When Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and filled it up with so much water that it became a pool-pisser's wet dream, everyone blamed God for it. In fact, many of us raised our voices against God. What the fuck God, we argued in an elevated tone, what's with all the rage directed against poor old mankind who never did anyone any harm? In fact, I myself, did quite a bit of voice raising and God blaming, going so far as to challenge the Big Guy to a no-holds barred duel, no face-hitting allowed. Even Jon Stewart of the Daily Show, in his impeccably succinct way inquired, "God, dude, which part of 'God Bless America' don't you understand?"
But after all that yelling and cursing and table-thumping, this is what probably happened. We woke God up. And boy, is the Old Man cranky when you deprive him of his 8 solid hours. He looked down from his balcony, saw us tiny little humans all amped up and raring for a fight, and God bellowed, "Shut the fuck up you little turds. Jesus Christ, can't a God get some sleep around here? And take THAT for waking me up." And God took a big-ass bucket, filled it to the brim with water and emptied the entire fucking thing onto the Great Northeast. And no, he didn't quit once he was done, it's not like God to quit when he's having a ball, he kept on doing it. 'Cause, see, that's where most of the yelling, cursing crowds were. And so it began, the Great Deluge of October 2005.
It's been raining continuously for the past 2 weeks. It's been a cold, wet, windy, shitty rain. Maybe it's been raining 2 weeks, maybe a month, perhaps a year, who the fuck remembers when it began. 'Cause when it's raining non-stop, days turn into nights, nights turn into days, and it's the same dank dreary depressing dusky time of the day all day long, and you don't know whether it's night or day, all you know is goddamn, if you don't see the sun today, you are gonna have mushrooms sprouting from your armpits.
And you know what happens when it rains? It's time for all the shitty drivers in the world to come scurrying out of their homes and hit the road. All of them, no exceptions. In their red Dodge minivans, 1972 Ford Broncos, farm tractors, horse buggies, heck, slower the vehicle, greater is the possibility that it will be on the road in front of you in the rain, doing a comfortable 20 miles an hour, while you are jumping out of your seat-belt in impatience, wishing you could just drive through the bastard. And because they are shitty drivers, they don't drive on the slower lane. No sir, 'cause they know they don't really have a good judgement for the far side of the vehicle. So they stick to the faster lane, creating long fucking sprawls of traffic behind them. Oh yeah, that is time well spent.
My office building. The less I talk about it, the better. After it was erected in 1776 after the American revolution using cardboard, glue and animal hides (which probably account for the smell), it has seen many things, good and bad. Mostly bad. It has seen floods, it has seen construction, reconstruction, deconstruction, things have fallen off it, things have fallen on to it, causing other things to fall off it, heck, if there were anything disastrous that could have happened to it, it's probably happened already. So I don't really blame it for leaking. In fact, I almost welcome the leaking. See, the fact of the matter is, I share a room with another colleague. The room's divided into two separate cubicles, and only one with a window. And he owns the one with the window. And by God, was it biting into my very soul to see him enjoy sunshine and trees and water and birds laying eggs which other birds would come and devour and traffic on the expressway, when all I could do was stare in front of me at a hole in the wall, which I had to drill myself so I could have something to stare at.
But now, the tables had turned. The building was leaking. And water had seeped through the window, making my colleague's cubicle positively uninhabitable, thus forcing him to move to a different one, without a window I might add. And I was fine with it. Fine, I tell ya. And it was at that happy moment in my life that the building supervisor felt that he had to step in to make matters right. He decided unilaterally that the cubicle had started to smell because of all the moisture that had leaked inside. And thus began Operation Stink Kill. The Super began to throw all kinds of home made powders, sprays, voodoo curses and what-not at the moist patch in the cubicle in some kind of demented hope that it would stop the leaking. And this combination of powders and sprays now has stunk up the place so much that it is now worse than it was when the place used to simply smell like a couple of rats had died in the midst of passionate intercourse. Ah how I miss that smell.
But as of now, the rain continues. It still falls outside in the steady drip drip drip of an old man urinating with a swollen prostate. It will continue to rain throughout the weekend. And it will probably rain through all of next week as well. And the week after that. And the building will continue to leak, and shitty drivers will continue to drive and life will go on as usual for everyone, except me. I, on the other hand, will be harvesting mushrooms from my armpits.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Friday, October 14, 2005
Friday news roundup
Miers denies Klan membership, conservatives still hopeful
After denying having killed kittens during her youth, Harriet Miers, President Bush's latest Supreme Court pick has denied being a member of the Ku Klux Klan. However, conservative Republicans are still hopeful, adopting a wait and watch attitude. "It's unimagineable for someone to be as religious as she claims to be, and yet be free of bigotry. If not KKK, she must at least have bombed an abortion clinic. Lets just hope and pray that she has."
The American political scene has displayed a dramatic shift in loyalties since Bush announced his nomination for the Supreme court. Miers' lack of judicial background as well as her unwillingness to discuss her feelings about lynching negroes in public squares has Republicans befuddled. On the other hand, Democrats, content to let Republicans duke it out amongst themselves over the candidate, are willing to perform a collective impersonation of the common garden slug.
Bush : Karl Rove to be fired if he murdered Valerie Plame
President Bush, in a press release, has announced that if the current investigation into the leak of a CIA agent's name were to conclude that Karl Rove had murdered the agent, then he wouldn't think twice about firing him.
This is the third time President Bush has changed his stance about the affair. Initially, after reports that someone in the White House had outed a covert agent, Valerie Plame's name to the press, he had issued the statement proclaiming :
"If somebody did leak classified information, I'd like to know it, and we'll take the appropriate action."
After it was revealed that it was in fact, Karl Rove, the White House advisor, who had actually leaked the name of the agent, Bush changed his statement, saying :
"If someone committed a crime, they will no longer work in my administration."
However, now, with Karl Rove's indictment of an actual crime being a realistic possibility, Bush has again changed his statement, saying :
"If Karl Rove is found to have murdered a CIA agent, we will waste no time in letting him go."
Republicans have applauded the President's stance as being fair and principled.
Online ignoring now easier with merger of Instant Messengers
Ignoring online chat pals will now be easier with the merger of Yahoo and MSN messengers. "This is truly a turning point for the IM (instant messaging) industry," Yahoo Chief Executive Terry Semel said in a statement. "This merger will enable IM users to consolidate all the people they hate, detest or are just plain bored of, into a single user interface. The days of juggling windows around, trying to ignore chat requests from multiple messengers at the same time are now over."
Only 2% of African Americans approve of Bush, cite job security as reason
In the latest NBC / WSJ poll, only 2% of African Americans claimed to be happy with President Bush's performance. When asked to justify the reasoning behind their approval of the president, Condoleezza Rice, Secretary of State and all of the abovementioned 2%, replied, "Well, the reasons are mostly economic. President Bush's policies have had a tremendous impact on reducing the unemployment rate for me."
After denying having killed kittens during her youth, Harriet Miers, President Bush's latest Supreme Court pick has denied being a member of the Ku Klux Klan. However, conservative Republicans are still hopeful, adopting a wait and watch attitude. "It's unimagineable for someone to be as religious as she claims to be, and yet be free of bigotry. If not KKK, she must at least have bombed an abortion clinic. Lets just hope and pray that she has."
The American political scene has displayed a dramatic shift in loyalties since Bush announced his nomination for the Supreme court. Miers' lack of judicial background as well as her unwillingness to discuss her feelings about lynching negroes in public squares has Republicans befuddled. On the other hand, Democrats, content to let Republicans duke it out amongst themselves over the candidate, are willing to perform a collective impersonation of the common garden slug.
Bush : Karl Rove to be fired if he murdered Valerie Plame
President Bush, in a press release, has announced that if the current investigation into the leak of a CIA agent's name were to conclude that Karl Rove had murdered the agent, then he wouldn't think twice about firing him.
This is the third time President Bush has changed his stance about the affair. Initially, after reports that someone in the White House had outed a covert agent, Valerie Plame's name to the press, he had issued the statement proclaiming :
"If somebody did leak classified information, I'd like to know it, and we'll take the appropriate action."
After it was revealed that it was in fact, Karl Rove, the White House advisor, who had actually leaked the name of the agent, Bush changed his statement, saying :
"If someone committed a crime, they will no longer work in my administration."
However, now, with Karl Rove's indictment of an actual crime being a realistic possibility, Bush has again changed his statement, saying :
"If Karl Rove is found to have murdered a CIA agent, we will waste no time in letting him go."
Republicans have applauded the President's stance as being fair and principled.
Online ignoring now easier with merger of Instant Messengers
Ignoring online chat pals will now be easier with the merger of Yahoo and MSN messengers. "This is truly a turning point for the IM (instant messaging) industry," Yahoo Chief Executive Terry Semel said in a statement. "This merger will enable IM users to consolidate all the people they hate, detest or are just plain bored of, into a single user interface. The days of juggling windows around, trying to ignore chat requests from multiple messengers at the same time are now over."
Only 2% of African Americans approve of Bush, cite job security as reason
In the latest NBC / WSJ poll, only 2% of African Americans claimed to be happy with President Bush's performance. When asked to justify the reasoning behind their approval of the president, Condoleezza Rice, Secretary of State and all of the abovementioned 2%, replied, "Well, the reasons are mostly economic. President Bush's policies have had a tremendous impact on reducing the unemployment rate for me."
Thursday, October 13, 2005
I am featured on India Uncut
India Uncut, the premier Indian blog by Amit Varma, has devoted an entire post to me. Let me say that again. An entire post. Not a "link via", not a "by the way", not a "So who else sucks in the blogosphere", but an entire post. Mom, Dad, it is doubtful that you will ever get to see my blog or come to know about it's existence because of the nature of it's content, but I gotta tell you this :
I have arrived.
I have arrived.
Something fishy this way cometh
Continuing the investigative journalism being carried out by Arzan, some strange things began to emerge.
1.> IIPM's link to alliances points to an institute in Belgium, called IMI. This institute's website is curiously similar to IIPM's with an excess of ambiguity, no faculty lists, no campus pictures (instead of a campus picture they keep showing a picture of Central station, Antwerp, whatever that might be.)
2.> IMI has a link called "Distance Learning via Global Business Academy" at the bottom of it's web page. This directs you to another ambiguous website belonging to "Global Business Academy", also in Belgium. This website has a number of partner links pointing to the following :
The International Management Institute
Barcelona Business School
European Business and Management School (EBMS)
So there are these 5 institutes : IIPM, IMI, GBA, EBMS and BBS, all calling each other partners.
But here comes the fun part.
Many links on all these websites are exactly identical. For example,
a.] Research and publications :
IMI
EBMS
Mostly Indian books, a couple by our man in blue Arindam Choudhry.
b.] Faculty page :
EBMS
BBS
IMI
c.] Student forum :
IMI
GBA
Eerie? Hell yeah! I don't know about you, but I sure think this daisychain of interconnected institutes, each existing ambiguously on the internet with no information other than the fact that they claim to churn out a large number of high quality MBA graduates seems extremely suspicious to say the least.
Update : The Transmogrifier does some more digging of his own along the same lines.
My other IIPM related writing here, here and here.
1.> IIPM's link to alliances points to an institute in Belgium, called IMI. This institute's website is curiously similar to IIPM's with an excess of ambiguity, no faculty lists, no campus pictures (instead of a campus picture they keep showing a picture of Central station, Antwerp, whatever that might be.)
2.> IMI has a link called "Distance Learning via Global Business Academy" at the bottom of it's web page. This directs you to another ambiguous website belonging to "Global Business Academy", also in Belgium. This website has a number of partner links pointing to the following :
The International Management Institute
Barcelona Business School
European Business and Management School (EBMS)
So there are these 5 institutes : IIPM, IMI, GBA, EBMS and BBS, all calling each other partners.
But here comes the fun part.
Many links on all these websites are exactly identical. For example,
a.] Research and publications :
IMI
EBMS
Mostly Indian books, a couple by our man in blue Arindam Choudhry.
b.] Faculty page :
EBMS
BBS
IMI
c.] Student forum :
IMI
GBA
Eerie? Hell yeah! I don't know about you, but I sure think this daisychain of interconnected institutes, each existing ambiguously on the internet with no information other than the fact that they claim to churn out a large number of high quality MBA graduates seems extremely suspicious to say the least.
Update : The Transmogrifier does some more digging of his own along the same lines.
My other IIPM related writing here, here and here.
