Thursday, November 10, 2005

Anti-torture Senator to be dispatched to inspect secret CIA torture chambers

Vice President Dick Cheney today announced that recent revelations about secret CIA torture chambers being maintained in Eastern Europe by the US were extremely troubling, to say the least, and that he would be sending Republican Senator John McCain to Eastern Europe to investigate the matter.

Sen. McCain, who has been in the forefront of the anti-torture movement in the US Congress, and has launched a scathing attack on these torture chambers, has agreed to the vice president's request. He will reportedly be departing shortly for these "black sites", which upto now, were known only to the president and a handful of top officials in the CIA. The Press is puzzling over this uncharacteristically quick response from the Vice President, who has, till now, actively lobbied members of Congress and tried to dissuade them from voting for a bill that would forbid the CIA from using torture on enemy combatants. The Vice President is also trying to determine the source of the media leak about the existence of these torture sites, the source alleged to be a Republican senator.

McCain has been asked to pack all his clothes and belongings for his trip to Eastern Europe, which, Mr Cheney has said, could be extended indefinitely for an unknown period of time. The senator has also been asked to bring along with him a reasonable dosage of pain killers, anti-depressants, bandages and an extra set of toenails in order to combat the jetlag that he is sure to experience once he gets there. In case of any medical emergencies befalling the senator during his trip, he has also been asked to complete a detailed questionnaire about any pre-existing medical conditions he might have, or things he might be allergic to, like electric current flowing through his testicles. Sen. McCain will also write his last will and testament before he departs, on orders from the White House, which maintains this to be a new requirement to be fulfilled by all American citizens before they embark on trips to Eastern Europe.

On being asked how he felt about the trip, the senator replied cheerfully, "I am looking forward to it. I have always wanted to travel to Eastern Europe ever since the fall of the Berlin Wall. I might even visit Prague, which I've heard is wonderful this time of the year." The senator was then handcuffed for his own safety, in case the plane should experience turbulence, and whisked inside.

In other news, a terrorist plot was foiled in Australia after an Al Qaida cell, frustrated with it's inability to find any targets worth bombing in Australia, finally put out a newspaper ad asking fellow citizens to come up with ideas.

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