Friday, November 30, 2007


In support of the British teacher who has been arrested (and might be sentenced to death) in the Sudan for letting her students name their teddy bear "Mohammed", both my blogs will be named Mohammed. And just so that there are no misunderstandings, they will be named after the prophet Mohammed and not the pakoda vendor.

Also, fuck you Sudan.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Pakistan to open its doors to jihad-based tourism

Following the release of a new Al-Qaida video in which terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden called upon his followers to carry out jihad against Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf, the Pakistan Tourism Development Corporation (PTDC) grabbed this opportunity to tout Pakistan's credentials as the world's number one jihad-based tourism destination.

In a press release on its new and revamped website (, the PTDC issued a formal welcome to the millions of prospective suicide bombers, IED operators and religious incitation experts willing to inject foreign capital into the cash-strapped Pakistani economy by making it their destination of choice. The Pakistani tourerrorism industry, which through its collaboration with its Afghan counterpart had till recently held a monopoly over jihadi vacation spending, fell into disrepair following the Iraq war and the subsequent maturation and blossoming of the Iraqi tourerrorism industry. But now, with Osama Bin Laden, the Godfather of tourerrorism, himself endorsing violent bloodbath in Pakistan as the next big thing, the PTDC is gearing up and getting ready for what promises to be a very busy tourerrorism season.

Tourism / terrorism analyst Laura Mansfield told CNN that while Bin Laden's message is directed at the Pakistani people, "the simultaneous release of transcripts in English, Pashto, and Arabic indicate the group is looking at a wider audience, including the English-speaking world." The PTDC, not content to merely stand back and reap the benefits of Bin Laden's commercial and recognizing the enormous potential customer base for tourerrorism in the developed world, has also released its own translations in French, German, Japanese, Tagalog, Swahili and Piglatin.

"Gone are the days of Western medical tourism", said a PTDC spokesperson. "People do not wish to travel to a foreign country to cure their own cancer anymore. Instead, they would rather go to a nation that would allow them to pour gasoline on a fellow human and watch him go up in flames."

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

This will make your brain weep

Pakistani Religious Affairs Minister Mohammed Ijaz Ul-Haq on Salman Rushdie being knighted by the British Government (via The Daily Doubter):

"The west is accusing Muslims of extremism and terrorism. If someone exploded a bomb on his body he would be right to do so unless the British government apologises and withdraws the 'sir' title."

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

How To Support The Troops Conservative Style- I

Right-wing pundit Dick Morris on why it is better for US troops to stay on in Iraq (via World o' Crap):

"One of the things, though, that I think the antiwar crowd has not considered is that, if we’re putting the Americans right within their (terrorists') arms’ reach, they don’t have to come to Wall Street to kill Americans. They don’t have to knock down the trade center. They can do it around the corner, and convenience is a big factor when you’re a terrorist."

What are the odds of Dick Morris having driven to his Fox News interview in a vehicle sporting a "Support the Troops" ribbon?

Anyways, this has been the first edition of "How To Support The Troops Conservative Style".

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Patent application approved, Indian men to have exclusive rights over Indian women

An Indian court has approved the patent application filed by a group of Indian men who were seeking to enforce their rights of exclusive ownership over all Indian women. This patent application was filed by a religiously bipartisan committee comprised of both Hindu and Muslim men after Richard Gere, an actor and American citizen, kissed Shilpa Shetty, an Indian woman, on her cheeks during an AIDS awareness campaign. This flagrant violation of a hitherto unwritten code which states that an Indian woman may only be touched, looked at, spoken to or manhandled exclusively by an Indian man, brought into focus the burning issue of patenting indigenously developed products to preempt their illegal usage by unscrupulous Western corporations or film actors.

This newly approved patent prevents or excludes any male from a country other than India from making, using, selling, offering to sell, importing and most importantly, kissing the product in question, namely, an Indian Woman. Furthermore, each individual patent will have a term of limits beginning at the time of birth of the product and enforceable through her lifetime.

The approval of this patent has allowed the Indian Government to retroactively press patent infringement charges against Mr Richard Gere. Indian men all over the country, incensed with this blatantly illegal behavior, that too, from someone supposedly at the forefront of India's fight against AIDS, protested against the actor by Beating His Burning Effigy With A Stick™, also a recently patented Indian innovation.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

New Rule

Anyone who repeats the line "They (terrorists) hate us for the freedoms we have" will not be allowed to run for president of the USA. (via Sadly, No). Just like someone who thinks 2 plus 2 equals 5 will not be hired as a math teacher.

