In a major attempt to boost its sagging public image among members of the hacker and virus-building communities, Microsoft has issued a public statement saying that the late delivery of its new operating system Windows Vista will be completed on time.
Computer hackers and writers of malicious code damaging to computers running on the Windows operating system account for over 25% of Microsoft's revenues from the sale of its operating systems. However, the hacker and virus-builder communities, most members of which depend on Microsoft for the satisfaction of their anarcho-destructive fantasies, have lately been unhappy with the company's inordinate delay in releasing the latest flavor of Windows, called Vista.
"There's only so many ways in which Windows XP can be taken apart and put back in one piece, and I've gone through them all", said a prominent virus creator, known in the cyber underworld as King Byte. "We have been eagerly awaiting the new operating system which, as Mr Gates has promised us, will contain a number of feature-rich security holes for us to identify and have fun exploiting. The only question is, when will the damn thing be here?"
Many hackers, after waiting for more than a year in frustrated anticipation, have decided to switch to Unix instead. "Even though Unix offers more challenges even for the experienced cyber-terrorist, it is a relatively unexplored terrain, and hence, is sure to have far greater entertainment and educational value. Also, we believe that Microsoft will not take our demand for releasing Windows Vista seriously unless we demonstrate our willingness to switch brand loyalty.
On being asked for a comment, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates quickly penned an email in Outlook 2007 and sent it to reporters, only to be informed that it was infected with the virus BillSuck and could only be cleaned by formatting his hard drive.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
The blogospheric whispering game
When I was a little kid, there was this game we used to play called, what could be loosely translated into English as "ear-stories". The premise of the game was as follows : A bunch of kids sat around in a circle. The game would begin with a randomly chosen kid whispering a sentence into the ears of the kid to his left. This kid would, in turn, whisper whatever it was that he had thought he had heard from the previous kid and regurgitate it into the ears of the kid to his left. And so on and so forth, till the game returned back to the kid who had been the original source of the sentence. The huge entertainment value of the game lay in the hilarious metamorphosis the sentence would undergo as it was filtered through several juvenile ears. Usually, the end product was nowhere close to the original sentence that had initiated this daisy-chain of whispers.
The reason I bring this up is because today, with the countless number of blogs, self-appointed commentators and news dispersers, the media has turned into a huge game of "ear-stories" that metamorphoses the facts of the original story into something totally different. Take, for example, this piece of news which details Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's plans to incorporate guided propulsion, remote controlled weaponry and unmanned vehicles into army operations using robotic technology. This news was linked to by this blog, where the blogger actually stayed pretty close to the original story but titled his blogpost "Indian PM promises Robot Army" and at the end, attached his own addendum, saying
This blogpost, was then, in turn, picked up by this blog, where the author not only named his post "India announces plan to develop robot army", but also added his own 5 cents worth of fictional commentary, saying :
In addition, this enterprising blogger attached a picture of robots obtained from who knows where, and which are nowhere to be found on the original article.
And finally, this delicious black forest cake of misinformation was topped off with icing today morning on the radio channel WMMR Philadelphia, whose morning show anchors, Preston Elliott and Steve Morrison read this news on-air in their Bizarre Files segment as fact, along with a liberal dose of the customary ridicule that usually accompanies anything that makes it to that segment.
Reading this article, the image one conjures up in one's mind is that of an army of bronze clunky robots battling it out in the icy mountain ranges of the northwest, probably issuing orders to one another in a metallic funny Indian accent, the same one that has achieved quite a bit of popularity in the US comedy circuit. Plus, what could be more ridiculous than a third world country with limited resources opting to spend them on a science fiction project involving fighting robots?
But read the original article closely, and you'll realize not only does it not contain any reference to a robot army, but as a commenter pointed out, the Prime Minister enumerated various proposals for the modernization of the Indian army, a number of which have already been implemented by the American military. And no, I don't think I have seen any robots on television, engaging in hand-to-hand combat in the bloody streets of Iraq, so I'm guessing we won't see any robots fighting in the Himalayas either.
PS : As an aside, notice how the comments in the last blogpost steadily and puzzlingly deteriorate into a debate on reservations. It's actually quite amusing.
The reason I bring this up is because today, with the countless number of blogs, self-appointed commentators and news dispersers, the media has turned into a huge game of "ear-stories" that metamorphoses the facts of the original story into something totally different. Take, for example, this piece of news which details Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's plans to incorporate guided propulsion, remote controlled weaponry and unmanned vehicles into army operations using robotic technology. This news was linked to by this blog, where the blogger actually stayed pretty close to the original story but titled his blogpost "Indian PM promises Robot Army" and at the end, attached his own addendum, saying
High tech weapons development to start a 'virtuous circle which benefits all'? Hmmmm. Could there be some unintended consequences of this plan?
This blogpost, was then, in turn, picked up by this blog, where the author not only named his post "India announces plan to develop robot army", but also added his own 5 cents worth of fictional commentary, saying :
In an announcement that you can probably expect to be repeated by rival Pakistan in the next few days, Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has claimed that his South Asian nation will be the latest country to pursue technologies for developing a robotic army.
In addition, this enterprising blogger attached a picture of robots obtained from who knows where, and which are nowhere to be found on the original article.
And finally, this delicious black forest cake of misinformation was topped off with icing today morning on the radio channel WMMR Philadelphia, whose morning show anchors, Preston Elliott and Steve Morrison read this news on-air in their Bizarre Files segment as fact, along with a liberal dose of the customary ridicule that usually accompanies anything that makes it to that segment.
Reading this article, the image one conjures up in one's mind is that of an army of bronze clunky robots battling it out in the icy mountain ranges of the northwest, probably issuing orders to one another in a metallic funny Indian accent, the same one that has achieved quite a bit of popularity in the US comedy circuit. Plus, what could be more ridiculous than a third world country with limited resources opting to spend them on a science fiction project involving fighting robots?
But read the original article closely, and you'll realize not only does it not contain any reference to a robot army, but as a commenter pointed out, the Prime Minister enumerated various proposals for the modernization of the Indian army, a number of which have already been implemented by the American military. And no, I don't think I have seen any robots on television, engaging in hand-to-hand combat in the bloody streets of Iraq, so I'm guessing we won't see any robots fighting in the Himalayas either.
PS : As an aside, notice how the comments in the last blogpost steadily and puzzlingly deteriorate into a debate on reservations. It's actually quite amusing.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
From one religious fanatic to another
Dear Muslim Fundamentalist Brother,
Salam Waleikum. Let me get straight to the point. I am disappointed in you, my brother. Truly, truly disappointed. Here I was, sitting at my desk, gazing at the "Divine Eye of God" that brings me news from all over the world, or as these Americans call it for whatever reason, a "computer screen" , I realized that while I've been distracted by things urgently requiring my attention such as protesting the release of Deepa Mehta's "Water" here in the US, you've been forming some unholy alliances on your own. You've been getting together with those Jesus people and forcing the Indian government to ban "The Da Vinci Code" in theaters. I was appalled when I read this piece of news. Do you not realize the folly of your actions? Let me explain.
As you well know, you and I, we have both had our differences. Throughout the ages, we've been inflicting violence and bloodshed on each other because frankly, look, both our communities blame each other for all their problems. Plus, I know for a fact that your despotic set of beliefs do not coincide with those sanctioned by God, and I also know that you've had the same thoughts about mine. And we've both agreed that the best way to resolve this dispute is to eliminate each other from the face of the planet. No believers = no beliefs. Am I right?
So it would have seemed to a casual bystander that fate had decreed us to lead a lifestyle replete with murder, pillage and hounding by each other's communities. But then, when we least expected it, a ray of sunshine broke out through all that gloom. A few months ago, we signed a historic pact. We decided to make peace with each other and that the Hindu crazies and the Muslim loonies would finally unite in a coalition of sorts. And together, we would make life miserable for the rest of India instead. That is why, when we approached you and demanded that you surrender M.F Husain's arms into our custody, you were ready to help us with your machettes and bone-saws. And in return, when you issued a fatwa on the heads of the Danish cartoonists, not only did we show you the exact vertebra in the neck that needed to be severed in order to seperate the infidel skull from the torso, we also supplied you with the polythene bags required to dispose of those skulls in an environmentally-friendly fashion. And when we were not delimbing painters or beheading cartoonists, we were making sure that India was well on its way to becoming a model nation of religious puritans in the mold of our Middle-Eastern brothers. Our joint control over the more moderate populace of the country was turning out to be a huge success.
