Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Adams vs Myers

Scott Adams : The Big Bang led to Moby Dick being written, which requires intelligence. Therefore, Moby Dick and humans were created by an intelligent entity, namely, The Big Bang.

Me : You know what, Scott, I just realized that Adolf Hitler demanded that Ferdinand Porsche change his car design to accommodate working class Germans, thus leading to the creation of Volkswagen cars, one of which I used yesterday to do my grocery shopping. Therefore, it was Adolf Hitler who did my grocery shopping and it was he who forgot to buy toilet paper. Please go back to sleep Godwin, it ain't morning yet.

PZ Myers : You are both a couple of fucking idiots. The fact that writing Moby Dick required intelligence does not mean that the creation of Moby Dick's writer required intelligence. Similarly, when Adolf Hitler created Volkswagen, he did not do it with your grocery-shopping in mind.

Me : Hmm. I think I agree with Mr. Myers.

PZ Myers : Shut up, you're a fool nevertheless.

Me : Rightie-O.

And now we wait for Scott Adams to respond.

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Monday, January 29, 2007

IIT temple to hold entrance exam for worshipers

The popular and highly prestigious temple in Rajasthan that caters to prospective IIT-JEE candidates has announced that it will now be conducting its own entrance exam for devotees (via Abi and Krish). This entrance exam is intended to pre-screen prospective worshipers of the IIT Deity before allowing them admission into the inner sanctum of the temple where they will be able to secure a seat in the IIT of their choice by communicating their allegiance to Him through the Vice-Chancellor of the temple, Goddess Saraswati.

The IIT Deity, who is said to ride atop the majestic Porcupine of Knowledge, bearing in His five arms the mythical answers (a), (b), (c), (d) and "none of the above", will be unavailable for worship in person due to Physics, Chemistry and Mathematics, the three JEE topics, continuing to refute His very existence.

Until now, the temple had a policy of unrestricted admission to IIT-aspirants. However, lately, the glowing testimonials of its alumni as well as word-of-mouth from locals in the area had caused a huge surge of blessings-seekers to the temple, thereby overwhelming the temple's infrastructure that was designed for serving only a few hundred patsies at a time, especially in areas such as the administration of holy water and bite-sized coconut pieces.

The temple, now coming under the purview of the education department of the Government of India, will now require prospective devotees to scrawl their answers to a tough questionnaire on the outer walls of the temple to prove their eligibility for the IIT Deity's benevolence. The highly whittled down group of extraordinary IIT-seekers who pass this test will then be allowed to enter the temple and scrawl their IIT wish-list on the inner walls of the temple.

Various coaching classes that have sprung up in the vicinity of the temple claim to provide a list of questions expected to be asked in the exam. The one under the banyan tree next to the well said that questions about the history of the temple and its surroundings are virtually certain to be asked but refused to elaborate, instead, requiring students to purchase its study material for additional tips and pointers.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

President Bush to send more troops to stop British troops from leaving Iraq

The US will be sending additional troops to Iraq in order to prevent British troops from leaving the country, said President Bush, during a late Wednesday night appearance on television. Maintaining a grave demeanor, not unlike the time he gave the Chancellor of Germany a back rub during the countries' bilateral talks, President Bush warned Americans that Britain's decision of reducing its troop strength in Iraq by 3,000 would necessitate the dispatch of 20,000 additional American reinforcements, also called "a surge", to keep the British from "cutting and running".

Explaining the situation, President Bush said that military analysts had assured him that for every British serviceman trying to escape the war-torn nation, the American army would require two soldiers, one to hold him back and another to punch him in the gut every time he uttered the word "mate". The remaining 14,000 would be needed to screw in the proverbial light-bulb.

Republicans in Congress have criticized the President's decision as too little, too late and said that additional troops to prevent coalition partners from escaping should have been dispatched right back when Spain announced its intention of withdrawing its forces from Iraq.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair, when asked for a comment, replied, "Since I am a friend of both President Bush as well as the British people, I would prefer not to take sides in this conflict."

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Monday, January 08, 2007

Ganges too polluted to defecate in, say Sadhus

The All India Association of Sadhus, Swamis and Snake Oil Sellers (or NAMBLA), has claimed that the extraordinary degree of pollutedness of the Ganges river is severely affecting their ability to use its water for their daily toiletry.

In a press statement, the committee of visibly constipated Godmen declared that the huge amount of pre-existing fecal matter in the water of the river, along with fertilizers and pesticides, was making it hazardous to use this water as a medium for cleaning excrement off their bodies. As a result, many of them had not had an opportunity to empty their bowels into the depths of the river, thus adding to the health risk. This problem was causing particular hardship to the millions of Hindu devotees who throng the banks of the river this time of year during the Ardha Kumbh Mela to perform a ritual discharge of their waste into its putrid but soul-purifying waters.