However, an exception could be made after the candidate reads a history book, any history book will do. Or even a newspaper. Or has a conversation on Middle-Eastern politics with someone who is not affiliated with the Republican party. You know, someone who is reality-based.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Hip Hop Artists to slap "female companions" instead of hos

Hip Hop producer Russell Simmons has requested artists of that genre to henceforth refrain from uttering racially charged and misogynistic words in their music. Following the Don Imus controversy, Simmons took the lead in the African American community in recommending the elimination of words such as "nigger", "bitches" and "hos" from the recording industry, saying that these were extreme curse words, offensive to black men and women.

This call for voluntarily doing away with curse words is expected to result in a number of prominent rap artists modifying their songs and incorporating racially correct and gender sensitive lyrics into their music. For example, Dr Dre will no longer claim that "bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks", instead, referring to the female of the species respectfully as a "woman" while comparing her unfavorably with human excreta. Also, the phrase "putting a nigger on his back", which describes the gunning down of an African American, will henceforth be replaced by "putting a black person on his back".

Mr Simmons said that it was entirely possible for African American hip hop artists to objectify and demean women in their music without having to resort to the usage of politically incorrect terminology in the process. For example, it would be easy for an artist wishing to wax eloquent upon his aversion to fornicating with obese women to do so without titling his song "fat bitch", instead calling it "I like my women well-proportioned". Likewise, a song documenting a rapper's gun fight where he riddles the calf, buttocks, back and skull of his enemy with bullets could remain faithful to its violent theme without including its numerous unnecessary references to the N-word.

In case an artist were to choose to continue using those words in his song, said Mr Simmons, they could either be bleeped out or replaced with silence, while leaving the rest of the sentence and its meaning intact. "Nigger. bitch and ho, these three words were the only things holding back hip hop music from achieving its full potential in this country", said Mr Simmons. "Their expungement will go a long way towards the introduction of gangster culture into America's family-rooms."

Friday, April 20, 2007

Ted Nugent in brief

A brief synopsis of Ted Nugent's pro-gun column today on CNN:

(As translated by the Editor)

I will enumerate a number of instances where people with guns killed people without guns. Then, I will prove to you why the people without guns should have had guns. You remember the movie where everybody pointed a gun at everybody else and no one pulled the trigger? That's what will happen. As long as no one sneezes or blinks or makes any sudden movements, we should be alright.

If a large number of us didn't have guns, the Lord only knows how many more of us would have fallen to gun violence.

At an eighth-grade school dance in Pennsylvania, a boy fatally shot a teacher and wounded two students before the owner of the dance hall brought the killing to a halt with his own gun. Just imagine, if the boy's mother had owned a gun as well his father, then the boy would have been confused as to which gun to take to school, thus averting a tragedy.

We do not ban water, steak knives and ammonium nitrate even though they kill people. Similarly, we shouldn't ban guns because like everything else, they can be misused, their actual use being as a sofa cushion. And while we are on the topic, I would also like to purchase some plutonium please, thank you.

Guns should not be banned because banning guns would make evil people happy and if I see a single evil person happy, it makes me want to blow my brains out. With a gun. Which I should be allowed to purchase freely.

My right to own a gun is God-given. God gave me that right. I know that because he occasionally asks me to use it on people. But I blow him off by telling him I have a dinner engagement. Oh God, he's a naive SOB.

The only people who hate guns *cough* liberals *cough* are those who believe dialing 911 will save your life (it doesn't, it only calls up the phone in your basement). These people would like to see good people dead because it makes them feel good about themselves and these people are fanatics about feeling good.

And finally, the following is added verbatim from the column without editorial comment in the hope that its inherent irony is self-evident.

"Already spineless gun control advocates are squawking like chickens with their tiny-brained heads chopped off, making political hay over this most recent, devastating Virginia Tech massacre, when in fact it is their own forced gun-free zone policy that enabled the unchallenged methodical murder of 32 people."

