers of tears over oh, how horrible it is that Republican senator Larry Craig of Idaho has been outed as a closet homosexual. How dare people pry into other people's private lives, they say with significant amounts of righteous indignation. Others are expressing stern disapproval about the alleged efforts of people to make the Republican party of America a pariah in the eyes of social conservatives, a typically Republican voterbase, by "gleefully" publicizing and showcasing its hitherto undisclosed affinity towards anal sex.

Are you fucking kidding me, Idiots 1 and 2?

First of all, Larry Craig is a senator. Not a private individual. And no, this in itself does not give Americans a license to scrutinize his private life. However, the fact that he has voted numerous times in favor of legislation aimed against homosexuals sure does. Look at his Senate voting record (via Pam). Sen. Craig has :

* Voted YES on constitutional ban of same-sex marriage. (Jun 2006)
* Voted NO on adding sexual orientation to definition of hate crimes. (Jun 2002)
* Voted NO on expanding hate crimes to include sexual orientation. (Jun 2000)
* Voted YES on prohibiting same-sex marriage. (Sep 1996)
* Voted NO on prohibiting job discrimination by sexual orientation. (Sep 1996)

You know, when you are a lawmaker who is supporting legislation to be enacted with the aim of allowing the government to intrude into the private lives of your fellow citizens based on their choice of lifestyle, you pretty much forfeit your own right to privacy. Especially when you are, you know, kind of a hypocrite 'cause of your own adherence to that lifestyle.

And dear Idiot 2, these are not, as you put it, "creepy, gleeful efforts at outing". These are attempts to hold our lawmakers accountable for their actions and if not zero, at least minimal standards of hypocrisy.

Ramadan fasting tips from the Ayatollah

2006-10-05T13:48:00.000-04:00

The Ayatollah Ali Khameini answers your questions with regard to Ramadan fasting (via Attaturk).

Question: There is a medicine for asthma patients, which is in the form of a spray containing a vapor-borne powder which enters the patient’s lungs through the mouth providing him relief. At times, asthma patients need to use it several times a day. Is it permissible to fast while using such a spray?

Answer: If it is compressed air mixed with medicine in the shape of powder or gas and enters the throat, the fast’s validity is problematic. If fasting without using it is difficult or impossible, using the medicine is permissible. However, it is a caution not to perform any other invalidator and to make qaḍā’ of the fast without using it, if possible.

Editor's translation : If you are merely sick but not in danger of dying, you may not alleviate your sickness with medicine during the fast. However, if you are reasonably sure that you will die without your medication, you may medicate yourself while fasting without incurring a significant amount of Holy wrath in the process.

For more complex situations, for example, if you believe that your demise is imminent in the absence of medication and hence take it but it turns out that you wouldn't really have died, answers about the final destination of your soul will be available with a premium membership.

=================

Question: If somebody masturbates during the month of Ramadan but without any discharge, is his fasting invalidated?

Answer: if he do not intend masturbation and discharging semen and nothing is discharged, his fasting is correct even though he has done a ḥarām act. But, if he intends masturbation or he knows that he usually discharges semen by this process and semen really comes out, it is a ḥarām intentional breaking fasting.

Editor's translation : It is ok to masturbate while fasting as long as you are unaware that the act of stroking yourself repeatedly to the accompaniment of a brief, oh so brief moment of pleasure is actually masturbation.

If you have additional questions about asthma medication, masturbation or any other acts you are desirous of performing during Ramadan but are unsure about the (il)legalities that might be involved, please click on this url and pray that the question of the day matches your inquiry.

Capital investment

2006-10-05T08:40:00.000-04:00

Peter Glover at TCS Daily whines about environmentalists creating a lot of global warming themselves while flying places to educate people about global warming. Next thing on Mr Glover's agenda, a critical look at why it should be necessary to buy stuff before selling it at a higher price because c'mon, doesn't buying something result in spending money whereas the whole idea in the first place was to make money? Goddamn, TCS is chock full of idiots. And they call themselves free market capitalists. Ever hear about the concept of capital investment?

Also, I don't think I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for Mr Glover to denounce George W. Bush's invasion of Iraq and the slaughter of thousands of Iraqis towards the cause of eternal world peace.

It's all semantics

2006-10-03T08:18:00.000-04:00

If it had been a Democratic president, he would have been called a "tax and spend big government liberal". Since it's Bush we are talking about, he is described as someone who is "willing to deviate from conservative orthodoxy on the role of government". Doesn't that sound positively adorable now?

Oh Glenn Reynolds, you kill me.

In other Instapundit news, he links to some dude claiming to be a "veteran gay and human rights advocate", who is asking the gay wing of the Democratic National Committee, the Human Rights Campaign, to issue a response to the Foley scandal rocking the Congress. Petrelis says :

"The largest gay organization in America and all its members can't see a single reason to weigh in on anything related to Foley, showing HRC has all the backbone of one of the dead, boneless chickens served at their dinners."

First of all, it's not a big fucking scandal because of Foley's homosexuality. It's a big fucking scandal because the other party is under aged. I thought this was pretty obvious. If Foley were to have committed a bank robbery, I bet Mr Petrelis would still have wanted the HRC to issue a response just because he is homosexual. What a fool, this guy.

Secondly, what is with the phrase "one of the dead, boneless chickens served at their dinners"? Sounds like back-handed gay bashing to me, Mr Gay and Human Rights Advocate. Even though, of course, there is absolutely nothing wrong in eating dead boneless chicken for dinner. Personally, I would prefer it to devouring a live skeletal bird which Mr Petrelis appears to have a predilection for.

In other other news, it is well known that Glenn Reynolds likes to periodically publish readers 'emails that accuse him of being a liberal. You know, just so he can preserve his mystical aura of being an unbiased independent. After all how can you call someone who gets slammed by wingnuts a wingnut? Sadly, he must not be getting a lot of those emails now because he has had to resort to publishing some of the more deranged ones. Like, for example, this one :

"You'll be laughing out of the other side of your liberal mouth when your butt buddy, Harold Jr., gets his ass kicked in the election. You guys must be long lost, separated brothers."

That's pretty psychotic. Surprisingly, Reynolds giggles it up like a schoolgirl, apparently flattered out of his wits for being mistaken as a liberal. However, if someone were to have mailed him this same letter, accusing him of being a conservative and using the same general tone of communication, Reynolds would have spent all morning weeping and blustering about the lack of civility in contemporary liberal society.

But speaking as someone who is not deranged, I gotta tell you this, Mr Reynolds, you are no liberal, so quit your goddamn role-playing, no one's buying the pretence.

Condoleezza Rice caught in a flagrant lie

2006-10-02T22:22:00.000-04:00

Before :

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said she cannot recall then-CIA chief George Tenet warning her of an impending al Qaeda attack in the United States, as a new book claims he did two months before the attacks on Sept. 11, 2001.

"What I am quite certain of is that I would remember if I was told, as this account apparently says, that there was about to be an attack in the United States, and the idea that I would somehow have ignored that I find incomprehensible," Rice said.

Now : (via Atrios)

JIDDA, Saudi Arabia, Oct. 2 — A review of White House records has determined that George J. Tenet, then the director of central intelligence, did brief Condoleezza Rice and other top officials on July 10, 2001, about the looming threat from Al Qaeda, a State Department spokesman said Monday.

I know what you are saying, she couldn't recall it, the poor thing, let us give her the benefit of doubt, give her an aspirin and tuck her into a warm bed with a glass of 2% milk and an Ann Coulter book. To which I say, are you out of your motherfucking mind? She was the National Security Advisor. Her job was to remember if she was told that America would be getting a visit from old man Laden's band of bloodthirsty elves. And, of course, to discover a way to bring down his sled with all its jingling bells before it landed on your roof with its cargo of goodies. It's kinda different from, say, forgetting about an appointment for a haircut. A whole lotta different.

But the key question to me is, how come the Secretary of State is so fucking stupid that she didn't realize her lie would be found out sooner or later through the White House records? If not for lying her ass off, she should at least be fired for being so goddamn stupid. And these jackasses want to fight America's war on terror. Give me a fucking break.

I'm guessing that with this shit and the Foley crap, Tony Snow, the White House spokesdick is not gonna want to wake up tomorrow morning. Oh well, bad things happen to evil people. Let us save our sympathy for those who deserve it, like, say, the Green Bay Packers, who are looking to get ass whooped during the next half hour by the Eagles.

But remember as you go to sleep today, Condoleezza lied and people died.

The end of American secularism

2006-10-02T10:50:00.000-04:00

So the US Senate has officially done away with the bill of rights. We all know that and we have taken all the necessary precautions. Such as publicly petitioning Schick for adding a 5th, 6th and even a 7th blade to the Quattro razor that will eliminate not only the barest wisp of terroristy facial hair but also the skin that provided an environment conducive to its growth in the first place.

But now, the US House of Representatives, not to be left behind, has achieved a huge victory in dismantling the First Amendment in the form of The Public Expression of Religion Act - H.R. 2679. This act (via Cosmic Variance) rules that attorneys who challenge and are successful in overturning government actions that are perceived to be violating the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment cannot recover attorneys fees from the defendant. The Establishment Clause is that section of the First Amendment which prohibits the federal government from declaring and financially supporting a national religion.

Usually, if you sue someone successfully for having encroached upon your constitutional or civil rights, there exists a federal statute which entitles the attorney who represented you to collect his fees not from you, but from the person or entity who was found to be guilty. This new bill will make an exception for cases that allege a violation of the Establishment Clause and require the plaintiff to sue the government out of his own pocket.

Simply put, the US House of Representatives just made it more difficult for an average resident of the US to challenge any governmental actions which, in the view of the resident, are advancing a religious agenda.

Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that there existed a hypothetical religion which included among its most fundamental precepts, a belief that molesting a child is the path to the Lord (any resemblance to an actual religion is merely coincidental). And if the Republican-led US Congress, in order to snag the voter-base consisting of the followers of this religion, decided to sign into law a bill making it mandatory for all Americans to molest a child every sunday. If it so happens that you are not a follower of that religion, you would probably say to yourself, you know what, the First Amendment gives me the religious freedom to choose not to molest a child every sunday. And then, you would contact an attorney and ask him to challenge this mandatory child molestation law in court on your behalf.

In happier times, your attorney would have listened to your side of the story, stamped his legal approval on your contention that the government should quit forcing religion and child molestation down your throat, and agreed to represent you in court, safe in the knowledge that he would be collecting his legal fees from the government if he were to win the suit, regardless of whether you were in a position to pay him or not.

Now, the passage of this new bill would make the decision to sue much more difficult for you. Since the bill absolves the government of any financial responsibilities, instead putting them on your shoulders, essentially, the bill would force you to choose between resigning yourself to a lifestyle of child molestation or spending a boatload of money in battling for your right not to follow that lifestyle. And if you are an average person with an average income and cannot afford an attorney, you would probably choose to molest regardless of the fact that it is against the tenets of your religion.

This bill signifies the continued descent of America into a religious theocracy. It gives the government a free pass to inject religion into any sphere of society it chooses to and places the financial burden of justifying its illegality on the citizen who would disagree with it. And finally, it makes it difficult for a citizen to challenge the government on any matter which the government has deemed to be of a religious nature.

