Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Bruce Willis to aid troops in making Iraqi battle scenes more spectacular

Close on the heels of President Bush announcing the existence of an actual strategy for winning the war on Iraq, which, gauging from poll results, most Americans appeared to be unimpressed with, the military establishment is now trying out other methods to make the Iraq war more palatable to the public. In this regard, prominent Hollywood actor, stuntman and pro-war activist Bruce Willis has been recruited as a consultant by coalition troops.

Mr. Willis, who is a veteran of numerous insurgent wars fought on Hollywood film-sets has been entrusted with the job of making coalition troops' battles with Iraqi insurgents more television friendly by increasing their spectacularity and razzle-dazzle. "You want to know why the 1991 Gulf War was so popular in America? I'll tell you why", remarked Mr. Willis on being questioned about his strategy. "It's because it was made for television. All those bombs and things falling on Iraqi homes along with explosions and stuff blowing up. The American public could relate to all that. That's the secret to a successful war."

Willis's mission will consist of trying to rectify the glaring discrepencies between the exciting reality in his films that deal with terrorism and the murderously boring reality that exists on Iraqi battlefronts today. He already had some recommendations for troops engaged in battles with insurgents. "See, here's the thing. When a terrorist gets killed, he should die in a blaze of exploding body parts, not unlike those German guys I killed in Die Hard II. For example, when you shoot someone squatting in front of a building, it would multiply the dramatic value of the scene tenfold if, after getting shot, he were to be thrown back into the window, preferably in a double somersault, shattering its glass, and causing an explosion in the interior of the building where he lands. Images of explosions not caused by our enemies in Iraq might help in raising American spirits."

On being reminded that there were very few buildings left in Iraq that boasted unbroken glass windows, Willis said, "Well, we are here to reconstruct this country are we not? So let's rebuild those windows so we can throw some insurgent ass through them."

Mr. Willis pointed out the photographic potential inherent in evil-doers falling off tall buildings in a delightful ball of flailing arms and legs. "Are there any tall buildings here in Baghdad we could throw terrorists off", he inquired. "Unrestrained gravitational plummeting is extremely camera-friendly", he added.

Willis also diagnosed a fatal flaw in the Iraq war storyline. "If a movie has to have any chance of making it to the box office, the bad guys should be killed more often than the good guys. Wars pretty much work on the same principle. You guys need to work on that", he advised the troops.

In unrelated news, former Washington Post reporter and current government shill, Bob Woodward reports that President Bush is unconcerned with how history will judge his legacy, saying, "History is stuff that has already happened, so I wasn't gonna make it into History anyways."

No comments: