Ted Nugent in brief

A brief synopsis of Ted Nugent's pro-gun column today on CNN:

(As translated by the Editor)

I will enumerate a number of instances where people with guns killed people without guns. Then, I will prove to you why the people without guns should have had guns. You remember the movie where everybody pointed a gun at everybody else and no one pulled the trigger? That's what will happen. As long as no one sneezes or blinks or makes any sudden movements, we should be alright.

If a large number of us didn't have guns, the Lord only knows how many more of us would have fallen to gun violence.

At an eighth-grade school dance in Pennsylvania, a boy fatally shot a teacher and wounded two students before the owner of the dance hall brought the killing to a halt with his own gun. Just imagine, if the boy's mother had owned a gun as well his father, then the boy would have been confused as to which gun to take to school, thus averting a tragedy.

We do not ban water, steak knives and ammonium nitrate even though they kill people. Similarly, we shouldn't ban guns because like everything else, they can be misused, their actual use being as a sofa cushion. And while we are on the topic, I would also like to purchase some plutonium please, thank you.

Guns should not be banned because banning guns would make evil people happy and if I see a single evil person happy, it makes me want to blow my brains out. With a gun. Which I should be allowed to purchase freely.

My right to own a gun is God-given. God gave me that right. I know that because he occasionally asks me to use it on people. But I blow him off by telling him I have a dinner engagement. Oh God, he's a naive SOB.

The only people who hate guns *cough* liberals *cough* are those who believe dialing 911 will save your life (it doesn't, it only calls up the phone in your basement). These people would like to see good people dead because it makes them feel good about themselves and these people are fanatics about feeling good.

And finally, the following is added verbatim from the column without editorial comment in the hope that its inherent irony is self-evident.

"Already spineless gun control advocates are squawking like chickens with their tiny-brained heads chopped off, making political hay over this most recent, devastating Virginia Tech massacre, when in fact it is their own forced gun-free zone policy that enabled the unchallenged methodical murder of 32 people."

Bravo, CNN, you have risen to the occasion and given off your best.

A Clarification (deleted)

Looking back, I agree with Patrix and Bombay Addict that putting up a post to clarify the previous one was kind of a stupid idea on my part. I mean, if I write something and then have to explain what I just wrote, obviously I must not be a very good writer. Since I don't want to think of myself as a bad writer (I quite possibly am, but I don't want to hear that from me), I'll just delete this clarification.

But regardless, you should read this by Falstaff to understand the selective nature of human grief. It's that good.

Perspectives

There is a massacre at an American university. Many people are killed. These are the routes subsequently followed by various trains of thought after their departure from their respective stations of nationality and ideology.

The American Conservative Train:

Hmm. could it be a terrorist attack? I wonder if the shooter was Muslim. Did the shooter selectively kill only Americans?

They say he was Asian. Well, he could still be Islamic.

So now the shooter was Korean. Do they have Muslims in Korea?

Okay, so the shooter wasn't a Muslim. But I am sure this episode showed the Islamic terrorists how easy it is to kill Americans.

They say the killer was an immigrant student on an F-1 visa. Just like those terrorists on 9/11. Why are we letting these students into our country again?

It's now clear that he was not on an F-1 visa and actually grew up in the US. It still doesn't invalidate the original point that we shouldn't be letting these foreigners into our country.

Hey, how about the Ismail Ax thing on his arm? Maybe we should continue to explore the Muslim angle.

You know, the fundamental problem with this country is that more people do not own guns. If everyone were allowed to shoot everyone else, maybe less innocent people would be killed.

The American Liberal Train :

You know, the fundamental problem with this country is all those guns.

Yes, this is a tragedy. But nothing compared to what's happening in Iraq right now.

I am sure Bush won't waste a minute in running to the scene and giving a speech.

Look look, there he goes.

I wonder if he's gonna somehow find a way to link the shooting with 9/11.

The Indian Train :

Hmm. It happened in a university. A place where there are many Indians. I wonder if any Indians died in the shooting.

They say the shooter was Asian. Could he be.....Indian? I hope not.

It appears that he was on an F1 visa. I bet the anti-immigration lobby seizes this opportunity to badmouth immigration and immigrants.

So he was Korean. Are Americans smart enough to know the difference between India and Korea?

I wonder how that Chinese-looking guy in my gym feels about all this. I wonder if people look at him differently wherever he goes now. God, I am sure glad the shooter wasn't Indian.

I really feel sad for all the Indians who died.

The American Neocon Train:

The Israeli professor who was killed in the shooting, threw himself at the gunman to save his students' lives. On the other hand, the Palestinian student who filmed the killings on camera didn't save any lives and compared the tragedy to the violence in the occupied territories. Just goes to show.

The Chinese Train:

You people like your guns way too much.

The Rest of the World Train:

Basically what the Chinese said. And also, such things would never happen in our country. Hunger, poverty, riots, crime yes. School shootings no.


Nothing quite brings the world together like a tragedy now, does it?