New law decrees vaginas to be state property upto marriage
The Tamil Nadu legislature has passed a law decreeing that all vaginas, residing within Tamil Nadu state boundaries would be the property of the state of Tamil Nadu until such a time as they get married. The new law was passed in response to reports of rampant abuse of vagina privilege occurring in the state, said to be one of India's most progressive and literate.
Members of the Dalit Party in India, Dalit standing for "untouchable", have demanded that vaginas be afforded similar rights and restrictions granted to members of their own party, namely, that they never ever be touched for pleasure or for recreational purposes, and that some kind of a state-sponsored supervision should exist in order to oversee incidents of vagina violation. The Tamil Nadu State government, currently led by former Tamil actress Jayalalitha, has agreed, commenting "Since I have never been married and hence, never experienced any pleasures of the carnal kind, I hereby forbid any other unmarried woman from doing so either."
The PMK Party's women's wing, which one would expect to stand up for women's rights, has stepped up to the plate and demanded that the new law be strictly enforced, and in order to lead by example, has asked all it's unmarried members to begin wearing chastity belts.
The new law also specifies that following marriage, vagina ownership will be transferred to the husband, who will then have a choice to either liberate it or maintain it under his legal guardianship.
In other news, the Durga Puja festival was celebrated in large parts of the country to symbolize feminine strength and empowerment.
Members of the Dalit Party in India, Dalit standing for "untouchable", have demanded that vaginas be afforded similar rights and restrictions granted to members of their own party, namely, that they never ever be touched for pleasure or for recreational purposes, and that some kind of a state-sponsored supervision should exist in order to oversee incidents of vagina violation. The Tamil Nadu State government, currently led by former Tamil actress Jayalalitha, has agreed, commenting "Since I have never been married and hence, never experienced any pleasures of the carnal kind, I hereby forbid any other unmarried woman from doing so either."
The PMK Party's women's wing, which one would expect to stand up for women's rights, has stepped up to the plate and demanded that the new law be strictly enforced, and in order to lead by example, has asked all it's unmarried members to begin wearing chastity belts.
The new law also specifies that following marriage, vagina ownership will be transferred to the husband, who will then have a choice to either liberate it or maintain it under his legal guardianship.
In other news, the Durga Puja festival was celebrated in large parts of the country to symbolize feminine strength and empowerment.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
The guy with no ideas
Today I saw a Honda Civic. It's license plate number was "CIVIC". What the hell, I wondered. This guy actually put in extra effort and money to get a personalized license plate with the same word that was already there on the back of his car. And it's not like the car was a Mercedes or a BMW or something fancy that you would want to show off, be an obnoxious prick about. It was a freaking Honda Civic, for Christ's sake. I'm sure if the guy ever has a son, he would probably name him "Boy". Or if he ever comes up with a cooking recipe involving rice and beans he would name his creation "Rice and beans". Yeah, he's probably that kind of a guy.
IIPM fine print division served legal notice by IIPM large print division
Some bitter infighting within the IIPM hierarchy has led to the IIPM fine print division being served with a legal notice by the IIPM large print division. These two divisions, which usually work hand-in-hand in close harmony to print out propaganda newsletters, also known colloquially as IIPM newspaper advertisements, are currently being torn apart due to opposing viewpoints on what each division perceives to be the Truth about the institute.
The entire furor arose when Fine Print (FP) management interrupted a steam sauna team bonding session, organized by Large Print (LP) management, in order to voice some concerns regarding a futuristic representation of IIPM campuses in Mumbai and New Delhi. To which, LP management replied "Well, just add the disclaimer that these pictures represent an artist's rendition of how Mr Arindam Choudhry would view his beloved creation under the influence of a hallucinogenic."
The matter took another ugly turn when LP management invaded a teammate-trust circle jerk session being attended by FP members to protest the fine print under IIPM's assertion of having an international faculty. "The disclaimer says 'International faculty restricted from existing anywhere except in Director's mind'.", ranted an irate LP team member. "And what about this note under the dean's mission statement that says "Disclaimer : Everything on this page is a hunk of horse feces'"?
Ultimately, getting frustrated with the Fine Print division's inexplicable insistence on telling the truth, the Large Print division finally had no option other than to serve it with an emailed legal notice to stop infringing on it's right to mislead the public. The matter is still awaiting a trial date, pending which, Mr Arindam Choudhry has been ordered by the Mumbai High Court to cease and desist his practice of wearing fluorescent blue shirts (via The Erudite Bong).
In other news, the IIPM legal team has just informed Mr Choudhry that the fact that he owns a pony-tail does not legally allow him to claim the existence of ponies on the campus.
Update : Fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy and fishy
The entire furor arose when Fine Print (FP) management interrupted a steam sauna team bonding session, organized by Large Print (LP) management, in order to voice some concerns regarding a futuristic representation of IIPM campuses in Mumbai and New Delhi. To which, LP management replied "Well, just add the disclaimer that these pictures represent an artist's rendition of how Mr Arindam Choudhry would view his beloved creation under the influence of a hallucinogenic."
The matter took another ugly turn when LP management invaded a teammate-trust circle jerk session being attended by FP members to protest the fine print under IIPM's assertion of having an international faculty. "The disclaimer says 'International faculty restricted from existing anywhere except in Director's mind'.", ranted an irate LP team member. "And what about this note under the dean's mission statement that says "Disclaimer : Everything on this page is a hunk of horse feces'"?
Ultimately, getting frustrated with the Fine Print division's inexplicable insistence on telling the truth, the Large Print division finally had no option other than to serve it with an emailed legal notice to stop infringing on it's right to mislead the public. The matter is still awaiting a trial date, pending which, Mr Arindam Choudhry has been ordered by the Mumbai High Court to cease and desist his practice of wearing fluorescent blue shirts (via The Erudite Bong).
In other news, the IIPM legal team has just informed Mr Choudhry that the fact that he owns a pony-tail does not legally allow him to claim the existence of ponies on the campus.
Update : Fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy and fishy
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
IIPM to inaugurate new answering machine in Japan
The Indian Institute of Planning and Management, or IIPM, has announced the inauguration of it's latest campus in Osaka, Japan. This newest addition to IIPM's long list of campuses worldwide will consist of a state of the art answering machine, which will field calls from prospective IIPM applicants and redirect them back to their campus in New Delhi, India.
Arindam Choudhry, the dean of IIPM, issued a press release detailing the management institute's high-profile expansion into Japan. "This is the latest feather in IIPM's cap. We will now be able to offer a number of courses by voicemail, wherein students would be able to dial into our new campus in Japan and receive voicemail instructions in Japanese, regarding the textbooks they would need to purchase back in India. It is a novel approach, encompassing all the latest technologies currently available in message answering."
In related news, IIPM has commenced it's job placement process for the current academic year. Arindam Choudhry, on being asked for a comment, replied, "We have submitted an ultimatum to IBM that unless they hire new IIPM graduates by tomorrow, we will begin immolating our students on campus." On being asked whether IBM was the only company to be involved in the placement program, Choudhry replied, "Of course not, we have students threatening to self-flagellate on the Wipro campus, self-mutilate outside the Infosys building and self-fellate at the TCS office. We have an extremely diverse and successful placement program."
Mr Choudhry expressed optimism about a greater number of IIPM graduates being hired by IBM this year. "We know that they currently have at least one vacant job position . It was previously occupied by an IIM graduate, so in terms of knowledge equivalence, the same position would require a hundred IIPM graduates."
In other news, IIPM has announced the addition of an authentic imaginary Finnish sauna to it's New Delhi campus, which will complement the already existing fictional swimming pool.
Update : IIPM fine print division served legal notice by IIPM large print division
Arindam Choudhry, the dean of IIPM, issued a press release detailing the management institute's high-profile expansion into Japan. "This is the latest feather in IIPM's cap. We will now be able to offer a number of courses by voicemail, wherein students would be able to dial into our new campus in Japan and receive voicemail instructions in Japanese, regarding the textbooks they would need to purchase back in India. It is a novel approach, encompassing all the latest technologies currently available in message answering."
In related news, IIPM has commenced it's job placement process for the current academic year. Arindam Choudhry, on being asked for a comment, replied, "We have submitted an ultimatum to IBM that unless they hire new IIPM graduates by tomorrow, we will begin immolating our students on campus." On being asked whether IBM was the only company to be involved in the placement program, Choudhry replied, "Of course not, we have students threatening to self-flagellate on the Wipro campus, self-mutilate outside the Infosys building and self-fellate at the TCS office. We have an extremely diverse and successful placement program."
Mr Choudhry expressed optimism about a greater number of IIPM graduates being hired by IBM this year. "We know that they currently have at least one vacant job position . It was previously occupied by an IIM graduate, so in terms of knowledge equivalence, the same position would require a hundred IIPM graduates."
In other news, IIPM has announced the addition of an authentic imaginary Finnish sauna to it's New Delhi campus, which will complement the already existing fictional swimming pool.
Update : IIPM fine print division served legal notice by IIPM large print division
Monday, October 10, 2005
IIPM students to burn degree certificates to protest defamation of institute
Students of a popular management institute in India called IIPM (Indian Institude of Planning and Management) have decided to burn their degree certificates in order to voice their support for their institute, which is currently in the midst of a controversy.
IIPM, which is under fire for allegedly printing incorrect and exaggerated claims about their institution including campus facilities and job placements, is currently seeking to file lawsuits against a magazine as well as a number of bloggers who dared to expose it's false claims.
The controversy that arose encouraged a number of IIPM alumni to organize a show of solidarity behind their alma mater, by lighting stuff on fire. Initially, the plan was to burn down the IIPM campus in New Delhi, which was discarded due to vehement oppposition from IIPM management. The plan was later modified to burn IBM laptops belonging to the institute, since one of the bloggers who had allegedly defamed the institute was an employee of IBM. However, this plan was also scrapped when a search of the IIPM campus did not yield any laptops that could be burnt.
Luckily, some quick thinking on the part of an IIPM alumnus (quick thinking being a part of the IIPM curriculum), led to the idea of burning all degree certificates issued by IIPM. When asked by reporters if burning degree certificates would harm their future job prospects, the pyromaniacal students replied, "On the contrary, if anything, it should help us."
Arindam Choudhry, the IIPM dean, when asked about this protest tactic of the students, commented, "No we are not destroying evidence."
In other news, IIPM has applied for a federal grant that will allow it to purchase newly available $100 laptops , since it is unable to afford IBM laptops for burning purposes.
Editor's note : Fuck everything else, IIPM's actions of trying to get even with Gaurav Sabnis by blackmailing his employer are outrageous, unethical, and HAVE to be opposed by every right-thinking individual. This is simply put, a case of bullying by a well-moneyed corporation. Period. I would not be surprised if, in fact, IIPM's actions turn out to be illegal. Maybe someone should look into that possibility. I applaud Gaurav for his decision and wish him all the best.
Update : IIPM to inaugurate new answering machine in Japan.
IIPM, which is under fire for allegedly printing incorrect and exaggerated claims about their institution including campus facilities and job placements, is currently seeking to file lawsuits against a magazine as well as a number of bloggers who dared to expose it's false claims.
The controversy that arose encouraged a number of IIPM alumni to organize a show of solidarity behind their alma mater, by lighting stuff on fire. Initially, the plan was to burn down the IIPM campus in New Delhi, which was discarded due to vehement oppposition from IIPM management. The plan was later modified to burn IBM laptops belonging to the institute, since one of the bloggers who had allegedly defamed the institute was an employee of IBM. However, this plan was also scrapped when a search of the IIPM campus did not yield any laptops that could be burnt.
Luckily, some quick thinking on the part of an IIPM alumnus (quick thinking being a part of the IIPM curriculum), led to the idea of burning all degree certificates issued by IIPM. When asked by reporters if burning degree certificates would harm their future job prospects, the pyromaniacal students replied, "On the contrary, if anything, it should help us."
Arindam Choudhry, the IIPM dean, when asked about this protest tactic of the students, commented, "No we are not destroying evidence."
In other news, IIPM has applied for a federal grant that will allow it to purchase newly available $100 laptops , since it is unable to afford IBM laptops for burning purposes.
Editor's note : Fuck everything else, IIPM's actions of trying to get even with Gaurav Sabnis by blackmailing his employer are outrageous, unethical, and HAVE to be opposed by every right-thinking individual. This is simply put, a case of bullying by a well-moneyed corporation. Period. I would not be surprised if, in fact, IIPM's actions turn out to be illegal. Maybe someone should look into that possibility. I applaud Gaurav for his decision and wish him all the best.
Update : IIPM to inaugurate new answering machine in Japan.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? It's er.. what the fuck is it?
