Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Bruce Willis to aid troops in making Iraqi battle scenes more spectacular

Close on the heels of President Bush announcing the existence of an actual strategy for winning the war on Iraq, which, gauging from poll results, most Americans appeared to be unimpressed with, the military establishment is now trying out other methods to make the Iraq war more palatable to the public. In this regard, prominent Hollywood actor, stuntman and pro-war activist Bruce Willis has been recruited as a consultant by coalition troops.

Mr. Willis, who is a veteran of numerous insurgent wars fought on Hollywood film-sets has been entrusted with the job of making coalition troops' battles with Iraqi insurgents more television friendly by increasing their spectacularity and razzle-dazzle. "You want to know why the 1991 Gulf War was so popular in America? I'll tell you why", remarked Mr. Willis on being questioned about his strategy. "It's because it was made for television. All those bombs and things falling on Iraqi homes along with explosions and stuff blowing up. The American public could relate to all that. That's the secret to a successful war."

Willis's mission will consist of trying to rectify the glaring discrepencies between the exciting reality in his films that deal with terrorism and the murderously boring reality that exists on Iraqi battlefronts today. He already had some recommendations for troops engaged in battles with insurgents. "See, here's the thing. When a terrorist gets killed, he should die in a blaze of exploding body parts, not unlike those German guys I killed in Die Hard II. For example, when you shoot someone squatting in front of a building, it would multiply the dramatic value of the scene tenfold if, after getting shot, he were to be thrown back into the window, preferably in a double somersault, shattering its glass, and causing an explosion in the interior of the building where he lands. Images of explosions not caused by our enemies in Iraq might help in raising American spirits."

On being reminded that there were very few buildings left in Iraq that boasted unbroken glass windows, Willis said, "Well, we are here to reconstruct this country are we not? So let's rebuild those windows so we can throw some insurgent ass through them."

Mr. Willis pointed out the photographic potential inherent in evil-doers falling off tall buildings in a delightful ball of flailing arms and legs. "Are there any tall buildings here in Baghdad we could throw terrorists off", he inquired. "Unrestrained gravitational plummeting is extremely camera-friendly", he added.

Willis also diagnosed a fatal flaw in the Iraq war storyline. "If a movie has to have any chance of making it to the box office, the bad guys should be killed more often than the good guys. Wars pretty much work on the same principle. You guys need to work on that", he advised the troops.

In unrelated news, former Washington Post reporter and current government shill, Bob Woodward reports that President Bush is unconcerned with how history will judge his legacy, saying, "History is stuff that has already happened, so I wasn't gonna make it into History anyways."

Bush finds missing "Strategy for War" document

President Bush today announced that the document that outlines the strategy for winning the war in Iraq has finally been found on his ranch in Crawford after mysteriously going AWOL three years ago. The document, that had been missing ever since the beginning of the Iraq war, specifies American objectives in Iraq and contains detailed instructions on how to defeat the insurgency, strengthen Iraq's economy and mobilize international support for the war.

White House sources reveal that the document had been drafted at the beginning of the Iraq war, but had disappeared shortly thereafter, never to be seen again till now. Suspicions abound over what exactly happened to this extremely important piece of paper, without which, US forces in Iraq had to resort to muddling their way through the war in the absence of any orders being delivered by the military command.

Some White House insiders claim that the document was used in a treasure hunt at the Crawford Ranch by the First Family and then drifted into oblivion after no one claimed to have found it. Others assert that it was used as a scrawling pad to request a bathroom break by the President at a United Nations meeting, who then crumpled it up and used it as a projectile to assault Afghan President Hamid Karzai in a fit of peevishness after his request was denied by Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice.

To commemorate this momentous occasion, the President flew onto the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln on a fighter jet in full military attire. "Today will go down in history as the day when America finally rediscovered her plan on how to accomplish victory in Iraq", announced the President to a crowd of applauding homesick servicemen. "Mission accomplished. Seriously people, this time I'm not making things up."

The discovery of this document is sure to satisfy critics of the war in that the dismal failure of the Iraqi invasion was caused not by the lack of a plan, but by it's misplacement. It also explains the ever-too-frequent vacationing of the President at his ranch, ostensibly to clear brush, but which in reality, as we now know, was a major undercover operation to locate the missing document.

With coalition troops now back in possession of this document, the Sunnis, Shias and Kurds are expected to resolve their centuries old disagreements in a matter of days, quickly rebuild the dismantled Iraqi army and install a working democratic government by consensus, thus making it possible for coalition troops to pull out of the volatile region.

In unrelated news, identification of the bodies of Katrina victims has hit a hurdle with authorities admitting, "they all look alike".

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Why religious preachers need to be paid more

Among all the career professions in this world, I think the God people of Christianity have it the worst. When I say God people, I mean everyone who preaches Christianity, the neighbourhood pastor, the televangelists, even the Jehovah's witnesses who knock on your door when you are in the bathroom and refuse to accept that reason as an excuse to leave.

Why difficult, you ask? Because the fundamental basis of their careers is selling God to the masses. When you look at these people on television and in your neighbourhood churches, most of the time they are either trying to convince ordinary citizens that God loves them, or trying to convince those citizens to love God. These two activities form the crux of their professional life. But my point here is, how fucking difficult would a salesman's job be when he posseses no demonstrable evidence that the product he is selling even exists at all?

Imagine any other profession, say a car salesman, trying to sell you a car you can't see. Try to gauge the degree of difficulty he would have in carrying out his job. "This is an awesome vehicle, gives awesome mileage and will get you awesome ass in your backseat", the guy tells you. "The only problem is, I can't show it to you, and when you use it, you won't really know that you are using it. You've just got to trust me on this one, folks. Now how about showing me that check?" How much of an idiot would you have to be to buy a car from this guy? And how hard is it going to be for this guy to make ends meet? Yeah, he's got a pretty shitty deal.

Or consider job security. These people have dedicated their entire lives to a career that's based on the single premise that there exists a God. Not an abtract, semantic version of a Supreme being, but a God who actually exists as an entity with Jesus Christ as his messenger. Do they lie awake in bed at night having second thoughts about their career move? Do they often mumble to themselves, shit I really should have accepted that rocket scientist job offer, who knows if there even is a God? And how devastating would it be to these people when it is ultimately proven that God, as they've known Him for a while now, does not even exist?

Because, it's just a matter of time, you know. At some point in the near future, an MIT PhD candidate is going to wake up on saturday morning with a tremendous hangover and come up with a theory which conclusively debunks the entire concept of a God. So when this happens, would these people consider their lives to have been a huge fucking waste of time? Would they die with the knowledge that everything they've been doing till now has had no purpose, no real relevance whatsoever? It's a tough deal, man, it really is.

So what I'm saying is, give these people their due for choosing a profession that ultimately goes against any kind of business sense and sticking with it, no matter what. Because, even if these people are jackasses, they are jackasses with the hardest jobs in the world. Give them some compassion and that salary hike they so richly deserve.

