Thursday, April 09, 2009

ISI developing suicide vests tiny enough to be worn by a fetus

The Pakistani Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI) reports that it is carrying out research, the results of which are expected to revolutionize the field of suicide bombing. This groundbreaking research, carried out in collaboration with top Pakistani madrassas, is focused on designing a suicide vest small enough to be worn comfortably by a 6 month old fetus. At the same time, the explosives packed within will be powerful enough to cause the same damage as that worn by an 11 year old boy.

Commenting on this amazing breakthrough in jihadi technology, ISI officials said that the design of this tiny vest would result in a significant reduction in suicide bomber development cycle times which currently range from about ten to fifteen years.

"Old and outdated suicide vest technology required us to nurture, feed and clothe every single bomber from the time of his birth right up to his first and last mission, which could take years. The whole thing wasn't very cost-effective. Now, with this new technology, God's cute little soldiers can begin to blow stuff (and themselves) up mere months after being conceived."

Although most fetuses have been known to suffer from issues of defiance and independent thinking, manifested by their steadfast refusal to leave the womb on command and carry out a terrorist attack, it is hoped that watching religious indoctrination videos during their conception will lead to a new breed of fetuses that are aware of their martyrdom objective and better-prepared to serve in God's army.

Labels: ,

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Extraordinarily asinine observation of the day

Comes to you, courtesy Glenn Reynolds, the Insta"Pundit" and law professor at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, who says,

“I have a number of students who are licensed to carry weapons and I’d feel safer, not less safe, knowing that they are carrying on campus. I certainly would feel safer if some of my colleagues were armed, too”


Hopefully, it's just an April fool's prank from the venerable professor. But just in case it's not, he gets adequately taken to task at Gin and Tacos (via Instaputz) :

"Such a comment would lead me to question whether the speaker has ever stood in front of a classroom in his or her life. Since Mr. Reynolds clearly has done so, I must proceed to questioning just how profoundly this person is retarded.........Sorry. I can think of none other to describe someone who has stood at the front of a giant public university lecture hall packed with 150 sleep-deprived, emotionally unbalanced, substance abusing, clinically depressed, and stressed out 20 year olds and thought, “You know what would make me feel safer? If they all had fucking guns.”

Labels:

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Clueless in Bihar

Via SearchIndia :

On March 5, 2009 Nitish Kumar took a rickshaw to go to watch the movie Slumdog Millionaire in a cinema hall. A posse of security personnel ran behind him for the entire stretch of over three kilometres..........Talking to the mediapersons he said that “I had heard a lot about the movie that has won eight Oscar awards depicting the life of the common man. I decided to take the mode of transport of common people to watch it. I wanted to relate with them.” (link)

Labels:

Cognitive dissonance

Chuck Norris, pro-America : Black Belt Patriotism: How to Reawaken America

Chuck Norris, anti-America : I want Texas to secede from America and I want to be President of Texas.

Labels:

Friday, October 31, 2008

Fast forward to 2012


Above : John McCain introduces his Vice Presidential pick for the 2012 presidential campaign to the country. Alyasa Howald is expected to energize the lactating female Republican demographic.

Labels:

Thursday, October 30, 2008

This is just sad

At a rally today in Ohio, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) accused Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) of wanting to “spread the wealth.” McCain then summoned Joe the Plumber, who wasn’t even in the audience:

McCAIN: That’s only because Joe the Plumber asked [Obama] the right questions right here in Ohio. … Joe’s with us today. Joe, where are you? Where is Joe? Is Joe here with us today? Joe, I thought you were here today.

[CROSSTALK]

McCAIN: All right, well you’re all Joe the Plumbers, so all of you stand up!

(via)

Labels:

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

QOTD

John McCain, speaking in Virginia Beach :
"We have 22 days to go. We're six points down. The national media has written us off. Senator Obama is measuring the drapes. My friends, we've got them just where we want them."

Labels:

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

The Beer Drinker's Presidential Candidate

When it comes to presidential campaigns, I am an issues oriented voter. And similar to last year, the issue that is predominantly weighing on my mind is whether my presidential candidate will be able to transition seamlessly from his senatorial duties to those involved in being my drinking partner.

