Thursday, November 17, 2005

Iraqi torture facilities still sub-par, US troops to stay on

The Republican controlled Senate voted against a bill proposed by Democrats to demand that President Bush set a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq, citing the reason that torture facilities in Iraq were still below pre-invasion standards of atrocious cruelty.

Speaking at a press briefing, President Bush praised the Senate's vote. "If we pull out of Iraq today, thousands of worthy Iraqi citizens will go untortured or be exposed to dismal standards of torture", said the President. "For Iraqi life to return back to normal, it is necessary for facilities to be rebuilt that would maintain the same terrible level of human rights violations that used to be the norm during Saddam Hussain's regime."

Bayan Jabr, the Iraqi interior minister agreed with President Bush's assessment of the pathetic state of sub-brutal authoritarianism of the government currently existing in the fledgeling nation. "Nobody has been beheaded or killed yet during torture," lamented the glum interior minister during a news conference on thursday, adding that only seven of 170 detainees showed any marks of torture at all. "And we haven't yet mastered the American art of delicately arranging naked prisoners in complex three dimensional geometric layouts. However, with rigorous training in modern techniques of savagery currently being imparted to our militiamen by the coalition forces, we hope to get up to speed pretty soon", he concluded hopefully.

To aid coalition forces in their monumental task, President Bush has promised to dispatch the Vice President Dick Cheney to Iraq, where he will hold hands-on training sessions to instruct budding monsters on how to disembowel recalcitrant prisoners, using nothing but nails and fangs.

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