Monday, November 28, 2005

The Supreme Court of India vilifies rape victims - II

In an earlier post, I had expressed my horror at the Indian Supreme Court's bizarre statement for the justification of a life sentence upon a father who was convicted of having raped his daughter. The bizarreness of the statement stemmed from the blatantly dehumanizing attitude of the Supreme Court towards rape victims. As I said in my post, the ruling clarifies the Supreme Court's view towards rape victims as being the following :

1.> Rape destroys the soul of a woman.
2.> Rape jeopardizes a woman's chances of marriage.
3.> Rape carries with it an "indelible" social stigma and "deathless" shame upon the victim.
4.> Rape turns a woman into damaged goods.
Pretty strangely worded material for something that issued out of the highest court in the country. And now, it turns out that the convicted man had been falsely accused of rape by his daughter, who had been bullied into it by her mother, whose relationship with the man had been somewhat strained, to say the least. This adds an entirely new perspective to the case. If you scrutinize the Supreme Court's statement some more, this is what you'll notice:

The court said, “no girl of self respect and dignity who is conscious of her chastity and having expectations of married life and livelihood would accuse falsely against any person of rape, much less against her father, sacrificing thereby her chastity and also expose the entire family to shame and at risk of condemnation and ostracisation by the society”.
Before, the Supreme Court's statement merely showcased the amazingly quaint and backward attitude it held towards rape victims. Now, with this new evidence that has seen the light of day, it appears that this attitude of the court might even threaten to jeopardize the objectivity of its judgement while administering justice. Note the basis of the Court's supreme confidence in the father's guilt. It was persuaded not by any additional evidence that proved that the rape had been committed, but by the Court's blighted mentality wherein it believed that the daughter would not have made a false accusation because of the detrimental effect her accusation would have on her own life.

In other words, the Supreme Court ruled with it's heart and not with it's head. Its treatment of rape as a life-ending occurrence clouded it's judgement and caused an innocent person to be convicted of a serious charge.

This is a matter of amazing gravity, much more serious than merely being the issue of the highest court in the land having a chauvinistic attitude towards rape. It brings into question the mental stability of Supreme court judges and their ability to sift through available evidence objectively and make an educated decision without falling a prey to their own prehistoric belief structure.

It raises fundamental questions about the selection of Supreme Court judges, their backgrounds and qualifications and the lack of interest in the process in India, as compared to the US, where it is considered to be a matter of paramount significance and of vital public interest.

CNN's Anderson Cooper to be replaced by dancing monkeys

Disappointed with the mediocre viewership garnered by Anderson Cooper's show, "360°" currently running on the 10:00 p.m primetime slot, CNN has cancelled it effective immediately, intending it to be replaced by monkeys doing the tango (via Atrios).

Beginning in November, Anderson Cooper had replaced Aaron Brown, who, even though being one of mainstream media's more sober, thoughtful, fact-oriented and unbiased news anchors, was hampered by his uncompromising refusal to engage in audience-grabbing histrionics during his show. CNN therefore, was forced to cancel Aaron Brown's Newsnight, opting to replace it with Anderson Cooper, who had done such an incredible job of covering Hurricane Katrina's aftermath that audiences watching his live reporting of the tragedy were sure to be moved to tears, regardless of whether they knew who or what Katrina was.

However, with Cooper's
360° starting off on a dismal note, capturing only 73% of Newsnight's viewership, CNN is now rethinking it's strategy for the 10:00 p.m spot, after reaching the obvious conclusion that Anderson Cooper, even with his unauthenticated mane of white hair, boyish good looks and flamboyant personality was not enough to capture the attention of American audiences, most of whom have an attention span equivalent to that of a worker ant on PMS.

CNN initially came up with the idea of filling the post-Cooper primetime spot with a show featuring Fox News highlights of Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter giving Alan Colmes a wedgie on its show Hannity & Colmes, but this plan was scrapped after it was revealed that Fox News was coming up with its own show based on the same premise. Shortly thereafter, CNN announced that the 10:00 spot would be taken over by a news program involving a troupe of dancing monkeys with a news ticker in the background.

"Viewer polls have consistently revealed that there is a growing market for a news program that could potentially combine the sheer entertainment value of a dancing simian with coverage of current affairs", said CNN president Jonathan Klein. "We are glad to report that we have beaten Fox News in the race for such a show."

The Fox News Channel, in reply to CNN's newest addition to their primetime lineup, has announced that the O'Reilly Factor will now feature Bill O'Reilly in a no-holds-barred immigrant hunt in the Arizona desert, which will then be followed by hard-hitting coverage of O'Reilly skinning and roasting his human prey over an open fire while he pleasures himself lovingly to a picture of the American flag.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Calcutta rickshaws to be replaced by energy efficient taxis

Calcutta today decreed a law stating that human powered rickshaws were henceforth forbidden from operating within city limits due to moral issues involved in a human being transporting another human being on the strength of his own muscles. (via Amit)

Following the issuance of this ordinance, the mayor of Calcutta ordered all rickshaws to be taken off the roads immediately, to be replaced by energy efficient taxicabs, which would be provided to all rickshaw operators deprived of their livelihood due to the implementation of this new law. These new taxis are reportedly state of the art transportation machines, able to operate on a miniscule energy requirement, pollution free and bereft of any additional operating costs.

The Energy Efficient Taxi, or as it is called, the EET, is remarkably easy to operate. For the EET to embark on it's voyage, the operator needs to depress the ON button, also known colloquially as a "pedal", which operates certain levers within the cavernous interior of the cab and propels it forward. In case the terrain to be navigated is not level or does not consist of a downslope, the "pedal" might be required to be depressed a number of times in quick succession. The vehicle may be conveniently halted in its progress by reducing the pressure on the "pedal" and simultaneously applying brakes, which can be found on the handlebars of the taxicab.

In addition to being eco friendly, this new breed of taxicabs threatens to overwhelm conventional methods of transport like buses and trains by it's sheer wallet-friendliness. Travelers in Calcutta expressed their support for these new taxicabs, adding the opinion that previously, with the human powered rickshaws, they had been experiencing moral conflicts caused by being transported by a fellow human being, which were now solved by the elimination of the human factor due to the introduction of this revolutionary new pedal technology.

In other news, with August 27 being declared as an auspicious day for women to go into labor, New Delhi is preparing to deal with monster jams and traffic on that day, consisting of people traveling to area hospitals in order to deliver their babies.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

First Family swamped with thousands of Thanksgiving uninvites

On the eve of Thanksgiving, President Bush and the First Family have been bombarded with thousands of fictional letters refusing admission to Thanksgiving dinners throughout the country. These numerous uninvites, from members of the electorate who voted him into office in 2004, all seek to inform the President that the imaginary invitation to their Thanksgiving dinners this thursday has been withdrawn.

During the 2004 election, a number of Republican voters who had expressed their dog-like devotion and support for the president because of his "regular guy" persona, had, in their minds, conjured up figmental scenarios where they would be inviting the president into their homes once he was elected, on the occasion of Thanksgiving. However, after the disastrous performance of his presidency, along with growing public mistrust of the President himself, most of these people have since changed their minds about hob-nobbing with the leader of the free world.