But then, you had to go and include the Christians in our coalition. You never even asked us, never sought our advice on this issue. I don't know if you've noticed, but Christians make up a mere 2% of the population of our country. While you and I, we constitute about 94%. Now my question to you is this : By allowing the Christians access to the levers that control those in power, the strings that make the puppets in Parliament dance to our tune, are we not setting a dangerous precedent for other parties to follow?
What if tomorrow fundamentalist Buddhists were to protest the violence and gore that is such an integral part of our movies? Would we be adding them to our fold and campaigning on their behalf? Or horror of horrors, what if the goddamn atheist community were to show up on our doorstep and demand that every reference to God be deleted from the silver screen because it offended their Godless sensibilities? Have you even considered that? I didn't think so.
You might say I'm being a pessimist, that I should be savoring our joint victory over the government, that it's a matter of the glass being half full and not half empty. Personally, I couldn't care less if the glass were to be half full or half empty as long as it contained water that would otherwise have slaked an atheist's thirst. But my point is that this might not even be a success, but a defeat for you and me, the rightful owners of this great nation. For by allowing the Christians to bend our government to their will, you have just opened a door that will allow just about every community in India to harness the immense power of religious blackmail, the power that should rightfully only be wielded by you and me. And that is a tragedy of epic proportions.
Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done now to rectify the situation.
In any case, I hope this letter finds you in the fairest of health and the blindest of faith. Khuda Hafiz my dear friend,
Sincerely,
Your Hindu Fundamentalist Brother.
Salam Waleikum. Let me get straight to the point. I am disappointed in you, my brother. Truly, truly disappointed. Here I was, sitting at my desk, gazing at the "Divine Eye of God" that brings me news from all over the world, or as these Americans call it for whatever reason, a "computer screen" , I realized that while I've been distracted by things urgently requiring my attention such as protesting the release of Deepa Mehta's "Water" here in the US, you've been forming some unholy alliances on your own. You've been getting together with those Jesus people and forcing the Indian government to ban "The Da Vinci Code" in theaters. I was appalled when I read this piece of news. Do you not realize the folly of your actions? Let me explain.
As you well know, you and I, we have both had our differences. Throughout the ages, we've been inflicting violence and bloodshed on each other because frankly, look, both our communities blame each other for all their problems. Plus, I know for a fact that your despotic set of beliefs do not coincide with those sanctioned by God, and I also know that you've had the same thoughts about mine. And we've both agreed that the best way to resolve this dispute is to eliminate each other from the face of the planet. No believers = no beliefs. Am I right?
So it would have seemed to a casual bystander that fate had decreed us to lead a lifestyle replete with murder, pillage and hounding by each other's communities. But then, when we least expected it, a ray of sunshine broke out through all that gloom. A few months ago, we signed a historic pact. We decided to make peace with each other and that the Hindu crazies and the Muslim loonies would finally unite in a coalition of sorts. And together, we would make life miserable for the rest of India instead. That is why, when we approached you and demanded that you surrender M.F Husain's arms into our custody, you were ready to help us with your machettes and bone-saws. And in return, when you issued a fatwa on the heads of the Danish cartoonists, not only did we show you the exact vertebra in the neck that needed to be severed in order to seperate the infidel skull from the torso, we also supplied you with the polythene bags required to dispose of those skulls in an environmentally-friendly fashion. And when we were not delimbing painters or beheading cartoonists, we were making sure that India was well on its way to becoming a model nation of religious puritans in the mold of our Middle-Eastern brothers. Our joint control over the more moderate populace of the country was turning out to be a huge success.
But then, you had to go and include the Christians in our coalition. You never even asked us, never sought our advice on this issue. I don't know if you've noticed, but Christians make up a mere 2% of the population of our country. While you and I, we constitute about 94%. Now my question to you is this : By allowing the Christians access to the levers that control those in power, the strings that make the puppets in Parliament dance to our tune, are we not setting a dangerous precedent for other parties to follow?
What if tomorrow fundamentalist Buddhists were to protest the violence and gore that is such an integral part of our movies? Would we be adding them to our fold and campaigning on their behalf? Or horror of horrors, what if the goddamn atheist community were to show up on our doorstep and demand that every reference to God be deleted from the silver screen because it offended their Godless sensibilities? Have you even considered that? I didn't think so.
You might say I'm being a pessimist, that I should be savoring our joint victory over the government, that it's a matter of the glass being half full and not half empty. Personally, I couldn't care less if the glass were to be half full or half empty as long as it contained water that would otherwise have slaked an atheist's thirst. But my point is that this might not even be a success, but a defeat for you and me, the rightful owners of this great nation. For by allowing the Christians to bend our government to their will, you have just opened a door that will allow just about every community in India to harness the immense power of religious blackmail, the power that should rightfully only be wielded by you and me. And that is a tragedy of epic proportions.
Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done now to rectify the situation.
In any case, I hope this letter finds you in the fairest of health and the blindest of faith. Khuda Hafiz my dear friend,
Sincerely,
Your Hindu Fundamentalist Brother.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Inane Instapundit post of the day
Glenn Reynolds keeps pointing to various links that prove gasoline is still cheaper today than it was during its peak price in the 80s. And I can't help wondering why the fuck he keeps doing that. Why should I care about how much gasoline cost in the 80s? I wasn't driving a car in the 80s. I don't fucking care about the 80s. The 80s are dead to me, man. All I care about is that gasoline, and hence, every other fucking thing costs more today than what it cost yesterday and the week before that and the month before that, whereas I'm still making the same money today as I was making yesterday and the week before that and the month before that. Is that so fucking difficult for Reynolds and his band of wise men to understand?
Saying gasoline is cheap today 'cause it cost more in the 80s is like saying life today is so fucking great because no matter what happens, you should always remember that there was a time when we were living in caves and didn't even have refrigerators to store our Coors Light bottles in.
Saying gasoline is cheap today 'cause it cost more in the 80s is like saying life today is so fucking great because no matter what happens, you should always remember that there was a time when we were living in caves and didn't even have refrigerators to store our Coors Light bottles in.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Phone companies to offer free weekend private minutes
Phone companies are taking note of the public outrage over latest revelations regarding the NSA's domestic phone call monitoring program and trying to diffuse the situation by upgrading service plans to include a limited number of private minutes that can be used by customers during the weekend.
The NSA, which is secretly collecting phone numbers of millions of Americans along with details of calls made from those numbers, has been accused by critics of having violated numerous privacy laws during the process. However, along with the NSA, phone companies appear to be culpable as well for having quietly acquiesced to the NSA's demand for sharing call records that were hitherto pronounced confidential under their policy of disclosure.
However, many phone companies are now trying to limit the PR damage caused by these revelations by upgrading customer calling plans to include 120 free private minutes on weekends. These minutes will go into effect at 5:00 a.m saturday and will end at 7:00 am the very same day, giving customers ample time to carry out top-secret telephonic transactions such as spousal-cheating and crank-calling. Records of calls made during this period will not be submitted to the NSA, instead, being maintained in secret lockup till the furor over the scandal subsides and the NSA is free to surreptitiously violate Americans' civil liberties again.
This calling plan upgrade is available to all US citizens who first have to apply for and pass a background check which will determine if the applicant fulfills all the criteria necessary to be deemed a non-terrorist. In addition, the applicant will also have to provide a list of phone numbers he is planning on calling, and the owners of these numbers will then be checked for any possible ties to the Democratic Party before he is allotted the free private minutes.
On being asked why customer phone call records are being freely supplied to the NSA in spite of the fine print on existing confidentiality agreements stating that customer information will only be given to the government under the duress of court orders or subpoenas, a company spokesperson said, "Well, you need to read the finer print just below the fine print, which states that we can pretty much do whatever we want with that information, including printing it out on flyers and handing it out in Times Square or simply airdropping it throughout the countryside in pamphlet form."