Every once in a while, the gratuitous punching of buttons, or as it's known colloquially, television channel-surfing, leads you to something so strange, so deliciously exotic, that you thank the Lord for blessing you with adult attention deficit disorder. This time, it was the channel I only know as channel 13. Or is it channel 18? Ah, it's not important. As I was watching it, a half-empty beer bottle in my hand, it dawned upon me that the narrative unfolding on the screen was some kind of a superhero series. I was thrilled. I fucking love superheroes. I began to watch it in earnest.
The opening scene began with the superhero, clad in a kind of purple / yellowish colored outfit with a face-half-covering mask and all, talking to a kid, who was working on a laptop. The kid, named Steven, appeared to be an artist of some kind, involved in creating a comic strip. The comic strip appeared to feature the superhero himself. Kind of an odd premise, but I watched on.
Superhero : You know Steven, I am not too happy with the way you have portrayed me in this picture. You've drawn me too well.
kid : But it makes me look good if I draw you well.
Superhero: But Steven, the comic should make kids focus on God, not me.
Like a punch in the gut, the superhero's words startled me and awoke me from my alcoholic stupor. What a strange thing to say, for a superhero. I became doubly attentive to what was happening.
kid : But if I don't make you look good, then it makes me look bad, because people will think I'm a lousy artist.
The kid and the superhero then had a big argument, which culminated with the kid leaving the room in a huff.
Suddenly, a green-costumed dude jumped out of the wall. Right out of the wall, I tell ya. His appearance and the fact that he had a menacing green monocle on his right eye led me to believe he might be the villain. I was right. The superhero and the green dude then proceeded to engage in hand-to-hand combat and some trash-talking.
Green Dude : You think you are humble dont you?
*Smack*
Green Dude : Or maybe you are just too proud?
Superhero : I'm not proud. The bible warns against pridefulness.
The *What* warns against *What*? I blinked in perplexity, as if someone had just slapped me in the face with a tunafish. What the fuck was it with this superhero?
The fight over, the green villain vanquished for the moment, the pious superhero stood alone, exhausted and panting. Enter a black dude who could have been the superhero's sidekick.
Superhero : How did your talk with Steven go?
Black Sidekick Dude : Good. He said something had messed with his head, but he's ok now.
Superhero : You know, I would like to spend some time alone in prayer.
Boy, this was an entirely different type of superhero from the kind I had been accustomed to. Then, apparently realizing that the narrative might have become a bit too complex for newer viewers to follow, Unseen Voiceover Guy began a narrative that would provide a glimpse into what the fuck was happening and why. Flashback to a suited gentleman, clutching a briefcase in the rain, seemingly frustrated and gazing up at the heavens apparently in agony.
Miles Peterson was a man who had it all: wealth, status, success. Still, something was lacking. Then, in his darkest hour, the words of a single book gave Miles Peterson the burning desire to know God. Now, transformed by the Word of the Lord and empowered by His strength, Miles Peterson lives out a pledge to fight evil in the name of God, under the identity of the mighty avenger of truth known as Bibleman.
Bibleman? Yes, Bibleman. The identity of the strange religious superhero was finally uncovered. Praise be to the Lord!
The narrative then fast-forwarded back to the present, where Bibleman was finishing his prayers, bible in hand. A word about the superhero's costume. It was noisy. And by noisy, I mean fucking deafening. It was made of some kind of thick polyethylene, you know, the kind most things at Toys-R-Us are made out of. And whenever Bibleman moved, even a bit, it brushed against itself and it creaked like a honeymooners' bed. But, back to the narrative.
Enter again the black dude from before. Bibleman was just finishing up his prayers.
Bibleman: Lord give me strength, Jesus.
Bibleman seemed to be a bit perturbed at this intrusion. The black dude and Bibleman both seemed unnaturally embarassed, as if the black dude had caught Bibleman masturbating to a picture of the virgin Mary.
Black Dude: Sorry to interrupt.
Bibleman:Thats ok, I've been praying on and off all morning.
Switch to the green villain's lair, where the villain and his sidekick were engaged in some kind of unidentified skullduggery, involving a computer.
Ludicrous : Something smells here, prince.
Green Villain : Gee Ludicrous, maybe it's because we live in a sewer.
Boy, I love those smart-alecky villains.
Green Villain (to his computer) : Luci, shut down Bibleman's computer by sending it an E-mail. That is, E for Ego. Ha ha ha.
My mind slowly began to comprehend what was happening. The Green Villain, known as the "Prince of Pride", was trying to incite people to be "prideful", and thus, going against God's will, by pelting them with some kind of a red pride-inducing ray. That was the reason why the kid Steven had gotten pissed off at Bibleman. He had been pelted with pride about his comic strip. And Bibleman was trying to stop the Prince from achieving his objective. It was a holy allegorical war. Awe-fucking-some!
But back to Bibleman's Bible-cave. The Prince of Pride reappeared.
Prince : How is the lovely couple?
Bibleman : Schnikies!
Schnikies? Thats a new one. I like it. I shall keep it.
The battle resumed, this time with the aid of lasers. A lot of creaking of heavy plastic costumes was involved as well. And man oh man, those were some pretty nifty mega-budget special effects. The fight was interspersed with conversation between the two combatants, mostly of a scriptural nature.
Bibleman : You've been voted villain least likely to succeed.
Prince : Says who?
Bibleman : Says in Proverbs 16:18. Pride comes before destruction.
Black Sidekick Dude was still busy, trying to resuscitate his computer, which had been Ego-fied by the villain's computer. Finally, he succeeded.
Black Sidekick Dude : Unice, run the anti-virus and delete all the data that isn't obedient to Christ.
Unice (the good computer) : Roger, Black Sidekick Dude.
Back in Superheroland, the fight still continued. During the course of the battle, Bibleman began asking the Prince of Pride some trivia questions. Probably to take both their minds off the ongoing super-violence.
Bibleman : Exodus, 15:7 : And in the greatness of thine excellency thou overthrowest them that rise up against thee: Thou sendest forth thy wrath, it consumeth them as stubble.
Prince : I give up. Who is it?
Bibleman: God.
Prince: I was never good at trivia.
Bibleman (enraged) : God isnt trivial!
Bibleman : Deuteronomy, 10:7 : For the LORD your God is God of gods, and Lord of lords, a great God, a mighty, and a terrible, who regardeth not persons, nor taketh reward.
God of Gods, thats a mouthful. The Prince, in order to pay attention to what Bibleman was saying, had momentarily ceased his assault and was pondering over this nugget of bibletalk. Taking advantage of this, Bibleman, in an extremely sneaky and unGodly manoeuver, threw the Prince over onto a bunch of electrical circuitry where he was fried, green shit splashing onto the surrounding walls. Yummy!
Facing the viewer, Bibleman then imparted his final words of wisdom.
Bibleman: Pride and destruction go together like liver and onions, like toenails and cheese.
Toenails and cheese? Mmkay....if you say so. Note to self : Quit eating cheese.
Bibleman : Its ok to be proud of your accomplishments but not prideful in your actions. But there is someone who will always be proud of you and that is Jesus Christ. If you want to have Jesus Christ in your life, speak to your parents or your pastor. It is then that you will possess the full armor of God.
Being pretty inebriated by this time, I quickly put through a call to my folks and talked to them about not having enough armor on my body. The next thing I know, they had purchased a plane ticket and were flying here to check what the fuck was wrong with me.
The opening scene began with the superhero, clad in a kind of purple / yellowish colored outfit with a face-half-covering mask and all, talking to a kid, who was working on a laptop. The kid, named Steven, appeared to be an artist of some kind, involved in creating a comic strip. The comic strip appeared to feature the superhero himself. Kind of an odd premise, but I watched on.
Superhero : You know Steven, I am not too happy with the way you have portrayed me in this picture. You've drawn me too well.
kid : But it makes me look good if I draw you well.
Superhero: But Steven, the comic should make kids focus on God, not me.
Like a punch in the gut, the superhero's words startled me and awoke me from my alcoholic stupor. What a strange thing to say, for a superhero. I became doubly attentive to what was happening.
kid : But if I don't make you look good, then it makes me look bad, because people will think I'm a lousy artist.
The kid and the superhero then had a big argument, which culminated with the kid leaving the room in a huff.
Suddenly, a green-costumed dude jumped out of the wall. Right out of the wall, I tell ya. His appearance and the fact that he had a menacing green monocle on his right eye led me to believe he might be the villain. I was right. The superhero and the green dude then proceeded to engage in hand-to-hand combat and some trash-talking.
Green Dude : You think you are humble dont you?
*Smack*
Green Dude : Or maybe you are just too proud?
Superhero : I'm not proud. The bible warns against pridefulness.
The *What* warns against *What*? I blinked in perplexity, as if someone had just slapped me in the face with a tunafish. What the fuck was it with this superhero?
The fight over, the green villain vanquished for the moment, the pious superhero stood alone, exhausted and panting. Enter a black dude who could have been the superhero's sidekick.
Superhero : How did your talk with Steven go?
Black Sidekick Dude : Good. He said something had messed with his head, but he's ok now.
Superhero : You know, I would like to spend some time alone in prayer.
Boy, this was an entirely different type of superhero from the kind I had been accustomed to. Then, apparently realizing that the narrative might have become a bit too complex for newer viewers to follow, Unseen Voiceover Guy began a narrative that would provide a glimpse into what the fuck was happening and why. Flashback to a suited gentleman, clutching a briefcase in the rain, seemingly frustrated and gazing up at the heavens apparently in agony.
Miles Peterson was a man who had it all: wealth, status, success. Still, something was lacking. Then, in his darkest hour, the words of a single book gave Miles Peterson the burning desire to know God. Now, transformed by the Word of the Lord and empowered by His strength, Miles Peterson lives out a pledge to fight evil in the name of God, under the identity of the mighty avenger of truth known as Bibleman.
Bibleman? Yes, Bibleman. The identity of the strange religious superhero was finally uncovered. Praise be to the Lord!
The narrative then fast-forwarded back to the present, where Bibleman was finishing his prayers, bible in hand. A word about the superhero's costume. It was noisy. And by noisy, I mean fucking deafening. It was made of some kind of thick polyethylene, you know, the kind most things at Toys-R-Us are made out of. And whenever Bibleman moved, even a bit, it brushed against itself and it creaked like a honeymooners' bed. But, back to the narrative.
Enter again the black dude from before. Bibleman was just finishing up his prayers.
Bibleman: Lord give me strength, Jesus.
Bibleman seemed to be a bit perturbed at this intrusion. The black dude and Bibleman both seemed unnaturally embarassed, as if the black dude had caught Bibleman masturbating to a picture of the virgin Mary.
Black Dude: Sorry to interrupt.
Bibleman:Thats ok, I've been praying on and off all morning.
Switch to the green villain's lair, where the villain and his sidekick were engaged in some kind of unidentified skullduggery, involving a computer.
Ludicrous : Something smells here, prince.
Green Villain : Gee Ludicrous, maybe it's because we live in a sewer.
Boy, I love those smart-alecky villains.
Green Villain (to his computer) : Luci, shut down Bibleman's computer by sending it an E-mail. That is, E for Ego. Ha ha ha.
My mind slowly began to comprehend what was happening. The Green Villain, known as the "Prince of Pride", was trying to incite people to be "prideful", and thus, going against God's will, by pelting them with some kind of a red pride-inducing ray. That was the reason why the kid Steven had gotten pissed off at Bibleman. He had been pelted with pride about his comic strip. And Bibleman was trying to stop the Prince from achieving his objective. It was a holy allegorical war. Awe-fucking-some!
But back to Bibleman's Bible-cave. The Prince of Pride reappeared.
Prince : How is the lovely couple?
Bibleman : Schnikies!
Schnikies? Thats a new one. I like it. I shall keep it.
The battle resumed, this time with the aid of lasers. A lot of creaking of heavy plastic costumes was involved as well. And man oh man, those were some pretty nifty mega-budget special effects. The fight was interspersed with conversation between the two combatants, mostly of a scriptural nature.
Bibleman : You've been voted villain least likely to succeed.
Prince : Says who?
Bibleman : Says in Proverbs 16:18. Pride comes before destruction.
Black Sidekick Dude was still busy, trying to resuscitate his computer, which had been Ego-fied by the villain's computer. Finally, he succeeded.
Black Sidekick Dude : Unice, run the anti-virus and delete all the data that isn't obedient to Christ.
Unice (the good computer) : Roger, Black Sidekick Dude.
Back in Superheroland, the fight still continued. During the course of the battle, Bibleman began asking the Prince of Pride some trivia questions. Probably to take both their minds off the ongoing super-violence.