RIP US

2006-09-29T19:40:00.000-04:00

The US Senate has passed a bill that suspends the writ of Habeas Corpus. The US government will henceforth be able to legally imprison and torture anyone indefinitely without giving them an opportunity to defend themselves in court, be it US citizen or enemy combatant ('cause we know that one can either be the former or the latter, there is no option C), based on the mere suspicion of being a terrorist. A big thank you to the legal community, we will not be requiring your services any more. We are guilty as charged, fuck judicial procedure and assumption of innocence unless proven guilty.

Good bye Land of the Free, welcome Home of the so fucking craven that they would throw their own mother into a dungeon if they were to catch her eating humus rolled up in a pita.

A few words of caution for anyone with a wheatish complexion. Please dispose of all your turbans and dupattas in a safe and eco-friendly manner. Maintain a clean shaven profile and try not to look terroristy. If you have to venture outside, make sure you do so only under the cover of darkness.

Thank you Democratic Party. Thank you for remembering to wear your diapers before you pissed all over our kitchen floor. The next time someone assaults our rights, we know who to call.

Go here for a eulogy. Then go here to pay your last respects to the dying nation.

Osama if you don't wipe that smirk off your face I'm gonna walk over there and turn off your dialysis machine.

Speaking of fundamentalists, oh oh, Glenn Reynolds, the revered Instapundit, seems to be uncomfortable with this bill. How's that possible? After all, it's the Fearless Leader's wish. Here's why :

According to an email published by Jonah Goldberg, the bill doesn't just apply to aliens.....But if it's true, it's a major problem with the bill, one that increases the likelihood ofits being found unconstitutional, and one that would make me much more unhappy with the bill.

Imprison a foreigner without access to legal aid, attach electrodes to his testicles, hey that's just fine with me, says the Glennster. Just don't do it to an American citizen. 'Cause that would be an unAmerican thing to do.

Pope says dead Byzantine Emperor actually respected Islam

2006-09-26T08:26:00.000-04:00

After raising a furor over his comments in an address in Germany, Pope Benedict XVI (16) is now taking steps to quell the rising tide of anger unleashed against him in the Islamic world.

During his address at the University of Regensburg, the pope had quoted 14th-century Byzantine emperor Manuel II Paleologus as having said, "Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached."

Naturally, this led to a violent reaction by Muslims who disagreed with this assessment of their religion, causing the Pope to withdraw the now-dead Emperor's remarks. In a ceremony at the Vatican, the pope re-quoted Emperor Paleologus as having said that he was sorry for the reaction he had caused within the Islamic community and that he had no way of knowing that people in 2006 would still remember his words from 600 years ago which had been uttered during the heat of the moment after losing all his earthly possessions to his friend, Abu Salim during a frantic game of poker.

However, the Muslim world, being unsatisfied with a mere withdrawal of the Emperor's statement, continued to seethe at the pope's quotes of the Emperor's accusation of Islam being a sword-friendly religion, even killing an Italian nun to argue their case. This finally resulted in the pope getting together with a number of diplomats from Islamic countries and telling them that in his latest post-mortem transmission from beyond the grave, the Emperor Paleologus had said that not only was he sorry for the reaction to his quotes, he even respected Islam and that he apologized for having put his good friend Pope Benedict XIV (16) in such a politically precarious position.

On being asked about the reason behind the sudden turn-around in the Emperor's views, the Pope Benedict XVI (16) replied, "Well, it's almost the beginning of Ramadan and the season for fasting and as we all know, hunger can really drive people to violence."

Monday Night Football to restore New Orleans' image as a city of rich black athletes

2006-09-25T10:30:00.000-04:00

The NFL game to be played tonight between the New Orleans Saints and the Atlanta Falcons at the Louisiana Superdome will be a major step forward in restoring the aura of wealth and prosperity back on New Orleans, the city that was ravaged by Hurricane Katrina a year ago.

Tonight at 9:00 pm Eastern time, amidst the pomp and pageantry of the NFL's monday night games, the Louisiana Superdome will cast off the depressing image Americans have been associating with it for all of last year, namely, as a refuge for poor black people huddled within its cavernous interior, battling the hurricane raging outside. Instead, the Superdome will once again regain its former image as a place where rich black athletes compete against each other once every two weeks, six months of every year.

Although most of New Orleans' black neighbourhoods still lie in ruins, the return of football to this city is an important milestone in the mission of making New Orleans habitable for tourists staying there for upto two days at a time. It is hoped that the plan for diverting the money earmarked for building schools, hospitals and government buildings into the rebuilding of the Superdome will return rich dividends by bringing football fans to the city, whose fanatical desire for hot dogs, alcohol and marijuana will provide a shot in the arm to the hospitality and drug peddling industries that were the worst hit after the hurricane.

New Orleans Saints wide receiver Joe Horn defended the decision to rebuild the city one football stadium at a time. "If you can rebuild a place that's 1.9 million square feet, you should be able to come back here and rebuild a 3,000-square foot house.", said Mr Horn. "And now that the Superdome has been reconstructed, we now know for a fact that building a 3,000 square foot house indeed lies within our capabilities."

Louisiana governor Kathleen Blanco who was responsible for getting the FEMA to pay up 120 million dollars towards the reconstruction of the Superdome, said, "The Superdome was symbolic of a lot of misery. It is now a symbol of recovery. We hope that the brand spanking new sports arena will be a model for New Orleans residents to emulate as they rebuild their own homes and communities on their own."

Governor Blanco also pointed out that a significant portion of the reconstruction of the football stadium was carried out using FEMA funds collected through donations made by hurricane victims themselves. Recognizing the importance of football to their devastated city, these people voluntarily parted with the funds they had received from FEMA as hurricane relief after receiving a request from FEMA to return that money back to the government.

As tonight wears on and the image of NFL players wrestling for possession of the football washes away the image of hurricane refugees wrestling for food and space, the return of football to New Orleans will embody the very basic of American values : Symbolism over Substance.

Stupid post of the day

2006-09-14T13:37:00.000-04:00

The solution to gun violence in colleges? To equip every student with a gun. Try to come up with as many reasons as possible why this is not such a good idea. Via the always reliable online repository of stupid posts.

Compassionate conservatism

2006-09-01T08:22:00.000-04:00

Steve Centanni and Olaf Wiig, two Fox News correspondents who were kidnapped by a Gaza-based Islamist group, were recently released, but only after their captors forcibly converted them to Islam on camera at gunpoint.

Initially, many conservative bloggers denounced these kidnappings and expressed their support for these reporters. They also vented their anger against anti-Fox News biased liberals who they accused of feeling that the men deserved to be kidnapped. But once the correspondents were released after their conversion to Islam, it was a different story. On their return to America, the reporters received a cold reception from the conservative block, even from those who had previously cried rivers of tears on their behalf.

The reason for this bizarre change of heart? The extraordinary cowardice these men had displayed in submitting, at gun point, to renouncing ~~Christ~~ their faith. Many conservative bloggers even said that in the hypothetical event of themselves being in a similar situation, the hypotheticalness exacerbated by the fact that most of these bloggers will have very few opportunities to encounter battlezone conditions outside of JC Penney post-Thanksgiving sales, they would prefer death to religious conversion. Others claimed that the West's war against militant Islam had suffered a severe blow due to this rather wimpish capitulation of Western reporters to their Muslim captors. Of course, none of these critics actually had a gun pointing to their head as they wrote their brave screed, so it is difficult to know whether they would actually have followed up on their promise of choosing "de-capitation over capitulation" in reality.

Jon Swift, an amazing satirist whose blog I've recently discovered, brilliantly tears all these faux warriors to shreds as he points out the rare courage it takes for a conservative behind a keyboard to defend Christianity and Western values by fearlessly defying the threat of a gun pointed at someone else's head.

To be scared or not to be scared

2006-08-24T13:49:00.000-04:00

A few days ago, Glenn Reynolds sank deeper into Kook quagmire by acting as an apologist for the passengers of Flight 613 who kicked a couple of Arab-looking, Arab-speaking men off the plane for being Arab-looking and Arab-speaking. Reynolds justified the knee-jerk reaction of the plane passengers by saying "this is the kind of thing that happens when people don't trust the authorities to protect them". Today, bizarrely, he links to an excellent blog post by Bruce Schneier that warns people not to over-react to the threat of terrorism.

But then, just as one is beginning to wonder whether Reynolds has finally broken through the iron curtain that separates the right-wing fearmongers from normal people, he goes ahead and endorses this goofy warning from a paranoid commenter at the blog post he links to, who says :

"What's to stop terriorists now just getting on flights and acting suspiciously on purpose. If no crime was committed (I was just checking my watch, saying my prayers, going to the bathroom etc.) they can cause disruption, create paranoia and terror at will and get off scott free."

So, after initially asking us to be afraid of Arabs flying on our planes, then warning us not to overreact, Reynolds is now saying that we need to seriously consider a fantastic scenario involving plane-hopping peaceful terrorists who fly from country to country in order to engage in indiscriminate watch-gazing, praying and bathroom-visiting on the plane for the sole purpose of getting that plane diverted and causing people's schedules to go haywire. Okay Glenn, quit confusing me now. Should I be a terrified pant-shitter or not? Just give me a straight answer, yes or no.

Dear God, you kinda lost me there

2006-08-21T22:37:00.000-04:00

Hi God, good morning and thank you very much for replying to my instant message and accepting my chat invite :-). I know you are a very busy person and no doubt have numerous fans who send you chat invites and even more who instant message you even when your messenger status clearly says that you are busy and should not be disturbed. God how I hate such people :-(.

But God, please bear with me because I have something very important to ask you. I have to confess God, in the past two weeks you have lost me. I just don't get it, God, I have lost the ability to decipher your signals, I am totally perplexed. As you might be knowing (since you are all-knowing and stuff), I have been following your blog as well as your podcast for many years now, heck, I even play it on my headphones as I sleep because I feel subliminal indoctrination really works. Plus, I try to keep a look-out for any tell-tale messages you might have left for me when I wasn't looking in the form of natural disasters, humanitarian crises and such. For example, it wasn't that hard for me to realize that you created Hurricane Katrina in order to give me a hint that you were kinda pissed at me because I told you I thought my male neighbour was somewhat good-looking, and since then, I have acted on your wishes and inflicted permanent deformity on his face through the use of sulphuric acid. So as you can see God, my neighbour will not be tempting any more innocent men through his sinful yet delectable buttocks ;o) just kidding, God.

But God, I have to admit, for the past two weeks, your messages have been getting increasingly cryptic. I just can't seem to make out what it is that you are trying to tell me. For example, there was that one instance of this tree suddenly starting to spout water through its trunk. What did it mean, God? Why a tree? Why that particular tree? Did you want me to chop down that tree and turn it into a Bible? I know people are saying it might just be a burst water pipe and that the water probably rose up through its trunk, but have you heard anything funnier or less believable than that theory? What next, water rising up through the air? Evolution? ROTFLMAO.