Bravo, CNN, you have risen to the occasion and given off your best.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

A Clarification (deleted)

Looking back, I agree with Patrix and Bombay Addict that putting up a post to clarify the previous one was kind of a stupid idea on my part. I mean, if I write something and then have to explain what I just wrote, obviously I must not be a very good writer. Since I don't want to think of myself as a bad writer (I quite possibly am, but I don't want to hear that from me), I'll just delete this clarification.

But regardless, you should read this by Falstaff to understand the selective nature of human grief. It's that good.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


There is a massacre at an American university. Many people are killed. These are the routes subsequently followed by various trains of thought after their departure from their respective stations of nationality and ideology.

The American Conservative Train:

Hmm. could it be a terrorist attack? I wonder if the shooter was Muslim. Did the shooter selectively kill only Americans?

They say he was Asian. Well, he could still be Islamic.

So now the shooter was Korean. Do they have Muslims in Korea?

Okay, so the shooter wasn't a Muslim. But I am sure this episode showed the Islamic terrorists how easy it is to kill Americans.

They say the killer was an immigrant student on an F-1 visa. Just like those terrorists on 9/11. Why are we letting these students into our country again?

It's now clear that he was not on an F-1 visa and actually grew up in the US. It still doesn't invalidate the original point that we shouldn't be letting these foreigners into our country.

Hey, how about the Ismail Ax thing on his arm? Maybe we should continue to explore the Muslim angle.

You know, the fundamental problem with this country is that more people do not own guns. If everyone were allowed to shoot everyone else, maybe less innocent people would be killed.

The American Liberal Train :

You know, the fundamental problem with this country is all those guns.

Yes, this is a tragedy. But nothing compared to what's happening in Iraq right now.

I am sure Bush won't waste a minute in running to the scene and giving a speech.

Look look, there he goes.

I wonder if he's gonna somehow find a way to link the shooting with 9/11.

The Indian Train :

Hmm. It happened in a university. A place where there are many Indians. I wonder if any Indians died in the shooting.

They say the shooter was Asian. Could he be.....Indian? I hope not.

It appears that he was on an F1 visa. I bet the anti-immigration lobby seizes this opportunity to badmouth immigration and immigrants.

So he was Korean. Are Americans smart enough to know the difference between India and Korea?

I wonder how that Chinese-looking guy in my gym feels about all this. I wonder if people look at him differently wherever he goes now. God, I am sure glad the shooter wasn't Indian.

I really feel sad for all the Indians who died.

The American Neocon Train:

The Israeli professor who was killed in the shooting, threw himself at the gunman to save his students' lives. On the other hand, the Palestinian student who filmed the killings on camera didn't save any lives and compared the tragedy to the violence in the occupied territories. Just goes to show.

The Chinese Train:

You people like your guns way too much.

The Rest of the World Train:

Basically what the Chinese said. And also, such things would never happen in our country. Hunger, poverty, riots, crime yes. School shootings no.

Nothing quite brings the world together like a tragedy now, does it?

Friday, April 13, 2007

Pope says evolution can only be verified in God's laboratory

Pope Benedict XVI has delivered his first opinions on evolution since he took office by saying that the theory can never ever be proven by humans. The Pope justified the decision to suspend his belief in evolution by saying that the theory would never be successfully tested in a human laboratory because of the physical difficulties involved in populating the laboratory simultaneously with 10,000 generations of humans in order to compare their genetic make-up.

However, the pope also made it clear that if there were anyone who could successfully prove or disprove the theory, it would be God, whose laboratory was much better equipped with unlimited resources and manpower. "It is common knowledge that the Lab of God, high up in the heavens, is said to be a thousand miles in length, a thousand miles in width and a million angel-lengths in height", said the Pope, explaining the infrastructural edge God had over humans in performing evolutionary experiments. "Therefore, to round up and fit ten thousand human generations inside this massive complex would not be an issue for Him at all, which, by the way, is made of pure gold and encrusted with millions of sparkling diamonds."

In addition to unlimited space, God has another advantage over humans, said the Pope. That was His boundless wisdom and patience that would allow him to see an experiment through to its logical conclusion. "It's a well-known and scientifically verifiable fact that God is all-knowing, all-seeing and all-understanding", said the Pope. "Who could possibly do a better job of working with and examining intricate and minuscule pieces of his own work such as DNA strands?"

