Tuesday, April 03, 2007

John McCain requests US Army to quit following him around in Iraq

Republican Presidential hopeful Senator John McCain has asked US Army commanders in Iraq to quit following him around and leave him alone, sources say. McCain, who recently claimed that Iraq has become safe enough that there “are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through those neighborhoods, today”, was eager to demonstrate his thesis by walking alone around an open-air Baghdad marketplace during his trip to that nation.

However, to his dismay, Sen. McCain found his solitude repeatedly disturbed by the US Army, which insisted on dogging him every step of the way during his leisurely stroll through the streets of Baghdad.

"All I wanted to do was to take a long solitary walk among those trees and burnt out car shells and I can't even do that without a BlackHawk helicopter or an Apache Gunship shadowing me from above", said McCain. "You are not the boss of me, US Army Sharpshooter on that terrace over there, so just leave me alone", he added with a toss of his weatherbeaten head. (via LGM)

Sen. McCain also expressed his disgust with the Army's insistence that he wear a bulletproof vest during his idyllic rambles. "I cannot imagine what these people think they are protecting me from. Bullets? Shrapnel fragments? This is Iraq, not Washington DC, you know", he said, referring to Rep. Steve King (R-IA)'s claim that the average Iraqi civilian was safer than an American in Washington DC. "What if I were to suddenly decide to pick flowers from a grassy meadow or jump into a pond with those Iraqi kids and splash around in a carefree manner to celebrate the safeness of this very safe neighborhood?", inquired McCain of his over-nurturing army tormentors. "How would I be able to do that with this heavy vest restricting my every degree of freedom?"

Commenting on the deserted streets of the neighborhood which a hundred armed US infantrymen had cleared of all Iraqi citizens in anticipation of his arrival, the Senator said, "Look how peaceful it is, not a single suicide bomber or IED in sight. Don't you wish downtown Manhattan were as serene and uncrowded?"

Army commanders, when asked for a response, said, "Our assignment is to make sure we send him back to the US in one piece. But it is turning into a highly difficult task. It's like he wants to get killed. He keeps asking to be let inside suspiciously abandoned vehicles or allowed to open unidentified packages left by the roadside just to prove how safe Iraqi streets really are."

If he were to make it back safe and sound, on his return to the US, Sen. McCain is scheduled to visit numerous American cities and hold meetings with their lawmakers in order to explore the feasibility of making them as safe as, if not safer than those in Iraq.

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