"Georgie sure seemed a decent un' to break bread with, and afterwards, share a cold beer with, while sitting on the porch watching the sun set", commented one Russ Miller of South Bend, Indiana. "Now I wouldn't invite the goshdarned lyin' son of a gun into my town, leave alone my home. No Thanksgiving turkey for you, Mr. President", raged the disapproving gentleman.

Analysts say that if this trend of anti-Bush sentiment continues through winter, the president can look forward to being uninvited from numerous imaginary summer barbeques as well. Although data is inconclusive, it also seems fairly certain that Americans would much rather not flip burgers with Mr Bush anymore or allow him free access to their businesses and bank accounts.

In unrelated news, the ACLU has stepped up to fight on the behalf of practising members of the Ungrateful Community who claim to be discriminated against by being forced to celebrate Thanksgiving every year.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

African nations hold concert to fight against infant mortality in the US

A consortium of African nations, including Somalia, Ethiopia, Zambia and the Democratic Republic of Congo are joining hands in expressing support for a world-wide effort to fight infant mortality in the US by holding a concert for the cause. This concert is an attempt to harness public opinion in the fight against tiny toys, which are reportedly the leading cause of mortality in American toddlers.

The concert, tentatively named as "Toys R'nt Us", will be held in Darfur, Sudan, where thousands of African children have also died, although of relatively minor causes like genocide and malnutrition. The concert will be telecast live throughout the world, except in the US, where television networks have been explicitly ordered to keep any references to Sudan and the mass murder of it's citizens off the air in order to shield Americans from the senseless violence raging outside the boundaries of their own country.

President Abdullahi Yusuf Ahmed of Somalia will personally inaugurate the concert, which will feature such acclaimed African acts like "The Dancing WitchDoctors of Addis Ababa" and "Jennifer Lopez and the Starvin' Marvins".

"The children of America are dying in tens, if not the twenties, every year due to strangulation, choking and other first-worldly reasons caused by dangerous toys", warned a misty-eyed Abdullahi Yusuf Ahmed. "Unless something is done soon, that country's population will soon disappear off the face of Iraq."

The proceeds of the concert, mostly in earthen utensil form, will be donated to various charities such as World Against Toys Causing Harm, or W.A.T.C.H, which has already issued a list of ten toys that will cause the most toddler deaths in the US this holiday season.

President Bush has expressed his gratitude at this African initiative. "We appreciate the concern shown by the good skinny residents of Africa towards the welfare of our children. Unless Africa helps us today to save our children from these killer toys, they might not grow up to be adults who attack oil-bearing nations while turning a blind eye to genocidal dictatorships in Africa."

In unrelated news, in wake of the Catholic Church's decision to brand the theory of Intelligent Design as pseudo-science, the Rev. Pat Robertson has called for the assassination of the Pope.

Growing anti-war feeling leads to hopes of Zarqawi capture

Rapidly falling Presidential approval ratings, as well as a growing anti-war movement in the US has led to a corresponding hope that the notorious terrorist Al-Zarqawi might have been killed in a terror raid carried out by coalition troops in Iraq.

This seemingly unrelated hopefulness pervading the country would not seem so irrational if one were to look at previous instances when the President seemed to have lost the support of the American public. Ever since the beginning of the Iraq war, everytime Americans have raised a ruckus regarding the mishandling of the war, coalition troops have miraculously appeared to have succeeded in capturing numerous high level Al Qaida operatives.

This highly predictable trend between dips in the president's approval ratings and subsequent captures of high level terrorists has people bearing high hopes that the latest terror raid might have resulted in the capture of Al Zarqawi himself. The logic behind it being that with the president currently being subjected to the greatest amount of hatred and mistrust from the American people ever since he was elected, the terrorist being captured would have to be among the top echelons of Al Qaida's hierarchy, most probably, Zarqawi, who is reportedly the Al Qaida leader in Iraq.

When asked to comment, Presidential man-whore Scott McClellan replied, "Usually, when faced with a disaffected electorate, our official strategy has been to raise terror alert levels in order to get people back in line. But lately, when we've been doing that, the president has begun to have nightmares, so we stopped that practice."

In other news, realizing the potential of "doors" in preventing an exodus of people from rooms, President Bush has initiated the construction of numerous such "doors" on the Iraq-Syria border in order to deter insurgents from exiting Syria and entering Iraq.

Monday, November 21, 2005

The Supreme Court of India vilifies rape victims

MumbaiGirl points us towards this bit of news in the Indian Express about a father who was convicted of raping his daughter and got a life sentence in the process. This is what the Supreme Court of India, which adjudicated the matter, says, while justifying it's decision to award a life sentence to the accused :

Observing that even in ordinary criminal terminology a rape is a crime more heinous than murder as it destroys the very soul of the hapless woman, Justice Sema writing the judgement for the Bench, said, “this is more so when the perpetrator of the grave crime is the father of the victim”.
“Father is the fortress, refuge and trustee of his daughter. By betraying the trust and taking undue advantage of the trust reposed in him by the daughter. He ravished the chastity of his daughter, jeopardised her future prospect of getting married, enjoying marital and conjugal life, has been totally devastated,” the Bench observed.
Not only that, she carries an indelible social stigma on her head and deathless shame as long as she lives,” it added.
So, this is what the Supreme Court thinks about rape. These are the views with regard to rape of the highest judicial body in the country, entrusted with the task of protecting women from sexual discrimination, and which, under normal circumstances, should be a pioneer in the propagation of progressive values.

1.> Rape destroys the soul of a woman.
2.> Rape jeopardizes a woman's chances of marriage.
3.> Rape carries with it an "indelible" social stigma and "deathless" shame upon the victim.
4.> Rape turns a woman into damaged goods.

Is this fucking for real? Why would the Supreme Court insert these statements into it's ruling? Why would it try to reinforce the social stigma attached to rape, which, even though is in no way the woman's fault, is already a burden the woman has to carry in life just because society presses her into doing so?

In issuing this statement, the Supreme Court of India sounds more like the prejudiced prospective groom of the blighted woman, who is refusing her hand in marriage when informed of her status as a former rape victim, rather than the hallowed administrator of justice it actually is supposed to be.

We are not ostriches with our heads in the sand. We know that there are some realities in Indian society which cannot be erased by merely staying quiet, and not putting them into words. But what the Supreme Court has accomplished with this extremely bizarre statement is, that it has made discrimination against rape victims official. It has put the government stamp of approval on society looking down upon the victims of this heinous crime. It has officially condemned rape victims to live the rest of their lives as lesser human beings. This is an extremely reprehensible act on the part of the Supreme Court.

Rape, by itself, even without the social stigma and diminished marital prospects of the victim, is a horrible crime in itself. It is a crime of violence and coercion. The Supreme Court could have highlighted just those aspects of the crime, while ommitting any mention of all the quaint societal prejudices that come along with it.

In my opinion, the Supreme Court, in it's infinite wisdom, has just set back the women's rights movement in India by about 500 years. If Indians cannot look up to the Supreme Court as a beacon of hope towards a progressive society, who should they look up to?

Update : The situation becomes even more bizarre.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Celebrity Blogs revolutionize the showcasing of fan apathy

The relatively new craze of blogs written by Indian film celebrities has revolutionized the communication of fan apathy to these same celebrities by breaking down the barriers in fan-celebrity interaction.