Sorry God, I had to leave my desk because I was actually rolling on the floor there, you know I wouldn't use ROTFLMAO if I wasn't really doing it, don't you? God? God? Oh there you are. Please scroll back for my apology.

So as I was saying, God, then, a week ago, there was that chocolate bar that you sculpted into a statue of the Virgin Mary. Again, I confess, I didn't get it, dear Lord and Savior. Did you not want me to eat that piece of chocolate? I know sometimes eating chocolate can get me to feel a bit, let's say mildly amorous, but I did not know you felt so strongly about it. Or do you believe that chocolates, like human embryos, are living sentient beings and do not wish to be killed? But as I said, this is all just conjecture on my part.

But God, in my humble opinion, what you did in Mumbai was the most puzzling of all your actions. Why did you turn all that seawater sweet? Was it really to cure all of our illnesses and make us immortal? I got my mother back home in India to send me some of that stuff in a bottle, and I gotta tell you God, it really tastes like shit. If what they say is true and it is just the pollution making it sweet, I guess the water's gonna be getting a lot sweeter in the coming days after the sewage discharge of Mumbaikars quadruples on consuming this stuff. But then, God, maybe your point in decreasing the salinity of the sea was to try and get me to reduce the salt intake in my diet. Was that it? Please God, did you look into my future and see elevated blood pressure? I've got to know.

And finally, what is it with this latest sign where you made all those idols drink milk? I didn't know you were into dairy products, who would've guessed? But I guess you are a simple person, just like me ^o^.

But whatever it was, God, I just feel like we are not on the same wavelength anymore. It seems like you are trying to tell me things and that I'm not quite getting them. Could you please be somewhat less ambiguous about your commands? If you want me to go kill someone just tell me that in plain language, send me a text message, an email, please don't use symbols such as, say, a goat that shits a turd in the shape of a revolver or something. Seriously God, that stuff is pretty hard to decipher. Plus, it might just be a coincidence, in which case, I would have committed a sin in your eyes, and as everybody knows, you are only okay with crimes that have been explicitly sanctioned by you.

And about all those other things, God, I have a humble suggestion. Just create a Wikipedia entry and add detailed explanations as to your real intent behind performing all those wonderful miracles. And don't worry, no one's gonna edit it. After all, people don't want to go to Hell, do they?

Bye God and thank you for chatting with me. I will let George W. Bush know you said Hello.

XOXOXOX on your feet.

Airline to allow passengers to land and take off

2006-08-21T08:22:00.001-04:00

Close on the heels of its critically acclaimed and highly successful new policy of allowing passengers to take airplane security into their own hands by kicking anyone they suspect of being a terrorist off the plane, UK-based Monarch Airlines has announced its newest initiative for enhancing traveller comfort during the journey. This new policy initiative will allow any Monarch airlines passenger concerned about the pilot's ability to take off or land the plane to carry out the task himself.

Towards this end, every passenger seat in the newly ordered Boeing 787-8 Dreamliners will come equipped with a joystick and a complete set of controls for flying the plane. In the event of any passenger feeling mentally threatened due to a perceived lack of confidence in the pilot's flying capabilities, the passenger will be able to switch to manual override and take over the plane himself.

Air travellers applauded this new feature. "When I am landing or taking off, I always feel nervous, I keep wondering whether the pilot has extended his flaps, whether the landing gear is down, or if there are any other planes in the way", explained passenger Heath Schofield. "Now instead of relying on the pilot, I can check on all these things myself. The only person I trust to keep myself safe is me."

Blogger Glenn Reynolds agreed with this assessment. "This is the kind of thing that happens when people don't trust the authorities to protect them from incompetent pilots", said Mr Reynolds. "After all, the probability of getting killed in a plane crash due to pilot error is almost 1 in a million. In fact, it is even greater than the probability of your plane getting hijacked by terrorists. Therefore, it makes sense for every passenger to be allowed access to the controls of the plane in order to safeguard their own lives."

Blogger Sister Toldjah had a different angle on the issue. "If you look at most plane crashes, they all occurred with a pilot at the controls. Thus, it is necessary for air travellers to refuse to fly any plane manned by a "pilot". This isn't profiling, it is just common sense."

In its ongoing effort to improve the quality of its service, Monarch Airlines is now considering keeping a handgun under every seat in the plane in order to allow passengers to shoot anyone who begins to display a terrorist-like demeanour after the plane has taken off.

Inane Instapundit link of the day

2006-08-10T16:35:00.000-04:00

Glenn Reynolds puts up a post on the British terror plot and says :

"Some people have decided that the war on terror is passe. But although you may not be interested in terrorism, terrorism is still interested in you."

When Glenn Greenwald takes him to task (via) on making such an arbitrary statement without backing it up with evidence, Reynolds amends his post, adding a link to someone who, one would think, would presumably be supplying the evidence needed to back up Reynolds' statement by providing a list of people arranged in alphabetical order who've decided that terror is passe.

On clicking through that link, all we get is this insanely stupid post by Roger Simon, which is nothing but a childish diatribe directed towards Ned Lamont who won the CT democratic primary over Bush choirboy Joe Lieberman. This diatribe is basically a fictional account of how the author imagines Mr Lamont's reaction to the foiling of the terror plot would be. Let me repeat this. The Instapundit, when asked to back up his statement that "some people have decided that terror is passe", links to someone who conjures up a fictional reaction from Ned Lamont which purportedly proves that he thinks terror is passe.

This post is so asinine that words fail me. It fails to make a single point except that whoever voted for Ned Lamont was, in some way, pro-Islamic fascism. No, it does not provide a single shred of evidence to back that claim. Mr Simon says is :

"No one looks dopier today than the collection of self-righteous fuddy-duddies who voted for Ned Lamont in Tuesday's Democratic Primary in Connecticut. In the darkness of his soul Lamont himself must be wondering how to react to the news that another ten jets filled with innocent human beings were about to explode over the Atlantic. Not good for his campaign."

And then he follows up with some Coulterish babble which of course, is devoid of any meaning whatsoever.

But Mr Simon does not specify what, if anything, does Mr Lamont's being anti-Iraq war have to do with the British terror plot. Secondly, it does not prove that Mr Lamont thinks terror is passe. All in all it is one of the saddest, stupidest right-wing posts I've ever read. And I feel bad for Glenn Reynolds that this is the best he could come up with to support his statement. In my opinion, he should have looked some more, maybe even used ask.com. But he probably just didn't have time. I think we should give him the benefit of doubt because he is a busy person with many friends and family who need to be linked to.

Monday morning hafta

2006-08-07T08:17:00.000-04:00

Go here. It is up. And feel free to browse around. It's all good.

Israel apologizes for attack on UN post, says it forgot to reprogram American-made bombs

2006-07-27T08:56:00.000-04:00

Israel has accepted full responsibility for its attack on a United Nations post in Southern Lebanon on tuesday, which resulted in its total destruction as well as the deaths of ~~two~~ four UN observers. This attack, carried out through smart bombs that were shipped to Israel by the US, dazzled the international community by its precision targetting of UN personnel while keeping Lebanese civilian casualties to a minimum. Israel has apologized to the international community, saying that it forgot to reprogram the targeting mechanism of these smart bombs, which, as they leave American assembly-lines, come preprogrammed to destroy UN bases throughout the world.

The United States, which is currently engaged in a perpetual state of warfare against the United Nations, has developed a huge arsenal of bombs to be utilized in attacks against that organization and its peacekeeping bases throughout the world. These bombs involve state of the art technology which allows them to determine the locations of UN personnel on the ground and target them for elimination with pinpoint accuracy.

The US has already added the United Nations to its list of "rogue terrorist organizations", and has accused it of being actively involved in aiding worldwide terrorism and insurgency by refusing to provide the US with a blank check for invading any country it pleases. The UN has also angered Americans by carrying out peacekeeping and humanitarian missions in countries attacked by the US or any of its allies, in this case, Israel.

Many American conservatives have advocated that in addition to eliminating United Nations terrorist camps throughout the world, the United States should not balk at destroying those that exist on its own soil, regardless of the American casualties that would result in the process. These counterterrorism experts justify these casualties by saying that "if by ignorance, complicity, neglect or helplessness the Americans wouldn't throw the UN out and establish a strong government, then they must pay the price for the sins of the UN". Although most agree that the appointment of John Bolton's moustache as American ambassador to the United Nations was a step in the right direction, more needs to be done towards bringing the UN to its knees in order to force it to toe the line of American foreign policy regardless of its ill-effects on the rest of the UN member nations.

The Hindustan Times quotes us

2006-07-25T09:04:00.000-04:00

Over the weekend, the July 23rd issue of the Hindustan Times gave us some print space and quoted our thoughts on the Indian government's blocking of websites. Here is the entire column. Other bloggers who were also quoted were Patrix of Nerve Endings Firing Away and Samanth Subramaniam of A Writer and his Webblahg.

Look to your right. I am a celeb hiker. Yeah, the print's kinda small but here's the quote :

This 30-year-old with a day job as a software developer in the US prefers to be known as killer.eggplant or curiousgawker. Took to blogging in 2005 because it was either that, or “standing on a park bench with a mike”

‘How can citizens trust a government not to screw up a good policy when it cannot even manage to bring a bad policy to success?’

The other two celeb hikers had their pictures accompanying their quotes. Due to my dogged refusal to provide a mugshot of myself, they added some kind of a fruit to give a human face to my quotes. After consuming the better part of a day and a half in mulling over the philosophical significance of having a fruit for a face, I finally realized that it was an eggplant with horns. 'Cause I am a killer eggplant. Which happens to be my email ID. It all made sense now.

To be honest, when I chose "killer eggplant" as my new email ID, I wasn't really sure if I was making the right move and whether I should postpone the decision to a time of less inebriation. But now I realize it was a good choice on my part. Those horns, man. They are the bomb. And the bright green of the dangling leaf proves that I am still garden fresh. I am pretty sure that I would make a delicious baingan bharta. Thank you HT graphics artist.

Update : After some more investigation and exploration of avenues, we managed to find an enlarged viewer-friendly version of the column.

Hindu Republic of Pakistan behind Mumbai blasts, says Shahi Imam of Jama Masjid

2006-07-24T11:28:00.000-04:00

The Shahi Imam of Jama Masjid, Mr Syed Ahmed Bukhari, today denounced the Hindu Republic of Pakistan for its involvement in the Mumbai bomb blasts of July 11 (via comments at The Acorn). Speaking to a gathering of worshippers inside the historic 350 year old Jama Masjid mosque, Mr Bukhari lambasted the Central government for falsely implying that the Islamic fundamentalist Lashkar-e-Toiba organization was responsible for the blasts and added that in all likelihood, it was neighbouring Hindu Pakistan that had a hand in the attacks.

Mr Bukhari was especially critical of the Indian government's quickness to lay blame at the feet of this humanitarian organization. Pointing to the Lashkar-e-Toiba's pioneering work in feeding the homeless and clothing the naked, Mr Bukhari said that it was inconceivable that this peaceful organization would even know how to manufacture explosives out of ammonium nitrate and RDX, technology which Mr Bukhari claimed, has never left the inner sanctum of the mosque.

