Air Tran's stupid commercial

There is an Air Tran commercial currently playing on my radio station. This commercial has a couple of variants.

Variant 1 :

A lady walks up to her seat in a plane and sits down. A gentleman takes the seat next to hers. Conversation between the two ensues, at first, quite amiable and neighbourly. Soon, the lady discovers that the guy is travelling to a yodelling convention along with his co-yodellers in the same plane. In order to give the lady a demonstration of his yodelling abilities (no doubt in the hope of scoring), he begins yodelling away to glory. Soon, everyone in the plane going to the yodellers convention begins to do so. Under attack from fifty yodellers, the lady goes into histrionics.

Message from the voiceover lady : This will not happen to you in an AirTran Airways flight. Along with comfortable seats, you will not find yourself sitting in a plane full of yodellers.

Variant 2 : Same theme, except this time, it is a pirate who begins to sing some kind of a pirate ditty.

Message from the voiceover lady : This will not happen to you in an AirTran Airways flight. Along with comfortable seats, you will not find yourself sitting in a plane next to a pirate.

Now my question to Air Tran is this : How can you be so fucking confident that your flight will be free of itinerant yodellers and / or pirates? Does your airline have an established code of disallowing yodellers or pirates from boarding the plane, and if so, on what basis do you make the determination that a given passenger falls under this category?

And coming down to it, what makes you believe that you can get away with denying entry to yodellers or pirates? Haven't your lawyers informed you that it is not even legal for you to do that? Where do you get your legal advice from anyways, your dry cleaners?

Seriously, Air Tran, I believe your commercial is nothing but a sack of bullshit, designed to play on the ingrained prejudice your radio listeners might have against yodellers or pirates. And, being against prejudices of any kind, I denounce this marketing gimmick of yours on principle. I hereby give you my word that I will never again buy an Air Tran ticket as long as you keep peddling this ad to me.

Not that I'm into yodelling. It's kind of a gayish thing to do.

White House hires first ever female head chef, women's organizations rejoice

President George W Bush today hired Laura Bush, who will be the first woman ever to ascend to the position of head chef in the White house, thus putting to rest any doubts in the minds of female American voters that with the increased clout of the Christian Right in the Republican party, it was gradually turning into a patriarchal, anti-feminist organization. The Republican Party, for the past few years, had built up a platform of opposing abortion, contraception and an increased role of women in society, thus disenfranchising the female American vote base, who were increasingly attracted to the more progressive ideas of the Democratic Party.

But, this new decision to put a woman in charge of the White House kitchen, might reverse this trend, said White House officials. "I fired the head chef and promoted Laura, my wife to this position", said the President in a press conference. "Starting today, she will occupy the highest position in the kitchen hierarchy and will be personally responsible for cooking for me, the twins and any White House guests that might be staying for dinner."

The National Organization for Women (NOW), has lauded the president's decision saying that this was a step in the right direction towards ensuring equal opportunities for women in the workplace. NOW issued an official statement saying "Traditional Christian culture used to look upon women merely as birthgivers and encouraged them to remain satisfied with their role in society as homemakers, cooking and cleaning for the man of the house and not venture out of their homes as professionals in the American job market. But with the president's trailblazing decision to assign the highest position in the White House culinary team to a woman, this sets a good role model for the American people".

When asked for details on the new hiring, President Bush replied "Laura has always wanted to make a difference in the world by pursuing a career of her own, and not just be the First Lady. Now she will be doing exactly that while feeding the Leader of the free world. This will also keep her busy and keep her from becoming one of them desperate housewives on television. Heh heh."

Laura Bush when asked for her reaction, replied "Well, he only likes the crab cakes I make for him, so I guess I have to cook. Of course, now I will have less time for other things like travelling and reading, but the Bible says a woman's happiness lies at the feet of her Lord and Master."

Laura Bush, ecstatic at being able to serve as head chef to the White House (courtesy CNN)

My search for the worst ever Hindi film song is over.

I was watching a Hindi movie on AVS TV in the morning , just killing time, while the wife was fixing me an omlet. I had no idea what movie this was, since both the hero and the heroine seemed to have been lifted randomly from some group of dance extras, which I'm sure infest every film studio in the morning. After a commercial break, they showed the name of the movie, "Dil pardesi ho gaya". Nope, never heard of it. After investing an hour's worth of time on the internet searching for this movie, I finally found it. It took me an hour because I tried all possible combinations of the words dil, pardesi and gaya since I could not remember the exact name at the time.