Before the advent of celebrity blogs, the only way Indians could express their lack of interest in Bollywood films and actors was to broach the topic with members of their intimate circle of family and friends. Now, with celebrity blogging rising to prominence as the best way to publicize a Bollywood film, it's beneficial effects have trickled down to the Bollywood fan population, which now has an outlet to vent it's indifference, apathy, and even revulsion in the comments sections of these blogs.

Bipasha Basu, one of the few Indian film celebrities who started a blog to publicize her new film, has been one of the first to be fortunate enough to get fan feedback regarding her films, her acting, her writing, her ravishing body and the numerous ways it's supple elements could be used to satisfy the carnal cravings of a devoutly lustful fan base.

A commenter on the blog elaborated on the lack of effect the blog has had on her lack of interest in watching Basu's films. "im not watching this damn movie just because i saw this stupid blog :P go and get some creative ideas!! people suck", ranted the irate commenter, curiously extending the suckiness of the actress to include all of humanity.

Another commenter advised the actress to utilize her blog to showcase herself as a person instead of merely using it as a tool to pimp her new movie. Yet another fan expressed the opinion, albeit with no proof, that this blog might not be a product of the literary prowess of the actress herself, but that of her PR agent.

However, there were many fans who took the opportunity to express their support for the actress. One fan was happy that women such as she existed in India, who were willing to follow their own path in life regardless of a conservative societal attitude. "And please to tell me how tall you are", the metrologically obsessed fan added.

The blog has also inspired a number of fans to set up their own websites deprecating the Indian film industry. "Help in my with me abt stupid bollywood things", commented one Bollywood fan.

In other news, the new Harry Potter movie will be released in theaters this weekend, which, hopefully, will finally answer the question left unaddressed in the previous sequel, namely, will Hermione Granger finally attain the hotchickhood she has consistently shown the promise of achieving in previous films?

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Iraqi torture facilities still sub-par, US troops to stay on

The Republican controlled Senate voted against a bill proposed by Democrats to demand that President Bush set a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq, citing the reason that torture facilities in Iraq were still below pre-invasion standards of atrocious cruelty.

Speaking at a press briefing, President Bush praised the Senate's vote. "If we pull out of Iraq today, thousands of worthy Iraqi citizens will go untortured or be exposed to dismal standards of torture", said the President. "For Iraqi life to return back to normal, it is necessary for facilities to be rebuilt that would maintain the same terrible level of human rights violations that used to be the norm during Saddam Hussain's regime."

Bayan Jabr, the Iraqi interior minister agreed with President Bush's assessment of the pathetic state of sub-brutal authoritarianism of the government currently existing in the fledgeling nation. "Nobody has been beheaded or killed yet during torture," lamented the glum interior minister during a news conference on thursday, adding that only seven of 170 detainees showed any marks of torture at all. "And we haven't yet mastered the American art of delicately arranging naked prisoners in complex three dimensional geometric layouts. However, with rigorous training in modern techniques of savagery currently being imparted to our militiamen by the coalition forces, we hope to get up to speed pretty soon", he concluded hopefully.

To aid coalition forces in their monumental task, President Bush has promised to dispatch the Vice President Dick Cheney to Iraq, where he will hold hands-on training sessions to instruct budding monsters on how to disembowel recalcitrant prisoners, using nothing but nails and fangs.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Female apartheid or guys playing fort?

I came across this post by MumbaiGirl (via DesiPundit) wherein she bemoans the banishment of menstruating women from Hindu religious activities like poojas. I can understand why she would tend to look at it as if it were a form of sexism, discrimination against women, or as she calls it, a case of female apartheid. She makes a convincing case for discriminating against everyone suffering from any kind of bodily functions involving fluid ejection, from all religious festivities. Yes, I can see her point.

The reason why menstruating women are not allowed into temples supposedly has something to do with women being considered to be impure during that time. This, of course, is pure hogwash and a product of superstitious minds. What could be more ridiculous than considering a woman to be impure when she passes through a phase critical to the "holy" act of birthgiving? It is indefensible and a load of crap. But here is my view on this, which I am sure many of you might not agree with.

I do not consider the expulsion of menstruating women from religious rituals any more superstitious than the actual religious ritual itself.

Think about the origins of both these things : The pooja and the menstrual stigma. Long long ago some Hindu from a higher stratum of society, most definitely male, stood on the roof of his house with a microphone and said that everybody, from now on, would be obligated to worship this stone that he had just brought into his house. Otherwise bad things would befall them. And that beginning today, he would be known as a "Pujari", his house a "Mandir" and that he would be accepting "Bhiksha" from all you "Gullible Fools" for the privilege of worshipping this newly deified stone, which, from now on, would be known as The Stone, with a capital S.

And then along came a maiden who happened to be menstruating heavily, her sari stained with the byproducts of her abstinence, and asked to be led to The Stone in order to receive her day's worth of blessing. The pujari, who happened to be a squeamish fellow, having led a sheltered kind of life owing to a privileged upbringing, yelled at her, "Jesus Christ in heaven, woman! Are you hurt or something? What makes you bleed in this bizarre fashion?" The startled maiden shrank from his accusing gaze and replied, "Pujari ji, this happens once every month no, what to do, hurts like hell too, especially in the morning."

The pujari, not having been educated by his mother on these matters, promptly assumed that it was a curse that had come upon the maiden, and refused to let her into the inner sanctorium of the mandir, commanding her to come back after the curse had been lifted. Because allowing a bleeding, cursed woman into the presence of The Holy Stone, hell who knew what Pandora's box that might open?

And then when this first ever Hindu pujari lay on his deathbed, and his son, the next generation pujari asked him if he had any final words of wisdom to impart before he departed for the eternal afterlife, the old guy whispered, "Son, remember these words because they are extremely important. Never, I mean, never ever let a bleeding woman into the mandir. Oh, and also, remember to water the banana tree at least twice a day." And then, he died, passing on this foolish legacy on to the next generation, who, in it's turn, passed it on to the next one, creating a chain of superstition that had been started by one man's squeamishness for blood.

And so, it came to be that this requirement of a menstruating woman to be shunned by society during any kind of religious activity took root and was propagated through blind obedience and faith. But now my question to all women is, do you really want to be a part of these religious activities that essentially are just a reminder of how organized religion has always tried to put your kind down? Look at all the three major religions of the world and how they treat their women.

Religion, after all, has been a big game of pretense and exclusion, invented by men to exclude other men and women from their community, a circle of elitism, so to speak. And one of the intrinsic rules of this game happens to be to stigmatize women on their period. Think about small boys playing a game of fort with all kinds of pillow cushions having been arranged to form a fortified enclosure, with all the boys sitting inside their pretend fort, awaiting a pretend enemy attack. But one of the boys, who happens to be a newcomer not armed with a working knowledge of the rules of the game, tries to enter the fort, not through the door, which is a gap left conveniently open between two cushions, but by climbing over the cushion itself. The other boys say "Hey, you can't do that, you've got to enter through the door here." The newcomer, perplexed, inquires, "Why the heck not", and the others look at him as if he were some kind of a retard, and tell him "'Cause that's the rules, stupid. This is the door, you've got to enter through here. And you cannot enter this fort if you are bleeding from any orifice. That's another rule. You have to obey these rules, otherwise, you are out of the game." And the newcomer blindly obeys.