Now to tell you the truth, I not an American citizen and therefore, legally, unable to vote. But I am, however, trying to assimilate myself into the culture and electoral sensibilities of this country so that when the time comes I will be ready to take my citizenship oath in body, mind and spirit. Which is why yesterday, my only concern while watching John McCain and Barack Obama face off in the second presidential debate was, which of those two guys would be best qualified to quaff a pint with me. To fully focus on what was happening during the debate, I turned off the television captioning because I did not want "words" or "ideas" to cloud my judgment of their co-drinking abilities. And this is what my final verdict was.

John McCain would be a terrible drinking buddy. America certainly deserves much better. Now I'm not really a social drinker and I do most of my drinking alone sitting in a tiny room with doors and windows closed and all electrical appliances turned off but the foremost thought running through my mind yesterday as I watched John McCain try to make the case for being a great drinking buddy was, someday if I were to find myself stranded on a desert island and could choose one person not to have a drink with, that person would be Sen. John McCain.

I would definitely not want to be John McCain's drinking partner. Not if we were drinking at my place. That's because because Sen. McCain would probably pick up his drink and go wandering all over my house. Like he did last night at the debate. Did you see that? Whereas Barack Obama sat tight on a stool during his adversary's speaking time trying his best not to look elitist, when it was Obama's turn to speak, John McCain kept puttering all over the place like the Energizer bunny. I am not sure if he was trying to walk off an erection or an irrepressible urge to urinate or if he was merely attempting to prevent his leg muscles from atrophying, but each time the camera focused on Sen. Obama, you could see movement in the background and it was John McCain in ambulatory mode. So that's why I'm not that big on having John McCain over for a drink. I don't want him meandering aimlessly through my basement, bathrooms and closets with a glass full of liquid in his hand. I would have to follow him around just so I'm able to hear what he's muttering under his breath and he would probably crash into stuff and spill everything all over the floor and look unduly surprised on being informed that I do not employ at least five servants to clean up that mess.

I wouldn't want John McCain sitting beside me in a bar either. Mostly because John McCain doesn't seem like he is ever in a good mood. During yesterday's debate, John McCain spent most of his time looking extremely irritated as if he was vexed at why the American public was even pretending that they had a choice in the matter of electing him and were forcing him to share a stage with this gangly young communist prick from Chicago.And even when he smiled, you could see that right behind the curve of his distended lips lay sharp pointed fangs that were itching to break out and gnaw your face off.

Now when you're having a drink with a buddy in the bar, it is difficult for you to relax and forget your worldly cares and tensions if your drinking partner is constantly in the mindset of gnawing people's faces off. It introduces a palpable tension in the air and it is far from relaxing, which is why you're there in the first place. With John McCain at your side, you are always on edge because you are aware that at any given moment, you might have to physically restrain him from walking over to a neighboring table and yelling at some punk that he (John McCain) didn't get shot down in Vietnam so he (the punk) could wear that stupid shirt in public. And how about getting a haircut and a shower? No, those would definitely not be good drinking times.

But how about a scenario where John McCain would merely be in the same bar as you are in, not with you as such, but alone, by himself, perhaps sitting a couple of stools away? I pondered over that situation as well because I really want to cover all angles for this presidential election. Well, from what I saw yesterday, that could be a problem as well. John McCain, eyeing me from two stools over would undoubtedly take issue with me, probably with something I'm wearing or saying or my sports team affiliation or the fact that that I'm nursing a draft and not a bottle, you know, stuff that pisses off crotchety old men. And he would quite possibly pass a lot of snide remarks while conversing with an imaginary person, you know, something like what he did yesterday to "that one" guy, before walking up and asking me to fuck off because he'd been frequenting this bar ever since he was a kid and I was not from here and therefore, not welcome. That would spoil my evening too.

So, as a beer drinking person, this is my final word on John McCain as a potential drinking partner. A resounding no. As for Barack Obama, I am aware that he does seem a bit too knowledgeable about stuff and would probably kick my ass in an argument on just about anything, but what you have to remember is that he sucks at bowling. Really, really sucks. So at the end of the day, when you're stumbling back to your car after a night of drinking and bowling with the President of the United States, you will continue to be secure in the belief that you are a better, more accomplished human being than him, at least in the field of bowling, and that should put your mind at ease as you crawl into your bed and try to drown out the screams of your broken crushed dreams through soothing slumber.