In other news, President Bush, seen here prematurely declaring victory over the pyramid of Kukulkan along with the president of Mexico and the prime minister of Canada, has come up with a brilliant plan to solve the nation's illegal immigration problem. This plan involves sending thousands of National Guard troops to California, Arizona and New Mexico where they will pick fruit and perform any other menial jobs usually assigned to illegal immigrants. In addition, any illegal immigrants caught trying to sneak across the border will be skinned and their hides sent to Iraq to be worn as body armor by coalition troops.
The NSA, which is secretly collecting phone numbers of millions of Americans along with details of calls made from those numbers, has been accused by critics of having violated numerous privacy laws during the process. However, along with the NSA, phone companies appear to be culpable as well for having quietly acquiesced to the NSA's demand for sharing call records that were hitherto pronounced confidential under their policy of disclosure.
However, many phone companies are now trying to limit the PR damage caused by these revelations by upgrading customer calling plans to include 120 free private minutes on weekends. These minutes will go into effect at 5:00 a.m saturday and will end at 7:00 am the very same day, giving customers ample time to carry out top-secret telephonic transactions such as spousal-cheating and crank-calling. Records of calls made during this period will not be submitted to the NSA, instead, being maintained in secret lockup till the furor over the scandal subsides and the NSA is free to surreptitiously violate Americans' civil liberties again.
This calling plan upgrade is available to all US citizens who first have to apply for and pass a background check which will determine if the applicant fulfills all the criteria necessary to be deemed a non-terrorist. In addition, the applicant will also have to provide a list of phone numbers he is planning on calling, and the owners of these numbers will then be checked for any possible ties to the Democratic Party before he is allotted the free private minutes.
On being asked why customer phone call records are being freely supplied to the NSA in spite of the fine print on existing confidentiality agreements stating that customer information will only be given to the government under the duress of court orders or subpoenas, a company spokesperson said, "Well, you need to read the finer print just below the fine print, which states that we can pretty much do whatever we want with that information, including printing it out on flyers and handing it out in Times Square or simply airdropping it throughout the countryside in pamphlet form."
In other news, President Bush, seen here prematurely declaring victory over the pyramid of Kukulkan along with the president of Mexico and the prime minister of Canada, has come up with a brilliant plan to solve the nation's illegal immigration problem. This plan involves sending thousands of National Guard troops to California, Arizona and New Mexico where they will pick fruit and perform any other menial jobs usually assigned to illegal immigrants. In addition, any illegal immigrants caught trying to sneak across the border will be skinned and their hides sent to Iraq to be worn as body armor by coalition troops.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
A Day without Legal Immigrants in the works
Legal immigrants in America, impressed with the unqualified success of the just concluded "Day without Illegal immigrants" protest, have come together in a bid to focus public attention on their plight by organizing a corresponding "Day without Legal Immigrants". Legal immigrants in the US currently on a work visa face a long and arduous journey as they inch towards the goal of permanent residency and citizenship of this country one bureaucratic red tape at a time.
Negotiations are currently underway among the various legal immigrant factions in the country to agree upon a suitable date for this extraordinary event. However, due to the immense professional diversity of this group, it has been difficult to decide on a date that would be convenient for everyone.
"January and February just aren't good for me", said Mandar Joglekar, an engineer from Detroit. "Busiest month of the year for the manufacturing industry and we have huge orders to fill. But any other date will do", he added.
On the other hand, legal immigrants from the medical profession have reportedly declined to ratify any date in June or July since hospitals are quite busy due to an increase in Americans' propensity of driving into each other during the summer months. And finally, the Association of Legal Software Engineers or ASSLES(S) has confirmed that Autumn won't be a good time for them to walk out on their jobs. "We usually have our major software releases scheduled right before Christmas", said Chen Hwa, a project manager from New Jersey. "If I don't come to work, testing will be affected and there will be numerous bugs in the release", he said.
Finally, after an all-night brainstorming session conducted through instant messaging and teleconferencing, it was decided that December 25th would be the only date everyone could agree upon. "I've already run out of vacation days for the year so Christmas day is the only time I can get out of the office", said Rupali Malhotra, a junior software engineer.
"Great job, gang", said a tired Gautam Reddy, leader of the "Day Without Legal Immigrants " project team, as he emerged from the conference room at the break of dawn. "25th December it is. Now go ahead and cancel your trip to India 'cause we have some protesting to do", he added, tearing up his own JFK-London-Mumbai plane ticket as a symbolic gesture, but not before making copies of it just in case the date of the protest were to be changed.
"A Day Without Legal Immigrants" is expected to draw huge crowds of Indians, Chinese and the occasional Canadian in the software parks and industrial complexes of the country. Coverage of the event is expected to be sporadic, confined to cellphone video-messaged clips that will be posted on blogs not read by a single American. However, protesters hope that their message which won't be raucous and spectacular enough to be heard by the government or the mainstream media, will seep through to the government and the mainstream media, the message being, if their request for expedited permanent residency application processes were to be denied, every technology-based company in the US would face a mass exodus of employees every year on Christmas day.
Negotiations are currently underway among the various legal immigrant factions in the country to agree upon a suitable date for this extraordinary event. However, due to the immense professional diversity of this group, it has been difficult to decide on a date that would be convenient for everyone.
"January and February just aren't good for me", said Mandar Joglekar, an engineer from Detroit. "Busiest month of the year for the manufacturing industry and we have huge orders to fill. But any other date will do", he added.
On the other hand, legal immigrants from the medical profession have reportedly declined to ratify any date in June or July since hospitals are quite busy due to an increase in Americans' propensity of driving into each other during the summer months. And finally, the Association of Legal Software Engineers or ASSLES(S) has confirmed that Autumn won't be a good time for them to walk out on their jobs. "We usually have our major software releases scheduled right before Christmas", said Chen Hwa, a project manager from New Jersey. "If I don't come to work, testing will be affected and there will be numerous bugs in the release", he said.
Finally, after an all-night brainstorming session conducted through instant messaging and teleconferencing, it was decided that December 25th would be the only date everyone could agree upon. "I've already run out of vacation days for the year so Christmas day is the only time I can get out of the office", said Rupali Malhotra, a junior software engineer.
"Great job, gang", said a tired Gautam Reddy, leader of the "Day Without Legal Immigrants " project team, as he emerged from the conference room at the break of dawn. "25th December it is. Now go ahead and cancel your trip to India 'cause we have some protesting to do", he added, tearing up his own JFK-London-Mumbai plane ticket as a symbolic gesture, but not before making copies of it just in case the date of the protest were to be changed.
"A Day Without Legal Immigrants" is expected to draw huge crowds of Indians, Chinese and the occasional Canadian in the software parks and industrial complexes of the country. Coverage of the event is expected to be sporadic, confined to cellphone video-messaged clips that will be posted on blogs not read by a single American. However, protesters hope that their message which won't be raucous and spectacular enough to be heard by the government or the mainstream media, will seep through to the government and the mainstream media, the message being, if their request for expedited permanent residency application processes were to be denied, every technology-based company in the US would face a mass exodus of employees every year on Christmas day.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
President Bush to entrust brother with safekeeping of country till twins grow up
With both his teenaged daughters declining to assume control of America after their father finishes his second term, President Bush has announced that the stewardship of the country will instead be handed over to his brother Jeb Bush (via RawStory).
The twins Barbara and Jenna, in spite of being next in line to the throne after their father relinquishes his white-knuckled grip over the country's testicles, have opted to stay in college till they gain a working knowledge about the duties and perks of the American presidency. "It's like I really want to be a war chick n stuff, but a girl only gets one coke snorting binge drinking childhood, you know what I mean", said Jenna Bush, also known among presidential historians as "The Hot One".
The president has agreed to his daughters' request, asking Congress to deliver the reigns of power to his brother Jeb after November 2008, when he is done with "all that prezdental crap". Although Jeb Bush, who is currently the governor of Florida, will have full control of the country's illegal wiretaps and torture chambers for the next few years, the president has clarified that he will only be a temporary keeper of America's keys while the twins grow up and are schooled in the traditions and customs of a Bush presidency.