Bibleman : Exodus, 15:7 : And in the greatness of thine excellency thou overthrowest them that rise up against thee: Thou sendest forth thy wrath, it consumeth them as stubble.
Prince : I give up. Who is it?
Bibleman: God.
Prince: I was never good at trivia.
Bibleman (enraged) : God isnt trivial!
Bibleman : Deuteronomy, 10:7 : For the LORD your God is God of gods, and Lord of lords, a great God, a mighty, and a terrible, who regardeth not persons, nor taketh reward.
God of Gods, thats a mouthful. The Prince, in order to pay attention to what Bibleman was saying, had momentarily ceased his assault and was pondering over this nugget of bibletalk. Taking advantage of this, Bibleman, in an extremely sneaky and unGodly manoeuver, threw the Prince over onto a bunch of electrical circuitry where he was fried, green shit splashing onto the surrounding walls. Yummy!
Facing the viewer, Bibleman then imparted his final words of wisdom.
Bibleman: Pride and destruction go together like liver and onions, like toenails and cheese.
Toenails and cheese? Mmkay....if you say so. Note to self : Quit eating cheese.
Bibleman : Its ok to be proud of your accomplishments but not prideful in your actions. But there is someone who will always be proud of you and that is Jesus Christ. If you want to have Jesus Christ in your life, speak to your parents or your pastor. It is then that you will possess the full armor of God.
Being pretty inebriated by this time, I quickly put through a call to my folks and talked to them about not having enough armor on my body. The next thing I know, they had purchased a plane ticket and were flying here to check what the fuck was wrong with me.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Humanity dehumanized
RawStory points us to a website, UnderMars.com , operated by an expatriate American, which is a collection of original pictures taken from the Iraq war. These pictures are pretty graphic in nature, many of them depicting the gory by-products of war, including severed limbs, heads and exposed brains. Some pictures also catch American soldiers in their day to day activities, some as trivial as lying on a bunkbed. Many people have criticized the website, saying these pictures glorify war. Others claim they are performing mankind a service by bringing home the actual horrors of war to armchair warmongerers. While some claim putting up pictures of dead Americans on the website helps the enemy.
My take on this is a bit different. Leave aside the question whether or not putting up these pictures on display performs any public service whatsoever. What I am concerned with are the captions accompanying these pictures. The author of this website claims that these captions have been faithfully reproduced from those accompanying the pictures that were sent to him. The captions, then, are a commentary of the person who probably took that picture. Some of these captions showcase an extreme callousness towards human life. Some captions are racist . But what is made abundantly clear by these pictures and their captions is the devastating effect that war has on human sensibilities and our outlook towards human life.
A face, frozen in an expression of muted surprise, trails a wormy, bloodied vertebrae. Below it, a caption penned by an American soldier: “new meaning to giving head.” A bearded man, his bloody-crusted shirt accordioned below his neck, bears, “come on and give me some sugar.” Typed beneath a cross-eyed, lacerated corpse with one arm extended, are the words, “oo, ooo, pick me.”
Of peripheral interest in all this, is the picture of an American tank crunching over some human remains, presumably insurgent remains, with the caption (warning : extremely graphic content) :
“10 points fo every pun-jab you hit.”
I guess there are still Americans who associate the headgear worn by the Sikh community with those worn by the terrorists. I sincerely believe every American who gets sent out on combat missions needs to undergo a course in Culture 101. But there is another issue here. Putting up such pictures, with blatantly racist captions might incite more crazy right-wing assholes to carry out hate crimes against the already beleaguered Sikh community here in the United States.
Look at these pictures (if you can) and weep for humanity.
My take on this is a bit different. Leave aside the question whether or not putting up these pictures on display performs any public service whatsoever. What I am concerned with are the captions accompanying these pictures. The author of this website claims that these captions have been faithfully reproduced from those accompanying the pictures that were sent to him. The captions, then, are a commentary of the person who probably took that picture. Some of these captions showcase an extreme callousness towards human life. Some captions are racist . But what is made abundantly clear by these pictures and their captions is the devastating effect that war has on human sensibilities and our outlook towards human life.
A face, frozen in an expression of muted surprise, trails a wormy, bloodied vertebrae. Below it, a caption penned by an American soldier: “new meaning to giving head.” A bearded man, his bloody-crusted shirt accordioned below his neck, bears, “come on and give me some sugar.” Typed beneath a cross-eyed, lacerated corpse with one arm extended, are the words, “oo, ooo, pick me.”
Of peripheral interest in all this, is the picture of an American tank crunching over some human remains, presumably insurgent remains, with the caption (warning : extremely graphic content) :
“10 points fo every pun-jab you hit.”
I guess there are still Americans who associate the headgear worn by the Sikh community with those worn by the terrorists. I sincerely believe every American who gets sent out on combat missions needs to undergo a course in Culture 101. But there is another issue here. Putting up such pictures, with blatantly racist captions might incite more crazy right-wing assholes to carry out hate crimes against the already beleaguered Sikh community here in the United States.
Look at these pictures (if you can) and weep for humanity.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Markets down on decline in bullshit consumption
The stock market today took a nose-dive on reports that consumer confidence in the US was down to just above it's lowest level in a decade (via Americablog). The main culprit behind the crash was the bullshit industry, which reported a steady decline in consumption in recent months.
"For the past four and a half years, the bullshit industry had been posting huge gains as Americans continued to guzzle down massive amounts of the stuff and kept asking for more. It was like people couldn't get enough of it. This consumer enthusiasm was propping up the stock market", commented a Wall Street broker. "But ultimately, it turned out to be just another bubble as confidence in the industry recently dropped to new lows."
There were a number of reasons behind the recent below-average performance of the industry, which upto now has done remarkably well under the Bush presidency. War-bullshit, which accounts for more than 75% of the bullshit consumed in the country, suffered a hit recently when the President, in his latest address to the nation, tried to convince Americans that the size and number of indigenous Iraqi troops has increased, whereas figures show that the number of battle-ready Iraqi battalions, in fact, dropped from three, seven months ago, to currently just one.
Consumer confidence also took a major blow when the President repeatedly announced the captures or slayings of a number of "no.2 lieutenants" of the notorious Iraqi terrorist, Abu Musab Al-Zarkawi, thus begging the question, how many no.2 lieutenants does Al-Zarkawi really have?
However, the final straw that broke the bullshit industry's back was President Bush's latest assertion that the government had disrupted 10 Al Qaida plots since 9/11, whereas in reality, these 10 plots included one three-year old arrest in a case where no charges have been filed, one two-year old arrest related to a plot that was already abandoned and eight “incidents” the administration won’t tell the public anything about. (via ThinkProgress)
In utterly unrelated news, Blogger has added a free "Traffic Augmentation" feature, which will increase the number of hits captured by a blog simply by slowing Blogger down to such an extent that every reader has to refresh his browser multiple times in order to access the blog.
"For the past four and a half years, the bullshit industry had been posting huge gains as Americans continued to guzzle down massive amounts of the stuff and kept asking for more. It was like people couldn't get enough of it. This consumer enthusiasm was propping up the stock market", commented a Wall Street broker. "But ultimately, it turned out to be just another bubble as confidence in the industry recently dropped to new lows."
There were a number of reasons behind the recent below-average performance of the industry, which upto now has done remarkably well under the Bush presidency. War-bullshit, which accounts for more than 75% of the bullshit consumed in the country, suffered a hit recently when the President, in his latest address to the nation, tried to convince Americans that the size and number of indigenous Iraqi troops has increased, whereas figures show that the number of battle-ready Iraqi battalions, in fact, dropped from three, seven months ago, to currently just one.
Consumer confidence also took a major blow when the President repeatedly announced the captures or slayings of a number of "no.2 lieutenants" of the notorious Iraqi terrorist, Abu Musab Al-Zarkawi, thus begging the question, how many no.2 lieutenants does Al-Zarkawi really have?
However, the final straw that broke the bullshit industry's back was President Bush's latest assertion that the government had disrupted 10 Al Qaida plots since 9/11, whereas in reality, these 10 plots included one three-year old arrest in a case where no charges have been filed, one two-year old arrest related to a plot that was already abandoned and eight “incidents” the administration won’t tell the public anything about. (via ThinkProgress)
In utterly unrelated news, Blogger has added a free "Traffic Augmentation" feature, which will increase the number of hits captured by a blog simply by slowing Blogger down to such an extent that every reader has to refresh his browser multiple times in order to access the blog.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Katie Holmes pregnant, Christians get ready for the second coming.
Christians all over the world are rejoicing at a report confirming that Katie Holmes' is pregnant. Holmes, who is engaged to be married to Tom Cruise, who is an actor and a practicing scientologist, is pregnant despite her claim of staying a virgin upto her marriage in December.
"She is the second incarnation of the Virgin Mary, who bore the baby Jesus without any assistance from her husband, Joseph", said Rev Billy Huffner of St Peter's Episcopal church, Tulsa Oklahoma. "It's an even greater miracle, considering that St Tom Cruise has been diagnosed with the condition of not being able to be a father. All these facts point to this infant being the new Messiah."
On hearing this news, Jews all over the world have commenced celebrations to mark their newly-found freedom from the title of "God's chosen people". Jon Stewart of the Daily Show on Comedy Central, commented that this begins a new era of non-persecution for the Jewish community. "We proudly pass this torch, of being the planet's most hated group, to the community of Scientologists. And now, I am ready for a vacation. You know, it's a huge weight lifted from my shoulders to know that the world won't keep trying to annihilate us anymore."
President Bush, on being informed of the impending birth of the Messiah, has expressed dismay, saying "So all these years when we were providing military and humanitarian aid to Israel in order to prepare the ground for the Messiah's second coming, we should have been paying more attention to Beverly Hills, California?"
At the time this article went to press, the Virgin Katie was lying in a manger in Beverly Hills, her face peaceful and glowing, having just had a facial at Marcy's on Sunset Boulevard. The Three Wise Men have yet to make an appearance, rumor on the street being, there 's a good chance it could be Ben Stiller, Ben Affleck and Ben Roethlisberger.
In other news, President Bush has requested the United Nations to authorize pre-emptive use of force against the Avian Nation in order to protect America and the World against the coming bird flu pandemic.
"She is the second incarnation of the Virgin Mary, who bore the baby Jesus without any assistance from her husband, Joseph", said Rev Billy Huffner of St Peter's Episcopal church, Tulsa Oklahoma. "It's an even greater miracle, considering that St Tom Cruise has been diagnosed with the condition of not being able to be a father. All these facts point to this infant being the new Messiah."
On hearing this news, Jews all over the world have commenced celebrations to mark their newly-found freedom from the title of "God's chosen people". Jon Stewart of the Daily Show on Comedy Central, commented that this begins a new era of non-persecution for the Jewish community. "We proudly pass this torch, of being the planet's most hated group, to the community of Scientologists. And now, I am ready for a vacation. You know, it's a huge weight lifted from my shoulders to know that the world won't keep trying to annihilate us anymore."
President Bush, on being informed of the impending birth of the Messiah, has expressed dismay, saying "So all these years when we were providing military and humanitarian aid to Israel in order to prepare the ground for the Messiah's second coming, we should have been paying more attention to Beverly Hills, California?"
At the time this article went to press, the Virgin Katie was lying in a manger in Beverly Hills, her face peaceful and glowing, having just had a facial at Marcy's on Sunset Boulevard. The Three Wise Men have yet to make an appearance, rumor on the street being, there 's a good chance it could be Ben Stiller, Ben Affleck and Ben Roethlisberger.
In other news, President Bush has requested the United Nations to authorize pre-emptive use of force against the Avian Nation in order to protect America and the World against the coming bird flu pandemic.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Bush and the voices in his head
From BBC : (via WTF)
Abu Mazen, Palestinian Prime Minister, and Nabil Shaath, his Foreign Minister, describe their first meeting with President Bush in June 2003.
Nabil Shaath says: "President Bush said to all of us: 'I'm driven with a mission from God. God would tell me, "George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan." And I did, and then God would tell me, "George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq …" And I did. And now, again, I feel God's words coming to me, "Go get the Palestinians their state and get the Israelis their security, and get peace in the Middle East." And by God I'm gonna do it.'"
It's difficult to know whether the Palestinian Foreign Minister is telling the truth or not, but it doesn't seem at all implausible. In which case, it's probably time to curl up in a ball and lie in a corner shitting our pants.
You know, when he says "And now again I feel God's words coming to me", it sounds incredibly like the voice of God might be nothing other than an attack of diarrhea and the gastric rumblings that precede it. Just a theory. Although it would be kind of sad if all this death and destruction could have been avoided if only he hadn't over-indulged in the potato salad.