So, this song began with Amrish Puri, dancing with the heroine in a garden. Before you think cradle robber, let me explain that Amrish Puri, it turned out, was the babe's daddy. And a Pakistani brigadier too. So, it was with quite a bit of bemusement that I watched Amrish Puri, supposedly a hardened armyman, perform the song wearing a chef's hat, which I named "The breakfast song". The song, not the hat. The actual name of the song is "aaj humne aap ke liye special breakfast banaya hai" (today, I have prepared a special breakfast for you).

The premise of the song was that the father-daughter relationship can be aptly compared to the process of serving and eating breakfast. Bizarre as this premise might be in itself, it was nothing compared to the actual execution of the premise. The method chosen for illustrating this comparison was to take a father-daughter emotion, look for a corresponding breakfast food item and juxtapose the two together. For example, "mamta ka glass" (the glass of love). So, following are some priceless excerpts from this song.

Amrish Puri, who obviously seems to be a morning person considering his sprightliness at this early hour of the day, has prepared breakfast for his daughter and is encouraging her to eat, using song and dance to support his case.

Based on my understanding of the concept, I have highlighted the emotion and the corresponding breakfast accessory in yellow.

Puri starts the song with a sickeningly chirpy greeting.

Good Morning Good Morning Good Morning
Very Very Good Very Good Morning

Jesus Christ, I hate seeing people be rambunctious so fucking early in the morning. No, I am not a morning person. Actually, I am a no-time-of-the-day person.

Chaliye Chaliye Tashreef To Rakhiye
Mohabbat Ki Kursi Par

Translation : Come on come on, please sit down on this chair of love.

Breakfast Sajaayaa Hai Khushiyon Ki Table Par

Translation : Breakfast has been served on the table of happiness.

Ye Pyaar Ki Plate Hai Jis Mein Taazaa Taazaa Omlet Hai

Translation : This is the plate of love in which has been served a freshly made omlet.

Toast Pe Lagaayaa Hai Makkhan Jaise Baaton Kaa

Translation : The butter of words has been applied to this toast.

Ok here in the song, there appears another person, presumably a kitchen helper of some kind, bearing on one arm a pitcher of milk and in the other, a jug of orange juice.

Taking the pitcher of milk, Amrish Puri proceeds to pour it into a glass, singing,

Mamtaa Ke Is Glass Mein Garam Garam Hai Doodh

Translation : This glass of love contains hot milk.

Then, taking the other jug and pouring the contents into another glass, Puri proclaims,

Chain-O-Aman Ke Jaar Mein Fresh Fresh Hai Juice

What the fuck is a chain-o-aman? Anyways,

Translation : The jar of Whothefuckknowswhatitis contains fresh juice.

And finally, the breakfast ends with :

Qudrat Ke Baagon Se Ham Fruits Lekar Aayen Hain

Translation : I have brought fruits picked from the garden of nature.

I don't know, this one was difficult. However, also the most meaningful line in the entire song.

After the song was over, I went into my bedroom, stood in front of my mirror, looked at my reflection and then proceeded to slap myself hard repeatedly till I had convinced myself that the song I had just witnessed actually existed and hadn't been a product of my imagination. And when my wife returned from the kitchen holding in a plate the omlet she had just prepared for me, I couldn't help thinking damn, this thing bears a serious resemblance to the desk lamp.

For complete lyrics to this song, click here.

And stay away from sharp objects once you are done reading. At least for a day. It's for your own good.

Slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

From the Swami Uptown

Last night, I lay on the dock as our naked daughter jumped happily in the water and, instead of goopy thoughts about the good life, I considered that this same sky covered Baghdad. A child plays here; a child dies there. A child lives a truth of nature here; a child is killed for a lie there.

Do you feel lucky?

US refuses to practice Coitus Interruptus with Iraq

President Bush today refused to pull out of Iraq prematurely, citing a religious objection to engaging in the practice of coitus interruptus. Coitus interruptus, also known colloquially as "pulling it out before you come", is a form of contraception practiced by godless liberal sex addicts.

"When you have sexual intercourse with a good Christian lady, or as in this case, with an entire Islamic nation, the Bible specifies that it should only be done with the ultimate aim of procreation", said the president in a press conference. "In this case, it would be sinful to withdraw from the fertile womb of Iraq before a new democratic nation is born."