The Bush twins are the youngest scions of the glorious dynasty of American presidents that was established by the current president's father, George H. W. Bush. Once the twins are ready to ascend to the Crawford throne, they will undergo a ritualistic crowning ceremony at the ranch where a tiara made out of the bones of Iraqi children will be placed upon both their heads while Harry Reid, the Democratic Senate minority leader, in a symbolic display of sacrifice, will be stripped naked and gutted, his blood being allowed to flow into a chalice of gold, out of which the twins will then take delicate sips to solemnize their absolute authority over the country and its bodily fluids.
On being asked for a comment, the future tyrants Barbara and Jenna Bush said, "Oh we just can't wait to become president. Uncle Karl is already teaching us how to hire incompetents and leak matters vital to national security."
In order to avoid sibling rivalry and spats, power will be vested equally in each twin and any administrative conflicts that might arise will be resolved through a game of rock, paper, scissors. However, serious disagreements will have to be sorted out through the more brutal medium of pillow fighting.
"I'll do my job and save all the best wars for when they enter the White House", said Jeb Bush, on being asked how he planned to carry out his mission of temporary guardianship of the country while his nieces grow up. "It will be great to stay in the White House for a while and enjoy the peace and quiet. They really have nice soundproof walls over there which do a great job of masking out the wails of the screaming disaffected masses outside".
The twins Barbara and Jenna, in spite of being next in line to the throne after their father relinquishes his white-knuckled grip over the country's testicles, have opted to stay in college till they gain a working knowledge about the duties and perks of the American presidency. "It's like I really want to be a war chick n stuff, but a girl only gets one coke snorting binge drinking childhood, you know what I mean", said Jenna Bush, also known among presidential historians as "The Hot One".
The president has agreed to his daughters' request, asking Congress to deliver the reigns of power to his brother Jeb after November 2008, when he is done with "all that prezdental crap". Although Jeb Bush, who is currently the governor of Florida, will have full control of the country's illegal wiretaps and torture chambers for the next few years, the president has clarified that he will only be a temporary keeper of America's keys while the twins grow up and are schooled in the traditions and customs of a Bush presidency.
The Bush twins are the youngest scions of the glorious dynasty of American presidents that was established by the current president's father, George H. W. Bush. Once the twins are ready to ascend to the Crawford throne, they will undergo a ritualistic crowning ceremony at the ranch where a tiara made out of the bones of Iraqi children will be placed upon both their heads while Harry Reid, the Democratic Senate minority leader, in a symbolic display of sacrifice, will be stripped naked and gutted, his blood being allowed to flow into a chalice of gold, out of which the twins will then take delicate sips to solemnize their absolute authority over the country and its bodily fluids.
On being asked for a comment, the future tyrants Barbara and Jenna Bush said, "Oh we just can't wait to become president. Uncle Karl is already teaching us how to hire incompetents and leak matters vital to national security."
In order to avoid sibling rivalry and spats, power will be vested equally in each twin and any administrative conflicts that might arise will be resolved through a game of rock, paper, scissors. However, serious disagreements will have to be sorted out through the more brutal medium of pillow fighting.
"I'll do my job and save all the best wars for when they enter the White House", said Jeb Bush, on being asked how he planned to carry out his mission of temporary guardianship of the country while his nieces grow up. "It will be great to stay in the White House for a while and enjoy the peace and quiet. They really have nice soundproof walls over there which do a great job of masking out the wails of the screaming disaffected masses outside".
Friday, May 05, 2006
Crappy Instapundit link of the day
Instapundit points to this inane post by Gateway Pundit where he appears to ask the question, "If a lunatic walked up to you and claimed that the earth is round, would you believe him? Or would you consider his lunacy to be a factor in your decision and refuse to believe him?"
The Gateway Pundit apparently would refuse to believe that the earth is round. This is what happened. Ray McGovern, a retired CIA analyst, recently heckled Donald Rumsfeld, asking him why he had lied that he knew where the WMDs were being stored in Iraq (via C&L).
The Gateway Pundit apparently would refuse to believe that the earth is round. This is what happened. Ray McGovern, a retired CIA analyst, recently heckled Donald Rumsfeld, asking him why he had lied that he knew where the WMDs were being stored in Iraq (via C&L).
Rumsfeld: ...it appears that there were not weapons of mass destruction there.
McGovern: You said you knew where they were.
Rumsfeld: I did not. I said I knew where suspect sites were and...
McGovern: You said you knew where they were. Tikrit, Baghdad, northeast, south, west of there. Those are your words.
Rumsfeld: My words-my words were that-no-no, wait a minute--wait a minute. Let him stay one second. Just a second....
As C&L points out, this is what Rumsfeld had actually said before.
MR. STEPHANOPOULOS: Finally, weapons of mass destruction. Key goal of the military campaign is finding those weapons of mass destruction. None have been found yet. There was a raid on the Answar Al-Islam Camp up in the north last night. A lot of people expected to find ricin there. None was found. How big of a problem is that? And is it curious to you that given how much control U.S. and coalition forces now have in the country, they haven't found any weapons of mass destruction?
SEC. RUMSFELD: Not at all. If you think -- let me take that, both pieces -- the area in the south and the west and the north that coalition forces control is substantial. It happens not to be the area where weapons of mass destruction were dispersed. We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat.
Gateway Pundit, in spite of that fact being common knowledge, flies off on a tangent, calling McGovern a nut, pointing to his anti-Bush opinions and activities, as if doing that somehow erases Rumsfeld's blatant mendacity from the chart. And isn't that the problem with America today? If someone points out or says something that shows the administration in a bad light, just set your dogs on him. And that's what Gateway Pundit does in this bizarre post, linked to approvingly by Big Daddy Glenn Reynolds.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Update : Glenn Greenwald adds that the links provided by Gateway Pundit do not, in any way, attest to McGovern's alleged "nutcasery".Thursday, May 04, 2006
Bless the Lord
Prayer might not be able to save heart patients, but it can cause oil prices to drop.
Today the president led the nation in prayer on the occasion of, yes, you guessed it, the National Day of Prayer, 'cause what could be a better way for the president to underline the importance of the entire country placing blind faith in him and his policies than to set an example himself by publicly placing blind faith in God. But hail to the Almighty, the prayers appeared to work mighty fine, 'cause God, He caused gas prices to drop by 10 cents a gallon (RawStory).
And now, looking back, we now realize that it was all part of a complex Divine plan when God apparently went against all reason and logic by wreaking havoc on the heart valves of 59% of heart patients who were the target of a prayer team's efforts. By causing those people to remain bedridden and without any access to automobiles, God was actually reducing the overall gas consumption of the nation, which consequently caused gas prices to fall.
It's simple, really. God works according to the following rule of thumb : When in doubt, go with the oil.
Today the president led the nation in prayer on the occasion of, yes, you guessed it, the National Day of Prayer, 'cause what could be a better way for the president to underline the importance of the entire country placing blind faith in him and his policies than to set an example himself by publicly placing blind faith in God. But hail to the Almighty, the prayers appeared to work mighty fine, 'cause God, He caused gas prices to drop by 10 cents a gallon (RawStory).
And now, looking back, we now realize that it was all part of a complex Divine plan when God apparently went against all reason and logic by wreaking havoc on the heart valves of 59% of heart patients who were the target of a prayer team's efforts. By causing those people to remain bedridden and without any access to automobiles, God was actually reducing the overall gas consumption of the nation, which consequently caused gas prices to fall.
It's simple, really. God works according to the following rule of thumb : When in doubt, go with the oil.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Stephen Colbert bitchslaps the high priest of inadvertant comedy
Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report performed at the White House correspondent's dinner. He absolutely manhandled the president, his policies, the press and everything in between. Compare his brilliant act to that of the president who tried to do a comedic bit (a deliberate one, as opposed to one of his inadvertant free-falls). Bush stood at the podium with an impersonator (Steve Bridges) by his side, the impersonator apparently saying aloud things the president was supposed to be thinking at the moment. The prerequisite assumption here being, of course, that there actually is thinking going on inside that head. Anyways, a few examples of his "punchlines" :
President Bush : I'm absolutely delighted to be here, as is Laura.
Impersonator : She's hot.
ha ha.
President Bush : Ladies and gentlemen, I feel chipper tonight. I survived the White House shake-up.
That was so funny it made me cry because it was true.