The polluted waters have also been blamed for an increase in the occurrence of skin diseases. Earlier, the only skin diseases caused were those that were passed from one bathing devotee to another. Now however, the water itself brings forth the microbes that cause these maladies.

Other Sadhus have also expressed apprehension regarding the future of their own remains once they have passed on to the next life. Many Hindu holy men prefer to incinerate their mortal remains on the banks of the river and disperse their ashes into its waters, a process which reportedly guarantees them rich dividends in the heavenly afterlife. However, with the river being dangerously polluted, these Sadhus are now reluctant to share its water space with foreign feculence not of their own making.

Maintaining a united stand on the issue, the Association of Sadhus has threatened that if the government were not to take immediate and drastic steps towards cleansing the river, all ten million of its members would boycott the Mela this year and refuse to deposit their body waste into its waters, eternal salvation be damned.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Before being against feminism, you need to know what it means

I like how lately, every fucking jackass person with a keyboard and a voltage stabilizer will come up with an opinion about feminism and feel the urge to communicate it to the unenlightened uneducated masses. For example, this guy (via DP). Who thinks that feminism "preaches that women should compete with men in all walks of life in a bid to prove their point and outsmart men". And then goes on to "prove" why feminism is flawed.

I would like to take this opportunity to request people who think they oppose feminism to first be aware of what the fuck it is that they think they are opposing.

As I commented at this guy's blog, feminism is not about male-female competition. Fuck competition. In fact, when you think about it, feminism has very little to do with men. Feminism is about giving a woman the fundamental birthright over her own body, over her own life and her own destiny. Feminism strives to give women protection under the law (theoretically as well as practically). Feminism tries to make sure that societal norms will evolve to a point such that women will be able to live their lives as citizens who can be self-sufficient psychologically as well as economically.

Feminism would like women to be able to move around freely without being molested by sexually starved men. Feminism would prefer that women be left out of caste warfare and that their genitals and souls not be made to bear the brunt of centuries old religious and social dogma. Feminism would also like women to be able to have control over their own vaginas and not be subject to the diktats of a bunch of righteous old men held hostage by the preachings of a hoary book of indeterminate vintage and relevance. And lastly, feminism would really love it if you didn't kill your fetus just because she's a girl. Instead, Feminism would plead with you to give birth to her, nurture her, educate her and see how she soars.

Feminism is all that and more. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I haven't covered most of it. But this much I can say with confidence : Feminism will not think less of you just because you decide to lug your girlfriend's 80 kilo suitcase. No, Feminism will call that mere common courtesy.

I realize, of course, that I could be one of those fucking jackasses people I mentioned, foisting his asinine opinions about feminism on the world. If such be the case, please do let me know.

Update : As Falstaff points out correctly in his comment, contrary to what I said earlier, Feminism, or just about any other ism, would probably frown upon this particular instance of 80 kilo suitcase handling due to the blogger's motives behind doing it, which is, to avoid the self-manufactured feeling of emasculation that might result, were he to allow his girlfriend to carry the suitcase. In short, it's all about him and his insecurities and little to do with feminism. But the problem here is that far from this being the warped viewpoint of just one blogger, I think that this perception about feminism, about it being merely an instrument used by women to emasculate the male of the species, to make him feel less manly is a pretty common one. And it needs to be systematically eradicated because that is probably the most oversimplified caricaturization of contemporary feminism as we know it.

Update 2 : Looking back, we could probably have done without calling people "fucking jackasses". How about we chalk this one up to Samuel Adams Winter Lager, eh?

Update3 : Strawfeminists and more straw-chewing chauvinists.

Friday, January 05, 2007

TIME magazine planning to lay You off

A mere two weeks after bestowing upon You the Person of the Year Award, TIME magazine is now ready to lay You off. These lay-offs will affect You in the editorial team, You in CNN as well as You in People magazine and Sports Illustrated.

Explaining the decision, TIME said that although You are a great human being and well-deserving of this award, You were also, at the same time, a terrible employee. In fact, the very attributes that made You the Person of the Year, namely, an active desire to participate in the web-based dissemination of information, contributed to your shoddy performance at the workplace that will lead to your dismissal. When You should have been busy evaluating copy and correcting grammatical errors in your articles, instead, You were busy uploading the video of You wearing a Borat bikini on YouTube. When You should have been chasing stories and trying to determine who would be the next Person of the Year, You were instead writing post upon post on your blog about how it was You who got the very worst assignments.

Before laying You off, however, TIME expressed its gratitude towards You for that amazing brainstorm You had in coming up with the idea of naming Yourself as the Person of the Year, as well as your immense YouTube and blogging experience that made this issue possible. Although TIME no longer requires this skill-set from You, at the same time, TIME also wishes You the best and hopes that You will continue to enjoy success in your extra-curricular internet ventures, especially since You will now have significantly more time to invest in their execution once your employment there has been terminated.