President Bush today announced that the document that outlines the strategy for winning the war in Iraq has finally been found on his ranch in Crawford after mysteriously going AWOL three years ago. The document, that had been missing ever since the beginning of the Iraq war, specifies American objectives in Iraq and contains detailed instructions on how to defeat the insurgency, strengthen Iraq's economy and mobilize international support for the war.
White House sources reveal that the document had been drafted at the beginning of the Iraq war, but had disappeared shortly thereafter, never to be seen again till now. Suspicions abound over what exactly happened to this extremely important piece of paper, without which, US forces in Iraq had to resort to muddling their way through the war in the absence of any orders being delivered by the military command.
Some White House insiders claim that the document was used in a treasure hunt at the Crawford Ranch by the First Family and then drifted into oblivion after no one claimed to have found it. Others assert that it was used as a scrawling pad to request a bathroom break by the President at a United Nations meeting, who then crumpled it up and used it as a projectile to assault Afghan President Hamid Karzai in a fit of peevishness after his request was denied by Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice.
To commemorate this momentous occasion, the President flew onto the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln on a fighter jet in full military attire. "Today will go down in history as the day when America finally rediscovered her plan on how to accomplish victory in Iraq", announced the President to a crowd of applauding homesick servicemen. "Mission accomplished. Seriously people, this time I'm not making things up."
The discovery of this document is sure to satisfy critics of the war in that the dismal failure of the Iraqi invasion was caused not by the lack of a plan, but by it's misplacement. It also explains the ever-too-frequent vacationing of the President at his ranch, ostensibly to clear brush, but which in reality, as we now know, was a major undercover operation to locate the missing document.
With coalition troops now back in possession of this document, the Sunnis, Shias and Kurds are expected to resolve their centuries old disagreements in a matter of days, quickly rebuild the dismantled Iraqi army and install a working democratic government by consensus, thus making it possible for coalition troops to pull out of the volatile region.
In unrelated news, identification of the bodies of Katrina victims has hit a hurdle with authorities admitting, "they all look alike".