Furthermore, the presence of gravity-defying winged Angels and Archangels, the existence of which has been thoroughly documented by some guy who lived over a thousand years ago, who could help God in the capacity of laboratory technicians, could also speed up the labor intensive process of obtaining genetic material from thousands of humans for the purpose of comparison. This would allow God to deliver his verdict on the legitimacy of the theory of evolution before Judgment Day, that day in the future, it has been proven beyond reasonable doubt, when every person on Earth will be whisked off the planet, thus rendering this entire debate over evolution meaningless.

"Just like humans should not believe in heaven or hell, unless they've seen those places with their own eyes, it is wrong to place any kind of belief in evolution until it can be successfully verified under controlled conditions", said the Pope in conclusion. "And that is something only the Supreme Deity in the Sky, whose presence has been scientifically verified time and time again, can do."

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Why John McCain is a caricature of himself

Fake News.

Real News.

"McCain said he would have walked through a central Baghdad market without the military protection, but the top U.S. commander in Iraq, Gen. David Petraeus, had recommended the armed escort.

"I'm not notorious for being nervous about going anywhere," said McCain. "I'll gladly go almost anywhere in the world, under any circumstances, but I did respond and do what Gen. Petraeus asked me to do."
John McCain : The only person qualified enough to carry on George W. Bush's comic legacy.

John McCain for President!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Reality Check

I don't think the mob that lynched an ice cream vendor who was caught raping a girl did so because they believed that the justice system wouldn't punish him. They did so because they were sure that the justice system wouldn't punish them.

Karnataka schools to scrap sex education in favor of AIDS treatment classes

Secondary schools in Bangalore are getting ready to add a beginner's course in HIV/AIDS treatment to their syllabus. This new addition will be the Karnataka State Government's latest salvo in the state's fight against the AIDS pandemic.

Initially, the Government had planned to incorporate a course in sex education within school curricula, which would also have informed school children on safe sex practices (via). However, the Minister for Primary and Secondary Education Basavaraj S. Horatti expressed his opposition to this endeavor, saying that educating school children on the correct way to use condoms would only increase their desire to use a condom. "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day", said Mr Horatti. "Teach him how to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. However, if you keep him away from fish altogether, he will stick to eating vegetables", he said adding, "Assuming, of course, that you also lock him inside his own house and prevent him from eating fish in a restaurant."

Mr. Horatti also claimed that teaching secondary school children sex education classes was a selfish ploy by condom manufacturers to abuse AIDS prevention techniques in order to increase their own profits. However, he said, if there is anything that popular Indian culture has taught us, it is that sex and condom usage have no place in it. "Just like condoms would protect our children from exposure to AIDS, so should we be protecting our children from exposure to condoms. Only then would our precious culture be protected from exposure to sex", commented Mr. Horatti.

To deal with the continued increase in the number of HIV cases that is sure to ensue due to a lack of sexual awareness among teens and pre-teens, the Karnataka State Government is adding a mandatory course on HIV / AIDS treatment in its secondary schools. This course will equip Karnataka's schoolchildren with the requisite knowledge for diagnosing the onset of the disease later on in their life and the ability to apply medication for alleviating its symptoms.

"Although the prevention of AIDS falls outside the bounds of decent Indian culture, treatment of the disease does not", said Mr Horatti. "We therefore owe it to our children to ensure that their transition from HIV affliction to a slow certain painful demise is as smooth as possible."

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

John McCain requests US Army to quit following him around in Iraq

Republican Presidential hopeful Senator John McCain has asked US Army commanders in Iraq to quit following him around and leave him alone, sources say. McCain, who recently claimed that Iraq has become safe enough that there “are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through those neighborhoods, today”, was eager to demonstrate his thesis by walking alone around an open-air Baghdad marketplace during his trip to that nation.

However, to his dismay, Sen. McCain found his solitude repeatedly disturbed by the US Army, which insisted on dogging him every step of the way during his leisurely stroll through the streets of Baghdad.