Pat Robertson, the leader of the Christian Coalition and all-round douchebag, agreed with the president's decision. "The president is following God's way", he said. "It would be wrong for America to fuck Iraq just for the momentary pleasure of an oilgasm. Now that America has violated the sandy desert of Iraq's womanhood, it would be right and proper for America to stay there till baby Iraq is conceived".

President Bush has also magnanimously stated his intent to be around for a few more years till the cherubic middle-eastern nation begins to walk on it's own feet and dig for oil. "Really, I look upon it more as an investment than paying alimony", said Bush to American taxpayers. "Once baby Iraq grows up into a strong young man, he will support America in America's old age".

So what is with this blog?

It's now been about two months since I started blogging. The primary reason why I started this project was curiosity. I was curious to know if I would be able to put down my thoughts on paper coherently and if people would be interesting in reading them. It wasn't that I believed I would have something particularly interesting or enlightening to say, it's just that I was wondering well, if someone gave me a microphone and a podium, what in God's name would I even have to say? Well, I don't know about the former but from my site meter and comments box, I can clearly see that the latter might be somewhat true. And for that, I thank you dear reader, and I appreciate your business. Really. There is no bigger ego boost to a man than to know that someone finds his bullshit worth listening to.

When I started, most of the material I had was related to George W Bush. It was literally pouring out of my ears. Even today, about 60% of my posts either have something to do with the fearless leader's daily antics or just gratuitous fun at his expense. I know, it is kind of like putting all my eggs in one basket. Who knows tomorrow he might actually come out of his coma or whatever it is that has zombified his brain, and start behaving like a normal human being again, and then where would I be? I would probably have to resort to writing about brushing teeth and doing my laundry and so on, and even though I am pretty positive that my laundry has more entertainment value than many people's, I doubt it would be enough for me to maintain my readership.

So, then I also write about issues that concern me. Environmental issues. Global warming. Fossil fuels. Bigotry. Tom Cruise. Superstition. Sexual liberation. Women's rights. Trains. Conservative politics. Liberal politics. Religion. Now there's a juicy topic. I am profoundly affected by how seemingly rational people can turn into blathering idiots when they talk about religion. My goal is to attempt to dissect religion and try to find out what makes this seemingly archaic institution still tick in these supposedly modern enlightened times.

Sometimes, one might get the impression that I am biased and that I am too hard on Christianity than I am on Hinduism or Islam. Well, you can put your minds to rest, people. I believe in equal opportunity disparagement. I dislike and mistrust every religion equally. Yes, even Buddhism. Who the hell sits under a tree and suddenly gets bestowed with the Universal Fountainhead of Knowledge? Ok Sir Isaac Newton did, but that's just because he got beaned with an apple. Otherwise I don't see how it could happen. There are three reasons why I take on Christianity more than I would Hinduism or Islam. It has nothing to do with my cultural roots. The simple and selfish explanation is that I live in America, a Christian nation, and currently, my life is more affected by people practicing Christianity. If tomorrow, I relocate back to India, I would probably talk more about Hinduism and Islam, since those would be the religions more affecting my life then.

The second reason is that, even though I do not condone practicing religion, I can kind of understand why it would play a more significant role in life in lesser developed countries, where people, due to poverty, have frequently lost hope and faith, and religion would be the only thing that keeps them going mentally. But when a developed country like America, where the standard of living is high and people have a life bereft of much of the problems facing the third world, turns fundamentalist Christian, it is an interesting and curious situation and merits careful investigation. Thirdly, in my heart, call me naive, but I believe that the Hindu concept of religion along with all the myths and stories of a million Gods and things like that is so ridiculously absurd, no Hindu can really believe half the things Hinduism claims. In fact, I believe most Hindus are really practicing atheists and the mythology part of the religion is just something to kill time during an idle evening. Not the goons of the Shiv Sena, though. They are just political hacks.