On being asked who, in his opinion, were the actual perpetrators of the bomb blasts, Mr Bukhari suggested that RSS cadets and Shiv Sena insurgents operating from across the border were most probably the culprits. "A cursory glance at Indian history will show that most bomb blasts that have occurred in this country have been traced to Hindu militants funded and trained by Pakistan. In this case, there is no reason to believe otherwise."

Mr Bukhari ended his speech by denouncing the government's policy of singling out Islamic terrorists for persecution. "We want equality before the law'', said Mr Bukhari, alleging that Maoists and insurgent groups in the North-East were receiving preferential treatment."It is high time that the government shed its centuries old communalistic mindset and started embracing terrorists of all castes and creeds".

Is this the future of mankind

2006-07-21T09:15:00.000-04:00

Israeli children writing final words on bombs meant to kill the Lebanese. Can anybody seriously look into the future of the middle-east and claim that war in that region is going to solve anything?

And what the fuck are the parents of these kids doing, infusing them with such hatred? To all Indians who point a finger towards Israel and gushingly proclaim, "Look at those ballsy guys, they're surrounded by enemies and yet they continue to survive", while advocating that India follow a similar policy of eternal warfare towards its neighbours, I would like to ask these people, do you seriously want your kids to turn into monsters like these?

Something to think about.

Update : More here and here (H/T : Electric Blues in the comments). It appears that the children were a victim of media manipulation. However, I am nevertheless aghast at the parents who allowed their kids to be photographed signing those bombs and the media's publishing of these images which can only serve to inflame the situation some more.

It is also necessary to point out that the sight of Arab kids dressed up as suicide bombers is as despicable as that of Israeli kids signing bombs. How about keeping the next generation of humans untainted with all the hatred of our times?

Poll shows unused human embryos would rather be flushed down the toilet than be used in life-saving research

2006-07-19T11:33:00.000-04:00

A new poll carried out by the Bush White House conclusively proves that more human embryos would prefer to be destroyed by being flushed down the toilet than being used for stem cell research.

The US Senate passed legislation yesterday which would expand federal funding towards stem cell research, utilizing human embryos from fertility clinics that would otherwise have been discarded. The study of human stem cells contains a vast potential for discovering cures to various debilitatory diseases such as diabetes, Alzheimer's and Parkinson's by virtue of the unique property embryonic stem cells have of transforming themselves into a variety of specialized body cells.

President Bush, however, has expressed his intent to veto the legislation, saying, "We do not know whether the embryos would wish to die a natural death in the sewers of our cities or be used to save the lives of our citizens."

In order to gauge popular opinion, human embryos stored in fertility clinics nationwide were woken up from their state of embryonicity in order to ascertain their view about the Senate legislation. Although most were unable to respond to questions or any other form of sensory stimulii, many succeeded in communicating telepathically to White House pollsters, saying that even though their knowledge of the Bible was limited, their faith forbade them from being used to further the cause of science.

Most Senate Democrats, excepting one, voted for the legislation. However, Republicans not afflicted by diseases the study of stem cells could find a cure for, have supported President Bush's intention of vetoing the bill and quashing stem cell research. The White House, in turn, responded by saying that "It's inappropriate for the federal government to finance something that many people consider murder." "Go Israel", added Tony Snow, the White House spokesman.

The incompetence of the Indian government

2006-07-19T08:17:00.000-04:00

Man, this really makes me squirm in embarassment. The Indian government is actually mispelling the websites it wishes to block, and as a result, blocking the wrong ones . Forget the really obvious incorrectly blocked websites like Princess Kimberly. Where the government really screws up is in blocking the following websites:

http://pajamaeditors.blogspot.com : Er .. what? This site gets an average of 24 visitors a day. Is it possible that the government actually wanted to ban the Pajamas Media website (http://pajamasmedia.com) , a kinda mediocre, but nevertheless popular aggregation of right wing pro-Bush bloggers? Did someone in the government google "pajama" and ban every website that appeared in the search results?

http://exposingtheleft.blogspot.com : This is an easy one. I think it's safe to say that the government probably wished to block the rabidly right-wing and much accessed website Expose the Left (http://exposetheleft.com) and not Exposing the Left, which, with all due respect to the "editors" of the website, isn't as big a player in conservative psycho-babble and Bush-worship as is its almost-namesake.

http://mypetjava.mu.nu : I don't know what the fuck this site is about. Looks like one of those technical geeky ones. More blockable, however, is this one, The Jawa Report , (http://mypetjawa.mu.nu) , also a hugely popular right-wing pro-Bush website. Notice the difference? jawa, versus java.

And finally, http://thepirateco.us doesn't even fucking exist. Who the heck knows what this was supposed to be. Maybe someone in the government has an irrational fear of pirates. Or something.

Goddamnit, can't the Indian government even indulge in some freedom-curtailing and dictatorial authoritarianism without skewering its dignity in the process? How can one trust a government to pursue and catch the perpetrators of the Mumbai bomb blasts when it can't even bring its ludicrously wrong-headed policies to a successful conclusion? Christ, these clowns can't even do the wrong things right. It's like the neighbourhood peeping Tom who climbs the wrong tree in front of the wrong house and spends the night trying to peep into the wrong window. Shit, this government sickens and embarasses me with its ineptitude.

Ann Coulter running out of English language based profanity

2006-07-14T09:24:00.000-04:00

Reports suggest that conservative commentator Ann Coulter has hired a team of consultants from Harvard University's Department of Linguistics to help her sift through thousands of dictionaries and thesauruses in order to dig up any words of profanity in the English language she might have missed during her career as a deranged right wing polemicist.

The best-selling author first became aware of her rapidly depleting repertoire of English language based profanity while venting her spleen at the widows of the 9/11 attacks in her new book. Speaking to reporters, Ms Coulter said, "I tried to come up with words to describe these...these..these...bimbos and could only manage 'witches' and 'harpies'. That's when I realized I was in serious....doo doo."

Ms Coulter, in a constant attempt to keep her writing fresh and her hate-mongering free of cliched catch phrases that are typical of most right-wing polemicists, has always strived to come up with newer and more horrifically vulgar phraseology to describe people she doesn't agree with politically. However, the high frequency and verbosity of her outpourings of rage and hate has finally caused Ms. Coulter to reach the limits of English language's abusive potential.

"When I read today that Michael Schiavo was going to be campaigning for a Democratic candidate for the post of Governor of Florida, the blood rushed to my head and I rushed to my computer to write an article", said Ms Coulter. "But I just couldn't come up with anything. The only words I managed to type out were what a bad bad person he was. Michael Schiavo is a very bad evil stupid bad man. God, somebody please help me, I am losing my ability to articulate my hatred in rabidly poisonous format", she sniffed.

Apart from penning a diatribe on Michael Schiavo's evilness, Ms Coulter has a couple of other projects in the works such as her upcoming article berating the community of amoral secular liberal Galapagos island finches who, contrary to the anti-evolutionist claims she makes in her new book, are actually continuing to evolve from large-beaked birds into smaller-beaked birds due to the scarcity of large seeds on the islands.

Keeping in mind the future of her career in mud-slinging and name-calling, Ms Coulter is exploring the potential for incorporating non-English languages into her writing. "My editor tells me that many Indian and Far-Eastern languages are actually treasure troves for profanity-seekers", she explained. "Look forward to a liberal infusion of Hindi and Mandarin-based invective in all my future columns."

Ann Coulter conservative evolution Michael Schiavo

Mumbai

2006-07-11T11:08:00.000-04:00

When will the insanity end?

~~100~~163 dead (and counting).

Go here to leave a message for your folks if you can't get through. All the best.

Hugh Hewitt, please shut the fuck up.

Update : Apparently an unexploded bomb was defused (via Ultrabrown). This would constitute fresh evidence for the police to work on. The first few hours are probably the most critical in pursuing the perpetrators. During this time it is essential for instigators from both sides to lay off the theatrics and let the police do their work.

Update2 : Many right wing bloggers in the US (eg : abovementioned Hewitt) are somehow trying to link these bomb blasts with their own selfish pro-Bush agenda, as bongopondit pointed out in the comments. The rest are engaging in highly clueless analysis of the events. For example Captain Ed of the prominent right wing "Captain's Quarters" blog. Here is his erudite commentary :

It looks like al-Qaeda or an Islamofascist offshoot has decided to add another nation to its blood enemies.

and

What motivated AQ to go after India? It's hardly the first country one associates with the West, and many Muslims live within the majority-Hindu nation.

It's almost as if Captain Ed woke up today, discovered the existence of a country called India through CNN and decided it was time he graced us with his expert opinion on Indian politics. Dear Captain Ed, India has been afflicted by Pakistan and Al Qaida sponsored terrorism long before the US stopped supplying Al Qaida (and Pakistan) with arms and weaponry. Then, the learned Captain opines :

But mostly AQ and other Islamist terrorists have targeted tourists, and India is in the middle of its tourist season.

Uh what? Tourist season in mid-monsoon? Can't get any more clueless than that. Furthermore,

AQ wants to destroy India's economy, fragile enough as it is, by keeping tourists away from the country.

Ah, thank you, Captain Ed, for clarifying the terrorists' intent, namely, to destroy India's economy, which is supposedly wholly reliant on all those wealthy Western tourists. It probably makes Captain Ed feel good inside, thinking that tourists from his part of the world are solely responsible for keeping India's economy continuing to chug along like the old decrepit tractor that it is. And finally,

It looks like India will have a 7/11 to match Madrid's 3/11 and our 9/11.

No more special dates for us, thank you. We've already had too many of those.

Update3 : Major roundups : Desipundit , Ultrabrown, India Uncut, Gaurav Sabnis

Update4 : Forgot to mention it yesterday but kudos to everyone who worked trying to connect anxious family members at Mumbaihelp. Great going, people. Here's another place to go to for help (via Aravind through comments).

The Other India

2006-07-10T10:47:00.000-04:00

The good folks at "How the Other Half Lives" have invited me to blog alongside them and so here I am, doing exactly that.

Here's my first post.

Stupid Joe Biden

2006-07-07T09:14:00.000-04:00

"You CANNOT go into a 7-11 or a Dunkin Donuts without an Indian accent."

Joe Biden (political career 1973 - 2006)

Video here. (via Atrios).

You know, I wouldn't be so offended if it weren't for the fact that we Indians try so goddamn hard to fake an American accent while talking to other Americans, can't we at least get some recognition for our efforts?

Defense Secretary's supporters worried about his defense

2006-07-06T13:26:00.000-04:00

Supporters of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld expressed some trepidation regarding the possibility of his home becoming the target of future terror attacks. The Defense Secretary's weekend retreat in Maryland entered the spotlight after the New York Times revealed its whereabouts in a travel-oriented article featuring the village of St Michael's where it is located. The publishing of this article is now causing concern among his fans in the blogosphere who are skeptical about the Defense Secretary's ability to defend his own home from a terror attack.