"All I wanted to do was to take a long solitary walk among those trees and burnt out car shells and I can't even do that without a BlackHawk helicopter or an Apache Gunship shadowing me from above", said McCain. "You are not the boss of me, US Army Sharpshooter on that terrace over there, so just leave me alone", he added with a toss of his weatherbeaten head. (via LGM)

Sen. McCain also expressed his disgust with the Army's insistence that he wear a bulletproof vest during his idyllic rambles. "I cannot imagine what these people think they are protecting me from. Bullets? Shrapnel fragments? This is Iraq, not Washington DC, you know", he said, referring to Rep. Steve King (R-IA)'s claim that the average Iraqi civilian was safer than an American in Washington DC. "What if I were to suddenly decide to pick flowers from a grassy meadow or jump into a pond with those Iraqi kids and splash around in a carefree manner to celebrate the safeness of this very safe neighborhood?", inquired McCain of his over-nurturing army tormentors. "How would I be able to do that with this heavy vest restricting my every degree of freedom?"

Commenting on the deserted streets of the neighborhood which a hundred armed US infantrymen had cleared of all Iraqi citizens in anticipation of his arrival, the Senator said, "Look how peaceful it is, not a single suicide bomber or IED in sight. Don't you wish downtown Manhattan were as serene and uncrowded?"

Army commanders, when asked for a response, said, "Our assignment is to make sure we send him back to the US in one piece. But it is turning into a highly difficult task. It's like he wants to get killed. He keeps asking to be let inside suspiciously abandoned vehicles or allowed to open unidentified packages left by the roadside just to prove how safe Iraqi streets really are."

If he were to make it back safe and sound, on his return to the US, Sen. McCain is scheduled to visit numerous American cities and hold meetings with their lawmakers in order to explore the feasibility of making them as safe as, if not safer than those in Iraq.

Monday, March 19, 2007

President Bush re-elected to second term as President of Iraq

Four years after winning the election for President of Iraq in which he cast the single and deciding vote, President Bush announced today that he has been unanimously re-elected to a second term as leader of that nation.

In a bizarre repeat of his previous performance, the margin of victory once again turned out to be 1 vote to 0, the deciding vote again being that of President Bush, who justified his decision to re-elect himself by saying, "I've been doing a heck of a job". Although this time around, his incumbency was expected to act against his candidacy, President Bush thwarted conventional political wisdom by achieving a landslide victory against the only other candidate in the arena, the US Congress.

"Although the Congress has been doing a relatively good job in its role as a rubber substitute, unlike me, it has very little experience in creating and administering a war-torn nation", said President Bush of his former presidential challenger. "Also, the US Congress has traditionally been weak against fighting domestic crime here in the US. How can one expect it to fight against terrorists in Iraq?"

During his acceptance speech, President Bush declared that his victory would go a long way towards promoting democracy in the Middle-East. "The fact that an Arab nation which used to be a dictatorship is now ruled by the democratically elected leader of another country just goes to show that democracy is on the march in the Middle-East", commented the President.

The Iraqi presidential election was carried out in strict conformance with election etiquette as laid down in the Iraqi constitution which believes in the division of power between four branches of Iraqi government, namely the President of the US, Halliburton, Exxon-Mobil and Iran.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Magnet America to sell "Support Our Ribbons" ribbons

A drastic decline in the popularity of the Iraq war has adversely affected the American Patriotic Slogan manufacturing industry. As soon as the Iraq war began, the industry shifted into high gear and unveiled its flagship product, the "Support Our Troops" ribbon. The ribbon, which turned out to be the best pro-life alternative to enrolling in the military and actually fighting in the war, was widely adopted by war supporters and could be seen affixed to numerous vehicles throughout the US.

However, with the war turning sour and public opinion shifting against it, these ribbons, in turn, have lost their appeal. Magnet America, which is one of the largest manufacturers of these ribbons, claims that ribbon sales fell from 1.2 million in August 2004 to 4,000 a month. "We have enough supplies to meet demand for years to come," said Micah Pattisall, director of operations. "Assuming, of course, that we will continue to be at war for the next few years. Please God, let there be war for the next few years", he added fervently.

With support for the "Support Our Troops" ribbons dwindling, Magnet America has unveiled its latest product, the "Support Our Ribbons" ribbon. This ribbon will address the issue of public apathy towards the "Support Our Troops" ribbons and increase awareness about the importance of these ribbons in stirring patriotic pride within American loins.

"In order for us to win in Iraq, we need Americans to support our troops by buying these ribbons that show their support towards the ribbons that support our troops", said a ribbon vendor in New York City. "Also, it will help me feed my family", he added.