Impersonator : How come I can't have dinner with the 36 percent of the people who like me?
Answer : Because there's no room in trailer parks to accomodate Presidential security details.
You get the picture. Michelle Malkin, of course, thought it was bloody hilarious. But then, everything the president says or does gets her moist.
And then, Colbert began his routine roasting the president. And all signs pointed to the fact that Bush wasn't pleased about it. At least he stopped smiling. Which is great, because it shows that he understood the jokes. Read the entire thing, although I will post the greatest bits for the chronically lazy among you.
"By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail."
As an aside, the WaPo screws up its analysis of this one. Teresa Wiltz says,"We're not sure if Valerie Plame laughed, though. Or Karl Rove." What the fuck do Plame or Rove have to do with this? This was a dig at the NSA's illegal spying on American citizens. Obviously Teresa Wiltz was out of the loop.
"I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit."
"I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq."
"And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior."
"Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias."
"I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world."
"The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday."
"This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!"
" Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire!"
"Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center."
President Bush : I'm absolutely delighted to be here, as is Laura.
Impersonator : She's hot.
ha ha.
President Bush : Ladies and gentlemen, I feel chipper tonight. I survived the White House shake-up.
That was so funny it made me cry because it was true.
Impersonator : How come I can't have dinner with the 36 percent of the people who like me?
Answer : Because there's no room in trailer parks to accomodate Presidential security details.
You get the picture. Michelle Malkin, of course, thought it was bloody hilarious. But then, everything the president says or does gets her moist.
And then, Colbert began his routine roasting the president. And all signs pointed to the fact that Bush wasn't pleased about it. At least he stopped smiling. Which is great, because it shows that he understood the jokes. Read the entire thing, although I will post the greatest bits for the chronically lazy among you.
"By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail."
As an aside, the WaPo screws up its analysis of this one. Teresa Wiltz says,"We're not sure if Valerie Plame laughed, though. Or Karl Rove." What the fuck do Plame or Rove have to do with this? This was a dig at the NSA's illegal spying on American citizens. Obviously Teresa Wiltz was out of the loop.
"I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit."
"I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq."
"And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior."
"Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias."
"I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world."
"The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday."
"This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!"
" Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire!"
"Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center."
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Headlines
Relief from the agony over high gas prices finally arrived with completion of a high-capacity pipeline between the White House and the Fox News Channel. This pipeline is expected to aid the President in coping with public outrage against rising gas prices in the country by removing all obstructions in the smooth flow of propaganda from production facilities in the White House to consumers all over the country, in the process, bypassing the middleman.
Recognizing the hardship average Americans have had to suffer for the past few weeks due to $3.00 gallon gas prices, senators are lobbying for a bill which proposes that $100 checks be handed over to oil companies on behalf of every taxpayer in the country.
Over in the Middle-East, the Pentagon is planning to cut American troop strength in Iraq by 30,000 within the next few months. These troops will take the shortest route home through neighbouring Iran in order to take in the sights, sounds and machine-gun fire of the country.
Weapons of Mass Destruction were finally spotted in Iraq flying overhead as they made their way from North Korea to Iran (via fark).
Pepsi's new condom-flavored soda bombed in the Indian soft-drink market. The soda-guzzling public expressed unhappiness with the company's perceived intrusion into the government's population control initiative (via RawStory).
And finally, The Heavenly Times reports that our God, the God of Gods and Lord of Lords has informed his tour manager Pope Benedict XVI that He has changed his mind about the use of condoms by his favored species, the humans. In a press conference, God said that after realizing that creating the AIDS virus had been a dumb idea right from the start, He would now be relaxing his rules against contraception in order to allow couples from infecting each other with the disease. God also promised that going forward, He would try not to create any new lifeforms while under the influence of Jack n' coke.
Recognizing the hardship average Americans have had to suffer for the past few weeks due to $3.00 gallon gas prices, senators are lobbying for a bill which proposes that $100 checks be handed over to oil companies on behalf of every taxpayer in the country.
Over in the Middle-East, the Pentagon is planning to cut American troop strength in Iraq by 30,000 within the next few months. These troops will take the shortest route home through neighbouring Iran in order to take in the sights, sounds and machine-gun fire of the country.
Weapons of Mass Destruction were finally spotted in Iraq flying overhead as they made their way from North Korea to Iran (via fark).
Pepsi's new condom-flavored soda bombed in the Indian soft-drink market. The soda-guzzling public expressed unhappiness with the company's perceived intrusion into the government's population control initiative (via RawStory).
And finally, The Heavenly Times reports that our God, the God of Gods and Lord of Lords has informed his tour manager Pope Benedict XVI that He has changed his mind about the use of condoms by his favored species, the humans. In a press conference, God said that after realizing that creating the AIDS virus had been a dumb idea right from the start, He would now be relaxing his rules against contraception in order to allow couples from infecting each other with the disease. God also promised that going forward, He would try not to create any new lifeforms while under the influence of Jack n' coke.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Airbus to return to its roots as a transporter of the masses
Airbus Industrie, after a long and glorious career of transporting passengers in relative luxury and comfort through the air, is planning on returning back to its roots as a purveyor of the masses (via RawStory).
The company, which was founded in 1970 by Pierre Francois, a Paris bus driver who, after having had enough of the city's notorious traffic congestion caused by jaywalking American tourists, decided to invent an alternative mode of transport for his clientelle. The first airbus was literally a bus with plastic wings attached to its windows that enabled it to fly through traffic signals and jams. Soon the fledgeling company grew into a multinational conglomerate, ceasing production of its older winged buses, instead, applying modern aerospace technology to develop sleek new planes capable of seating passengers in comfortably upholstered chairs instead of requiring them to stand near the driver-pilot chatting about the weather.
Now, with most of the world mired in economic turmoil and recession, Airbus is planning on making air travel again accessible to the masses. With passengers being required to stand in the aisle throughout the duration of the flight, enjoying the sweaty aroma emanating from each other's armpits, this new business model is sure to attract a lot of attention from commuters in cities like New York and Chicago who are already acclimatized to these conditions on their subway systems and actually kind of miss those strange hands groping their privates on a normal plane flight.
Airbus CEO Gustav Humbert says he has many more innovative ideas to propel the company forward especially in high-growth markets such as Asia and Africa. Apart from saving space by making people stand on the plane, the new Airbus business model also involves plans to have a two-tier pricing system where coach-class passengers will be bent into the shape of a chair so as to allow business-class passengers to recline on them. Future proposals to reduce operating costs also include the design of hybrid planes where coach-class passengers will be required to collectively blow into mouthpieces attached to dual human-powered jet engines while they are being urged on by business class passengers sporting whips and paintball guns.
The company, which was founded in 1970 by Pierre Francois, a Paris bus driver who, after having had enough of the city's notorious traffic congestion caused by jaywalking American tourists, decided to invent an alternative mode of transport for his clientelle. The first airbus was literally a bus with plastic wings attached to its windows that enabled it to fly through traffic signals and jams. Soon the fledgeling company grew into a multinational conglomerate, ceasing production of its older winged buses, instead, applying modern aerospace technology to develop sleek new planes capable of seating passengers in comfortably upholstered chairs instead of requiring them to stand near the driver-pilot chatting about the weather.
Now, with most of the world mired in economic turmoil and recession, Airbus is planning on making air travel again accessible to the masses. With passengers being required to stand in the aisle throughout the duration of the flight, enjoying the sweaty aroma emanating from each other's armpits, this new business model is sure to attract a lot of attention from commuters in cities like New York and Chicago who are already acclimatized to these conditions on their subway systems and actually kind of miss those strange hands groping their privates on a normal plane flight.
Airbus CEO Gustav Humbert says he has many more innovative ideas to propel the company forward especially in high-growth markets such as Asia and Africa. Apart from saving space by making people stand on the plane, the new Airbus business model also involves plans to have a two-tier pricing system where coach-class passengers will be bent into the shape of a chair so as to allow business-class passengers to recline on them. Future proposals to reduce operating costs also include the design of hybrid planes where coach-class passengers will be required to collectively blow into mouthpieces attached to dual human-powered jet engines while they are being urged on by business class passengers sporting whips and paintball guns.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Headlines
Aishwarya Rai expressed regret about accepting bicycling lessons from President Bush following their recent tryst during his visit to India.