Then, another of their rules is that no girls are allowed in this game of fort. But when confronted with this rule, do girls demand to be included in their silly game? No, they just go get comfortable with their own coterie and play their own game of .. hell, whatever it is that they play. I was never privy to that stuff.

So what can women do about being excluded from religious rituals? Change the rules, you say? But if you change this rule, aren't you really striking at the foundation of religion? Because if you say this rule is invalid, always has been invalid, then what's to prevent me from questioning the validity of every other rule and precept of the religion? What makes religion as a whole, valid at all?

If you were to question the legitimacy of the rule that jumping over a cushion was not allowed, and that you had to enter the fort through the labelled "door", wouldn't it challenge the very existence of the fort, which, since it's just a game, wouldn't stand up to it?

Which is why religions as organized entities, are resistant to change and maintain a fanatical status quo on many of their core beliefs, no matter how ignorant or irrational.

So, basically, what I am saying is this. If the game of religion has rules that do not allow you to do certain things, hell, invent your own religion with it's own eccentric symbolisms. Timothy McVeigh did that, didn't he, after he was shunned by society? Although to be fair, the only precept of his religion seemed to be bombing the FBI building in Oklahoma City. But you could come up with some better ideas than he did. And disallow men from participating. Those bastards need to be taught a lesson, yeah?

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Bin Laden raises terror alert level in Amman

Following the terror attacks in Amman, Sheikh Osama Bin Laden, notorious terrorist and leader of the repressed world, has raised the terror alert level in Jordan to red, standing for "There's a suicide bomber in your backyard".

Appearing on television, the terrorist leader vowed to bomb more hotels that were acting as centers for American and Western diplomats. He further encouraged people to buy a lot of duct tape in case he decided to go with mustard gas at the last minute.

Critics of Bin Laden have taken issue with his raising of the terror level. Some claim that Bin Laden is using the terror alert system as a weapon of leverage and using scaremongering tactics to shore up his falling approval ratings among the local populace, that are currently at an all-time low in the wake of the recent Al-Qaida perpetrated bomb attacks. If that were really Bin Laden's goal, then it has seemed to have succeeded. While only 30% of Jordanians now say that they would be willing to carry out terrorist attacks for their leader, a full 100% say they would do so if the alternative were to get attacked instead.

Bin Laden has denied these charges of trying to scare people into terrorism by raising the terror level for no valid reason. He claims that the terror level has been raised due to credible information of terrorists operating in the area, those terrorists being under his command.

In other news, President Bush is scheduled to visit Mongolia as a part of the "No-Protest Tour" of countries that do not hate America enough to organize widespread protests at his visit.

Monday, November 14, 2005

God vetoes bill authorizing obliteration of Dover, PA

In an unexpected move, The Almighty God And Creator of All that Exists and Used to Exist used His power of veto to quash the bill passed by the Heavenly Assembly to unleash death and destruction upon the small town of Dover, Pennsylvania. Dover, PA was recently in the news when the town school board, which had voted to incorporate the teaching of Intelligent Design in the school curriculum, was soundly defeated in board elections by an informed citizenry. This led to the Rev. Pat Robertson, the Right Hand of God, and Heavenly Tool of Ecstasy, to file a request in the Assembly seeking immediate annihilation of the town on the charge of being Godless infidels.

The bill then passed the critical perusal of most Heavenly lawmakers, except the angel Baglis, who was reportedly suffering from a severe addiction to Dover crab apple pies, and was about to be signed into law when God threw a spanner into the works. "After careful scrutiny of the bill and pondering upon the merits of the facts on the basis of which this bill rests, I have concluded that there exists insufficient evidence of any wrongdoing on behalf of the good citizens of Dover that would justify unleashing of any kind of plague upon them", said God. "Therefore, I must, albeit regretfully, exercize my legally assigned power of veto to override this bill. Unless the Rev Robertson can come up with demonstrable evidence of miscreancy, like, for example, unclean thoughts on the part of any individual in Dover pertaining to murder or other items of sin forbidden by the Ten Commandments, this bill shall remain in purgatory where it belongs".

God then rebuked the Reverend for bringing up frivolous items for the Assembly's consideration and wasting it's time that could have been better utilized drawing out a list of utterly painful maltreatments awaiting the President of America, George W Bush in Hell once his earthly existence reaches it's final conclusion.

This is the first time that God has had to exercize his power of veto on the Assembly since His vetoes of Jerry Falwell's bill condemning all homosexuals to death after the 9/11 terrorist attacks and that of the homosexual community condemning Jerry Falwell to a life of homosexuality shortly thereafter.

The Reverend, on being informed about God's decision, has vowed to fight the decision, even to the extent of bringing it to the notice of the Dark Lord, Satan who operates out of his headquarters in Camden, New Jersey.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Why the Jordan bombings might be a turning point in history

Al Qaida has fucked up. They've fucked up big time. And here is why. Let's say, hypothetically, that President Bush is right when he claims that Al Qaida's objective, in the long run, is to eliminate the Western way of life, or because they just like to kill for fun, or because they are just plain jealous of the West, or because they feel every citizen of the planet needs to follow the rule of the Sharia. Lets assume that all these reasons, although improbable, might still be true. Lets also believe, this theory being more plausible than all the previous ones enumerated earlier, that their objective is to run the US and every Western country out of the Middle Eastern oil fields and to end US support for the military dictatorships currently ruling over most of the Arab population. So, Al Qaida's plan to achieve this objective, would aim at alienating large sections of the Muslim population against the United States. But this time, they have bombed an Arab country, which till recently, while not overtly supporting Osama Bin Laden, was still pretty sympathetic to his cause, in fact, not even willing to believe that he was reponsible for the 9/11 attacks. Most Jordanians were also against the war in Iraq. But now, with Al Qaida setting of bombs in Jordan, things have changed. Jordanians are marching down Amman streets proclaiming their opposition to Zarqawi and his terrorist activities.

And you can see that Al Qaida has realized that it fucked up. Because they have issued a clarification statement. They have tried to justify the attack saying those hotels were targeted because they had become favourites with "American and Israeli intelligence and other Western European governments". When is the last time you've heard Al Qaida justify anything to Arabs? But this time they have had to do it because they have seen the result of their attack on the local population. They know that if they lose the sympathy of Jordanians, its quite possible that Muslims in other Arab countries might begin to develop similar feelings about the organization. This is their effort to try and put out a giant wave of anti-militancy feelings that have begun to take root in Jordan with this bombing.

The United States must seize this opportunity to try and make up with the Arabs. They need to do whatever needs to be done in order to turn the tables on Al Qaida in this "battle for the hearts and minds" of the Arabs. Because right now, Al Qaida's PR machine must be whirring like crazy to try and reduce the damage caused to their image in the minds of Arabs. If they lose the support of Arabs, that might even turn out to be the "victory in the war on terror" our president is so fond of talking about.

