Friday, March 31, 2006

Jury still out on whether praying helps gunshot victims

The results of a new study were released whose purpose was to determine whether praying for heart patients aided in their convalescence. The answer, unfortunately, turned out to be "What are you, an idiot?" In fact, a greater proportion of patients who were aware of the praying efforts being undertaken on their behalf had further medical complications. These complications were reportedly caused due to hospital staff leaving their posts in order to join the prayer team in singing devotional hymns in the lobby.

Researchers were adamant that this study was not meant to prove or disprove the existence of God. As the lead researcher emphasized, "That's a question for another time and another fake research project to delve into."

This project was funded by the Templeton Foundation, an institute whose mission involves identifying the best methods for injecting religion and superstition into science without actually appearing to do so. In that, it follows in the pioneering footsteps of the Discovery Institute which is currently engaged in the admirable task of attempting to discredit the theory of evolution by asking pertinent questions such as "if mankind did actually descend from apes, how come men don't enjoy flinging their own faeces at others as much as they used to?" The Templeton Institute has also previously allocated funding for scientific projects such as "Does reading the Bible four times a week inhibit tooth decay" and "Can conversion to Christianity be an effective tool to be abused by a daughter-beating Afghani asshole in order to obtain political asylum in a developed country governed by a fundamentalist Christian moron."

Although the research project might appear to have been a failure due to 59 percent of the patients who knew they were being prayed for developing a complication, versus 52 percent of those who didn't, the Foundation is calling the exercize a success since it does not conclusively disprove the role of prayer in helping to heal gunshot victims. In order to carry out further research on that issue, the foundation has applied for additional grants from the American nutjob community.

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