"By writing an article based upon publicly available facts about Secretary Rumsfeld's home, the Times has committed treason", said a prominent right-wing blogger. "How is a defense secretary who has failed to prevent a terrorist attack against the country supposed to prevent terrorists from attacking his private residence?"

Conservative critics of the Times article are saying that information contained in the article could be used by terrorists to plot mischief against Secretary Rumsfeld whose credibility in the field of defense has been severely undermined after the failed Iraqi occupation.

"Look, we like and respect the guy because he is a Bush appointee but let's face it, he is not very good at his job", said a Rumsfeld fan. "He is the one who invaded Iraq in order to capture weapons of mass destruction and then sat back and allowed the Iraqis to raid unguarded weapons dumps. The New York Times should, therefore, have taken into consideration his relative incompetence in matters of defense before describing his home for terrorists to target."

Most of the Defense Secretary's supporters were also unswayed by the argument that Rumsfeld himself had given Times reporters permission to photograph his home. "Everything the Defense Secretary says has to be taken with a grain of salt", said a blogger who was worried about the safety of his idol. "He once justified the looting in Iraq by claiming that free people are free to commit crimes. It would be irresponsible on our part to lay on him the onerous task of securing his own safety from terrorists. Who knows, he might even invite them into his house for a tour of his gun collection. He needs to be protected, the poor baby."

Calling on all feminists

2006-07-01T11:02:00.000-04:00

Dear feminists of the female persuasion,

Please listen up. Organized religion and feminism cannot go together. I repeat. Organized religion, namely, the sex-hating, women-subjugating archaic set of rules that were devised when dinosaurs ruled the earth and man was just a twinkle in an ape's DNA strand, can never co-exist with the idea that women deserve to be on an equal footing with men in all walks of life. Go here. It is explained slowly and with much lucidity. If you desire more explanations, go here. Thank you for listening. You may now return to your rolling pins.

A frustrated co-warrior

Pre-emptive scavenging

2006-07-01T01:47:00.000-04:00

Vultures hovering around the space shuttle. Why? 'Cause of this.

Why stop at Bin Laden's driver

2006-07-01T00:28:00.000-04:00

What about his dentist, grocer, nanny, plumber, midwife and personal hygiene consultant? Let's arrest 'em all and haul their asses to The Gitmo. Everyone except the big guy himself, yeah? And by the same token, by God, if I see President George W. Bush's driver on my route to work, the black guy who probably didn't even vote for him, I'm gonna let him have a piece of my mind. How dare he chauffeur around a war criminal?

Oh and let's not forget the bastards who lost all their savings and retirement funds in the Enron debacle. Yeah, the employees. How dare they work for someone who duped them out of everything they had? If you ask me, those fuckers are as much to blame as are Ken Lay and his homeboy Jazzy Jeff. Fry their asses.

Are the conservatives fucking idiots? He's a fucking driver. Not a terrorist. Now repeat this along with me : I will stop pooping my pants whenever Osama Bin Laden is mentioned. There, now didn't that make you feel better?

Hamdan Bush

Why Barack Obama just lost my respect

2006-06-28T16:06:00.000-04:00

"Kneeling beneath that cross on the South Side of Chicago, I felt I heard God's spirit beckoning me. I submitted myself to his will and dedicated myself to discovering his truth."

Sounds like something President George W. Bush might say, doesn't it? Actually these are the words of Democratic Illinois Senator Barack Obama as he admonished his fellow democrats for neglecting to pander to the evangelists and the rest of the God-loving people of America.

"Not every mention of God in public is a breach to the wall of separation. Context matters"

says Sen. Obama. My question to him is, how is the mention of God even relevant to the duties of a public servant? Why the need to mention God at all? And what determines this overpowering necessity to mention God, is it the religiosity of the public or that of the public servant? If, say, the public servant is an atheist, is it still incumbent upon him to keep bringing up God just to score a point with his voter base?

Obama further says, "millions of Christians, Muslims and Jews have traveled similar religious paths, and that is why we cannot abandon the field of religious discourse." Sure, they all followed similar paths, the similarity lying in their intense common desire to wipe each other off the face of the planet. That and an unwholesome belief in an imaginary Supreme Being, one who is benevolent only towards their own particular faith.

"Secularists are wrong when they ask believers to leave their religion at the door before entering the public square", he further adds. But no one is asking you to leave your religion at the door, Sen. Obama. You may be as feverishly religious as you desire. The only expectation we have from our leaders is not to craft sex toys out of their religious fervor and repeatedly shove them up our butts in a manner popularized by our current president and his Congressional sidekicks. Be religious on your own time, not on taxpayer funded time.

Sadly, I believe that in spite of my dismay with Sen. Obama's statements, this is probably the shrewdest stance he could have assumed within the American political theater. It is sure to catapult him to a prime position for running for President in the near future. However, it is also a very selfish and condescending position to assume because not only does he unilaterally elevate himself above the common garden variety democrat as he floats on a cloud of moral righteousness, he also marginalizes the rest of the Democratic party, whose secular members might find it ethically questionable or just plain stupid to play the religious card in order to garner a few votes.

Measuring tape shortages causing hemline violations to rise in Madhya Pradesh

2006-06-26T10:45:00.000-04:00

An acute shortage of measuring tapes in the Indian state of Madhya Pradesh is causing it to descend into a vortex of criminal activity involving rising hemlines.

Madhya Pradesh, a state which is passing a law restricting women from wearing short skirts in educational institutions, is doing away with traditional police accessories such as guns, batons and handcuffs, instead, providing law enforcement officers with measuring tapes that will help them regulate limb visibility. These measuring tapes will be useful in tracking down and prosecuting female students who are guilty of violating the law by wearing skirts that culminate above their knees.

Sushma Arya, a member of the Madhya Pradesh Women's Commission, elaborated on how the measure would help women by forcibly disallowing them from looking good enough to rape. "One would think that the best way to curb crimes against women would be to arrest the perpetrator of the crime, but one would be wrong", said Ms Arya. "We now know that the root of the crime lies not in the man's sexually deprived mind but in the erotic content of the victim's legs."

In order to make way for this new law, previous laws requiring police to arrest eve-teasers and sexual predators have been scrapped, thereby freeing up manpower that would be better utilized elsewhere, for example, installing roadblocks to carry out random hemline measurements. However, police have complained that even after divesting them of their old equipment, the state government has yet to send them the requisite number of measuring tapes they need to prevent these feminine offenders from getting themselves molested.

"We have been receiving a huge number of tip-offs from people who say they've seen a short skirt here and an exposed calf there", said police constable Ramdas. "Even though most turn out to be false leads, we are still not able to follow up on all of them since we are basically guesstimating the skirt-lengths. God only knows how many bare legs we have mistakenly let loose on society and how many innocent men will be lured to a life of unavoidable crime on being seduced by their buttery charms."

Ms. Sushma Arya has responded to the measuring tape shortage by proposing a temporary alternative solution. "Till such a time as we are able to provide law enforcement agencies with the tools they need to prevent hemline violation crimes, the only permissible garments women will be allowed to wear are full-fitting black robes that would cover their bodies from head to toe," said Ms Arya. "This isn't a religious thing, it is merely a precautionary measure to protect society from these long-legged fiends."

Angry fathers refuse to yield spotlight to refugees on World Refugee Day

2006-06-20T10:43:00.000-04:00

Male American parents, fresh from the adulation and appreciation bestowed upon them by a grateful nation on Father's Day, which was celebrated two days ago last sunday, have indicated their reluctance to yield the stage to the refugee community on the occasion of World Refugee Day, which will be observed on tuesday. In a joint statement, irate fathers all over the country complained about their extremely short tenure on the nation's pedestal and proposed that in order to rectify the situation, World Refugee Day be celebrated next week instead of this week.

World Refugee Day, which is intended to force Americans to take some time off from their busy daily schedule and spend an evening watching television anchors discuss the plight of refugees worldwide, has come under fire for prematurely evicting the memory of Father's Day from the nation's collective psyche.

"Even though sunday was the official Father's Day, under normal circumstances, paternal benefits continue to accrue through the rest of the week as long as the father makes sure that he keeps bringing up the topic", said a spokesman for the Union of Disenfranchised Fathers (UDF). "However, this year, due to the wholly unforeseen arrival of World Refugee Day a mere two days after Father's Day, paternal benefits have been cut short, leading to a callous neglect of the nation's sperm-givers. It's an outrage!"

The Global Committee for the Allocation of Special Days has taken the matter under advisement. However, a spokesman for the committee has expressed unhappiness with the UDF's demand. "If World Refugee Day were to be rescheduled, it would wreak havoc on the rest of the year's Special Day schedule", said the spokesman. "World Lactose Intolerance Day would have to be pushed to the week after next, resulting in World Hawaiian Shirt Day having to be cancelled entirely. And that's really my favorite day", he added wistfully.

However, the UDF has adopted a stubborn unyielding position with respect to this issue. An angry father brandishing a shiny new electronic scheduler made his stance clear. "If the refugees refuse to part with their day voluntarily, we will force them to flee and seek refuge in a different section of the calendar".

Monday morning hafta

2006-06-19T09:30:00.000-04:00

Vande Mataram, knock knock jokes, big pharma and much much more. When I say much much more, of course it means that's all I got. But you know what to do.

What the fuck is happening to America?

2006-06-15T08:19:00.000-04:00

This is the best example of how war fucks up a country's morality. How it destroys a sense of what is decent and what is not. How it completely turns upside down and inside out people's abilities to gauge what is right and what is wrong. How it eats the very soul of a previously compassionate nation, turning it into a bloodthirsty vengeful beast that cares naught as it barrels through the innocent bodies that feed its desire for closure.

Recently a US marine wrote a song and made a video which then circulated on the internet. The song describes a graphic scene involving a marine who uses an Iraqi girl as a human shield and watches her explode into bits with a vindictive satisfaction. The marine claims this song and the video were a joke.

Let me post the lyrics to this song, just so you know what I'm talking about here. (via Malkin(s)watch)

Hadji Girl

I was out in the sands of Iraq
And we were under attack
And I, well, I didn't know where to go.
And the first think I could see was
Everybody's favorite Burger King
So I threw open the door and I hit the floor.
Then suddenly to my surprise
I looked up and I saw her eyes
And I knew it was love at first sight.
And she said
Durka Durka Mohammed Jihad
Sherpa Sherpa Bak Allah
Hadji girl I can't understand what you're saying.
And she said
Durka Durka Mohammed Jihad
Sherpa Sherpa Bak Allah
Hadji girl I love you anyway.