Abu Mazen, Palestinian Prime Minister, and Nabil Shaath, his Foreign Minister, describe their first meeting with President Bush in June 2003.
Nabil Shaath says: "President Bush said to all of us: 'I'm driven with a mission from God. God would tell me, "George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan." And I did, and then God would tell me, "George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq …" And I did. And now, again, I feel God's words coming to me, "Go get the Palestinians their state and get the Israelis their security, and get peace in the Middle East." And by God I'm gonna do it.'"
It's difficult to know whether the Palestinian Foreign Minister is telling the truth or not, but it doesn't seem at all implausible. In which case, it's probably time to curl up in a ball and lie in a corner shitting our pants.
You know, when he says "And now again I feel God's words coming to me", it sounds incredibly like the voice of God might be nothing other than an attack of diarrhea and the gastric rumblings that precede it. Just a theory. Although it would be kind of sad if all this death and destruction could have been avoided if only he hadn't over-indulged in the potato salad.
Hate mail to the Rude Pundit
The Rude Pundit posted a few choice excerpts from the hate mail he usually receives in the course of all his Bush-bashing rhetoric. Surprisingly, one of them turned out to be from a Hindu Brahmin. "Whaa?", you might ask. A Hindu Brahmin sending hate mail to someone for making fun of Bush? That's, that's just incomprehensible. You would think that it's like Bush sending hate mail to someone for making fun of Saddam Hussain. Not that Bush would do that. Not a great fan of reading or writing, our President. But let's hear it from the horse's arse. I mean, mouth.
"Where the hell you think you can get the sacred name that is god given to hindu brahmins when you have as filty shit covered tongue who uses such foul language. We hindu brahmins let others use this name. But we assume they will act in a civilized manner. You are a sicko."
The guy was upset that a "pundit" would indulge in profanity on his blog. But I just loved the reasoning behind his ire. God gave the name "pundit" to Hindu Brahmins? And Hindu Brahmins reserve the right to pass it on to deserving people? For some reason I don't place much credence in that statement. And what the hell is this guy doing, accusing a "pundit" of being a sicko with a shit-encrusted tongue? That's so un-Hindu, man. But I did look up the word "pundit" on the Wiki. It defines a pundit as follows.
"Where the hell you think you can get the sacred name that is god given to hindu brahmins when you have as filty shit covered tongue who uses such foul language. We hindu brahmins let others use this name. But we assume they will act in a civilized manner. You are a sicko."
The guy was upset that a "pundit" would indulge in profanity on his blog. But I just loved the reasoning behind his ire. God gave the name "pundit" to Hindu Brahmins? And Hindu Brahmins reserve the right to pass it on to deserving people? For some reason I don't place much credence in that statement. And what the hell is this guy doing, accusing a "pundit" of being a sicko with a shit-encrusted tongue? That's so un-Hindu, man. But I did look up the word "pundit" on the Wiki. It defines a pundit as follows.
Pandits are hired to chant Vedic verses at yagyas and other events, both public and private. The chanting is meant to be listened to with a quiet mind for the purpose of spiritual development for the listener as well as enlivening of the atmosphere at an event.
Now, I doubt that the Rude One has ever chanted a Vedic verse in his lifetime. However, from what I know of him, not only does he develop one spiritually, but also enlivens the atmosphere quite a bit with his political discourse. So my friend Hindu Brahmin, you are wrong. The Rude One might be a shit-tongued sicko, but he falls well-within the textbook definition of a pundit.Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Blame-Gandhi day celebrated on October 2 throughout India
Amidst much pomp and pageantry, thousands of Indians took to the streets and logged on to the internet on October 2nd to celebrate Blame-Gandhi day. Blame-Gandhi day, a popular holiday among post-independence baby-boomers, is celebrated every year on Mohandas K. Gandhi's birthday to commemorate the evils that have befallen India due to the life and legacy of Mohandas K. Gandhi.
M.K Gandhi, also known during his time as the Mahatma, was the leader of the Quit India movement of 1942 that was aimed at ousting India's British rulers from the country, and which finally culminated in India's independence.
On being asked to explain the cultural significance of Blame-Gandhi day, one street reveller who was symbolically beating a Gandhi effigy to death with a cricket bat replied, "This holiday is aimed at educating the current generation of Indians as to how Gandhi ruined India politically and economically. For example, look at his concept of Satyagraha. Does it make any sense to you? Instead of opposing British rule in a non-violent manner, Indians should have engaged in a violent rebellion." When asked where the weapons for this rebellion would have come from at a time when the British controlled the means of production, the gentleman replied "The neighbourhood grocery store, of course, where else?"
The angry anti-Gandhian was also extremely vocal about the Mahatma's policy of Swadeshi. "Swadeshi does not make any sense at all. Why should we manufacture our own cloth when we can import it more cheaply from, say, China? Gandhi was way off in this regard", said the indignant economist. "Sure, back then, during the British Raj, our only alternative to indigenously producing goods was buying them from the British, which would consequently empower them, thus making India more of a slave to the British government, but still, free markets man, that is the way to go in the 21st century."
The Gandhi critic had more advice for the late M.K Gandhi. "And why did Gandhi denounce partnering with the Nazis against the British Government? After all, the Nazis were far better than the Brits. They never massacred anyone like the British did in Jallianwala Bagh."
On being asked for a final word, the irate gentleman finally calmed down and said, "See, the bottom line is, Gandhi was a great leader. His policies might have worked back then. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if those policies might have been the only option for India during the British Raj. But my point is, these policies do not have any relevance now in modern India, and people need to know that. That is the fundamental objective of Blame-Gandhi day. To denigrate the Mahatma's outdated policies through the denigration of the Mahatma himself."
The Indian National Congress, the ruling party in India, who owns the patent for the Gandhi brand-name, lashed out against the celebrations. "This is an outrage. The Mahatma cannot be ridiculed in this manner. Ridiculing the Mahatma is tantamount to ridiculing the Congress Party. And ridiculing the Congress Party is tantamount to ridiculing India."
In other news, the total number of little old men who single handedly brought an entire empire to it's knees, who stopped looting and violence in a fledgeling nation when nothing else seemed to work by threatening to starve themselves to death still remains at one.
M.K Gandhi, also known during his time as the Mahatma, was the leader of the Quit India movement of 1942 that was aimed at ousting India's British rulers from the country, and which finally culminated in India's independence.
On being asked to explain the cultural significance of Blame-Gandhi day, one street reveller who was symbolically beating a Gandhi effigy to death with a cricket bat replied, "This holiday is aimed at educating the current generation of Indians as to how Gandhi ruined India politically and economically. For example, look at his concept of Satyagraha. Does it make any sense to you? Instead of opposing British rule in a non-violent manner, Indians should have engaged in a violent rebellion." When asked where the weapons for this rebellion would have come from at a time when the British controlled the means of production, the gentleman replied "The neighbourhood grocery store, of course, where else?"
The angry anti-Gandhian was also extremely vocal about the Mahatma's policy of Swadeshi. "Swadeshi does not make any sense at all. Why should we manufacture our own cloth when we can import it more cheaply from, say, China? Gandhi was way off in this regard", said the indignant economist. "Sure, back then, during the British Raj, our only alternative to indigenously producing goods was buying them from the British, which would consequently empower them, thus making India more of a slave to the British government, but still, free markets man, that is the way to go in the 21st century."
The Gandhi critic had more advice for the late M.K Gandhi. "And why did Gandhi denounce partnering with the Nazis against the British Government? After all, the Nazis were far better than the Brits. They never massacred anyone like the British did in Jallianwala Bagh."
On being asked for a final word, the irate gentleman finally calmed down and said, "See, the bottom line is, Gandhi was a great leader. His policies might have worked back then. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if those policies might have been the only option for India during the British Raj. But my point is, these policies do not have any relevance now in modern India, and people need to know that. That is the fundamental objective of Blame-Gandhi day. To denigrate the Mahatma's outdated policies through the denigration of the Mahatma himself."
The Indian National Congress, the ruling party in India, who owns the patent for the Gandhi brand-name, lashed out against the celebrations. "This is an outrage. The Mahatma cannot be ridiculed in this manner. Ridiculing the Mahatma is tantamount to ridiculing the Congress Party. And ridiculing the Congress Party is tantamount to ridiculing India."
In other news, the total number of little old men who single handedly brought an entire empire to it's knees, who stopped looting and violence in a fledgeling nation when nothing else seemed to work by threatening to starve themselves to death still remains at one.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
A letter to Preston and Steve of the Morning Show
Dear Preston and Steve
I am a long-time regular listener of your morning show. I think you guys are the funniest thing since adult diapers. I have been listening to your show ever since you were on Y100, and one day when I got into my car, turned on the radio and found rap music emanating from my speakers, I was devastated. Rumor had it that you were going to be back on the air with WMMR soon. So I waited and I waited, I checked the news everyday, and when finally you returned back to humanity, I wept for joy.
I enjoy the Bizarre Files. I especially enjoyed the Bizarre Files edition of October 4th. It included a story on a couple of Indian villagers fined by their village elders for keeping a pet ghost in their house. It was a hilarious story and I laughed heartily. At least upto the point when Steve said in a kind of derisive tone, "What an incredibly advanced civilization!".
I am an Indian by origin. A "Kamasutra, Yoga, elephant" kind of Indian, not the "teepee, painted skin" kind. No, I am not one of those people, you know who I am talking about. Those who like to be politically correct, who cannot take an ethnic joke. I laugh at myself, I laugh at other Indians, Mexicans, Americans, even the Martians who infest my toilet bowl. So no, I am not one of those people. But I found Steve's statement extremely strange, wherein he judged an entire civilization of a billion people, based on the antics of a small group of uneducated superstitious people who form only a small part of it.
But the final irony was to follow a bit later in the show, where you did a section in the same Bizarre Files of a church group in England who have lingerie parties in the name of God, who sit around in their underwear sharing anecdotes about Adam and Eve. Now, as an Indian, and an atheist, I find this behavior truly fascinating and truly bizarre. For me, belief in Adam And Eve is structurally on as sound a footing as believing that you own a pet ghost. However, I understand that this segment of the Western world which believes in the birth of Womankind from Mankind's rib does not in any way reflect upon the rational majority of Westerners, and that if informed about this church group, the average Indian's first reaction would not be to impugn the entire Western world.
So what the hell is the fucking point of this mail? None, I just felt the need to vent a bit. After all, you do have the Love you, Hate you line don't you? Consider this my contribution to it. After all, I do love you guys, but I hated this remark of Steve's. Thank you for listening to my rant. (In case you haven't deleted my mail by now).
As Steve would say, G'day (in an "Austrian" accent)
Sincerely,
***
I am a long-time regular listener of your morning show. I think you guys are the funniest thing since adult diapers. I have been listening to your show ever since you were on Y100, and one day when I got into my car, turned on the radio and found rap music emanating from my speakers, I was devastated. Rumor had it that you were going to be back on the air with WMMR soon. So I waited and I waited, I checked the news everyday, and when finally you returned back to humanity, I wept for joy.
I enjoy the Bizarre Files. I especially enjoyed the Bizarre Files edition of October 4th. It included a story on a couple of Indian villagers fined by their village elders for keeping a pet ghost in their house. It was a hilarious story and I laughed heartily. At least upto the point when Steve said in a kind of derisive tone, "What an incredibly advanced civilization!".
I am an Indian by origin. A "Kamasutra, Yoga, elephant" kind of Indian, not the "teepee, painted skin" kind. No, I am not one of those people, you know who I am talking about. Those who like to be politically correct, who cannot take an ethnic joke. I laugh at myself, I laugh at other Indians, Mexicans, Americans, even the Martians who infest my toilet bowl. So no, I am not one of those people. But I found Steve's statement extremely strange, wherein he judged an entire civilization of a billion people, based on the antics of a small group of uneducated superstitious people who form only a small part of it.
But the final irony was to follow a bit later in the show, where you did a section in the same Bizarre Files of a church group in England who have lingerie parties in the name of God, who sit around in their underwear sharing anecdotes about Adam and Eve. Now, as an Indian, and an atheist, I find this behavior truly fascinating and truly bizarre. For me, belief in Adam And Eve is structurally on as sound a footing as believing that you own a pet ghost. However, I understand that this segment of the Western world which believes in the birth of Womankind from Mankind's rib does not in any way reflect upon the rational majority of Westerners, and that if informed about this church group, the average Indian's first reaction would not be to impugn the entire Western world.