Speaking in purely clinical terms, the bombings in Jordan were more significant than the ones in England a few weeks ago. True, both caused a huge loss of life and destruction, but politically speaking, the ones that occurred in Jordan have more significance. Because, this is the time for the West to shore up good will among the Arabs by visibly demonstrating their support for Jordan at this time. Unfortunately, we do not see the same outrage over the bomb blasts in Jordan that was on display during similar bombings in England. The US should assure Jordan that it has it's full support for finding out the perpetrators of these attacks. This could quite well be the turning point for Arabs as well as the US in it's quest to win the war on terrorism by bringing that volatile part of the world on it's side.

Update : Zarqawi gets ostracized by his own people.
"If there were still any people with any sympathy left for al-Zarqawi, it's gone now. It has backfired on him," said Zuheir Najjar, 45. "What does an attack on a wedding with women and children have to do with fighting the Americans?"
Although to be fair, there are still the incorrigibles.

"I don't even know if the man is still alive or not," Abed el-Momany said of al-Zarqawi. "I would not discount the Israeli Mossad. Israel is the worm in the Arab world," he added.

"I support the resistance against the Americans in Iraq and against the Israelis everywhere," said the unemployed 47-year-old. "Those are our enemies. But I don't support bombing innocent civilians."
Update 2 : It appears the US has displayed some semblance of compassion by sending Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to Jordan. And we should probably be thankful that the president, in his infinite wisdom refrained from sending proven douchepurse Karen Hughes to mourn with these folks.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Aural pandemic on the way, warns the Department of Musical Health

The Department of Musical Health (DMH) has warned that a major aural pandemic could be on the way due to transmission of bad musical tastes through used Ipods. Piper Jaffray Analysts, a legitimate firm with an illegitimate sounding name, claim that about 30 percent of Ipod purchasers are repeat buyers, who have the potential to act as aural carriers when they transfer ownership of their used Ipods to a different user.

These new users are then at a huge risk of being infected by the lack of musical judgement on the part of the previous owner of their Ipod. Analysts say the people highest at risk of being turned on to infernally bad music are the friends and family of the original user, who become inadvertant victims of the hand-me-down music syndrome.

Most Ipod users, says the DMH, do not bother wiping their Ipods clean of their music before passing it on to a different user. A lot of times, this leads to a perpetuation of audio files that should have been exterminated during the transfer. When new owners come in contact with this contaminated music, they might accidentally consume it out of curiousity, and might even get turned on to it. Many new owners have complained that they used to listen to rock music, and then the Ipod they purchased had rap music on it, and now they just can't get enough of dat shit, yo.

Also, many previous rap music lovers have been converted into Backstreet Boys fans and have been ostracized by their hood. Violence has sometimes erupted with accusations of being a sissyboy and a wannabe honky being thrown around after someone was spotted headbanging to "I want it that way" in his new Volkswagen Beetle.

The DMH has exhorted used Ipod sellers to delete all the music on their Ipod before transferring it to a new owner because, quote, we do not want to turn into an entire nation of Macarena lovers, unquote.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

President organizes mass surrender of Al Qaida members in New York mass transit

President Bush, in a bold new initiative to fight terrorism, has organized a mass surrender of Al Qaida members in New York City (via WTF). The President has issued an open invite to all members of Al Qaida scattered throughout the world to visit New York City on September 11 2006, and added an assurance that everybody who surrenders on that day along with their weapons and strap-on bombs, would be provided amnesty and a free subway pass to travel around the city for one full day.

In order to discourage fake terrorists from trying to avail of this offer, a checkpoint will be set up at JFK airport, where potential Al Qaida members will be required to demonstrate their famed ruthlessness and thirst for infidel blood before being admitted into the country. In order to avoid making these men feel out of place or self conscious about being head-chopping suicide-bombing terrorists, surveillance cameras will temporarily be turned off all over the city. In addition, authenticated terrorists will be provided with detailed maps of New York with the city's major tourist and financial landmarks clearly marked on them, in order to enhance their New York experience.

Newly elected Republican mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg, has supported the President's initiative. New York tourism has been down since 9/11, he said, and this initiative might just be the shot in the arm it needs. Or a bomb in the bus.

Democrats have expressed cautious reserve about this plan, saying this smells like some kind of a sneaky scheme by the president to boost his sinking approval ratings, but they just can't seem to figure out what it could be.

Anti-torture Senator to be dispatched to inspect secret CIA torture chambers

Vice President Dick Cheney today announced that recent revelations about secret CIA torture chambers being maintained in Eastern Europe by the US were extremely troubling, to say the least, and that he would be sending Republican Senator John McCain to Eastern Europe to investigate the matter.

Sen. McCain, who has been in the forefront of the anti-torture movement in the US Congress, and has launched a scathing attack on these torture chambers, has agreed to the vice president's request. He will reportedly be departing shortly for these "black sites", which upto now, were known only to the president and a handful of top officials in the CIA. The Press is puzzling over this uncharacteristically quick response from the Vice President, who has, till now, actively lobbied members of Congress and tried to dissuade them from voting for a bill that would forbid the CIA from using torture on enemy combatants. The Vice President is also trying to determine the source of the media leak about the existence of these torture sites, the source alleged to be a Republican senator.

McCain has been asked to pack all his clothes and belongings for his trip to Eastern Europe, which, Mr Cheney has said, could be extended indefinitely for an unknown period of time. The senator has also been asked to bring along with him a reasonable dosage of pain killers, anti-depressants, bandages and an extra set of toenails in order to combat the jetlag that he is sure to experience once he gets there. In case of any medical emergencies befalling the senator during his trip, he has also been asked to complete a detailed questionnaire about any pre-existing medical conditions he might have, or things he might be allergic to, like electric current flowing through his testicles. Sen. McCain will also write his last will and testament before he departs, on orders from the White House, which maintains this to be a new requirement to be fulfilled by all American citizens before they embark on trips to Eastern Europe.

On being asked how he felt about the trip, the senator replied cheerfully, "I am looking forward to it. I have always wanted to travel to Eastern Europe ever since the fall of the Berlin Wall. I might even visit Prague, which I've heard is wonderful this time of the year." The senator was then handcuffed for his own safety, in case the plane should experience turbulence, and whisked inside.

In other news, a terrorist plot was foiled in Australia after an Al Qaida cell, frustrated with it's inability to find any targets worth bombing in Australia, finally put out a newspaper ad asking fellow citizens to come up with ideas.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Indian actress upset at digitally altered photo

Meghna Naidu, the prominent Indian actress, was reportedly upset about her photo being digitally altered in an inappropriate way. The actress complained that in order to mitigate the hideous disfigurement of her appearance, the risque photograph had been stripped of her face, leaving behind only her scantily clad torso, with her face being replaced by a coffee cup.

By the time this article went to press, the already altered photo had it's appearance further improved by being stripped of Meghna Naidu's torso, which was then replaced by a coffee table. The final photograph has now been framed and is being sold in K-Mart stores nationwide as part of the Martha Stewart Casual Dining collection.