President Bush encouraged Americans to do their part in the War Against Terror by supporting the "Support Our Troops" ribbons and displaying "Support Our Ribbons" ribbons in their homes, cars and alcohol rehabilitation centers. "These ribbons are courageous warriors, fighting on the forefront of our battle for public opinion", said President Bush. "And right now, with public opinion being massively against the war, the importance of supporting them far outweighs that of supporting our actual troops."

Friday, February 23, 2007

Jesus is back

Hey hey, the Christ is back and if you've got a Brooklyn bridge to sell, he's got the followers who'd be itching to buy it from you (via PZ). There he is, curiously clean-cut, delightfully plump, bizarrely well-attired and giving you a benevolent two-fingered salute, the same one, as a matter of fact, which the Jews of yore mistook for a one-fingered one and eventually crucified him for. I guess Jesus didn't learn his lesson.

There's just one catch : This time around, El Savior happens to be Latino and is currently operating under the earthly moniker, "Dr Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda". His parents must have been prophets to name their child with such extraordinary accuracy. But although Christ 2.0's abilities of impersonating a geostationary satellite in orbit, while at the same time, not disintegrating during atmospheric re-entry are far superior to that of his previous incarnation, as seen by his casual smiling demeanor in the picture as he loiters outside the earth's atmosphere, I anticipate him to face considerable difficulties in accomplishing the relatively easy task of crossing the Rio Grande into America. You know, with the Minutemen and all.

But that is but a minor irritant for all in all, he's doing well during his second stint as Mankind's Lord and Savior. Gone are those days of living a frugal life and having to feed five thousand people from the office with a mere five loaves of bread and just two fish. Second helpings weren't allowed. But the 21st century Christ reportedly "has his own television and radio satellite channels, more than 300+ television and radio programs, an entourage of 300+ faithful pastors and millions of followers" who are, it is claimed, "growing in numbers everyday". Whether it is through sheer procreation or some kind of Christian cloning process is still unknown.

Now I know there must be many among you who must be going, Wait a minute, how do I know he is not a mere false Christ? For the Bible says that there are going to be a number of false Christs making their appearance throughout my lifetime and that they shall have the power to deceive not only the ignorant and the stupid, such as you, but also those gifted with a supreme intelligence, such as I.

Dr Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda laughs at you my friend. Not an amused, condescending smirk, mind you, because he is above all those petty emotions, but a compassionate giggle, only meant to let you know how stupid you really are, in spite of all your understanding to the contrary.

You see, the gospel does warn of the nuisance of false Christs. But at the same time, the gospel also clearly states that this false Christ on his arrival, will perform "great signs and wonders" in order to bewitch you into submission.

And therein lies the acid test of authenticity, which Dr Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda passes with remarkable ease. Because Dr Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda cannot perform wonders or miracles. He would not be able to walk on water even if his Carnival Cruise ship were to hit an iceberg and the alternative were death by drowning. He would not be able to convert water into wine even if he were making a mushroom and wild rice risotto for his wife on their wedding anniversary, the recipe included white wine and the grocery stores were all closed.

No, Dr Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda is simply not able to perform any miracles or signs or wonders. And because he cannot perform miracles or signs or wonders, according to the gospel, he clearly cannot be a false Christ and HAS to be the real deal. The Real Christ. It is that simple. It is in the gospel.

And now, here you go, Brooklyn Bridge sellers, you know what to do.

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Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Adams vs Myers

Scott Adams : The Big Bang led to Moby Dick being written, which requires intelligence. Therefore, Moby Dick and humans were created by an intelligent entity, namely, The Big Bang.

Me : You know what, Scott, I just realized that Adolf Hitler demanded that Ferdinand Porsche change his car design to accommodate working class Germans, thus leading to the creation of Volkswagen cars, one of which I used yesterday to do my grocery shopping. Therefore, it was Adolf Hitler who did my grocery shopping and it was he who forgot to buy toilet paper. Please go back to sleep Godwin, it ain't morning yet.

PZ Myers : You are both a couple of fucking idiots. The fact that writing Moby Dick required intelligence does not mean that the creation of Moby Dick's writer required intelligence. Similarly, when Adolf Hitler created Volkswagen, he did not do it with your grocery-shopping in mind.

Me : Hmm. I think I agree with Mr. Myers.

PZ Myers : Shut up, you're a fool nevertheless.

Me : Rightie-O.

And now we wait for Scott Adams to respond.

