Friday, February 23, 2007

Jesus is back

Hey hey, the Christ is back and if you've got a Brooklyn bridge to sell, he's got the followers who'd be itching to buy it from you (via PZ). There he is, curiously clean-cut, delightfully plump, bizarrely well-attired and giving you a benevolent two-fingered salute, the same one, as a matter of fact, which the Jews of yore mistook for a one-fingered one and eventually crucified him for. I guess Jesus didn't learn his lesson.

There's just one catch : This time around, El Savior happens to be Latino and is currently operating under the earthly moniker, "Dr Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda". His parents must have been prophets to name their child with such extraordinary accuracy. But although Christ 2.0's abilities of impersonating a geostationary satellite in orbit, while at the same time, not disintegrating during atmospheric re-entry are far superior to that of his previous incarnation, as seen by his casual smiling demeanor in the picture as he loiters outside the earth's atmosphere, I anticipate him to face considerable difficulties in accomplishing the relatively easy task of crossing the Rio Grande into America. You know, with the Minutemen and all.

But that is but a minor irritant for all in all, he's doing well during his second stint as Mankind's Lord and Savior. Gone are those days of living a frugal life and having to feed five thousand people from the office with a mere five loaves of bread and just two fish. Second helpings weren't allowed. But the 21st century Christ reportedly "has his own television and radio satellite channels, more than 300+ television and radio programs, an entourage of 300+ faithful pastors and millions of followers" who are, it is claimed, "growing in numbers everyday". Whether it is through sheer procreation or some kind of Christian cloning process is still unknown.

Now I know there must be many among you who must be going, Wait a minute, how do I know he is not a mere false Christ? For the Bible says that there are going to be a number of false Christs making their appearance throughout my lifetime and that they shall have the power to deceive not only the ignorant and the stupid, such as you, but also those gifted with a supreme intelligence, such as I.

Dr Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda laughs at you my friend. Not an amused, condescending smirk, mind you, because he is above all those petty emotions, but a compassionate giggle, only meant to let you know how stupid you really are, in spite of all your understanding to the contrary.

You see, the gospel does warn of the nuisance of false Christs. But at the same time, the gospel also clearly states that this false Christ on his arrival, will perform "great signs and wonders" in order to bewitch you into submission.

And therein lies the acid test of authenticity, which Dr Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda passes with remarkable ease. Because Dr Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda cannot perform wonders or miracles. He would not be able to walk on water even if his Carnival Cruise ship were to hit an iceberg and the alternative were death by drowning. He would not be able to convert water into wine even if he were making a mushroom and wild rice risotto for his wife on their wedding anniversary, the recipe included white wine and the grocery stores were all closed.

No, Dr Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda is simply not able to perform any miracles or signs or wonders. And because he cannot perform miracles or signs or wonders, according to the gospel, he clearly cannot be a false Christ and HAS to be the real deal. The Real Christ. It is that simple. It is in the gospel.

And now, here you go, Brooklyn Bridge sellers, you know what to do.

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