So what the hell is the fucking point of this mail? None, I just felt the need to vent a bit. After all, you do have the Love you, Hate you line don't you? Consider this my contribution to it. After all, I do love you guys, but I hated this remark of Steve's. Thank you for listening to my rant. (In case you haven't deleted my mail by now).
As Steve would say, G'day (in an "Austrian" accent)
Sincerely,
***
Bill Bennett begs the media to distort his remarks
Dr William Bennett, a right wing radio host came under fire when he made a racist declaration on his radio show which resulted in a huge backlash within the country. He said the following :
"If you wanted to reduce crime ... if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down."
There was an immediate uproar in the country with most of the populace identifying more than a hint of racism contained within Dr Bennett's remarks. Bennett responded with a call to the mainstream media. "This is a request to anyone in the media who is listening to please misinterpret my remarks. I know that we on the Republican Right, have time and time again complained of the media taking us out of context, but this time I really need you to do it. If there is anyone in the media who wishes to showcase their incompetence, now is the time"
The media, however, was not so lenient with Dr Bennett, and insisted on repeating his statements verbatim. "This stubborn unwillingness of the media to spin my insane ramblings into something approaching sense definitively proves the media's liberal bias", said an indignant Bennett. "They always talk about the media distorting someone's comments and taking them out of context. Why is this not happening in my case? Where is the media's notorious lack of comprehension regarding clearly enunciated statements?"
CNN's Wolf Blitzer, when asked for comment, replied "In most cases of media distortion, the distortee usually gives us some wriggle room by either using an ambiguous sentence construction, double entendre or mumbled, partially incoherent words which could, if need be, be used as wildcards in order to change the literal meaning of the remark. But in this case, Dr Bennett has given us no leeway whatsoever. He said aborting black babies will lead to a reduced crime rate. There is no way these words can be interpreted as anything else."
In other news, animal rights activists are getting ready to protest Republican milking of the 9/11 cow for the second consecutive presidential election.
"If you wanted to reduce crime ... if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down."
There was an immediate uproar in the country with most of the populace identifying more than a hint of racism contained within Dr Bennett's remarks. Bennett responded with a call to the mainstream media. "This is a request to anyone in the media who is listening to please misinterpret my remarks. I know that we on the Republican Right, have time and time again complained of the media taking us out of context, but this time I really need you to do it. If there is anyone in the media who wishes to showcase their incompetence, now is the time"
The media, however, was not so lenient with Dr Bennett, and insisted on repeating his statements verbatim. "This stubborn unwillingness of the media to spin my insane ramblings into something approaching sense definitively proves the media's liberal bias", said an indignant Bennett. "They always talk about the media distorting someone's comments and taking them out of context. Why is this not happening in my case? Where is the media's notorious lack of comprehension regarding clearly enunciated statements?"
CNN's Wolf Blitzer, when asked for comment, replied "In most cases of media distortion, the distortee usually gives us some wriggle room by either using an ambiguous sentence construction, double entendre or mumbled, partially incoherent words which could, if need be, be used as wildcards in order to change the literal meaning of the remark. But in this case, Dr Bennett has given us no leeway whatsoever. He said aborting black babies will lead to a reduced crime rate. There is no way these words can be interpreted as anything else."
In other news, animal rights activists are getting ready to protest Republican milking of the 9/11 cow for the second consecutive presidential election.
Monday, October 03, 2005
God operates at 77% efficiency
The mystery of the renegade cellphone
Usually I don't check my cellphone bill every month. Whatever those bloodsuckers want, I give it to them, no questions asked. No, I am not a trusting person, but yes, I am lazy. Laziness trumps everything. It's a well-known fact.
Anyways, the other day, I ran out of things to surf on the internet, and I decided to visit the website of my cellphone service provider. I scanned my bill and mother of God, what the fuck? I had 100 text messages on my bill in that month. In all, 10 extra bucks to pay. And all of them to the same telephone number. Ranting and raving, I ran to my wife in the other room. I started babbling about humongous cellphone bills and text messages and unidentified phone numbers and bankruptcy.
My wife, who was working on her laptop, without even looking at me, asked me to first go check whose phone those messages went from, mine or hers. We have a joint cellphone account. What do you mean, whose phone, it was your phone, I don't even know how to text message, said I. Go, my wife commanded. I went.
It turned out it was my phone. I couldn't believe my eyes. What the hell, I thought. I looked at the times that these text messages were sent, and I found out that all these messages were sent in a mere 10 minutes. That is, a text message every 6 seconds. To the same number. I suddenly remembered a news article I had read, about Paris Hilton's cellphone being hacked and stuff. I did a search on google on Paris Hilton. Google came up with a number of sex links. Quickly surfing through all of those, I then added the keywords "cellphone hack" to my search phrase. I got a link that appeared to be useful, which explained to me that her cellphone was hacked, and that someone managed to gain access to her voicemail. Shit, I cursed under my breath, that's not what's happened here. If not hacking, then what?
Suddenly, I had a bright idea. A bright idea for someone with my level of brightness, that is. I went to my cellphone outbox folder and checked for any messages. There they were, all 100 of them. Staring up at me, all nice and cozy and mocking me. All with the same message "****". "****" being the name of my cousin. And all going to my cousin. I was stunned. So someone actually did send these messages from my cellphone. But who?
I tried to remember if there had been any time in the past month when I had left my cellphone alone, somewhere devoid of my supervision. But even if I had, what kind of person would arbitrarily text message using someone else's phone every 6 seconds for a full 10 minutes? That too, to someone that person didn't even know? It didn't make any sense.
Then, I had another bright idea. This time, it was bright beyond even my level of brightness. I mean, it was positively blazing. On a hunch, I pressed the right menu button of my cellphone. I pressed it again. I kept pressing. My cellphone went through all the motions expected of it if someone should keep pressing the right menu button. It went through the following menus :
Messages, New SMS, Message body, Message Send, Send to, Address book, Groups, Family, Open, Cousin name, Cousin number select, Message Send doublecheck, Boom send. A text message went out to my cousin. Aha!
So, basically, I found out that if my right menu button was pressed 13 times in succession, an SMS would go to my cousin. It all made sense now. Well, not quite. For 100 messages to be sent to my cousin, the right button would have to be pressed 1300 times in succession. I had never done it. And I always have my cellphone on automatic key lock mode so it doesn't call people inadvertantly. So there must have been some kind of electrical dysfunction within the cellphone, which kept sending a signal to the CPU that appeared to be from the right menu button, thus sending 100 text messages. At least, that is my surmise. Although I still do not know for sure.
The only question that needs to be asked now is whether my cousin has disowned me. Because I haven't heard from her for a long time. Maybe I should call her to find out. Or maybe text message her. Yeah, let me do that.
Anyways, the other day, I ran out of things to surf on the internet, and I decided to visit the website of my cellphone service provider. I scanned my bill and mother of God, what the fuck? I had 100 text messages on my bill in that month. In all, 10 extra bucks to pay. And all of them to the same telephone number. Ranting and raving, I ran to my wife in the other room. I started babbling about humongous cellphone bills and text messages and unidentified phone numbers and bankruptcy.
My wife, who was working on her laptop, without even looking at me, asked me to first go check whose phone those messages went from, mine or hers. We have a joint cellphone account. What do you mean, whose phone, it was your phone, I don't even know how to text message, said I. Go, my wife commanded. I went.
It turned out it was my phone. I couldn't believe my eyes. What the hell, I thought. I looked at the times that these text messages were sent, and I found out that all these messages were sent in a mere 10 minutes. That is, a text message every 6 seconds. To the same number. I suddenly remembered a news article I had read, about Paris Hilton's cellphone being hacked and stuff. I did a search on google on Paris Hilton. Google came up with a number of sex links. Quickly surfing through all of those, I then added the keywords "cellphone hack" to my search phrase. I got a link that appeared to be useful, which explained to me that her cellphone was hacked, and that someone managed to gain access to her voicemail. Shit, I cursed under my breath, that's not what's happened here. If not hacking, then what?
Suddenly, I had a bright idea. A bright idea for someone with my level of brightness, that is. I went to my cellphone outbox folder and checked for any messages. There they were, all 100 of them. Staring up at me, all nice and cozy and mocking me. All with the same message "****". "****" being the name of my cousin. And all going to my cousin. I was stunned. So someone actually did send these messages from my cellphone. But who?
I tried to remember if there had been any time in the past month when I had left my cellphone alone, somewhere devoid of my supervision. But even if I had, what kind of person would arbitrarily text message using someone else's phone every 6 seconds for a full 10 minutes? That too, to someone that person didn't even know? It didn't make any sense.
Then, I had another bright idea. This time, it was bright beyond even my level of brightness. I mean, it was positively blazing. On a hunch, I pressed the right menu button of my cellphone. I pressed it again. I kept pressing. My cellphone went through all the motions expected of it if someone should keep pressing the right menu button. It went through the following menus :
Messages, New SMS, Message body, Message Send, Send to, Address book, Groups, Family, Open, Cousin name, Cousin number select, Message Send doublecheck, Boom send. A text message went out to my cousin. Aha!
So, basically, I found out that if my right menu button was pressed 13 times in succession, an SMS would go to my cousin. It all made sense now. Well, not quite. For 100 messages to be sent to my cousin, the right button would have to be pressed 1300 times in succession. I had never done it. And I always have my cellphone on automatic key lock mode so it doesn't call people inadvertantly. So there must have been some kind of electrical dysfunction within the cellphone, which kept sending a signal to the CPU that appeared to be from the right menu button, thus sending 100 text messages. At least, that is my surmise. Although I still do not know for sure.
The only question that needs to be asked now is whether my cousin has disowned me. Because I haven't heard from her for a long time. Maybe I should call her to find out. Or maybe text message her. Yeah, let me do that.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Forgotten Politics
Readers who tune in everyday or every other day or once every month for my views on politics in this country might be grumbling, saying I haven't done a lot for them lately. And I agree. I haven't. See, but the thing is, ever since Katrina, not a lot has been happening on the political front. It's like Katrina kinda made Bush and his gang of imbeciles lay low so as to not draw any more attention to themselves. Which is why I haven't been able to gather a lot of material to make fun of these guys. But I think it's high time I touched on one fact that's been in the news.
The Valerie Plame case. To people who werent aware, this is what happened. Joe Wilson, former US ambassador to Ghana or Uganda or one of them African nations, was sent to Africa to investigate whether Saddam Hussain actually did try to procure uranium from Niger. The uranium claim, as people might be knowing, was President Bush's Ace of Spades in convincing the country to go to war in Iraq. Joe Wilson, however, after a thorough investigation, said no. Refused to go along with the Bush administration. To which the Bush administration replied, yeah? Fuck you then, your wife's CIA. Someone in the Bush administration, vengefully, leaked to the press that Wilson's wife was an undercover CIA agent. Ah, retribution.
When the media made a big case out of it, Bush said the following :
"I don't know of anybody in my administration who leaked classified information. If somebody did leak classified information, I'd like to know it, and we'll take the appropriate action."
Ok, so our honest president, according to his press release, was extremely interested in getting to the bottom of this mess. And now, we find out who are the people who were the actual culprits? Karl Rove, Bush's right hand man and Scooter (wtf?) Libby, Vice president Dick Cheney's right hand man.
So, my question is, does Bush really expect us to believe that both his and the VP's most trusted men leaked a CIA agent's name to the press, acting on their own? This is just too far fetched to believe. Bush HAD to know what was happening. But if this is true, if Bush did know who was the leaker, then what he said to the press was a lie. It means Bush has been caught in an out-and-out lie. And motherfuck, wouldn't that be something? Seriously? See, two consecutive presidents caught in two separate lies, one about a fuckin blowjob and one which would compromise national security. Which lie would be more important in the scheme of things, I wonder.
Media, I'm watching you. Don't screw this one up. If you do, I swear, you won't hear the end of it.
Update : ThinkProgress reports that Bush and Cheney might have played a direct role in the leak.
The Valerie Plame case. To people who werent aware, this is what happened. Joe Wilson, former US ambassador to Ghana or Uganda or one of them African nations, was sent to Africa to investigate whether Saddam Hussain actually did try to procure uranium from Niger. The uranium claim, as people might be knowing, was President Bush's Ace of Spades in convincing the country to go to war in Iraq. Joe Wilson, however, after a thorough investigation, said no. Refused to go along with the Bush administration. To which the Bush administration replied, yeah? Fuck you then, your wife's CIA. Someone in the Bush administration, vengefully, leaked to the press that Wilson's wife was an undercover CIA agent. Ah, retribution.