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Monday, January 29, 2007

IIT temple to hold entrance exam for worshipers

The popular and highly prestigious temple in Rajasthan that caters to prospective IIT-JEE candidates has announced that it will now be conducting its own entrance exam for devotees (via Abi and Krish). This entrance exam is intended to pre-screen prospective worshipers of the IIT Deity before allowing them admission into the inner sanctum of the temple where they will be able to secure a seat in the IIT of their choice by communicating their allegiance to Him through the Vice-Chancellor of the temple, Goddess Saraswati.

The IIT Deity, who is said to ride atop the majestic Porcupine of Knowledge, bearing in His five arms the mythical answers (a), (b), (c), (d) and "none of the above", will be unavailable for worship in person due to Physics, Chemistry and Mathematics, the three JEE topics, continuing to refute His very existence.

Until now, the temple had a policy of unrestricted admission to IIT-aspirants. However, lately, the glowing testimonials of its alumni as well as word-of-mouth from locals in the area had caused a huge surge of blessings-seekers to the temple, thereby overwhelming the temple's infrastructure that was designed for serving only a few hundred patsies at a time, especially in areas such as the administration of holy water and bite-sized coconut pieces.

The temple, now coming under the purview of the education department of the Government of India, will now require prospective devotees to scrawl their answers to a tough questionnaire on the outer walls of the temple to prove their eligibility for the IIT Deity's benevolence. The highly whittled down group of extraordinary IIT-seekers who pass this test will then be allowed to enter the temple and scrawl their IIT wish-list on the inner walls of the temple.

Various coaching classes that have sprung up in the vicinity of the temple claim to provide a list of questions expected to be asked in the exam. The one under the banyan tree next to the well said that questions about the history of the temple and its surroundings are virtually certain to be asked but refused to elaborate, instead, requiring students to purchase its study material for additional tips and pointers.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

President Bush to send more troops to stop British troops from leaving Iraq

The US will be sending additional troops to Iraq in order to prevent British troops from leaving the country, said President Bush, during a late Wednesday night appearance on television. Maintaining a grave demeanor, not unlike the time he gave the Chancellor of Germany a back rub during the countries' bilateral talks, President Bush warned Americans that Britain's decision of reducing its troop strength in Iraq by 3,000 would necessitate the dispatch of 20,000 additional American reinforcements, also called "a surge", to keep the British from "cutting and running".

Explaining the situation, President Bush said that military analysts had assured him that for every British serviceman trying to escape the war-torn nation, the American army would require two soldiers, one to hold him back and another to punch him in the gut every time he uttered the word "mate". The remaining 14,000 would be needed to screw in the proverbial light-bulb.

Republicans in Congress have criticized the President's decision as too little, too late and said that additional troops to prevent coalition partners from escaping should have been dispatched right back when Spain announced its intention of withdrawing its forces from Iraq.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair, when asked for a comment, replied, "Since I am a friend of both President Bush as well as the British people, I would prefer not to take sides in this conflict."

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Monday, January 08, 2007

Ganges too polluted to defecate in, say Sadhus

The All India Association of Sadhus, Swamis and Snake Oil Sellers (or NAMBLA), has claimed that the extraordinary degree of pollutedness of the Ganges river is severely affecting their ability to use its water for their daily toiletry.

In a press statement, the committee of visibly constipated Godmen declared that the huge amount of pre-existing fecal matter in the water of the river, along with fertilizers and pesticides, was making it hazardous to use this water as a medium for cleaning excrement off their bodies. As a result, many of them had not had an opportunity to empty their bowels into the depths of the river, thus adding to the health risk. This problem was causing particular hardship to the millions of Hindu devotees who throng the banks of the river this time of year during the Ardha Kumbh Mela to perform a ritual discharge of their waste into its putrid but soul-purifying waters.

The polluted waters have also been blamed for an increase in the occurrence of skin diseases. Earlier, the only skin diseases caused were those that were passed from one bathing devotee to another. Now however, the water itself brings forth the microbes that cause these maladies.

Other Sadhus have also expressed apprehension regarding the future of their own remains once they have passed on to the next life. Many Hindu holy men prefer to incinerate their mortal remains on the banks of the river and disperse their ashes into its waters, a process which reportedly guarantees them rich dividends in the heavenly afterlife. However, with the river being dangerously polluted, these Sadhus are now reluctant to share its water space with foreign feculence not of their own making.