Then she said that she wanted me to see.
She wanted me to meet her family
But I, well, I couldn't figure out how to say no.
Cause I don't speak Arabic.
So, she took me down an old dirt trail.
And she pulled up to a side shanty
And she threw open the door and I hit the floor.
Cause her brother and her father shouted

Durka Durka Mohammed Jihad
Sherpa Sherpa Bak Allah
They pulled out their AKs so I could see
And they said
Durka Durka Mohammed Jihad
Sherpa Sherpa Bak Allah
So I grabbed her little sister and pulled her in front of me.
As the bullets began to fly
The blood sprayed from between her eyes
And then I laughed maniacally
Then I hid behind the TV
And I locked and loaded my M-16
And I blew those little fuckers to eternity.
And I said

Durka Durka Mohammed Jihad
Sherpa Sherpa Bak Allah
They should have known they were fucking with a Marine

Not only is this song obscene beyond belief, it is also racist and is repugnant in its glorification of violence. No doubt, it was written as a joke under the stress of war, as the marine claims he did, and I will not judge a soldier for the manner in which he chooses to release his stress as long as it's in a non-violent way. But for the rest of us who are sitting in our air conditioned offices typing out words, who have no reason to be as cynical and bloodthirsty as the man who wrote it, to find humor in the song is just bizarre. A battle-weary marine to use this medium as a release for his frustrations can be understood on some level. For ordinary people who are not engaged on the frontline to revel in the slaughter of an innocent Iraqi child and find it comical is inhumane.

The rot has set in. God help the American soul.

The Official God FAQ

2006-06-12T16:30:00.000-04:00

All you ever wanted to know about Him.

(via Gods4Suckers)

Monday morning hafta

2006-06-12T08:38:00.000-04:00

Go here. It is up.

Friday Morning Glenn Reynolds hilarity

2006-06-09T08:43:00.000-04:00

In this post, Glenn Reynolds points to a post by Ann Althouse about a Gallup poll that shows that what Muslim women find most objectionable about the West is "the general perception of moral decay, promiscuity and pornography that pollsters called the "Hollywood image" that is regarded as degrading to women". Glenn Reynolds, agrees, saying, "I blame Hollywood", but then, mysteriously, goes off on a pro-war tangent, adding that "No doubt antiwar Hollywood producers and talent will begin self-censorship at once to remedy this problem."

First of all, what the fuck? What does the "anti-war" attitude of Hollywood producers have anything to do with the perception of moral decay and pornography of the Muslim world about the West? Jesus, Glenn, I guess you pushed one crayon too many through your nose. 'Cause, you know that the Jehadists are not really waging a war against the West in order to strip away Sharon Stone's God-given right to uncross her legs without wearing underwear, right? You know that, right? 'Cause we could always ask her to stop doing that, and being the patriot that she is, she would do it too, in the interests of the country.

Oh but wait, this isn't the best part. From the post mentioned above, one would assume Glenn Reynolds would be against the moral decay and pornography rampant in Hollywood, yes?

Well, not quite. Just a few posts earlier, he points to this news story which mentions that Playboy magazine's Indonesian editors recently defied militant Islamists by publishing the second issue of the magazine.

Playboy's publishers said they were producing the magazine to defend democracy and freedom of expression against fear and intolerance.

An editorial called for "the absence of a monopoly set of values and views in our beloved country".

Our boy Glenn applauds those fearless editors. "And rightly so", he exclaims with democratic glee. Now as anyone who's ever been in second grade, did I say second grade, I meant tenth grade, knows, Playboy magazine is pretty much a bastion of Western "moral decay, promiscuity and pornography". But I guess all that good stuff is okay as long as it wasn't manufactured by anti-war Hollywood producers, eh?

So I guess hypocrisy is spelt with a Reynolds. Hypocreynoldsrisy. Nah, that doesn't sound right. Anyways, you know what I mean.

Gay marriage amendment blocked : Homosexuality expected to rampage through US Congress

2006-06-05T15:30:00.000-04:00

President Bush has warned Americans to get ready for an outbreak of homosexuality to run unfettered through the halls of Congress this fall just before midterm Congressional elections. In a lunch-hour televised address to the nation intended to capture the attention of restaurant-going Americans who would otherwise have changed the channel if they had been sitting at home, President Bush explained that today's blockage of the anti-gay marriage amendment, which is intended to ban and criminalize same sex marriages in the US, would most likely result in hundreds of Congressmen turning gay before the elections in november.

Election years have traditionally seen an increase in homosexual activity among members of the US Congress. Political experts say that this might be due to inordinately long hours of campaigning carried out away from home and family, along with extended periods of time spent in the company of sweaty, sexy campaign advisors. "Put a sexually repressed Republican senator in a brainstorming session with his all-male staff and lock the door", says Lee Waters, a political consultant, "Nine times out of ten, when the room is reopened, it will be a frothing mass of naked arms, legs and 'Support The Troops' boxer shorts".

Hence, every election year, in spite of critics' claims of this being a transparent ploy to rally his Christian Right voter base, President Bush has made it a point to bring up the anti-gay marriage amendment for consideration in the US Congress in order to protect the US Congress from itself. The last time the issue came up was during the presidential election in 2004 when President Bush, deeply disturbed by his growing attraction towards campaign advisor Karl Rove's combover, frantically tried to bring the amendment to a vote in the House of Representatives.

Many members of Congress such as Republican Senator Jim Inhofe of Oklahoma were disappointed by the results of the Senate vote. Sen. Inhofe, who has proclaimed that he's proud to say that in the recorded history of his family, they've never had any kind of homosexual relationship, now says that the failure of the government to protect him from his inner gay cowboy makes it extremely unlikely that he will continue to be a fan of the naked female form by the time America goes out to vote come november.

White House press secretary Tony Snow, who has an adequate understanding of the dangers involved in working closely with handsome young Republicans from his years with the Fox News Network, said that by blocking the anti-gay marriage amendment, the Senate had failed to uphold the civil rights of heterosexual Congressmen. "Without the threat of getting their asses hauled to jail, the nation's lawmakers would have no incentive not to indulge in some hot Congressman-on-Congressman action culminating in homosexual wedlock", said Mr Snow, "thus jeopardizing their civil right not to be gay".

With the anti-gay marriage amendment not expected to be rammed down American throats anytime soon and all other major issues affecting America and the world already resolved, Congress is now expected to turn its attention to another hotly debated matter of extreme urgency, namely, whether there is a need for a constitutional amendment requiring a minimal dress code for America's Barbie dolls.

Hafta Magazine

2006-06-05T08:25:00.000-04:00

Sidin from Domain Maximus has founded a new online magazine called "Hafta" and has kindly asked me to contribute a weekly satirical column. The first issue just went online today. Go, check it out. And here's my column for this week.

Oh, those insane right-wingers

2006-06-01T09:39:00.000-04:00

You've just gotta see this. You remember when those US marines massacred those Iraqi civilians in Haditha and we were all like "hey man, that ain't right, it's not cricket" and the conservatives were all like "oh shut the fuck up, no one's killed anyone, you're just dreaming", and then, it was found out that there actually had been a massacre? You remember that?

Well, Glenn Reynolds, or as he's known in the community of premature ejaculators, "Instapundit", does remember, and he's fiercely unapologetic about it. In fact, he goes on the offensive. Now that it has been conclusively determined that US marines DID actually slaughter Iraqi civilians in cold blood and the media DID cover it as they should have, instead of shoving it in a box and burying it in the backyard, Mr Reynolds approvingly cites an email from one of his dumber-that-a-box-of-hammers readers who says, and I am summarizing his argument, that the "Anti-American Left", you know, the one that likes to provide comfort, support, food and blowjobs to the enemy by criticizing the war crimes perpetrated by US troops on Iraqi civilians, should stop engaging in such foolish acts.

Why? 'Cause if we keep reminding the good saintly members of the pro-war brigade about all those dead civilians and all those blood n brain-covered mistakes of this war, those poor darling war-pigs and their already over-taxed conscience might just throw in the towel and say, "Oh for the love of God, if I'm being denounced just because I killed a few civilians to let off some steam, I should probably just go ahead and indulge in a no-holds-barred civilian-killing orgy from now on 'cause that's what those anti-war judgmental assholes would be expecting from us". Now that is just beautifully put.

This is what Reynolds cites:

The real danger is that we who support the war will reach the point that we say "we might as well be taken as wolves then as sheep". At that point the left can celebrate that they have made our military and those who support it the people they claim we are. Once that happens however any compunction about respecting them will be gone, and remember one side is armed and one is not. That is a fate that I don't wish on any of us.

Then, Reynolds, who isn't famous for reading his own posts, agrees with this bizarre prophecy. He adds his five cents worth of quality analysis by saying, "Neither do I". Oh, how compassionate, Mr Law Professor. You wish you don't turn into a deranged murderer. An extremely praiseworthy and noble goal.

So, to summarize, this is what Reynolds is saying. "We, the pro-war people, contrary to everybody's opinions about us, are not bloodthirsty fiends without a shred of conscience and human decency. However, in case if it ever came to light that we had, indeed, committed acts that were unconscionable and bereft of any human decency, it would be irresponsible on everybody's part to point out those acts and criticize them since the very act of criticism would only disincentivize us from being conscientious and decent and once that happens, hey, don't blame us if we start firing our guns into the crowd 'cause it is your criticism of our indecency that would have made us do that."

I just love it when a law professor justifies his future (probable) acts of criminality by blaming it on society's denouncement of crime. It's got to be the cocaine, man, there's just no other explanation.

Microsoft assures virus-building community that new OS will be released soon

2006-05-25T14:05:00.000-04:00

In a major attempt to boost its sagging public image among members of the hacker and virus-building communities, Microsoft has issued a public statement saying that the late delivery of its new operating system Windows Vista will be completed on time.

Computer hackers and writers of malicious code damaging to computers running on the Windows operating system account for over 25% of Microsoft's revenues from the sale of its operating systems. However, the hacker and virus-builder communities, most members of which depend on Microsoft for the satisfaction of their anarcho-destructive fantasies, have lately been unhappy with the company's inordinate delay in releasing the latest flavor of Windows, called Vista.

"There's only so many ways in which Windows XP can be taken apart and put back in one piece, and I've gone through them all", said a prominent virus creator, known in the cyber underworld as King Byte. "We have been eagerly awaiting the new operating system which, as Mr Gates has promised us, will contain a number of feature-rich security holes for us to identify and have fun exploiting. The only question is, when will the damn thing be here?"

Many hackers, after waiting for more than a year in frustrated anticipation, have decided to switch to Unix instead. "Even though Unix offers more challenges even for the experienced cyber-terrorist, it is a relatively unexplored terrain, and hence, is sure to have far greater entertainment and educational value. Also, we believe that Microsoft will not take our demand for releasing Windows Vista seriously unless we demonstrate our willingness to switch brand loyalty.

On being asked for a comment, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates quickly penned an email in Outlook 2007 and sent it to reporters, only to be informed that it was infected with the virus BillSuck and could only be cleaned by formatting his hard drive.

The blogospheric whispering game

2006-05-19T09:55:00.000-04:00

When I was a little kid, there was this game we used to play called, what could be loosely translated into English as "ear-stories". The premise of the game was as follows : A bunch of kids sat around in a circle. The game would begin with a randomly chosen kid whispering a sentence into the ears of the kid to his left. This kid would, in turn, whisper whatever it was that he had thought he had heard from the previous kid and regurgitate it into the ears of the kid to his left. And so on and so forth, till the game returned back to the kid who had been the original source of the sentence. The huge entertainment value of the game lay in the hilarious metamorphosis the sentence would undergo as it was filtered through several juvenile ears. Usually, the end product was nowhere close to the original sentence that had initiated this daisy-chain of whispers.