And ultimately, isn't that what you really look for in a president?

Labels:

Friday, October 03, 2008

The 2008 VP Debate

Alright, since I'm the best political team on this blog, I might as well weigh in on what happened yesterday. But before I do that, two things. Sarah, being a maverick is kinda like being good in bed. It is something best left for other people to say about you instead of you saying it about yourself. And Joe, thank you for baring your teeth in a frightening fashion only twice during the debate. You certainly have a lot of magnificent teeth and they do need to be bared occasionally but you kept those occasions to a minimum and that was a good thing.

So that being said, Palin was okay. As expected, she was all verbiage and no substance. What was different from her past few interviews was that her words were leaving her mouth in the correct sequence with meaning attached. In this debate, she did not act like she had just woken up after a night of hard partying and forgotten to drink a glass of water for every vodka tonic she had. She talked fast and if you weren't paying close attention to what she was saying, the urgency of her delivery could make you believe she was saying something worthwhile. Sadly, she was not. She dodged a number of questions. Her answers were not specific. Where Joe Biden spoke knowledgeably about the sub prime mortgage crisis, Bosnia, Hamas, Hezbollah, Darfur and Pakistan, Sarah Palin spouted vapid, generic catch phrases like "corruption on Wall street" and "the white flag of surrender" and "love of Israel" and "opposing troop funding". Same old Palin, just that this time, she was at least offering correct talking points in response to the correct question.

Palin's lack of actual knowledge as well as the evidence of her cramming showed through. She looked like she wanted to get through the damn thing ASAP so she could get back to her hotel room and drill for oil. Seldom, after Senator Biden stopped speaking on an issue, did she look like she was eager to offer a repudiation of what he had just said. Most of the times she was content with merely delivering her memorized lines and getting on with it unless, God forbid, the moderator actually asked her to respond, in which case, her response was "...uh...I disagree, but let me bring up this stuff instead that's wholly unrelated to what we are talking about right now." The couple of times she actually did offer a counter-argument, it did not pertain to what was being discussed. When the topic was the mortgage crisis and deregulation, she kept talking about tax increases. When the issue was the bailout package, she kept babbling about energy bills. It was as if she was trying to recognize individual words and phrases from Joe Biden's narrative and quickly rummaging through her Rolodex of talking points to see if they matched anything in there.

On foreign policy, Joe Biden killed her. It was a thing of beauty and pathos. Palin didn't say a single thing we haven't already heard said a million times on television. If a 5 month old baby were allowed to watch CNN an hour everyday for a week, he would have done a better job than did Ms. Palin and would have been cuter. Joe, on the other hand, was informative, confident and detailed. Sarah Palin was reduced to throwing names around, names Americans are afraid of and that haunt them in their dreams. Ahmedinejad, Kim Jong Il, Castro. Ahmedinejad, Kim Jong Il, Castro. In response to the question whether a nuclear Pakistan was worse or a nuclear Iran, Joe Biden took two hundred and sixty three words to reply. Palin's answer? "Both are extremely dangerous, of course." Really Sarah? You think so?

Winner? Joe Biden was commanding, knowledgeable (or what television hacks like to call "professorial") and detailed (or what they like to call dull). Even though he had the serious disadvantage of being a wrinkly old man as opposed to being a pretty young woman, he did sufficiently well in the debate to overcome this drawback. The media will tell you that Sarah Palin succeeded merely by failing to tie her shoelaces together by mistake and falling off the podium. Seriously, is this what Americans have come to accept as success? Is this the vice presidential bar my metal detector just discovered buried deep underneath my foot?

I hope not. But let's see.

Update : More here.

Labels:

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Fist jabs and chest bumps

Reading Patrix's view on the Obama terrorist fist jab and his mention of the Bush chest bump, it got me to thinking how the passage of time since 9/11 had dulled my own danger-sniffing abilities so much so that I probably wouldn't recognize a national threat even if it were to crawl up my pant legs, tear a hole in my pocket and lay the seeds of mankind's destruction therein. I also realized how important it is for one to watch Fox News regularly in order to stay abreast of the latest developments in how we are all going to eventually die of terrorism.

