Wednesday, October 08, 2008

The Beer Drinker's Presidential Candidate

When it comes to presidential campaigns, I am an issues oriented voter. And similar to last year, the issue that is predominantly weighing on my mind is whether my presidential candidate will be able to transition seamlessly from his senatorial duties to those involved in being my drinking partner.

Now to tell you the truth, I not an American citizen and therefore, legally, unable to vote. But I am, however, trying to assimilate myself into the culture and electoral sensibilities of this country so that when the time comes I will be ready to take my citizenship oath in body, mind and spirit. Which is why yesterday, my only concern while watching John McCain and Barack Obama face off in the second presidential debate was, which of those two guys would be best qualified to quaff a pint with me. To fully focus on what was happening during the debate, I turned off the television captioning because I did not want "words" or "ideas" to cloud my judgment of their co-drinking abilities. And this is what my final verdict was.

John McCain would be a terrible drinking buddy. America certainly deserves much better. Now I'm not really a social drinker and I do most of my drinking alone sitting in a tiny room with doors and windows closed and all electrical appliances turned off but the foremost thought running through my mind yesterday as I watched John McCain try to make the case for being a great drinking buddy was, someday if I were to find myself stranded on a desert island and could choose one person not to have a drink with, that person would be Sen. John McCain.

I would definitely not want to be John McCain's drinking partner. Not if we were drinking at my place. That's because because Sen. McCain would probably pick up his drink and go wandering all over my house. Like he did last night at the debate. Did you see that? Whereas Barack Obama sat tight on a stool during his adversary's speaking time trying his best not to look elitist, when it was Obama's turn to speak, John McCain kept puttering all over the place like the Energizer bunny. I am not sure if he was trying to walk off an erection or an irrepressible urge to urinate or if he was merely attempting to prevent his leg muscles from atrophying, but each time the camera focused on Sen. Obama, you could see movement in the background and it was John McCain in ambulatory mode. So that's why I'm not that big on having John McCain over for a drink. I don't want him meandering aimlessly through my basement, bathrooms and closets with a glass full of liquid in his hand. I would have to follow him around just so I'm able to hear what he's muttering under his breath and he would probably crash into stuff and spill everything all over the floor and look unduly surprised on being informed that I do not employ at least five servants to clean up that mess.

I wouldn't want John McCain sitting beside me in a bar either. Mostly because John McCain doesn't seem like he is ever in a good mood. During yesterday's debate, John McCain spent most of his time looking extremely irritated as if he was vexed at why the American public was even pretending that they had a choice in the matter of electing him and were forcing him to share a stage with this gangly young communist prick from Chicago.And even when he smiled, you could see that right behind the curve of his distended lips lay sharp pointed fangs that were itching to break out and gnaw your face off.

Now when you're having a drink with a buddy in the bar, it is difficult for you to relax and forget your worldly cares and tensions if your drinking partner is constantly in the mindset of gnawing people's faces off. It introduces a palpable tension in the air and it is far from relaxing, which is why you're there in the first place. With John McCain at your side, you are always on edge because you are aware that at any given moment, you might have to physically restrain him from walking over to a neighboring table and yelling at some punk that he (John McCain) didn't get shot down in Vietnam so he (the punk) could wear that stupid shirt in public. And how about getting a haircut and a shower? No, those would definitely not be good drinking times.

But how about a scenario where John McCain would merely be in the same bar as you are in, not with you as such, but alone, by himself, perhaps sitting a couple of stools away? I pondered over that situation as well because I really want to cover all angles for this presidential election. Well, from what I saw yesterday, that could be a problem as well. John McCain, eyeing me from two stools over would undoubtedly take issue with me, probably with something I'm wearing or saying or my sports team affiliation or the fact that that I'm nursing a draft and not a bottle, you know, stuff that pisses off crotchety old men. And he would quite possibly pass a lot of snide remarks while conversing with an imaginary person, you know, something like what he did yesterday to "that one" guy, before walking up and asking me to fuck off because he'd been frequenting this bar ever since he was a kid and I was not from here and therefore, not welcome. That would spoil my evening too.

So, as a beer drinking person, this is my final word on John McCain as a potential drinking partner. A resounding no. As for Barack Obama, I am aware that he does seem a bit too knowledgeable about stuff and would probably kick my ass in an argument on just about anything, but what you have to remember is that he sucks at bowling. Really, really sucks. So at the end of the day, when you're stumbling back to your car after a night of drinking and bowling with the President of the United States, you will continue to be secure in the belief that you are a better, more accomplished human being than him, at least in the field of bowling, and that should put your mind at ease as you crawl into your bed and try to drown out the screams of your broken crushed dreams through soothing slumber.

And ultimately, isn't that what you really look for in a president?

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