The reason I bring this up is because today, with the countless number of blogs, self-appointed commentators and news dispersers, the media has turned into a huge game of "ear-stories" that metamorphoses the facts of the original story into something totally different. Take, for example, this piece of news which details Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's plans to incorporate guided propulsion, remote controlled weaponry and unmanned vehicles into army operations using robotic technology. This news was linked to by this blog, where the blogger actually stayed pretty close to the original story but titled his blogpost "Indian PM promises Robot Army" and at the end, attached his own addendum, saying

High tech weapons development to start a 'virtuous circle which benefits all'? Hmmmm. Could there be some unintended consequences of this plan?

This blogpost, was then, in turn, picked up by this blog, where the author not only named his post "India announces plan to develop robot army", but also added his own 5 cents worth of fictional commentary, saying :

In an announcement that you can probably expect to be repeated by rival Pakistan in the next few days, Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has claimed that his South Asian nation will be the latest country to pursue technologies for developing a robotic army.

In addition, this enterprising blogger attached a picture of robots obtained from who knows where, and which are nowhere to be found on the original article.

And finally, this delicious black forest cake of misinformation was topped off with icing today morning on the radio channel WMMR Philadelphia, whose morning show anchors, Preston Elliott and Steve Morrison read this news on-air in their Bizarre Files segment as fact, along with a liberal dose of the customary ridicule that usually accompanies anything that makes it to that segment.

Reading this article, the image one conjures up in one's mind is that of an army of bronze clunky robots battling it out in the icy mountain ranges of the northwest, probably issuing orders to one another in a metallic funny Indian accent, the same one that has achieved quite a bit of popularity in the US comedy circuit. Plus, what could be more ridiculous than a third world country with limited resources opting to spend them on a science fiction project involving fighting robots?

But read the original article closely, and you'll realize not only does it not contain any reference to a robot army, but as a commenter pointed out, the Prime Minister enumerated various proposals for the modernization of the Indian army, a number of which have already been implemented by the American military. And no, I don't think I have seen any robots on television, engaging in hand-to-hand combat in the bloody streets of Iraq, so I'm guessing we won't see any robots fighting in the Himalayas either.

PS : As an aside, notice how the comments in the last blogpost steadily and puzzlingly deteriorate into a debate on reservations. It's actually quite amusing.

From one religious fanatic to another

2006-05-17T14:46:00.000-04:00

Dear Muslim Fundamentalist Brother,

Salam Waleikum. Let me get straight to the point. I am disappointed in you, my brother. Truly, truly disappointed. Here I was, sitting at my desk, gazing at the "Divine Eye of God" that brings me news from all over the world, or as these Americans call it for whatever reason, a "computer screen" , I realized that while I've been distracted by things urgently requiring my attention such as protesting the release of Deepa Mehta's "Water" here in the US, you've been forming some unholy alliances on your own. You've been getting together with those Jesus people and forcing the Indian government to ban "The Da Vinci Code" in theaters. I was appalled when I read this piece of news. Do you not realize the folly of your actions? Let me explain.

As you well know, you and I, we have both had our differences. Throughout the ages, we've been inflicting violence and bloodshed on each other because frankly, look, both our communities blame each other for all their problems. Plus, I know for a fact that your despotic set of beliefs do not coincide with those sanctioned by God, and I also know that you've had the same thoughts about mine. And we've both agreed that the best way to resolve this dispute is to eliminate each other from the face of the planet. No believers = no beliefs. Am I right?

So it would have seemed to a casual bystander that fate had decreed us to lead a lifestyle replete with murder, pillage and hounding by each other's communities. But then, when we least expected it, a ray of sunshine broke out through all that gloom. A few months ago, we signed a historic pact. We decided to make peace with each other and that the Hindu crazies and the Muslim loonies would finally unite in a coalition of sorts. And together, we would make life miserable for the rest of India instead. That is why, when we approached you and demanded that you surrender M.F Husain's arms into our custody, you were ready to help us with your machettes and bone-saws. And in return, when you issued a fatwa on the heads of the Danish cartoonists, not only did we show you the exact vertebra in the neck that needed to be severed in order to seperate the infidel skull from the torso, we also supplied you with the polythene bags required to dispose of those skulls in an environmentally-friendly fashion. And when we were not delimbing painters or beheading cartoonists, we were making sure that India was well on its way to becoming a model nation of religious puritans in the mold of our Middle-Eastern brothers. Our joint control over the more moderate populace of the country was turning out to be a huge success.

But then, you had to go and include the Christians in our coalition. You never even asked us, never sought our advice on this issue. I don't know if you've noticed, but Christians make up a mere 2% of the population of our country. While you and I, we constitute about 94%. Now my question to you is this : By allowing the Christians access to the levers that control those in power, the strings that make the puppets in Parliament dance to our tune, are we not setting a dangerous precedent for other parties to follow?

What if tomorrow fundamentalist Buddhists were to protest the violence and gore that is such an integral part of our movies? Would we be adding them to our fold and campaigning on their behalf? Or horror of horrors, what if the goddamn atheist community were to show up on our doorstep and demand that every reference to God be deleted from the silver screen because it offended their Godless sensibilities? Have you even considered that? I didn't think so.

You might say I'm being a pessimist, that I should be savoring our joint victory over the government, that it's a matter of the glass being half full and not half empty. Personally, I couldn't care less if the glass were to be half full or half empty as long as it contained water that would otherwise have slaked an atheist's thirst. But my point is that this might not even be a success, but a defeat for you and me, the rightful owners of this great nation. For by allowing the Christians to bend our government to their will, you have just opened a door that will allow just about every community in India to harness the immense power of religious blackmail, the power that should rightfully only be wielded by you and me. And that is a tragedy of epic proportions.

Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done now to rectify the situation.

In any case, I hope this letter finds you in the fairest of health and the blindest of faith. Khuda Hafiz my dear friend,

Sincerely,

Your Hindu Fundamentalist Brother.

Inane Instapundit post of the day

2006-05-16T13:13:00.000-04:00

Glenn Reynolds keeps pointing to various links that prove gasoline is still cheaper today than it was during its peak price in the 80s. And I can't help wondering why the fuck he keeps doing that. Why should I care about how much gasoline cost in the 80s? I wasn't driving a car in the 80s. I don't fucking care about the 80s. The 80s are dead to me, man. All I care about is that gasoline, and hence, every other fucking thing costs more today than what it cost yesterday and the week before that and the month before that, whereas I'm still making the same money today as I was making yesterday and the week before that and the month before that. Is that so fucking difficult for Reynolds and his band of wise men to understand?

Saying gasoline is cheap today 'cause it cost more in the 80s is like saying life today is so fucking great because no matter what happens, you should always remember that there was a time when we were living in caves and didn't even have refrigerators to store our Coors Light bottles in.

Phone companies to offer free weekend private minutes

2006-05-15T16:09:00.000-04:00

Phone companies are taking note of the public outrage over latest revelations regarding the NSA's domestic phone call monitoring program and trying to diffuse the situation by upgrading service plans to include a limited number of private minutes that can be used by customers during the weekend.

The NSA, which is secretly collecting phone numbers of millions of Americans along with details of calls made from those numbers, has been accused by critics of having violated numerous privacy laws during the process. However, along with the NSA, phone companies appear to be culpable as well for having quietly acquiesced to the NSA's demand for sharing call records that were hitherto pronounced confidential under their policy of disclosure.

However, many phone companies are now trying to limit the PR damage caused by these revelations by upgrading customer calling plans to include 120 free private minutes on weekends. These minutes will go into effect at 5:00 a.m saturday and will end at 7:00 am the very same day, giving customers ample time to carry out top-secret telephonic transactions such as spousal-cheating and crank-calling. Records of calls made during this period will not be submitted to the NSA, instead, being maintained in secret lockup till the furor over the scandal subsides and the NSA is free to surreptitiously violate Americans' civil liberties again.

This calling plan upgrade is available to all US citizens who first have to apply for and pass a background check which will determine if the applicant fulfills all the criteria necessary to be deemed a non-terrorist. In addition, the applicant will also have to provide a list of phone numbers he is planning on calling, and the owners of these numbers will then be checked for any possible ties to the Democratic Party before he is allotted the free private minutes.

On being asked why customer phone call records are being freely supplied to the NSA in spite of the fine print on existing confidentiality agreements stating that customer information will only be given to the government under the duress of court orders or subpoenas, a company spokesperson said, "Well, you need to read the finer print just below the fine print, which states that we can pretty much do whatever we want with that information, including printing it out on flyers and handing it out in Times Square or simply airdropping it throughout the countryside in pamphlet form."

In other news, President Bush, seen here prematurely declaring victory over the pyramid of Kukulkan along with the president of Mexico and the prime minister of Canada, has come up with a brilliant plan to solve the nation's illegal immigration problem. This plan involves sending thousands of National Guard troops to California, Arizona and New Mexico where they will pick fruit and perform any other menial jobs usually assigned to illegal immigrants. In addition, any illegal immigrants caught trying to sneak across the border will be skinned and their hides sent to Iraq to be worn as body armor by coalition troops.

A Day without Legal Immigrants in the works

2006-05-11T14:33:00.000-04:00

Legal immigrants in America, impressed with the unqualified success of the just concluded "Day without Illegal immigrants" protest, have come together in a bid to focus public attention on their plight by organizing a corresponding "Day without Legal Immigrants". Legal immigrants in the US currently on a work visa face a long and arduous journey as they inch towards the goal of permanent residency and citizenship of this country one bureaucratic red tape at a time.

Negotiations are currently underway among the various legal immigrant factions in the country to agree upon a suitable date for this extraordinary event. However, due to the immense professional diversity of this group, it has been difficult to decide on a date that would be convenient for everyone.

"January and February just aren't good for me", said Mandar Joglekar, an engineer from Detroit. "Busiest month of the year for the manufacturing industry and we have huge orders to fill. But any other date will do", he added.

On the other hand, legal immigrants from the medical profession have reportedly declined to ratify any date in June or July since hospitals are quite busy due to an increase in Americans' propensity of driving into each other during the summer months. And finally, the Association of Legal Software Engineers or ASSLES(S) has confirmed that Autumn won't be a good time for them to walk out on their jobs. "We usually have our major software releases scheduled right before Christmas", said Chen Hwa, a project manager from New Jersey. "If I don't come to work, testing will be affected and there will be numerous bugs in the release", he said.

Finally, after an all-night brainstorming session conducted through instant messaging and teleconferencing, it was decided that December 25th would be the only date everyone could agree upon. "I've already run out of vacation days for the year so Christmas day is the only time I can get out of the office", said Rupali Malhotra, a junior software engineer.

"Great job, gang", said a tired Gautam Reddy, leader of the "Day Without Legal Immigrants " project team, as he emerged from the conference room at the break of dawn. "25th December it is. Now go ahead and cancel your trip to India 'cause we have some protesting to do", he added, tearing up his own JFK-London-Mumbai plane ticket as a symbolic gesture, but not before making copies of it just in case the date of the protest were to be changed.

