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And I sure-as-hell, pardon my French, wouldn't choose the Triumph Learning and Worship Center for Life in Saraland, Alabama to be the site of my miracle. No, sir. Not some crummy old dry-wall in a crummy old town. You know what would be a great miracle instead, one that would capture the hearts and minds of the faithful and cause non-believers to shit their pants in fear and join the Republican Party? I would turn the entire Statue of Liberty into my crucifixion. And instead of holding the torch I would just give the world the finger. They've had it coming for a while. And rather than make 'em take a Greyhound bus to Saraland Alabama (I don't even know if Greyhound does Alabama) to get healed after touching the dry-wall, I would just make 'em take the elevator to Lady Liberty's thorn-covered head and offer a simple prayer. Wouldn't that allow me to heal many more people at a time? Surely there are a lot more sick people in Manhattan and the Tri-state area than there are in Saraland, Alabama? 'Cause if I had the power to heal people and I didn't, what would that make me? A callous cruel bastard, that's what. Why would anyone even pray to me then?
But apparently Jesus isn't entering Lady Liberty's copper body. Instead, he's down south in Saraland, Alabama, sitting in a fucking dry-wall which probably smells like a sewer too 'cause of the hurricane. And the only scientific explanation behind Jesus' strangely antisocial behavior is that he's actually an introvert. He doesn't prefer to be in the limelight. He is only comfortable among a small group of men, mostly his friends, and has to take a couple of hours off for every hour he has to turn "on" in order to interact socially as he performs miracles.
Either that, or the entire story is bogus, it's a scam pulled off by the Triumph Learning and Worship Center for Life in Saraland, Alabama in order to extort cash from the gullible fools that comprise the citizenry in that neck of the woods.
The third and final scenario is one that I would very much hope for. Namely, that dry-wall has miraculous curative properties and that touching it can cure maladies as diverse as kidney failure and a poor eyesight. Hey, maybe it could even be the elusive AIDS medicine we've been looking for all this time. Or it could be that other elusive drug, the functionally impeccable erection inducer that never ever leads to a 4 hour erection, not even in the rarest of rare cases that might require you to go to a doctor and explain why you were taking an erection inducer in the first place. It might be too soon to celebrate, but hell, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
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