A brief synopsis of Ted Nugent's pro-gun column today on CNN:
(As translated by the Editor)
I will enumerate a number of instances where people with guns killed people without guns. Then, I will prove to you why the people without guns should have had guns. You remember the movie where everybody pointed a gun at everybody else and no one pulled the trigger? That's what will happen. As long as no one sneezes or blinks or makes any sudden movements, we should be alright.
If a large number of us didn't have guns, the Lord only knows how many more of us would have fallen to gun violence.
At an eighth-grade school dance in Pennsylvania, a boy fatally shot a teacher and wounded two students before the owner of the dance hall brought the killing to a halt with his own gun. Just imagine, if the boy's mother had owned a gun as well his father, then the boy would have been confused as to which gun to take to school, thus averting a tragedy.
We do not ban water, steak knives and ammonium nitrate even though they kill people. Similarly, we shouldn't ban guns because like everything else, they can be misused, their actual use being as a sofa cushion. And while we are on the topic, I would also like to purchase some plutonium please, thank you.
Guns should not be banned because banning guns would make evil people happy and if I see a single evil person happy, it makes me want to blow my brains out. With a gun. Which I should be allowed to purchase freely.
My right to own a gun is God-given. God gave me that right. I know that because he occasionally asks me to use it on people. But I blow him off by telling him I have a dinner engagement. Oh God, he's a naive SOB.
The only people who hate guns *cough* liberals *cough* are those who believe dialing 911 will save your life (it doesn't, it only calls up the phone in your basement). These people would like to see good people dead because it makes them feel good about themselves and these people are fanatics about feeling good.
And finally, the following is added verbatim from the column without editorial comment in the hope that its inherent irony is self-evident.
"Already spineless gun control advocates are squawking like chickens with their tiny-brained heads chopped off, making political hay over this most recent, devastating Virginia Tech massacre, when in fact it is their own forced gun-free zone policy that enabled the unchallenged methodical murder of 32 people."
Bravo, CNN, you have risen to the occasion and given off your best.