When the media made a big case out of it, Bush said the following :
"I don't know of anybody in my administration who leaked classified information. If somebody did leak classified information, I'd like to know it, and we'll take the appropriate action."
Ok, so our honest president, according to his press release, was extremely interested in getting to the bottom of this mess. And now, we find out who are the people who were the actual culprits? Karl Rove, Bush's right hand man and Scooter (wtf?) Libby, Vice president Dick Cheney's right hand man.
So, my question is, does Bush really expect us to believe that both his and the VP's most trusted men leaked a CIA agent's name to the press, acting on their own? This is just too far fetched to believe. Bush HAD to know what was happening. But if this is true, if Bush did know who was the leaker, then what he said to the press was a lie. It means Bush has been caught in an out-and-out lie. And motherfuck, wouldn't that be something? Seriously? See, two consecutive presidents caught in two separate lies, one about a fuckin blowjob and one which would compromise national security. Which lie would be more important in the scheme of things, I wonder.
Media, I'm watching you. Don't screw this one up. If you do, I swear, you won't hear the end of it.
Update : ThinkProgress reports that Bush and Cheney might have played a direct role in the leak.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Stupid little train station story
This won't take much time. Really, the only reason I'm posting this is because I need to get this off my brain. Otherwise I'll keep obsessing about it, trying to make a huge long post about it, but really, it's a stupid fuckall story and doesn't deserve a huge post.
So I drive up to the train station for my daily evening vigil. I pull up into a parking spot, roll down my window, put on some Marilyn Manson on the stereo and fall asleep. For people who do not know who the Reverend Manson is, he is a guy who makes some very heavy, very unGodly music. So, as I am drowsing in my car to the satanic beats of the Reverend, a car pulls up in the parking spot beside mine containing a woman, who also proceeds to roll down her window. For the next 15 minutes, me and the woman are both listening to Manson emanating from my car, me by choice and the woman by circumstance. Then my wife's train pulls in and we roll off into the sunset.
The next day, at the same time, I again pull into the train station. I notice a parking spot available between two cars and I park my car. I open my window and look into the car beside mine, and I'll be goddamned if it isn't the same woman from yesterday. She looks at me at the same time and a look of terror, combined with loathing flashes across her face. She puts her car in gear, and speeds out of the parking spot, goes to a spot about 5 cars away from mine and pulls in.
Guffawing heartily at this humorous chain of events, I turn on my stereo and settle down for the long wait ahead.
So I drive up to the train station for my daily evening vigil. I pull up into a parking spot, roll down my window, put on some Marilyn Manson on the stereo and fall asleep. For people who do not know who the Reverend Manson is, he is a guy who makes some very heavy, very unGodly music. So, as I am drowsing in my car to the satanic beats of the Reverend, a car pulls up in the parking spot beside mine containing a woman, who also proceeds to roll down her window. For the next 15 minutes, me and the woman are both listening to Manson emanating from my car, me by choice and the woman by circumstance. Then my wife's train pulls in and we roll off into the sunset.
The next day, at the same time, I again pull into the train station. I notice a parking spot available between two cars and I park my car. I open my window and look into the car beside mine, and I'll be goddamned if it isn't the same woman from yesterday. She looks at me at the same time and a look of terror, combined with loathing flashes across her face. She puts her car in gear, and speeds out of the parking spot, goes to a spot about 5 cars away from mine and pulls in.
Guffawing heartily at this humorous chain of events, I turn on my stereo and settle down for the long wait ahead.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Blog plug of the week
My friend S, from this post called me up this weekend. And I found out from him, that he has a blog too. And he found out from me that I have a blog. We exchanged urls and since then, he has allegedly spent 2 hours on my blog, and I on his. Well, not 2 hours. 'Cause he doesn't have as much material on his. He is probably one of the funniest people I know. And fuck, he writes well too, which I didn't know. But boy oh boy what fun times we had back in the day. Anyways, check out this post of his about how poor Indian graduate students get screwed when they need a haircut. And this one, which is an ode to Amitabh Bacchan. And this one where I didn't really understand what the fuck he is on about. I can only assume he was high.
Anyways, I hope he starts to blog regularly now and we meet up some day soon.
He lives 1.5 hours away. I really need to get out more often.
Oh, and my name isn't Popatlal. He just calls me that. He has his reasons, I guess.
Anyways, I hope he starts to blog regularly now and we meet up some day soon.
He lives 1.5 hours away. I really need to get out more often.
Oh, and my name isn't Popatlal. He just calls me that. He has his reasons, I guess.
Fun with television
Here's something funny. Hurricane Rita was dominating the news, CNN had a reporter in the field, Aaron Brown of Newsnight was talking to him. The reporter said something to the effect that, "Compared to Hurricane Andrew and Hurricane Dennis, that made landfall here, Hurricane ..... er...um... this hurricane ....blah blah blah." It was obvious that the reporter had forgotten the name of the hurricane he was supposed to be covering. Long live journalism!
Speaking of Godcrazy religious nutsacks, Pat Robertson of the 700 Club (see here and here) , was speaking about the need for conservative judges on the US Supreme court. He said, "See these .. these judges, they are just pulling these decisions out of their ..... um... out of thin air." You know, Pat, we know you are human. You can say "ass". I don't think it's any worse than calling for someone's assassination on the air. Assassination, by the way, contains two asses.
And what the fuck is with Toyota's new marketing slogan "Choose any direction as long as it's moving you forward". That does not mean anything. That statement is entirely devoid of any meaning whatsoever. It's like saying "Shit anywhere as long as you are sitting on the toilet bowl." It's just a bunch of words strung together to sound cool. Fuck you Toyota, we are not idiots.
And then there are these damn freaky outright creepy commercials. Cingular Wireless has this ad, where a dad goes around yelling at his family, the members of which are engaged in a bunch of shady things, who get freaked out when dad starts yelling at them. But soon they realize he is merely yelling at them for spending too many wireless minutes, and not to express disapproval at the particular psychotic activity they are engaging in. So this dad goes into his son's bedroom, where he is wearing a woman's dress and painting his lips, looking a lot like the deranged killer in "Silence of the Lambs". The son is vastly relieved when he realizes his dad's just mad at him for talking too much on the cellphone, and not at his cross dressing. We, on the other hand, are terrified and are shitting our collective pants.
Fedex or UPS or something, one of those courier services has another creepy ad. A bunch of chimney sweepers are shooting the breeze, and oddly enough, everytime either of them says anything, black soot is expelled from his mouth. We can only imagine the black tarry state these guys' lungs would be in. Watching this ad made my chest feel heavy and made me regret every single cigarette I have smoked in my entire life. In fact, before the product is mentioned, it would be quite easy to mistake this ad to be one encouraging people to quit smoking.
And fuck it Coors Light beer, how many times do I have to tell you that just because you transport your beer in refrigerated trucks, that does not mean it tastes colder than other beers? It seems like beer manufacturers have a seriously low opinion of their customers' IQ. Take for instance, Bud Light. A couple is house-hunting. The house they are currently looking at is so crappy that they can't wait to get the hell out of there. But their agent tells them they haven't seen the best part about the house yet, and he takes them into the backyard. Lo and behold, a beer tree bearing Bud Light fruit. The husband wets his pants in a paroxysm of ecstasy and buys the house right away. But my question is this. Isn't it obvious to anyone but an absolute idiot that the Bud Light tree is just a scam? 'Cause for a tree to bear beer fruit it's pretty obvious you would have to beer it instead of watering it. What is the fucking point of the tree then?
And finally, Snickers commercials. Man oh man, these pieces of art are just plumbing the increasingly abysmal depths of retardedness. An apartment is on fire, the resident panics, breaks the glass panel that says "Break in case of Fire". Inside is a Snickers bar, which he picks up and throws at the flames. Then, correctly observing that the chocolate bar does nothing to alleviate the flames, runs out screaming. Voiceover : "It is only satisfying when you eat it". You know what, I find it hard to believe such a retard could be resourceful enough to break the glass panel in the first place.
Speaking of Godcrazy religious nutsacks, Pat Robertson of the 700 Club (see here and here) , was speaking about the need for conservative judges on the US Supreme court. He said, "See these .. these judges, they are just pulling these decisions out of their ..... um... out of thin air." You know, Pat, we know you are human. You can say "ass". I don't think it's any worse than calling for someone's assassination on the air. Assassination, by the way, contains two asses.
And what the fuck is with Toyota's new marketing slogan "Choose any direction as long as it's moving you forward". That does not mean anything. That statement is entirely devoid of any meaning whatsoever. It's like saying "Shit anywhere as long as you are sitting on the toilet bowl." It's just a bunch of words strung together to sound cool. Fuck you Toyota, we are not idiots.
And then there are these damn freaky outright creepy commercials. Cingular Wireless has this ad, where a dad goes around yelling at his family, the members of which are engaged in a bunch of shady things, who get freaked out when dad starts yelling at them. But soon they realize he is merely yelling at them for spending too many wireless minutes, and not to express disapproval at the particular psychotic activity they are engaging in. So this dad goes into his son's bedroom, where he is wearing a woman's dress and painting his lips, looking a lot like the deranged killer in "Silence of the Lambs". The son is vastly relieved when he realizes his dad's just mad at him for talking too much on the cellphone, and not at his cross dressing. We, on the other hand, are terrified and are shitting our collective pants.
Fedex or UPS or something, one of those courier services has another creepy ad. A bunch of chimney sweepers are shooting the breeze, and oddly enough, everytime either of them says anything, black soot is expelled from his mouth. We can only imagine the black tarry state these guys' lungs would be in. Watching this ad made my chest feel heavy and made me regret every single cigarette I have smoked in my entire life. In fact, before the product is mentioned, it would be quite easy to mistake this ad to be one encouraging people to quit smoking.
And fuck it Coors Light beer, how many times do I have to tell you that just because you transport your beer in refrigerated trucks, that does not mean it tastes colder than other beers? It seems like beer manufacturers have a seriously low opinion of their customers' IQ. Take for instance, Bud Light. A couple is house-hunting. The house they are currently looking at is so crappy that they can't wait to get the hell out of there. But their agent tells them they haven't seen the best part about the house yet, and he takes them into the backyard. Lo and behold, a beer tree bearing Bud Light fruit. The husband wets his pants in a paroxysm of ecstasy and buys the house right away. But my question is this. Isn't it obvious to anyone but an absolute idiot that the Bud Light tree is just a scam? 'Cause for a tree to bear beer fruit it's pretty obvious you would have to beer it instead of watering it. What is the fucking point of the tree then?
And finally, Snickers commercials. Man oh man, these pieces of art are just plumbing the increasingly abysmal depths of retardedness. An apartment is on fire, the resident panics, breaks the glass panel that says "Break in case of Fire". Inside is a Snickers bar, which he picks up and throws at the flames. Then, correctly observing that the chocolate bar does nothing to alleviate the flames, runs out screaming. Voiceover : "It is only satisfying when you eat it". You know what, I find it hard to believe such a retard could be resourceful enough to break the glass panel in the first place.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
US Congress declares Americans an endangered species
The US Congress is getting ready to overhaul the "Endangered Species Act", which was passed in the 1970s to halt or reverse the degradation of the environment. The act was designed to protect critically imperiled species from extinction due to "the consequences of economic growth and development untempered by adequate concern and conservation."
Today Congress, correctly determining that Americans, also known as the species Homo Americanus, are facing almost certain extinction from terrorism, floods, disease and other natural threats, has concluded that they need to be placed under special protection. Under this new Act, Americans will enjoy numerous privileges not afforded to other unprotected species of wildlife.
The new updated Act requires that Americans be granted "critical habitats" within the ecosystem , also known as "strip malls" and "housing development projects", which encompass all areas necessary for the recovery of the species. This law will be especially valuable in conserving human habitats in places like Florida, which are under attack from wild orchids, alligators and other natural encroachers.
Richard Pombo, a conservative California rancher, who proposed the overhaul of the Act, commented, "Americans have lately been under a vicious attack from the environment, a trend if it continues, could wipe the race off the face of the planet in the near future. It is time we did something to save this species from extinction in order to preserve the beautiful biodiversity contained within the earth's ecosystem."
Pombo's plan has been met with stiff resistance from Democrats and environmentalists who claim it will be detrimental to other members of the animal kingdom like the bald eagle, the California sea otter and the Florida Manatee. Pombo has retorted saying "The bald eagle, the otter and the manatee are not under attack from Osama Bin Laden. They can take care of themselves."
In other news, God, having tried to drown mankind and failing miserably, is now trying a different technique.