So that is that with respect to religion. Moving along, apart from religious dogma, I also write about things that interest me in the news, stuff that is so freaking ridiculous or just bizarre, that it merits a comment. And I don't know if anyone has noticed, but frequently, I make stuff up. Like when I say President Bush said this, or he did that, there is a strong possibility that he didn't actually say it or do it. It might just be hot air coming out of my fingertips. So, before you link to something on this blog, think twice. It might not be true. Don't be the Chinese reporter who wrote "Congress was behaving like a petulant baseball team and threatening to bolt Washington, D.C., unless it got a new, modern Capitol building, complete with retractable roof", and claimed his source was The Onion, thinking it was a legitimate news source. Or even Deborah Norville of MSNBC, who claimed on air that "more than half of all exercise done in the United States happens in TV infomercials for workout machines", based on a "report" in The Onion.

And finally, when I really have nothing much to say, I just write about personal experiences, things that happen to me during my day to day life which I find intriguing. And funny. But that is the worst case scenario. Only when I am entirely devoid of ideas will this happen. So, when you find an article on this blog that involves a story with me reciting it in the first person, it either means it is a slow news day or that I am feeling lazy or intellectually drained and am probably wandering around like a zombie, mumbling to myself in a low undertone.

So that was just a brief explanation of why you see things on this blog that might seem strange and out of place. And that is why I write about things that I write about.

Now, we take you back to your regularly scheduled programming.

How global warming is kinda like having too much to drink

An area in Siberia spanning a million square kilometers, or to put it in perspective, the combined size of France and Germany is beginning to thaw and melt (via Raw Story) because of global warming. If that did not put it in perspective, here's another fact : This area would fit in it 11,111,111,111 apartments of a size I live in currently. That's 11 billion, bitches.

Oh, and here's the fun part : "Scientists fear that as it thaws, it will release billions of tonnes of methane, a greenhouse gas 20 times more potent than carbon dioxide, into the atmosphere."

Aww isn't that special? It is basically going to be ....what's the word I'm looking for, oh yeah, .... a vicious cycle. It's like what happens when you've had too much to drink, so you puke your bloody guts out, then you look around at all the puke and you think goddamn all this puke is making me vomit, so then you puke some more, and the more you puke the more you feel like puking some more until you are sitting in an ocean of your indigestibles and then finally your spine breaks from bending over the fucking toilet bowl for too long, you hit your head on the rim and die of a concussion.

So that's what's gonna happen. Unless someone wakes up and does something now, we are all going to be sitting motionless with our heads in the toilet bowl, sweating like pigs because the AC's broken and the AC repairman is dead too.

Meanwhile, George W Bush will continue to cut brush on his fake cowboy ranch and pretend not to hear all the scientists rant and yell at him. "What's that", he will say, "I can't hear you over the sound of my AC".

Report attributes no new terror attacks to luck, Americans go on a gambling spree

USA Today in a report entitled "Why suicide attackers haven't hit the US again", identified the possible reasons behind the US not being attacked by terrorists since September 11 2001. Among the reasons given were lack of a team-based terrorist infrastructure based in the US, relative happiness and higher standard of living of Muslims in the US and better protection of America's borders.

However, the single-most important and plausible reason identified by the newspaper as to why there have been no new attacks in the US was "Luck". Americans, on hearing about their incredible good fortune, immediately tried to take advantage of the situation by flocking in droves to casinos in Las Vegas, Atlantic City and other gambling hot spots throughout the nation.

"Hell yeah, I'm on a winning streak here", said Ray Martinez of Knoxville, Tennessee, furiously punching in quarters into an Atlantic City slot machine. "First this "no terror" business, and now I've won like 10 dollars since I started playing. I'll probably keep on playing till my money runs out. Either that or there are more terror attacks, whichever comes first", he concluded.

But curiously enough, most people reportedly did not experience a continuation of their good fortune of the past few years and did not win any money as expected. "I do not understand this", said a despondent Mary Macaulay of South Bend, Indiana. "When we didn't have people flying planes into buildings for 4 years, I thought this was it. After all this misfortune, Lady Luck was finally smiling upon me. But tonight I have lost more than 500 dollars, playing poker. Granted, this is the first time I'm playing this game and I still do not know the rules, but I felt really, really lucky you know", she sniffed tearfully. "Maybe this means that there's going to be an attack soon. I better start buying up duct tape."

Michael Chertoff, the US homeland security secretary, on being informed about the massive gambling tragedy occurring throughout the country, has raised terror alert levels to bright neon red.

Karma is....