Kansas residents proud to be products of incest

The Kansas Education Board today voted to support the teaching of Intelligent Design, or, as it is called in the scientific community, the "Blame it on God" theory, in school classrooms alongside evolution. The theory of Intelligent Design, which basically states that anything that is too complex for your puny brain to grasp must have causes too deep and impenetrable for everyone else to grasp as well, believes that God created Adam and Eve about 5000 years ago and that all humans are therefore, direct descendants of the First Couple.

By affirming Intelligent Design, Kansas has proudly voiced it's support for incest, thus confirming suspicions the rest of the country already had about most of it's inhabitants. Since Adam and Eve were the only two people on the planet, for mankind to have propagated, it would have been necessary for everyone to mate with their siblings, thus leading to the conclusion that everybody on the planet is a product of incest.

While the theory of evolution successfully explains the origin and development of life on the planet, it has failed to find a receptive audience in Kansas, where the population often looks to it's schools to reaffirm their own pre-existing views on scientific, religious and cultural matters. Since evolution does not provide a moral justification for incest, it has been vociferously rejected by citizens for being culturally out of touch with the ground reality in that state.

Many Kansas residents were happy with the vote that officially validated their inbred lifestyle. A Kansas resident when asked to comment replied, "The state edumacation board dun good by the progalateriat . Now if it woulda only passed a law sayun Eve coulda been a goat, it be darn tootin."

In related news, the school board that voted to teach Intelligent Design in Dover, Pennsylvania, and then had parents file a lawsuit against it, was ousted in school board elections, causing members of the school board as well as Rick Santorum, the Republican senator from Pennsylvania, to move to Kansas.

Update : I have noticed that my blog audience includes at least one reader from Kansas. Since you, Sir, are reading my blog, you probably do not subscribe to the views of the rest of Kansas and hence, are exempt from my criticism.

Pharyngula bids adieu to Kansas. (via The Thescian).

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Oil companies announce cash production restored to pre-hurricane levels

A nervous nation finally breathed a sigh of relief on Exxon Mobil's announcement that cash production had finally been restored to a level commensurate to that before hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast. Cash production facilities, which had been dealt a significant blow by the assault of hurricanes Katrina and Rita on Texas and Louisiana, are now reported to be operating at peak production schedules again.

The rise in cash production has also led to a corresponding drop in gas prices, causing consumers to celebrate. An Exxon Mobil spokesman, on being asked to comment replied, "The dual effect of increased demand for gas because of the holiday driving season and hurricane Katrina had caused an acute shortage of cash in company coffers, requiring the company to raise gas prices through the roof. However, Exxon, through increased drilling operations in consumer pockets, has now managed to rebuild it's cash inventory so that consumers can now enjoy the transferred benefit of falling gas prices."

President Bush on being notified about the good news remarked, "Now that oil company executives have managed to secure a college education for their kids, it is time for the rest of the country to reap the benefits of peak cash production."

Oil companies have forecast a mostly sunny outlook for cash production during the coming cold winter months, when most American homes require to be heated using oil or natural gas. However, in case of a cash inventory depletion due to unforeseen circumstances like contributing to Republican election campaigns, Exxon has assured consumers that cash levels will be augmented by squeezing consumers' balls.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Shrine to tolerance built in India as a refuge from intolerant rioters

The Akshardham temple which reportedly cost about 45 million dollars to build, was recently opened to the public in New Delhi, India. This temple, which has been called a "shrine to tolerance", will be invaluable to citizens of New Delhi as a sanctuary, while fleeing from intolerant rioters.

The Swaminarayan sect that built the shrine, also owns another temple in Gujarat, the Indian state that has seen an enormous amount of religious rioting in the past few years. The success of this temple in Gujarat as a fortress against berserk fundamentalists led to the construction of this newer temple in New Delhi, which was also a scene of rioting against Sikhs in 1984, and more recently, a victim of multiple bomb blasts carried out by religious terrorists.

The temple is constructed of bright pink sandstone, intended to blind the eyesight of potential marauders, making it difficult for them to approach the building. It's tremendous size, the length of a soccer field and the height of a 12-story building, will make sure that it is able to accomodate most of the population of New Delhi inside during times of sectarian violence. It sits on 234 pillars topped by nine domes and is bedecked by more than 20,000 statues of gods and goddesses, encompassing the gamut of the Hindu pantheon. In case the temple comes under siege from rioters, these same pillars could also be used as lethal projectiles to crush the seething mobs outside.

The temple was symbolically inaugurated by representatives of the three major religions in India, namely, President A.P.J. Abdul Kalam who is a Muslim, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, who is a Sikh and opposition leader L.K. Advani of the Hindu nationalist Bharatiya Janata Party. All three representatives joined in pushing open the door of the main hall of the temple, which was built heavy enough to withstand the religious fervour of a thousand people trying to storm in.

The temple also has an Imax theater, which, in normal circumstances, features a documentary about India's cultural spirituality. However, when the time comes to defend it from the slavering maw of batshit insanity, it will feature training films in weapons handling and the procedure of boiling oil before it is poured onto the milling crowd of rioters outside. The strategic location of the temple on the banks of the Yamuna river was also decided upon while keeping in mind the fact that it should allow refugees to escape via river, using boats, in case the bulwarks of the temple were to fail and be overpowered by it's assailants.

Indian media has been unanimous in it's praise for this newest symbol of the thread of tolerance deeply woven into the nation's cultural fabric. The Akshardham "is much more than just a temple," the Times of India daily newspaper said. It is "a celebration of the past, embracement of the present and terrified acceptance of the future," it said.

In unrelated news, Natwar Singh, the Indian Foreign minister who was indicted by the Volcker report in the Iraq Oil-for-Food scam, has been stripped of his portfolio and his Bajaj scooter stripped of gasoline.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Bush admits to receiving oral sex and lying about it

Zogby's has reported that 51% of Americans are now in favor of impeaching President Bush if he misled the American public and did not tell the truth about his real reasons for going to war with Iraq. The president, anticipating that impeachment proceedings could be initiated against him very soon, has decided to plead guilty to a lesser offence and has admitted to receiving a blow job in the Oval Office and then lying to Congress about it.

The media, bewildered at this strange turn of events, has asked the president to explain his confession to a crime which no one has accused him of committing. President Bush, however, maintains his position that he has repeatedly lied to Congress and the American people about never having had his knob polished. "I did have sex with that woman...The woman whose name I cannot reveal since the matter is under investigation", said the president during a Grand Jury testimonial that was hastily convened after results of the poll were published. The poll, which was commissioned by, a coalition of progressive groups which was seeking a Congressional investigation of the events leading up to war in Iraq, sent a shock wave through the White House, which acted immediately and issued a signed confession of the president admitting to having committed adultery and then perjury.

Sensing reluctance of an incredulous media to pursue investigation into his self-alleged crime, the president then attempted to bargain his way into a deal. "How about if I confess to having sex and lying about it under oath? Or how about this...I confess to burning an American flag, after having sex while draped in it?", inquired the president. "Would that be enough to satisfy Congressional criteria for being impeached?"

Democrats accuse the president of trying to evade his own prosecution, having invaded a sovereign country under false premises that led to the death of thousands of American troops as well as Iraqis, by conjuring up a pretend offense that could allow him to serve a small jail sentence and return home to Crawford in time for his daughters' next DUI arrest trial.