But since we are talking about Fox News, let me just take a moment to express my disappointment with Fox News, who has, since then, canceled "America's Pulse", the program that first highlighted the clear connection between two people exchanging a celebratory knuckle collision and the death of gajillions. Shame on you, Fox News. If you were weak enough to cave in to the objections of a two-bit liberal organization like Media Matters, how are we supposed to trust you to defend us from a potential Democratic president whose first order of business after assuming the reigns of power would be to deliver Ohio to Iran, Florida to Kim Jong Il, Louisiana to Hamas and Alabama to Massachusetts? How?

But back to fist jabs. Patrix commented how chest bumping is not a presidential activity. I am afraid it is more sinister than that. After having been reminded by Fox News on the serious implications that body-part collisions have on national security, I have realized that we have in our midst, an even worse threat to the US of A, called George W. Bush. To me, George W. Bush's chest bump spells out "Al Qaida" even more clearly than Obama's fist jab, his terrorist dictator middle name not-withstanding. To me, George W. Bush's calisthenics at the US Air Force Academy looked more like a Suicide Bomber Chest Strapped Explosive Pack Detonation bump. Obviously, a suicide bomber in the White House is a much graver danger to American national security than a terrorist fist jabber merely aspiring to be in the White House.

Where are you, Fox News when we most need you?

Labels:

Thursday, April 03, 2008

The Times of India does a Fox News

Hindus (at least 10 out of the 800 million) are up in arms against the TOI's satiric depiction of Obama and Clinton as Krishna and Radha. It's not yet clear whether they are objecting to the TOI casting a black man as a blue deity or specifically Obama as Krishna or whether it is a more well-reasoned objection to Obama playing Krishna and being referred to as Osama (See red).

(via the Mutiny)

Labels: ,

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

How did Huckabee make it this far?

So Mike Huckabee, the final crazy person in the presidential race finally dropped out and now it can be safely said that the next American president will definitely be better than the current one. When I say Huckabee is crazy, it is probably an understatement. It has been amazing how openly insane this guy has been without anyone officially proclaiming him as such.This is a guy who does not believe in evolution, is a biblical literalist, thinks the legalization of gay marriage automatically means that we have to legalize bestiality and has said that AIDS affected people should be quarantined from society. He made an astounding statement which, in my opinion, should have resulted in an automatic one-way ticket to a lunatic asylum. He said that the reason the US is in need of immigrant labor is because the Americans have been aborting a lot of babies. So essentially, what Huckabee was implying was that the poor should keep producing low-wage babies so that the rich would not have to turn to Mexico for their toilet-cleaning and fruit-picking needs. That implication is so bugfuck insane, yet, no one appears to have given it the attention it deserved.

But most egregiously, Mike Huckabee publicly claimed to be counting on a miracle from God to help him sew up the Republican nomination. As in, he actually disregarded all the numerical evidence showing that he did not have a chance in hell of beating John McCain in favor of his hope that a miracle was definitely going to happen that would bestow upon him the Republican nomination. “Well I didn’t major in math, I majored in miracles. And I still believe in those, too.", is what he said. In layman's terms, it means that this is a guy who claims that if he were to win the presidential nomination, he would suspend his belief in 2+2 = 4. That is even crazier than hearing words from God and feeling His Divine Paws petting your behind in approval.

Seriously, forget the presidency, who in their right mind would be willing to hire this guy even as an employee, a guy who depends on miracles to get things done? If the CEO of some company made this statement, would the board of directors waste any time before throwing him out? Isn't the leadership of the free world more important than that of some company? What is wrong with the media? Shouldn't this kind of nonsense from a presidential candidate be scrutinized and given the amount of ridicule it deserves? Why did Huckabee even make it this far? Or is the fact that he is a man of religion absolve him of all his stupidity? But anyways, thank the Lord Almighty that this insane bastard will not be leader of the free world, at least for the next four years.