Lugging a 30 pack of beer up Mt Marcy in the Adirondacks,
forgetting to bring flashlight batteries,
forgetting to bring rain jackets,
getting soaked in the rain,
getting lost in the dense Adirondack forest,
getting stuck in a slimy bog and sinking waist deep,
pulling into the bog a philanthropic friend who tries to rescue you,
seeing imaginary lights in the forest and hearing imaginary voices to make you believe you have reached the mythical campsite,
finally, pitching the tent on the trail in the middle of nowhere since the campsite has not and most probably, will not materialize,
reading tent-pitching instructions, illuminated by a cigarette lighter,
climbing up a tree in the dark with a friend giving you directions from below to hang your bags of food on the tree in case a bear should make an appearance,
curling up in your sleeping bag, massaging raw, bruised shoulder, while muttering curses at the jackass whose idea it was to bring a 30 pack of beer on the hike,
waking up in the morning to find a cold clear mountain spring running through the tent,
chilling the cans of beer in the cold water of the mountain spring,
drinking this chilled beer for breakfast,
weaving your way down Mt Marcy in a state of mountain-stream-chilled-beer state of inebriation.
singing praises of the jackass whose idea it was to bring a 30 pack of beer on the hike.

That, my friends, is karma.
Or something like it.

The riddle of Epicurus

From the redoubtable Daily Doubter :

The riddle of Epicurus

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?

Indeed, why?

The early bird watcher.

As I sit, tired and drowsy, at my desk in my apartment at 6:15 a.m on a grey drizzly wednesday morning after having dropped off my wife at the railway station, I'm wondering whether time actually moves faster when you are asleep. It appears to have been only a couple of hours earlier that yesterday ended, and today has already begun.

Just as I am pondering the wisdom of taking an early morning swig of beer in order to jumpstart my lethargic brain cells, I happen to glance outside my window, through the rain, at the house across the street. It is dark and peaceful and hints of people ensconced in a deep slumber. I know, from my observations that it is the home of a very tiny, very old lady, who lives alone. The only time I see her is on sunday morning when she comes out of her house to clip the hedge outside her window. Which is strange, because it is usually the maintenance folk who perform this task. Perhaps she is just paranoid, I wonder, of someone jumping out at her from behind the hedge after she returns from a day of grocery shopping. In the short period of time I have been living in this apartment, I have never seen her have any visitors. She does not own a car, and that is a bit of good fortune for me because I get to keep her parking space. The number of parking spaces is very limited in this apartment complex. But that is beside the point.

So, as I am looking out of my window, gazing at the silent house and weighing the pros and cons of stepping outside in the rain to throw out my trash (which has turned funky during the night), a light on the second floor abruptly turns on. After a while, the light in the stairway turns on, and by and by, the first floor of the house lights up. From this sequence of events, I deduce that the old lady just woke up, waddled down the stairs and is now occupying the first floor of the house.

Soon, the front door opens and the old lady comes out, attired in immaculate rain gear (it is raining pretty heavily now) and stands on her doorstep. And she just stands there. My curiousity is piqued. She appears to be looking at the sky. She looks left, then looks right, all the while looking above. I wonder if she is going to start dancing around the lamp post, "singing in the rain". But it's 6:30 a.m, it is raining, and she is old. I discard the idea.

Then, suddenly, I hear a honking sound. I look up through my window and I see a flock of birds, geese to be precise, fly by. It is quite a large number of birds, and they are flying pretty low, just about at my roof level. I glance at the old woman and she is enthralled, watching the birds with considerable interest. Even after the birds are gone, she still stands there. Then, after a while, another flock comes by, even larger and honkier than the first. This batch of birds receives the same rapt attention as did the previous one. Once this flock leaves and the air is silent again, she opens her front door and waddles back inside. The door closes behind her. Then, the lights in her house turn on and off in a reverse sequence. Soon, the house is again dark and peaceful.

The old lady is asleep.

Ariel Sharon's bloodstained bandages for sale on eBay

Ariel Sharon's bloodstained bandages, from the Yom Kippur war are on sale on eBay for $10,000. (via Alternet). As of now, there are no bidders. Reportedly, the seller had to cut off the bloodstained parts because of eBay's restrictions on selling human blood. On being asked what is the guarantee that these were actually the bandages worn by Sharon, the seller's response (actually) is "the bandage is authentic-you'll have to take my father's word for it".

No word yet on whether there are any bidders for the pants George W Bush crapped in when informed of the 9/11 attacks.