Back in Washington DC, President Bush apologized for any discomfort that visiting Chinese President Hu Jintao might have had to endure due to Americans' indecorous abuse of the First Amendment by protesting his presence in the US. He assured Jintao that for his next visit, the US military would take pre-emptive anti-protest measures by patrolling the streets of DC in armored tanks.
President Bush and President Hu Jintao made significant progress in their talks regarding the human rights record of both countries. Jintao issued an official promise that imprisoned Chinese blogger Hao Wu would be allowed access to legal representation and due process in return for President Bush providing illegally incarcerated Guantanamo Bay prisoners with access to blogging.
Instapundit made tremendous headway towards his ultimate goal of achieving blogosphere irrelevance by linking to a post that claims, without any factual basis, that Morgan Spurlock's documentary on unhealthy McDonald's fast food may have contributed to the recent skyrocketing of its business.
Great Britain's Queen Elizabeth II began serving a new term in office today by celebrating her 80th birthday. According to reports, the queen said that she was looking forward to commencing work on her primary project during this term, which would be to stay alive.
Back in Washington DC, President Bush apologized for any discomfort that visiting Chinese President Hu Jintao might have had to endure due to Americans' indecorous abuse of the First Amendment by protesting his presence in the US. He assured Jintao that for his next visit, the US military would take pre-emptive anti-protest measures by patrolling the streets of DC in armored tanks.
President Bush and President Hu Jintao made significant progress in their talks regarding the human rights record of both countries. Jintao issued an official promise that imprisoned Chinese blogger Hao Wu would be allowed access to legal representation and due process in return for President Bush providing illegally incarcerated Guantanamo Bay prisoners with access to blogging.
Instapundit made tremendous headway towards his ultimate goal of achieving blogosphere irrelevance by linking to a post that claims, without any factual basis, that Morgan Spurlock's documentary on unhealthy McDonald's fast food may have contributed to the recent skyrocketing of its business.
Great Britain's Queen Elizabeth II began serving a new term in office today by celebrating her 80th birthday. According to reports, the queen said that she was looking forward to commencing work on her primary project during this term, which would be to stay alive.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Ex-Press Secretary's wife glad husband won't be bringing work home anymore
After learning that White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan had resigned from his post, his wife Jill said that she was very happy to hear about it and that the best part of the whole deal was that he wouldn't be bringing his work home anymore.
Mr McClellan, whose duties for the White House in the capacity of spokesperson routinely involved the fabrication of statements that had little or no basis in reality, always made it a practice of bringing his work home, according to his wife. In a press conference attended solely by her marriage counsellor, Mrs McClellan said that the couple had been having some domestic problems due to Scott's refusal to shed his press secretary persona even after leaving the White House briefing room.
"People have a work-life and then they have a family-life", said Mrs McClellan. "Scott, however, due to his tremendous dedication to his work, continued to be a press secretary, lying and making things up even after he returned home. For example, the other day when I asked him if he had taken out the trash, he said yes, but when I found out that he had not, in fact, taken out the trash and requested an explanation, he claimed that we had already gone over this matter yesterday and that I should publicly apologize on the air for misrepresenting his position on trash disposal."
According to Mrs. McClellan, Scott continued to diligently perform his lying duties right upto the moment of his resignation. "Yesterday I asked him about his work, and he claimed that he was about to be promoted to Vice President", sobbed Mrs. McClellan tearfully. "Luckily for me, he was just in press-secretary mode and talking through his ass."
President Bush thanked McClellan for his service to the country while accepting his resignation. "It's going to be hard to replace someone endowed with a gift such as he", he said, referring to Mr McClellan's talent for mendacity. "Although I taught him most of what he knows about dodging incisive questions from the press and throwing them back at the reporter in a way calculated to besmirch his patriotism, it is now clear that he is currently the best in the profession, surpassing even me in bullshittery."
Mr McClellan, who was asked for a comment on his resignation, said, "The media is deliberately playing up negative stories from Iraq such as the one about my resignation, which, by the way, is not true to my best recollection. I never said I was resigning and even if I did, it would only be true if I admitted it, which I won't. Anyone who continues to insist otherwise is displaying a pre-9/11 mentality. Next question."
Mr McClellan, whose duties for the White House in the capacity of spokesperson routinely involved the fabrication of statements that had little or no basis in reality, always made it a practice of bringing his work home, according to his wife. In a press conference attended solely by her marriage counsellor, Mrs McClellan said that the couple had been having some domestic problems due to Scott's refusal to shed his press secretary persona even after leaving the White House briefing room.
"People have a work-life and then they have a family-life", said Mrs McClellan. "Scott, however, due to his tremendous dedication to his work, continued to be a press secretary, lying and making things up even after he returned home. For example, the other day when I asked him if he had taken out the trash, he said yes, but when I found out that he had not, in fact, taken out the trash and requested an explanation, he claimed that we had already gone over this matter yesterday and that I should publicly apologize on the air for misrepresenting his position on trash disposal."
According to Mrs. McClellan, Scott continued to diligently perform his lying duties right upto the moment of his resignation. "Yesterday I asked him about his work, and he claimed that he was about to be promoted to Vice President", sobbed Mrs. McClellan tearfully. "Luckily for me, he was just in press-secretary mode and talking through his ass."
President Bush thanked McClellan for his service to the country while accepting his resignation. "It's going to be hard to replace someone endowed with a gift such as he", he said, referring to Mr McClellan's talent for mendacity. "Although I taught him most of what he knows about dodging incisive questions from the press and throwing them back at the reporter in a way calculated to besmirch his patriotism, it is now clear that he is currently the best in the profession, surpassing even me in bullshittery."
Mr McClellan, who was asked for a comment on his resignation, said, "The media is deliberately playing up negative stories from Iraq such as the one about my resignation, which, by the way, is not true to my best recollection. I never said I was resigning and even if I did, it would only be true if I admitted it, which I won't. Anyone who continues to insist otherwise is displaying a pre-9/11 mentality. Next question."
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Why you should care about Gitmo
You say you don't care about those ragheads picked up from Iraq and Afghanistan who are now locked up in Gitmo? You feel that even though they've been stowed away from the public eye for God knows how long with no access to legal representation and who aren't even accused of anything yet, that it ain't the end of the world? You say you don't give a flying fuck even if they are tortured or sodomized or fed their own feces? You say they deserved it just 'cause they are from one of those Middle-Eastern countries with all those terrorists who do not allow us the luxury of picking and choosing who we incarcerate so hell, lets just throw 'em all into our cellars and swallow the keys?
Well, fuck you then. 'Cause it could be you in there. Especially if you have brown skin. Or if you have an accent. Or if you think the Iraq war was a sham. Or if you hold the firm belief that George W. Bush is a joke perpetuated by the ghost of Karl Marx on all mankind. Or if you don't have a sense of fashion, who the fuck knows. So if not merely for the inhumanity of it all, at least give half a rat's ass for your own skin. 'Cause it could be you in there tomorrow, rotting away in a prison cell watching your flesh atrophy along with the rest of the huddled bunch. And it will be then that you begin to wonder at the apathy of your fellow citizens to your plight and try to identify the exact moment during which the world shat in its collective pants, succumbing to the dying wishes of a few crazed lunatics who flew into a couple of buildings praying that their actions would destroy the fabric of Western civilization.
Give a fuck. For your own sake.
Well, fuck you then. 'Cause it could be you in there. Especially if you have brown skin. Or if you have an accent. Or if you think the Iraq war was a sham. Or if you hold the firm belief that George W. Bush is a joke perpetuated by the ghost of Karl Marx on all mankind. Or if you don't have a sense of fashion, who the fuck knows. So if not merely for the inhumanity of it all, at least give half a rat's ass for your own skin. 'Cause it could be you in there tomorrow, rotting away in a prison cell watching your flesh atrophy along with the rest of the huddled bunch. And it will be then that you begin to wonder at the apathy of your fellow citizens to your plight and try to identify the exact moment during which the world shat in its collective pants, succumbing to the dying wishes of a few crazed lunatics who flew into a couple of buildings praying that their actions would destroy the fabric of Western civilization.
