Thursday, April 09, 2009

ISI developing suicide vests tiny enough to be worn by a fetus

The Pakistani Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI) reports that it is carrying out research, the results of which are expected to revolutionize the field of suicide bombing. This groundbreaking research, carried out in collaboration with top Pakistani madrassas, is focused on designing a suicide vest small enough to be worn comfortably by a 6 month old fetus. At the same time, the explosives packed within will be powerful enough to cause the same damage as that worn by an 11 year old boy.

Commenting on this amazing breakthrough in jihadi technology, ISI officials said that the design of this tiny vest would result in a significant reduction in suicide bomber development cycle times which currently range from about ten to fifteen years.

"Old and outdated suicide vest technology required us to nurture, feed and clothe every single bomber from the time of his birth right up to his first and last mission, which could take years. The whole thing wasn't very cost-effective. Now, with this new technology, God's cute little soldiers can begin to blow stuff (and themselves) up mere months after being conceived."

Although most fetuses have been known to suffer from issues of defiance and independent thinking, manifested by their steadfast refusal to leave the womb on command and carry out a terrorist attack, it is hoped that watching religious indoctrination videos during their conception will lead to a new breed of fetuses that are aware of their martyrdom objective and better-prepared to serve in God's army.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Extraordinarily asinine observation of the day

Comes to you, courtesy Glenn Reynolds, the Insta"Pundit" and law professor at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, who says,

“I have a number of students who are licensed to carry weapons and I’d feel safer, not less safe, knowing that they are carrying on campus. I certainly would feel safer if some of my colleagues were armed, too”

Hopefully, it's just an April fool's prank from the venerable professor. But just in case it's not, he gets adequately taken to task at Gin and Tacos (via Instaputz) :

"Such a comment would lead me to question whether the speaker has ever stood in front of a classroom in his or her life. Since Mr. Reynolds clearly has done so, I must proceed to questioning just how profoundly this person is retarded.........Sorry. I can think of none other to describe someone who has stood at the front of a giant public university lecture hall packed with 150 sleep-deprived, emotionally unbalanced, substance abusing, clinically depressed, and stressed out 20 year olds and thought, “You know what would make me feel safer? If they all had fucking guns.”