The next thing Mike Huckabee needs to do is sit down and ponder upon why he lost. Obviously the miracle he was hoping from God was denied him. Does the tremendous ass-kicking he received at the hands of John McCain mean that God loves John McCain more than him? Does his defeat signify that maybe God has different beliefs about abortion and homos and Darwin and everything else Huckabee has believed throughout his life? On the other hand, maybe this would be a good time for Huckabee to think about whether God even exists at all in the first place. In either case, Mike Huckabee should realize that as it stands right now, there is no way that Mike Huckabee's religious worldview is correct. Either God does not approve of Mike Huckabee or there is no God. There cannot be a third option.

Labels: , ,

Monday, February 25, 2008

Fox guarding the henhouse

Via MG, we come to know of this statement by the Chief Justice of Karnataka, Cyriac Joseph and State Human Rights Commission Chairperson Justice S.R.Nayak, stating that immodest dressing was the cause of increasing crimes against women.
The Chairperson, State Human Rights Commission, speaking on ‘Human Rights and the Lawyers Role’, gave his opinion on the Mumbai New Year molestation issue, when two women had their dresses torn off by a mob of men outside a nightclub: “Yes, men are bad… But who asked them (the women) to venture out in the night…Women should not have gone out in the night and when they do, there is no point in complaining that men touched them and hit them. Youth are destroying our culture for momentary satisfaction.”

Alright people, are you with me here? Did your jaw just drop to the floor? If not, then you probably weren't paying attention. That was the Chairperson of the Karnatak State Human Rights Commission advocating the cessation of human rights. Call me greedy, but in my opinion, the right not to be imprisoned in your own house would constitute a fundamental human right. Or am I asking for too much? What next, a forest conservation commission chairperson blaming trees for getting cut due to their egregious act of casting shade and thus, advertizing their presence to illegal loggers? Or, perhaps in the eyes of the Karnatak State government, women do not constitute as human beings? Is that it?

Seriously, Karnatak, we gotta talk. Whatever it is that you are using as a criterion for appointing people to government posts, it's not working. What the fuck, Human Rights Commission Chairman S.R.Nayak? Do you even know what your job duties entail? Do they or do they not involve protecting the human rights of Indians? Here's a hint : The answer is in your fucking job title. And further, please respond to my question : Do you or do you not believe that restricting someone's movements to inside their dwelling is a gross violation of their human rights? Would you do that to your own daughter? Or your wife?

But hey, maybe that IS the problem with you and your kind. Maybe you do believe in enslaving the women in your life. Maybe Mr S.R.Nayak, you HAVE locked your wife in her bedroom, and are feeding her scraps of food from under the door, convinced that each time her body is exposed to the outside world, it is an open invitation for the world to violate it. Maybe your daughter IS languishing in exile in your basement, waiting for a time when she can be handed over to her next husband-owner-protector. Maybe even as we speak, doctors imported from Yemen and the Sudan are working on sewing her vagina shut in order to preempt the possibility of those demonic labia enticing some innocent male into violating the evil sanctuary they protect. Maybe every time someone looks at your daughter with lust in his eyes, it's another raw whip mark on her back. It's always the woman's fault isn't it?

But S.R.Nayak, here's the thing. It's not. And it is your professional responsibility to make sure that Indians know that it is not. And it is also your responsibility to treat every crime perpetrated on every woman with the seriousness it deserves. Stop acting like a fucking ten year old child with your juvenile standards of morality and decency and grow the fuck up. Or, if you can't do that, at least do us the courtesy of resigning from your fucking job. After all, Indians are paying for your salary and they sure as hell want to get their money's worth.

Labels:

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

QOTD

The Rude Pundit, on why Hillary and Obama supporters need to tone down the no-holds-barred internecine slugfest.

Passion in politics is goddamned great. It's like that awesome kind of sex where you don't know if you're fucking or fighting but either way it feels incredible. But you don't wanna slam your fuck partner around so hard that you break his or her limbs or rupture something inside. 'Cause otherwise, how are you gonna fuck again?


Brilliant.

Labels: , , ,

Monday, December 03, 2007

Back

Alright, looks like they released her.

Disclaimer : The contents of this blog are mostly fictional. Some might be fact-based, but that would be coincidental. The accuracy of these fact-based contents should, in no way, cast an aspersion upon the inherent fictionality of this blog.