Give a fuck. For your own sake.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Bizarre co-existence of war hawks
Lately, I've been thinking about all these war hawks who support the Iraqi invasion. The great thing about these guys which I have mentioned before and which works to their advantage, is that they have so many different justifications for the war. Like if, say, you ask someone, hey man, where are all those WMDs you guys were talkin' about, and he'll say fuck you, I supported the war not to find weapons, but 'cause I had a nagging itch in my prostate for freeing the Iraqi masses from Saddam's tyranny and giving 'em a taste of good old-fashioned Western democracy. Then you ask someone else, my friend, if you're such a democracy freak, how do you feel about handing the country over to a fundamentalist Islamic regime that's gonna be as supportive of human rights as your wife's gonna be of you having an affair? And he'll say, oh, but Iraqi democracy never had a place in my war manifesto, I supported the Iraqi invasion so that we could fight terrorists over there instead of here. And so on and so forth.
What no one appears to have noticed till now is how all these various pro-war justifications are fundamentally incompatible with each other. For example, consider the farmer in Asscrack, Mississippi who wants to fight terrorists in Iraq 'cause that will keep 'em too occupied to fly planes into his barn. And contrast him with the stockbroker from Westchester, New York, who is pro-war because of his passion for bestowing a peaceful democratic Iraq unto its residents. If you think about this for a minute, you'll recognize that there's just no way for a scenario to exist where the objectives of both these gentlemen could be achieved simultaneously.
In order to create a so-called "flypaper zone" for terrorists to get sucked into, it follows that this would entail keeping Iraq in a perpetual state of destabilization and war, allowing its borders to be porous enough to soak in terrorists from Syria and Iran and all those other axes of evil in order to occupy their attentions there, thus keeping the rest of the world safe from their machinations. On the other hand, if a peaceful Iraq were to be ultimately established, couldn't that be construed to be a failure of the "fight them over there instead of over here" objective? 'Cause if you want to keep those bastards occupied, wouldn't you want the war in Iraq to continue unmitigated, year after year after year, the insurgency to carry on as it is, or exacerbate? Wouldn't every car bombing, every beheaded corpse denote success in the war?
And after realizing this, shouldn't Westchester stockbroker guy, who's such a sucker for Iraqi progress, step up to the plate and say, hey man, what the fuck, your dream of a never-ending war in Iraq is in direct conflict with my goal of a peaceful democracy in that country. But do you see anyone saying that? Heck, no. In reality, we see both these warmonkeys making sweet love on the same bed even though one of them wants to have babies and raise a family, while the other is trying to remember who the fuck he's gonna be sleeping with tomorrow.
Next, consider the justification for the war which involves turning Iraq into a democracy. And contrast that with the goal of making Iraq a terrorist-free zone. Looks like Iraq might actually soon be a democracy, although it will be ruled by a fundamentalist Islamic government at the center. So can this goal of democracy co-exist with that of making Iraq terrorism-free? Not really, if you look at how the fundamentalist Taliban government led to the rise of Al Qaida in Afghanistan. See what I mean? Again, two mutually exclusive goals.
Which is why it amazes me when George W. Bush calmly uses a number of these different justifications for the Iraq war in the same breath, which are quite obviously incompatible with each other, and then expects everyone to believe in the honesty of his mission. That he can say he wants to fight terrorists over there instead of over here, and then, at the same time, explain that the war is all about bringing peace and stability and democracy to the Middle-East. This is just ridiculous. It doesn't make any sense. And I am even more astonished that no one has called him on this nonsense yet.
What no one appears to have noticed till now is how all these various pro-war justifications are fundamentally incompatible with each other. For example, consider the farmer in Asscrack, Mississippi who wants to fight terrorists in Iraq 'cause that will keep 'em too occupied to fly planes into his barn. And contrast him with the stockbroker from Westchester, New York, who is pro-war because of his passion for bestowing a peaceful democratic Iraq unto its residents. If you think about this for a minute, you'll recognize that there's just no way for a scenario to exist where the objectives of both these gentlemen could be achieved simultaneously.
In order to create a so-called "flypaper zone" for terrorists to get sucked into, it follows that this would entail keeping Iraq in a perpetual state of destabilization and war, allowing its borders to be porous enough to soak in terrorists from Syria and Iran and all those other axes of evil in order to occupy their attentions there, thus keeping the rest of the world safe from their machinations. On the other hand, if a peaceful Iraq were to be ultimately established, couldn't that be construed to be a failure of the "fight them over there instead of over here" objective? 'Cause if you want to keep those bastards occupied, wouldn't you want the war in Iraq to continue unmitigated, year after year after year, the insurgency to carry on as it is, or exacerbate? Wouldn't every car bombing, every beheaded corpse denote success in the war?
And after realizing this, shouldn't Westchester stockbroker guy, who's such a sucker for Iraqi progress, step up to the plate and say, hey man, what the fuck, your dream of a never-ending war in Iraq is in direct conflict with my goal of a peaceful democracy in that country. But do you see anyone saying that? Heck, no. In reality, we see both these warmonkeys making sweet love on the same bed even though one of them wants to have babies and raise a family, while the other is trying to remember who the fuck he's gonna be sleeping with tomorrow.
Next, consider the justification for the war which involves turning Iraq into a democracy. And contrast that with the goal of making Iraq a terrorist-free zone. Looks like Iraq might actually soon be a democracy, although it will be ruled by a fundamentalist Islamic government at the center. So can this goal of democracy co-exist with that of making Iraq terrorism-free? Not really, if you look at how the fundamentalist Taliban government led to the rise of Al Qaida in Afghanistan. See what I mean? Again, two mutually exclusive goals.
Which is why it amazes me when George W. Bush calmly uses a number of these different justifications for the Iraq war in the same breath, which are quite obviously incompatible with each other, and then expects everyone to believe in the honesty of his mission. That he can say he wants to fight terrorists over there instead of over here, and then, at the same time, explain that the war is all about bringing peace and stability and democracy to the Middle-East. This is just ridiculous. It doesn't make any sense. And I am even more astonished that no one has called him on this nonsense yet.
Taking a moment to stop and ponder
So nothing's really been happening in the news lately. Except of course, the small factoid that's come to light recently regarding the president lying about finding WMDs in Iraq. Even after the team of experts sent by the Pentagon informed him that what he was calling trailers used to manufacture biological weapons were actually hot dog stands or something akin, he still went ahead and lied that coalition troops had actually stumbled upon WMD production facilities in Iraq. And when the Washington Post reported on this presidential mendacity, White House spokesman Scott McClellan ,who, seriously man, has balls of titanium, requested the media to apologize for having had the temerity to report the truth.
Then there's Ruth Malhotra, a female student from Georgia Tech, part Indian, part fundamentalist Christian, who is currently trying to get the university to pass a law allowing homophobic hate speech on campus by citing her right to religious expression (via HuffPo). I am not so sure if she would be similarly supportive of the white supremacist group that is sure to follow in her trailblazing footsteps, citing their right to racist expression in demanding a similar relaxation of university policy that currently forbids them from calling her a fucking half-breed brown currymuncher.
As great a fan as I am of the ACLU, I think sometimes they can be a trifle overzealous. Like when they protest on behalf of female tennis players against Missouri State University for cutting the women's tennis program (via Fark). The ACLU, in its defense, is citing a rule that prohibits sex discrimination in any educational program that receives federal funds. The question is, how can it be called sex discrimination when the university is cutting male athletics programs as well? In fact, wouldn't it be sex discrimination against men if the university were to cut male programs exclusively while leaving female sports untouched? Sorry, ACLU, I can't support you on this one.
Then there's Ruth Malhotra, a female student from Georgia Tech, part Indian, part fundamentalist Christian, who is currently trying to get the university to pass a law allowing homophobic hate speech on campus by citing her right to religious expression (via HuffPo). I am not so sure if she would be similarly supportive of the white supremacist group that is sure to follow in her trailblazing footsteps, citing their right to racist expression in demanding a similar relaxation of university policy that currently forbids them from calling her a fucking half-breed brown currymuncher.