Maintaining a united stand on the issue, the Association of Sadhus has threatened that if the government were not to take immediate and drastic steps towards cleansing the river, all ten million of its members would boycott the Mela this year and refuse to deposit their body waste into its waters, eternal salvation be damned.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Before being against feminism, you need to know what it means

I like how lately, every fucking jackass person with a keyboard and a voltage stabilizer will come up with an opinion about feminism and feel the urge to communicate it to the unenlightened uneducated masses. For example, this guy (via DP). Who thinks that feminism "preaches that women should compete with men in all walks of life in a bid to prove their point and outsmart men". And then goes on to "prove" why feminism is flawed.

I would like to take this opportunity to request people who think they oppose feminism to first be aware of what the fuck it is that they think they are opposing.

As I commented at this guy's blog, feminism is not about male-female competition. Fuck competition. In fact, when you think about it, feminism has very little to do with men. Feminism is about giving a woman the fundamental birthright over her own body, over her own life and her own destiny. Feminism strives to give women protection under the law (theoretically as well as practically). Feminism tries to make sure that societal norms will evolve to a point such that women will be able to live their lives as citizens who can be self-sufficient psychologically as well as economically.

Feminism would like women to be able to move around freely without being molested by sexually starved men. Feminism would prefer that women be left out of caste warfare and that their genitals and souls not be made to bear the brunt of centuries old religious and social dogma. Feminism would also like women to be able to have control over their own vaginas and not be subject to the diktats of a bunch of righteous old men held hostage by the preachings of a hoary book of indeterminate vintage and relevance. And lastly, feminism would really love it if you didn't kill your fetus just because she's a girl. Instead, Feminism would plead with you to give birth to her, nurture her, educate her and see how she soars.

Feminism is all that and more. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I haven't covered most of it. But this much I can say with confidence : Feminism will not think less of you just because you decide to lug your girlfriend's 80 kilo suitcase. No, Feminism will call that mere common courtesy.

I realize, of course, that I could be one of those fucking jackasses people I mentioned, foisting his asinine opinions about feminism on the world. If such be the case, please do let me know.

Update : As Falstaff points out correctly in his comment, contrary to what I said earlier, Feminism, or just about any other ism, would probably frown upon this particular instance of 80 kilo suitcase handling due to the blogger's motives behind doing it, which is, to avoid the self-manufactured feeling of emasculation that might result, were he to allow his girlfriend to carry the suitcase. In short, it's all about him and his insecurities and little to do with feminism. But the problem here is that far from this being the warped viewpoint of just one blogger, I think that this perception about feminism, about it being merely an instrument used by women to emasculate the male of the species, to make him feel less manly is a pretty common one. And it needs to be systematically eradicated because that is probably the most oversimplified caricaturization of contemporary feminism as we know it.

Update 2 : Looking back, we could probably have done without calling people "fucking jackasses". How about we chalk this one up to Samuel Adams Winter Lager, eh?

Update3 : Strawfeminists and more straw-chewing chauvinists.

Friday, January 05, 2007

TIME magazine planning to lay You off

A mere two weeks after bestowing upon You the Person of the Year Award, TIME magazine is now ready to lay You off. These lay-offs will affect You in the editorial team, You in CNN as well as You in People magazine and Sports Illustrated.

Explaining the decision, TIME said that although You are a great human being and well-deserving of this award, You were also, at the same time, a terrible employee. In fact, the very attributes that made You the Person of the Year, namely, an active desire to participate in the web-based dissemination of information, contributed to your shoddy performance at the workplace that will lead to your dismissal. When You should have been busy evaluating copy and correcting grammatical errors in your articles, instead, You were busy uploading the video of You wearing a Borat bikini on YouTube. When You should have been chasing stories and trying to determine who would be the next Person of the Year, You were instead writing post upon post on your blog about how it was You who got the very worst assignments.

Before laying You off, however, TIME expressed its gratitude towards You for that amazing brainstorm You had in coming up with the idea of naming Yourself as the Person of the Year, as well as your immense YouTube and blogging experience that made this issue possible. Although TIME no longer requires this skill-set from You, at the same time, TIME also wishes You the best and hopes that You will continue to enjoy success in your extra-curricular internet ventures, especially since You will now have significantly more time to invest in their execution once your employment there has been terminated.