Pope says evolution can only be verified in God's laboratory

Pope Benedict XVI has delivered his first opinions on evolution since he took office by saying that the theory can never ever be proven by humans. The Pope justified the decision to suspend his belief in evolution by saying that the theory would never be successfully tested in a human laboratory because of the physical difficulties involved in populating the laboratory simultaneously with 10,000 generations of humans in order to compare their genetic make-up.

However, the pope also made it clear that if there were anyone who could successfully prove or disprove the theory, it would be God, whose laboratory was much better equipped with unlimited resources and manpower. "It is common knowledge that the Lab of God, high up in the heavens, is said to be a thousand miles in length, a thousand miles in width and a million angel-lengths in height", said the Pope, explaining the infrastructural edge God had over humans in performing evolutionary experiments. "Therefore, to round up and fit ten thousand human generations inside this massive complex would not be an issue for Him at all, which, by the way, is made of pure gold and encrusted with millions of sparkling diamonds."

In addition to unlimited space, God has another advantage over humans, said the Pope. That was His boundless wisdom and patience that would allow him to see an experiment through to its logical conclusion. "It's a well-known and scientifically verifiable fact that God is all-knowing, all-seeing and all-understanding", said the Pope. "Who could possibly do a better job of working with and examining intricate and minuscule pieces of his own work such as DNA strands?"

Furthermore, the presence of gravity-defying winged Angels and Archangels, the existence of which has been thoroughly documented by some guy who lived over a thousand years ago, who could help God in the capacity of laboratory technicians, could also speed up the labor intensive process of obtaining genetic material from thousands of humans for the purpose of comparison. This would allow God to deliver his verdict on the legitimacy of the theory of evolution before Judgment Day, that day in the future, it has been proven beyond reasonable doubt, when every person on Earth will be whisked off the planet, thus rendering this entire debate over evolution meaningless.

"Just like humans should not believe in heaven or hell, unless they've seen those places with their own eyes, it is wrong to place any kind of belief in evolution until it can be successfully verified under controlled conditions", said the Pope in conclusion. "And that is something only the Supreme Deity in the Sky, whose presence has been scientifically verified time and time again, can do."