(courtesy Andymatic.com)

The ubiquity of pandering brownnosers

Starting in 1996, first one, then another state government in Maharashtra state, decided to pander to its regionally jingoistic Marathi voter base by changing the name of every place, thing, animal, vegetable and mineral in Mumbai city to the "Chhatrapati Shivaji" place, thing, animal, vegetable and mineral. All this useless charade was pretty much hogwash in the eyes of many Maharashtrians, who believed the government would have been better off utilizing it's time and resources in pursuing policies that would actually have some tangible benefits. The government, as a result, became, and quite rightly so, an object of ridicule. This is the joke that was circulating around at that time :

I wake up everyday at 6:30 am (Chhatrapati Standard Time) to go to my school: Chhatrapati Shivaji Vidyalaya. It was a little confusing getting there at first, because all schools in the city have the same name. But once I got directions, it was fine. All I have to do is go down Chhatrapati Shivaji Road, make a left turn at Chhatrapati Shivaji Chowk, go straight till Chhatrapati Shivaji Marg, until I reach Chhatrapati Shivaji Road. Then I go straight till I come to Chhatrapati Shivaji Chowk. Once I got lost and found myself at Chhatrapati Shivaji Road instead of Chhatrapati Shivaji Road. Silly mistake, when I think about it.

Fast forward to the present and to the Western hemisphere in a supposedly developed country called the United States of America. Here, you would probably think the situation would be different, but you would be wrong. The national party in power, the Republican party, is up to the same tricks that the misguided Maharashtra state government was up to. Right now, the Republican party is hell bent upon renaming everything in the capital, Washington DC, by attaching the prefix "Ronald Reagan" to it. And today, in the US, this is the joke circulating around the block.

One can only imagine what it must be like every morning in the Bonilla household...

MRS. BONILLA: Good morning dear. I've cooked you some Ronald Reagans for breakfast.

HENRY BONILLA: Thanks honey, I'll eat them while I read the Ronald Reagan.

MRS. BONILLA: Would you like me to turn on the Ronald Reagan?

HENRY BONILLA: No thanks - now I come to think of it I really need to take a Ronald Reagan. I'll read the Ronald Reagan while I'm in there.

(15 minutes later)

HENRY BONILLA: I wouldn't go in there for a while if I were you.

Notice any similarities? If you wanted to be a sentimental pile of horse manure, you could take the viewpoint that this just goes to show that deep inside our outer layers of religion, class, caste, gender, nationality and everything else that divides us, we are all the same at the core. On the other hand, if you wanted to be a cynical bastard and chuck the sentimentality, you could say that this just proves that wherever you go on this planet of ours, you will always find a bunch of politicians willing to shed every bit of dignity and common sense in order to pander to the masses for political gain.

I choose to be a cynical bastard.

Windows Vista service pack 1 ready in time for Windows Vista release.

Microsoft has announced that in keeping with its tradition of timely updates and security related bug fixes for it's software products, it is now ready to release Service Pack 1 for the upcoming new version of the popular Windows operating system called "Vista".

Microsoft had to release this service pack in response to a virus threat to the new not-yet-released operating system, which was pointed out by Mikko Hypponen, director of antivirus research at F-Secure. The virus is said to target Microsoft Command Shell (MSH) technology currently in development under the codename Monad. A Microsoft spokesman clarified that the rhyming of the name with "gonad" is incidental and does not in any way, reflect upon the technology.

Windows users have applauded the company's quick response to the virus threat to their future operating system and have started downloading the new service pack, even as Microsoft is getting ready for the release of the operating system itself.

The company has also issued a tech note instructing users to "Please install the service pack only after having first installed the actual operating system".

In other news, Microsoft has announced that hereafter, installation of software which does not conform to strict Microsoft issued user interface standards will cause computer hard drives to auto-format.

New peak discovered in oil, geologists ecstatic

Geologists and cartographers worldwide were ecstatic this weekend, when a new peak was discovered in the oil price graph. This is the highest peak to be discovered till now, and is $63.60 above $0 level.

"It has been a very good week", says Geologist Tom Coburn, "We have never had such a spate of new peaks being discovered in such a relatively short period of time. Till recently, the highest peak discovered was $61.26, then just last wednesday, we found a new one at $62.47, and now this. It is really a great and exciting time for the geological sciences."