Other Republicans who have already been indicted or still are in the process of being indicted of serious criminal offences, such as Sen. Bill Frist and Rep. Tom DeLay, have also confessed to having committed relatively less serious crimes like shoplifting and cross-dressing in an attempt to get a milder sentence.

Friday, November 04, 2005

How I stole Pennsylvania from George Bush in 2004

Five years ago, George W Bush woke up from his cocaine induced slumber, brushed the vomit off his face, unplugged Karl Rove's vibrator from his anus, turned on Fox News and breathed a sigh of relief. America had spoken. Rather, America had giggled coyly, hidden her shy face behind her mother's skirt and whispered, "I do". Then, during the conjugal moment, just as America had begun to gently slide off her little black dress from her shoulders and suggestively parted her legs a bit wider, looking at Bush as if to ask him to come, take her, but be gentle, Bush had grinned back at America, screamed maniacally, whipped out his leather harness, jumped on top of her, slapped her right across her startled face, asked her who her daddy was, bitch, and started riding her like there would be no tomorrow. And the rest, as they say, was history.

Then, four years later, it was time for a battered and bleeding America to renew her vows. The same choice to make. Trying to smile through her bruised eyes, she looked at Bush, who promised her that this time it would be different. This time, he cooed soothingly, he would take care of her. In fact, he said, if America left him for another man, he was pretty sure that America would be torn apart by mad wolves, bombed to shreds by evil bearded men who were lurking in the woods behind her house and that only he had the balls and the foreskin to protect her. America, with a battered woman's futile hopefulness, hesitatingly agreed. But you know Bush, he doesn't change. No sir, he is the steadfast, single minded cowboy each of us can only dream of becoming. Once again, he began his systematic violation of America's womanhood, and this time he dragged her former best friend, poor little Rest Of The World, who had been lying curled up into a ball in the corner, into the mix. And then, Bush ordered America to make brutal love to the Rest Of The World, while he watched from his favorite seat in front of the tv, and stroked himself to a wailing climax. And the rest, again, as they say, was history.

I, however, was not a party to all of this. Being a temporary alien in this country, I could not cast a vote. But, I was determined to make a difference. And I did. This is how I stole Pennsylvania from George W Bush's greedy fingers.

It was election day, and the work day was over. I was frantically making last minute requests to my colleague, a Bush supporter, to change his mind about voting for Bush. I put forth all of my talking points against our president. How the Iraq war was all a big scam, just an excuse to get at it's oil, to line the pockets of all his buddies in Halliburton. And why the war was going to virtually make it certain that thirty years from now, our childen would be fighting the same people as we were fighting right now. And how he had fucked up the war, by dismantling the Iraqi army, by allowing looting and pillaging while protecting the Iraqi oil ministry. How his tax cuts did not contain a shred of logic. How his intelligence was on par with that of an unborn fetus. How he had stripped the country of it's secular credentials, and given a free reign to Christian zealots in running the country. How he had become America's big brother, keeping a watchful eye on America through a video camera as she took a shower.

And we argued back and forth, talking points flew across faster than a baseball coach's spittle. But it was all useless. The guy refused to listen to me. And then, as we wrapped up our debate, standing in the parking lot, he looked at his watch and said, "Shit it's 9:00. Ah heck, I'm too tired to go and vote now. See you tomorrow."

And so, this is how I fought hard and won the purple battleground state of Pennsylvania for John Forbes Kerry. Even though it was all for nothing in the end, it was somewhat of a solace for me that I had tried my best and given it my best shot. Now let me go back to my slumbers and wake me up in 2008.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Reality shows to play major role in Iraqi reconstruction

Taking inspiration from his wife's success in mitigating the tremendous suffering caused by Hurricane Katrina by appearing on a reality show to reconstruct one destroyed home, President Bush has announced that American reality shows will be utilized to play a major role in Iraqi reconstruction efforts. The president confessed that he was at a loss as to why he did not think of this brilliant idea before. "It is a perfect plan. Reality shows will help Iraqis take their mind off the destruction occurring there on a daily basis, and at the same time, make them believe something is actually being reconstructed, even if it's only on a television reality show."

Shows being considered for export to Iraq include "Trading Spaces", where two Iraqi couples will exchange their bombed out former places of residence and try to reconstruct them using nothing but grenade shrapnel fragments and goat vertebrae, with US crews filming the process. Rules have been slightly modified to allow either couple to keep for themselves any water, food or livestock they find in the other couple's residence.

The reality show "The Bachelorette", is also being considered as a prime candidate for export. The Iraqi version of this show will feature a Sunni, a Shia and a Kurd all vying to capture the attention of a single Jewish female (since Islamic culture prohibits single women from cavorting in public with male strangers). Rules of the competition prohibit attempts by either contestant to indulge in any ethnic cleansing. Also, if none of them manages to capture the attention of the bachelorette, the competition will move into deathmatch mode with the competitors trying to capture the actual woman herself.

Finally, "The Survivor" will be remade to resonate with Iraqi viewers. In this version of the show, former Iraqi president Saddam Hussain will be let loose in the ghettos of Washington DC with nothing but a camel in tow. His objective will be to avoid being captured by a neighbourhood pimp and forced to fellate Republican senators in their Georgetown apartments. The camel will help him get re-acquainted with the physical appearance of a cameltoe, in case he fails in his mission.

Iraqis have welcomed the entry of these reality shows into Iraq by increasing suicide bombing attacks that are reportedly designed to create more rubble for these reality shows to reconstruct on television.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Bush condemns Delhi blasts, urges Iraqis to be strong

President Bush today expressed outrage at the bomb blasts that occurred in New Delhi three days ago and led to the deaths of more than fifty people. He added that his administration, and America as a whole, stood behind Iraq and urged all Iraqis affected by the blasts to be strong in their hour of darkness.

Ever since the US invaded Iraq, there have been a series of bomb blasts in public places, leading to a huge loss of life and property. However, this particular blast was especially repugnant, the President remarked, in that it had occurred in a crowded neighbourhood while people were busy shopping for a religious occasion. Also, the president said, the co-ordinated sequence of the bomb blasts proved that this was not an isolated event, and that there had to be considerable planning that went behind it.

Later, in a press conference, Bush stated that the New Delhi blasts served as a reminder about the nature of the enemy America was facing in Iraq, and that the country needed to stand together and support the war against terror.

The president also used this opportunity to urge Iran and Pakistan to work together towards improving bilateral relations and hammer out a compromise that could lead to the permanent independence and democratization of Taiwan, which has been a bone of contention and a big source of tension between those two countries. In case Iran and it's oil industry failed to comply with this suggestion, warned the president, it could quite possibly face military action.

In other news, the president's new aggressive policy against the coming bird flu pandemic has set the global poultry industry atwitter and led to some fluttering of nerves.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

A delicious freshly laid goose egg

My new blog. It will be my "other" blog. A receptacle for everything apolitical, asocial and unimportant. Just so that I don't have to juxtapose stories about noodle soup with those about terror attacks. Those two just dont go well together.