"A Day Without Legal Immigrants" is expected to draw huge crowds of Indians, Chinese and the occasional Canadian in the software parks and industrial complexes of the country. Coverage of the event is expected to be sporadic, confined to cellphone video-messaged clips that will be posted on blogs not read by a single American. However, protesters hope that their message which won't be raucous and spectacular enough to be heard by the government or the mainstream media, will seep through to the government and the mainstream media, the message being, if their request for expedited permanent residency application processes were to be denied, every technology-based company in the US would face a mass exodus of employees every year on Christmas day.

President Bush to entrust brother with safekeeping of country till twins grow up

2006-05-10T15:58:00.000-04:00

With both his teenaged daughters declining to assume control of America after their father finishes his second term, President Bush has announced that the stewardship of the country will instead be handed over to his brother Jeb Bush (via RawStory).

The twins Barbara and Jenna, in spite of being next in line to the throne after their father relinquishes his white-knuckled grip over the country's testicles, have opted to stay in college till they gain a working knowledge about the duties and perks of the American presidency. "It's like I really want to be a war chick n stuff, but a girl only gets one coke snorting binge drinking childhood, you know what I mean", said Jenna Bush, also known among presidential historians as "The Hot One".

The president has agreed to his daughters' request, asking Congress to deliver the reigns of power to his brother Jeb after November 2008, when he is done with "all that prezdental crap". Although Jeb Bush, who is currently the governor of Florida, will have full control of the country's illegal wiretaps and torture chambers for the next few years, the president has clarified that he will only be a temporary keeper of America's keys while the twins grow up and are schooled in the traditions and customs of a Bush presidency.

The Bush twins are the youngest scions of the glorious dynasty of American presidents that was established by the current president's father, George H. W. Bush. Once the twins are ready to ascend to the Crawford throne, they will undergo a ritualistic crowning ceremony at the ranch where a tiara made out of the bones of Iraqi children will be placed upon both their heads while Harry Reid, the Democratic Senate minority leader, in a symbolic display of sacrifice, will be stripped naked and gutted, his blood being allowed to flow into a chalice of gold, out of which the twins will then take delicate sips to solemnize their absolute authority over the country and its bodily fluids.

On being asked for a comment, the future tyrants Barbara and Jenna Bush said, "Oh we just can't wait to become president. Uncle Karl is already teaching us how to hire incompetents and leak matters vital to national security."

In order to avoid sibling rivalry and spats, power will be vested equally in each twin and any administrative conflicts that might arise will be resolved through a game of rock, paper, scissors. However, serious disagreements will have to be sorted out through the more brutal medium of pillow fighting.

"I'll do my job and save all the best wars for when they enter the White House", said Jeb Bush, on being asked how he planned to carry out his mission of temporary guardianship of the country while his nieces grow up. "It will be great to stay in the White House for a while and enjoy the peace and quiet. They really have nice soundproof walls over there which do a great job of masking out the wails of the screaming disaffected masses outside".

Crappy Instapundit link of the day

2006-05-05T11:05:00.000-04:00

Instapundit points to this inane post by Gateway Pundit where he appears to ask the question, "If a lunatic walked up to you and claimed that the earth is round, would you believe him? Or would you consider his lunacy to be a factor in your decision and refuse to believe him?"

The Gateway Pundit apparently would refuse to believe that the earth is round. This is what happened. Ray McGovern, a retired CIA analyst, recently heckled Donald Rumsfeld, asking him why he had lied that he knew where the WMDs were being stored in Iraq (via C&L).

Rumsfeld: ...it appears that there were not weapons of mass destruction there.

McGovern: You said you knew where they were.

Rumsfeld: I did not. I said I knew where suspect sites were and...

McGovern: You said you knew where they were. Tikrit, Baghdad, northeast, south, west of there. Those are your words.

Rumsfeld: My words-my words were that-no-no, wait a minute--wait a minute. Let him stay one second. Just a second....

As C&L points out, this is what Rumsfeld had actually said before.

MR. STEPHANOPOULOS: Finally, weapons of mass destruction. Key goal of the military campaign is finding those weapons of mass destruction. None have been found yet. There was a raid on the Answar Al-Islam Camp up in the north last night. A lot of people expected to find ricin there. None was found. How big of a problem is that? And is it curious to you that given how much control U.S. and coalition forces now have in the country, they haven't found any weapons of mass destruction?

SEC. RUMSFELD: Not at all. If you think -- let me take that, both pieces -- the area in the south and the west and the north that coalition forces control is substantial. It happens not to be the area where weapons of mass destruction were dispersed. We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat.

Gateway Pundit, in spite of that fact being common knowledge, flies off on a tangent, calling McGovern a nut, pointing to his anti-Bush opinions and activities, as if doing that somehow erases Rumsfeld's blatant mendacity from the chart. And isn't that the problem with America today? If someone points out or says something that shows the administration in a bad light, just set your dogs on him. And that's what Gateway Pundit does in this bizarre post, linked to approvingly by Big Daddy Glenn Reynolds.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Update : Glenn Greenwald adds that the links provided by Gateway Pundit do not, in any way, attest to McGovern's alleged "nutcasery".

Bless the Lord

2006-05-04T15:45:00.000-04:00

Prayer might not be able to save heart patients, but it can cause oil prices to drop.

Today the president led the nation in prayer on the occasion of, yes, you guessed it, the National Day of Prayer, 'cause what could be a better way for the president to underline the importance of the entire country placing blind faith in him and his policies than to set an example himself by publicly placing blind faith in God. But hail to the Almighty, the prayers appeared to work mighty fine, 'cause God, He caused gas prices to drop by 10 cents a gallon (RawStory).

And now, looking back, we now realize that it was all part of a complex Divine plan when God apparently went against all reason and logic by wreaking havoc on the heart valves of 59% of heart patients who were the target of a prayer team's efforts. By causing those people to remain bedridden and without any access to automobiles, God was actually reducing the overall gas consumption of the nation, which consequently caused gas prices to fall.

It's simple, really. God works according to the following rule of thumb : When in doubt, go with the oil.

Stephen Colbert bitchslaps the high priest of inadvertant comedy

2006-05-01T10:30:00.000-04:00

Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report performed at the White House correspondent's dinner. He absolutely manhandled the president, his policies, the press and everything in between. Compare his brilliant act to that of the president who tried to do a comedic bit (a deliberate one, as opposed to one of his inadvertant free-falls). Bush stood at the podium with an impersonator (Steve Bridges) by his side, the impersonator apparently saying aloud things the president was supposed to be thinking at the moment. The prerequisite assumption here being, of course, that there actually is thinking going on inside that head. Anyways, a few examples of his "punchlines" :

President Bush : I'm absolutely delighted to be here, as is Laura.
Impersonator : She's hot.

ha ha.

President Bush : Ladies and gentlemen, I feel chipper tonight. I survived the White House shake-up.

That was so funny it made me cry because it was true.

Impersonator : How come I can't have dinner with the 36 percent of the people who like me?

Answer : Because there's no room in trailer parks to accomodate Presidential security details.

You get the picture. Michelle Malkin, of course, thought it was bloody hilarious. But then, everything the president says or does gets her moist.

And then, Colbert began his routine roasting the president. And all signs pointed to the fact that Bush wasn't pleased about it. At least he stopped smiling. Which is great, because it shows that he understood the jokes. Read the entire thing, although I will post the greatest bits for the chronically lazy among you.

"By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail."

As an aside, the WaPo screws up its analysis of this one. Teresa Wiltz says,"We're not sure if Valerie Plame laughed, though. Or Karl Rove." What the fuck do Plame or Rove have to do with this? This was a dig at the NSA's illegal spying on American citizens. Obviously Teresa Wiltz was out of the loop.

"I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit."

"I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq."

"And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior."

"Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias."

"I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world."

"The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday."

"This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!"

" Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire!"

"Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center."

Headlines

2006-04-27T11:30:00.000-04:00

Relief from the agony over high gas prices finally arrived with completion of a high-capacity pipeline between the White House and the Fox News Channel. This pipeline is expected to aid the President in coping with public outrage against rising gas prices in the country by removing all obstructions in the smooth flow of propaganda from production facilities in the White House to consumers all over the country, in the process, bypassing the middleman.

Recognizing the hardship average Americans have had to suffer for the past few weeks due to $3.00 gallon gas prices, senators are lobbying for a bill which proposes that $100 checks be handed over to oil companies on behalf of every taxpayer in the country.

Over in the Middle-East, the Pentagon is planning to cut American troop strength in Iraq by 30,000 within the next few months. These troops will take the shortest route home through neighbouring Iran in order to take in the sights, sounds and machine-gun fire of the country.

Weapons of Mass Destruction were finally spotted in Iraq flying overhead as they made their way from North Korea to Iran (via fark).

Pepsi's new condom-flavored soda bombed in the Indian soft-drink market. The soda-guzzling public expressed unhappiness with the company's perceived intrusion into the government's population control initiative (via RawStory).

And finally, The Heavenly Times reports that our God, the God of Gods and Lord of Lords has informed his tour manager Pope Benedict XVI that He has changed his mind about the use of condoms by his favored species, the humans. In a press conference, God said that after realizing that creating the AIDS virus had been a dumb idea right from the start, He would now be relaxing his rules against contraception in order to allow couples from infecting each other with the disease. God also promised that going forward, He would try not to create any new lifeforms while under the influence of Jack n' coke.

Airbus to return to its roots as a transporter of the masses

2006-04-25T11:31:00.000-04:00

Airbus Industrie, after a long and glorious career of transporting passengers in relative luxury and comfort through the air, is planning on returning back to its roots as a purveyor of the masses (via RawStory).

The company, which was founded in 1970 by Pierre Francois, a Paris bus driver who, after having had enough of the city's notorious traffic congestion caused by jaywalking American tourists, decided to invent an alternative mode of transport for his clientelle. The first airbus was literally a bus with plastic wings attached to its windows that enabled it to fly through traffic signals and jams. Soon the fledgeling company grew into a multinational conglomerate, ceasing production of its older winged buses, instead, applying modern aerospace technology to develop sleek new planes capable of seating passengers in comfortably upholstered chairs instead of requiring them to stand near the driver-pilot chatting about the weather.

Now, with most of the world mired in economic turmoil and recession, Airbus is planning on making air travel again accessible to the masses. With passengers being required to stand in the aisle throughout the duration of the flight, enjoying the sweaty aroma emanating from each other's armpits, this new business model is sure to attract a lot of attention from commuters in cities like New York and Chicago who are already acclimatized to these conditions on their subway systems and actually kind of miss those strange hands groping their privates on a normal plane flight.

Airbus CEO Gustav Humbert says he has many more innovative ideas to propel the company forward especially in high-growth markets such as Asia and Africa. Apart from saving space by making people stand on the plane, the new Airbus business model also involves plans to have a two-tier pricing system where coach-class passengers will be bent into the shape of a chair so as to allow business-class passengers to recline on them. Future proposals to reduce operating costs also include the design of hybrid planes where coach-class passengers will be required to collectively blow into mouthpieces attached to dual human-powered jet engines while they are being urged on by business class passengers sporting whips and paintball guns.