Scott McClellan, the White House spokesperson and presidential ball-washer, when asked for comment, remarked, "The discovery of this new peak only serves to validate and showcase the success of the president's policy of exploratory incursions in the Middle East. God willing, in the days to come, we will be seeing discoveries of higher and more magnificent peaks which will make these recently discovered peaks insignificant by comparison."

Ever since details of the new discoveries were made public, people have been glued to their television screens and haven't ventured out of their houses in the excitement of the discovery. "I can't afford to drive anymore", said Michael Munoz, "Also, I want to keep up with these scientific breakthroughs that are occurring everyday. Can you lend me a fiver? I need to buy milk"

Overheard at an Indian restaurant

Me and the wife, sitting in a decent Indian restaurant, belting the buffet. In walks a contingent of Indians, kind of rural in appearance and mannerism. Two of the guys go to the buffet, come back with plates laden with food.

Guy no. 1 says something to the effect that the place ain't too shabby and the food looks delicious.

Guy no. 2 : "nahi re, ye sab chamak dhamak hai, ye sirf dekhne ko accha hai" (Nah, it's all shine and glitter, the food only looks good)

Later on, Guy no.1 again returns to the buffet and comes back with a refill. Guy no. 2 accosts him,

Guy no.2 : "are mirchi kha, mirchi jabardast hai" (eat the raw chilli peppers, they are quite delicious).

So this guy didn't think much of the elaborately cooked food, but was all over the raw chillies.

I'm sure theres some kind of worldly wisdom and insight to be gained from this exchange, although I can't seem to pinpoint it.

Smarter when drunk

From Overheard in New York :

Obviously, overheard in New York :

Drunk guy #1: Hey, how come we never banged our neighbor?
Drunk guy #2: Because she's 17 years old!
Drunk guy #1: OK, then why didn't we bang her mom?
Drunk guy #2: Because we're faggots!
Drunk guy #1: OK, then why haven't we banged each other?

--V train

Blog plug of the day : Life in plastic pants

I chanced upon this blog recently, while surfing "Ann Coulter tossed my salad". (that's a different story altogether). Worth a look if nothing else, just for the sheer batshit creativity in coming up with this idea.

On this blog, everyday (or every week, probably) it's a new episode in the lives of midieval toy lego soldiers complete with castle, horses and a feudal hierarchy, with everything carefully choreographed. All conversations are in midieval english (I think, I could be mistaken since I never lived in those times). Sometimes, instead of lego soldiers it may be video game characters, but the concept is the same. I whole-heartedly recommend a check out.

Update: I have been informed by the author of "Ann Coulter tossed my salad" that henceforth, his salad will no longer be exclusively tossed by Ann Coulter and so, he has relocated to merely "Tossed my salad".

Russian submarine update

The sailors in the Russian submarine I blogged about are actually in dire straits because they only have a limited supply of oxygen. I feel really bad about making fun of the situation earlier yesterday.

CBS says "The new crisis is also highly embarrassing for Russia, which will hold an unprecedented joint military exercise with China later this month, including the use of submarines to settle an imaginary conflict in a foreign land."

Who the fuck cares if it's embarassing...There are lives at stake here, get a reality check, how about saving these guys first, then think about your image goddamnit.

Where's God when you need one.

US to outsource greenhouse gas production to India

The US, as part of a bold new initiative to outsource the production of greenhouse gases to south-east Asian countries, is planning on exporting pollution-causing, low gas mileage yielding vehicles to consumers in India. General Motors, the premier American company which specializes in the production of inferior quality, gas-guzzling, elephantine vehicles which reportedly are instrumental in increasing the phallus size of white male drivers, may start selling Hummers and Cadillacs in India.

President George Bush, in a joint press conference with GM president James J. Storrow remarked, "Common sense dictates that if a third world country with it's cheaper labor force can provide a service more efficiently and at a lower cost to the American public, then that service needs to be outsourced to that country. That is the case here. America, even with it's growing economy and environmentally derelict population can, by no means, produce the amount of greenhouse gases as the vast population of India can, given the appropriate tools."

"Our strategic partnership with India will help us achieve our goal of increasing global temperatures by an average of 5 degrees Celcius much earlier than the projected 100 years. After all, we cannot trust our children to live the same oil-based hedonistic lifestyle that we, of our generation, are so addicted to. If any global warming is to occur, it has to occur now."

In other news, Halliburton, the all-purpose American company, has tendered a quote to the US government for the contract of bulldozing every major Indian city in order to build roads capable of handling the new monster cars.