As great a fan as I am of the ACLU, I think sometimes they can be a trifle overzealous. Like when they protest on behalf of female tennis players against Missouri State University for cutting the women's tennis program (via Fark). The ACLU, in its defense, is citing a rule that prohibits sex discrimination in any educational program that receives federal funds. The question is, how can it be called sex discrimination when the university is cutting male athletics programs as well? In fact, wouldn't it be sex discrimination against men if the university were to cut male programs exclusively while leaving female sports untouched? Sorry, ACLU, I can't support you on this one.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Maharashtra government proposes self-destructing garments for fashion shows
The ruling Congress-NCP coalition of Maharashtra State, in a joint effort with the BJP-Shiv Sena opposition, has proposed a new regulation which requires that all catwalking models on the Indian fashion scene would hereby have to exclusively wear garments manufactured out of a unique self-exploding fabric. If these garments, that have been successfully tested by suicide bombers in Iraq and Afghanistan, were to get detached from the model's body due to a wardrobe malfunction, they would explode instantaneously, thereby incinerating the model before her naked flesh were to have an opportunity of making a public appearance and outraging the morality of the leering audience.
These high-end designer clothes, most of which would be used to cover the upper torso of the female model, require her to undergo a mastectomy in order to make space for the wads of highly explosive fabric they would be composed of. This, however, shouldn't be a problem, according to Shiv Sena leader Pramod Navalkar, since "female breasts do not have a place in civilized society anyways."
Indian fashion designers have protested this governmental intrusion on their art. "This fabric is not that easy to work with", said Arjun Khanna, a prominent practitioner of the trade. "It smells of gunpowder and has to be handled carefully. Plus, we are running out of models to try it on."
Critics of the proposal have argued that these garments, although a huge improvement over the previous non-exploding ones, might not be entirely morally safe. They claim that the small time interval between the garment's disengagement and the model's explosion would still allow eagle-eyed audience members with fast-action cameras to capture a shot of her bare skin just before it vaporizes along with the rest of her body.
However, Bombay Dying, the company that manufactures this fabric, has issued a public assurance that a newer and upgraded version of this incendiary material will soon be available and market-ready. This technologically advanced fabric would additionally discharge a toxic gas upon explosion that is designed to blind enterprising camera-ready members of the audience and thus, further improve its moral safety factor.
These high-end designer clothes, most of which would be used to cover the upper torso of the female model, require her to undergo a mastectomy in order to make space for the wads of highly explosive fabric they would be composed of. This, however, shouldn't be a problem, according to Shiv Sena leader Pramod Navalkar, since "female breasts do not have a place in civilized society anyways."
Indian fashion designers have protested this governmental intrusion on their art. "This fabric is not that easy to work with", said Arjun Khanna, a prominent practitioner of the trade. "It smells of gunpowder and has to be handled carefully. Plus, we are running out of models to try it on."
Critics of the proposal have argued that these garments, although a huge improvement over the previous non-exploding ones, might not be entirely morally safe. They claim that the small time interval between the garment's disengagement and the model's explosion would still allow eagle-eyed audience members with fast-action cameras to capture a shot of her bare skin just before it vaporizes along with the rest of her body.
However, Bombay Dying, the company that manufactures this fabric, has issued a public assurance that a newer and upgraded version of this incendiary material will soon be available and market-ready. This technologically advanced fabric would additionally discharge a toxic gas upon explosion that is designed to blind enterprising camera-ready members of the audience and thus, further improve its moral safety factor.
Iranian president asks Bush to disregard his own approval ratings
In a gesture of friendship and empathy, President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad of Iran today called up American President George W. Bush and asked him to disregard the latest drop in his approval numbers as something that is "just a part of every dictator's life". White House insiders report that while the president was gratified by this support from unexpected quarters, the proposed military strikes on Iranian nuclear facilities are still very much on the table.
The Iranian president comforted President Bush by saying that even if most Americans are unhappy with his job performance, George W.Bush would still be Iran's favorite infidel commander-in-chief. Mr Ahmedinejad also advised the president that when his approval ratings go down, punching a pillow or having the pillow accompany Vice President Dick Cheney on a hunting expedition would be a better outlet for releasing his pent-up frustrations than the invasion of a sovereign nation, such as, say, Iran.
The Iranian president comforted President Bush by saying that even if most Americans are unhappy with his job performance, George W.Bush would still be Iran's favorite infidel commander-in-chief. Mr Ahmedinejad also advised the president that when his approval ratings go down, punching a pillow or having the pillow accompany Vice President Dick Cheney on a hunting expedition would be a better outlet for releasing his pent-up frustrations than the invasion of a sovereign nation, such as, say, Iran.
Friday, April 07, 2006
New immigration bill to put legal immigrants on fast track to citizenship
The new guest worker program proposed by President George W. Bush is expected to help a number of legal immigrants attain American citizenship through illegal immigration.
Many legal immigrants, most of whom are of Indian or Chinese origin, will be benefited by this new bill which the president is requesting Congress to pass just in time for the Christmas holiday cross-border rush. These legal immigrants, many of whom work in the US on an H1B visa, have been languishing in a permanently uncertain status due to huge backlogs of green card applications, most of which take more than 6 years to be approved. After that, it is another 10 years before these people can apply for American citizenship.
Now, with this new guest worker program in the works, legal immigrants will now be able to jump on the fast-track to citizenship by first turning into illegal immigrants. Once this is done, they will be able to shed their highly paid software developer and consultant positions, instead, seeking employment as fruit pickers, hotelroom maids and toilet cleaners, working their way up the citizenship ladder till they are able to attain permanent residency. This will then allow them to become US citizens in a much shorter time period than it would have taken them, had they pursued it through normal legal channels.
Many Republican senators have expressed their support for this guest worker program, saying that it was high time that these highly educated and hardworking legal immigrants were put to work on jobs average Americans didn't want, instead of being employed in professions Americans want but aren't qualified to perform. Moreover, these legal immigrants, unlike their illegal counterparts, contribute nothing to the country except hefty infusions of cash into the social security trust fund and the economy, especially during Christmastime when most of them visit their home country, taking along with them more than half the goods produced in the US during the year.
The passage of this bill will be a huge victory for legal immigrants, who have been lobbying for it for a long time, using highly visible methods for garnering public attention such as hushed inter-cubicle whisperings and frustrated table thumpings during dinner time. Their problems have been compounded by the fact that even though their large numbers presented a substantial vote bank for any beltway politician who would be willing to fight for their cause, they would still, through force of habit, continue to vote for a Gandhi family member for election to the US Congress.
Many legal immigrants, most of whom are of Indian or Chinese origin, will be benefited by this new bill which the president is requesting Congress to pass just in time for the Christmas holiday cross-border rush. These legal immigrants, many of whom work in the US on an H1B visa, have been languishing in a permanently uncertain status due to huge backlogs of green card applications, most of which take more than 6 years to be approved. After that, it is another 10 years before these people can apply for American citizenship.
Now, with this new guest worker program in the works, legal immigrants will now be able to jump on the fast-track to citizenship by first turning into illegal immigrants. Once this is done, they will be able to shed their highly paid software developer and consultant positions, instead, seeking employment as fruit pickers, hotelroom maids and toilet cleaners, working their way up the citizenship ladder till they are able to attain permanent residency. This will then allow them to become US citizens in a much shorter time period than it would have taken them, had they pursued it through normal legal channels.
Many Republican senators have expressed their support for this guest worker program, saying that it was high time that these highly educated and hardworking legal immigrants were put to work on jobs average Americans didn't want, instead of being employed in professions Americans want but aren't qualified to perform. Moreover, these legal immigrants, unlike their illegal counterparts, contribute nothing to the country except hefty infusions of cash into the social security trust fund and the economy, especially during Christmastime when most of them visit their home country, taking along with them more than half the goods produced in the US during the year.
The passage of this bill will be a huge victory for legal immigrants, who have been lobbying for it for a long time, using highly visible methods for garnering public attention such as hushed inter-cubicle whisperings and frustrated table thumpings during dinner time. Their problems have been compounded by the fact that even though their large numbers presented a substantial vote bank for any beltway politician who would be willing to fight for their cause, they would still, through force of habit, continue to vote for a Gandhi family member for election to the US Congress.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)