Today Congress, correctly determining that Americans, also known as the species Homo Americanus, are facing almost certain extinction from terrorism, floods, disease and other natural threats, has concluded that they need to be placed under special protection. Under this new Act, Americans will enjoy numerous privileges not afforded to other unprotected species of wildlife.
The new updated Act requires that Americans be granted "critical habitats" within the ecosystem , also known as "strip malls" and "housing development projects", which encompass all areas necessary for the recovery of the species. This law will be especially valuable in conserving human habitats in places like Florida, which are under attack from wild orchids, alligators and other natural encroachers.
Richard Pombo, a conservative California rancher, who proposed the overhaul of the Act, commented, "Americans have lately been under a vicious attack from the environment, a trend if it continues, could wipe the race off the face of the planet in the near future. It is time we did something to save this species from extinction in order to preserve the beautiful biodiversity contained within the earth's ecosystem."
Pombo's plan has been met with stiff resistance from Democrats and environmentalists who claim it will be detrimental to other members of the animal kingdom like the bald eagle, the California sea otter and the Florida Manatee. Pombo has retorted saying "The bald eagle, the otter and the manatee are not under attack from Osama Bin Laden. They can take care of themselves."
In other news, God, having tried to drown mankind and failing miserably, is now trying a different technique.
The benefit of having a vacuous mind
I'm on my cellphone, talking to my wife, trying to ascertain the degree of tardiness of her train. I'm bored of waiting and I need to know whether it might be well worth my time to go home and return back to the train station armed with some reading material, pillows and a blanket. The wife says that won't be necessary, she is just about 5 minutes away. However, she continues, she is in a mood for some South Indian food and it would make her day if her desire for the same were to be fulfilled.
Bah, I grumble. I begin to do some mental time calculations, trying to determine if there is enough time for me to work out, go home, get liquored up in time for monday night football and yet fit South Indian food in between somewhere.
My wife senses my hesitation and uses her favorite technique for breaking my will. She embarks on a delightful narration of the gustatory adventure involving idlis, sambar and coconut chutney that she anticipates indulging in tonight. Lovingly, she describes the acute and overwhelming pleasure she would experience with her first bite of a steaming idli, how the spoonful of hot spicy sambar would mingle with the idli flour, closely followed thereafter by coconut chutney. She then describes to me how idli, sambar and coconut chutney would then mingle with each other, intertwined in a passionate ménage à trois of flavor and texture, which would then culminate in a final taste explosion never seen nor heard of in all eternity.
Enough, I say. I give up. Place an order for take out. Happily, my wife agrees.
As we drive to the South Indian eating joint, I see my wife rummage through her purse. My thoughts begin to wander aimlessly.
I wonder if purses serve any purpose whatsoever? Why do they need a purse if there's also a wallet inside the purse?
I wonder how much time women spend in a single lifetime just rummaging through their purses.
What is she looking for anyways?
Her credit card, maybe. She needs to pay for the food.
Didn't she tell me last time the owner refused to accept her credit card and asked for cash?
I wonder if she has cash on her. Probably not. She never does.
I wonder if she realized I flicked the 20 dollar bill she left on the dresser thursday night.
She will probably ask me for cash if she is out.
Do I have cash? What if I don't?
I don't think I do. I always spend all my cash on the weekend.
No, but didn't I get cashback at the grocery yesterday? Yeah, I did.
I distinctly remember asking for cashback, even putting it on my credit card.
Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure the grocery store clerk never gave me back my cash. And I was so overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff I bought that I never realized that.
The grocery store owes me 20 bucks. Fuck.
And just like that, my meandering hazy musings led me to cash, riches and happiness. I then went to the grocery store, got my 20 bucks and lived happily ever after.
The End.
Bah, I grumble. I begin to do some mental time calculations, trying to determine if there is enough time for me to work out, go home, get liquored up in time for monday night football and yet fit South Indian food in between somewhere.
My wife senses my hesitation and uses her favorite technique for breaking my will. She embarks on a delightful narration of the gustatory adventure involving idlis, sambar and coconut chutney that she anticipates indulging in tonight. Lovingly, she describes the acute and overwhelming pleasure she would experience with her first bite of a steaming idli, how the spoonful of hot spicy sambar would mingle with the idli flour, closely followed thereafter by coconut chutney. She then describes to me how idli, sambar and coconut chutney would then mingle with each other, intertwined in a passionate ménage à trois of flavor and texture, which would then culminate in a final taste explosion never seen nor heard of in all eternity.
Enough, I say. I give up. Place an order for take out. Happily, my wife agrees.
As we drive to the South Indian eating joint, I see my wife rummage through her purse. My thoughts begin to wander aimlessly.
I wonder if purses serve any purpose whatsoever? Why do they need a purse if there's also a wallet inside the purse?
I wonder how much time women spend in a single lifetime just rummaging through their purses.
What is she looking for anyways?
Her credit card, maybe. She needs to pay for the food.
Didn't she tell me last time the owner refused to accept her credit card and asked for cash?
I wonder if she has cash on her. Probably not. She never does.
I wonder if she realized I flicked the 20 dollar bill she left on the dresser thursday night.
She will probably ask me for cash if she is out.
Do I have cash? What if I don't?
I don't think I do. I always spend all my cash on the weekend.
No, but didn't I get cashback at the grocery yesterday? Yeah, I did.
I distinctly remember asking for cashback, even putting it on my credit card.
Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure the grocery store clerk never gave me back my cash. And I was so overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff I bought that I never realized that.
The grocery store owes me 20 bucks. Fuck.
And just like that, my meandering hazy musings led me to cash, riches and happiness. I then went to the grocery store, got my 20 bucks and lived happily ever after.
The End.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Halliburton awarded no-bid contracts to probe no-bid contracts awarded to Halliburton
In light of recent reports that government funds earmarked for reconstruction of areas devastated by hurricane Katrina were being improperly awarded via no-bid contracts to Halliburton, the federal government today hired consultants to investigate these allegations.
These consultants, employed by a company named Halliburton, are expected to look into charges of cronyism and abuse of Katrina funds. Halliburton, a company that was formerly run under Vice President Dick Cheney as CEO, has also been under scrutiny for having misused federal funds that were to have been used for Iraqi reconstruction.
"We believe in the old adage, that it is always better to set a thief in order to catch a thief", said Scott McClellan, the President's spokesman. "And as you can see, Halliburton's record in thievery is unimpeachable. Plus, when you are investigating a firm, it is always good to have someone working from inside the firm, preferably the firm itself."
Borrowing a page from Halliburton's book, FEMA, the emergency management agency that displayed an abysmal failure in responding to hurricane Katrina, announced that it will launch an investigation to identify systemic failures within FEMA that led to thousands of New Orleanians not being rescued immediately following the hurricane. Michael Brown, the disgraced former FEMA director, before resigning from his position, appointed himself head of the committee that will investigate the actions of Michael Brown, the disgraced former FEMA director during the hurricane aftermath.
In other news, Pamela Anderson has filed a motion seeking a restraining order on her breasts, which have threatened to cut loose and wreak havoc on the community.
These consultants, employed by a company named Halliburton, are expected to look into charges of cronyism and abuse of Katrina funds. Halliburton, a company that was formerly run under Vice President Dick Cheney as CEO, has also been under scrutiny for having misused federal funds that were to have been used for Iraqi reconstruction.
"We believe in the old adage, that it is always better to set a thief in order to catch a thief", said Scott McClellan, the President's spokesman. "And as you can see, Halliburton's record in thievery is unimpeachable. Plus, when you are investigating a firm, it is always good to have someone working from inside the firm, preferably the firm itself."
Borrowing a page from Halliburton's book, FEMA, the emergency management agency that displayed an abysmal failure in responding to hurricane Katrina, announced that it will launch an investigation to identify systemic failures within FEMA that led to thousands of New Orleanians not being rescued immediately following the hurricane. Michael Brown, the disgraced former FEMA director, before resigning from his position, appointed himself head of the committee that will investigate the actions of Michael Brown, the disgraced former FEMA director during the hurricane aftermath.
In other news, Pamela Anderson has filed a motion seeking a restraining order on her breasts, which have threatened to cut loose and wreak havoc on the community.
Donald Trump will have fifth baby, run out of rooms in his mansion
Donald Trump will have his fifth child in the spring of 2006, reports CNN. Trump, who already has 3 children with his first wife, Ivana Trump, whom he fired on his television show "The Apprentice" and one child with his second wife, Marla Maples, will have this latest addition to his family with his third wife (at the time this article went to press), Melanie Knauss.
With his fifth child, the real estate mogul will finally run out of rooms in his mansion to accomodate his growing coterie of wives and children.
"It is quite ironic for a real estate developer to run out of living space", said Roger Stone, Trump's advisor, when asked for a comment. "Call it Karma, or something else that would sound equally exotic. Kind of a "water, water everywhere but none to drink" situation. Oh ok, my lawyer has just informed me that in light of Mr Trump's possible 2008 presidential bid, I should quit making flood-related jokes. Thank you, that will be all."
In related news, a new study shows that the nation's gynaecologists might be the most undersexed in the medical profession.
With his fifth child, the real estate mogul will finally run out of rooms in his mansion to accomodate his growing coterie of wives and children.
"It is quite ironic for a real estate developer to run out of living space", said Roger Stone, Trump's advisor, when asked for a comment. "Call it Karma, or something else that would sound equally exotic. Kind of a "water, water everywhere but none to drink" situation. Oh ok, my lawyer has just informed me that in light of Mr Trump's possible 2008 presidential bid, I should quit making flood-related jokes. Thank you, that will be all."
In related news, a new study shows that the nation's gynaecologists might be the most undersexed in the medical profession.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Conservatives shocked by calls to conserve fuel
President Bush today asked Americans to begin conserving fuel, an announcement that sent conservatives into a stunned state of disbelief. The President, who has always been for increasing consumption of fossil fuels, flip flopped today when he seemed to imply that Americans should start thinking about reducing their consumption of gasoline. This reduction in gasoline consumption would be required because of low supplies, said the President.
When conservative supporters, enraged at being asked to conserve, vociferously aired their repugnance at this request of the President, Bush tried to calm them by saying, "I was speaking to the American Middle Class, not you."
Unappeased, conservatives are asking "What's next .... Voiding the tax breaks for the wealthy just because America is facing a shortage of government funds?"
In other news, the IRA has jumped on the outsourcing bandwagon and issued no-bid contracts to Halliburton for all it's terrorist operations.
When conservative supporters, enraged at being asked to conserve, vociferously aired their repugnance at this request of the President, Bush tried to calm them by saying, "I was speaking to the American Middle Class, not you."
Unappeased, conservatives are asking "What's next .... Voiding the tax breaks for the wealthy just because America is facing a shortage of government funds?"
In other news, the IRA has jumped on the outsourcing bandwagon and issued no-bid contracts to Halliburton for all it's terrorist operations.
Bollywood still clueless about the Oscars
So Bollywood has nominated the film Paheli to the Oscars as India's big-screen candidate. It appears to me that Bollywood is entirely clueless as to what the purpose of the Oscars is. I saw Paheli the other day. It was the only hindi movie I have seen in the past year. It was ok, in that I was not staring at a blank screen, and I had already paid 2 bucks for it, and hence, I felt a moral and monetary obligation to sit through the entire movie. But my God, it was so fucking boring. You really have to ask yourself, is Bollywood merely sending these films like Devdas and Paheli, with their non-existent storylines, colorful costumes and overabundance of songs as Oscar nominees just because they feel the Western world is so wedded to the idea of India being a land of elephants, camels and dudes and dudettes wearing colorful flowing clothing, who are just about to break into song and dance at the earliest available opportunity that anything other than that shown in a Bollywood movie would offend their cultural sensibilities? Would make them go "Huh .. Whaaa? Indians live in .... buildings? Made of concrete? With roofs n stuff? Wearing .... regular clothes? Man, and I thought I knew my India."
Here's a news flash for you, Bollywood. I think America is kind of aware that we wear shirts and trousers, you know. And that we own cars and trucks. And that we only sing and dance when we get liquored up or when other people get married. So how about you dig deeper into your film archives and come up with something better than this crap?
Amol Palekar, the film's director, says this about Paheli : "Paheli deals with a `woman's right to make a choice". So, Amol Palekar, with this righteous sounding summary of the movie's honorable intentions, would have us believe that the movie is a social commentary, something noble, dedicated to the cause of women. And what is the choice the woman has to make in the movie? She has to choose between fucking her husband who is going to be away for a while, or fucking a ghost that has taken the form of her husband but who is going to be available for fornication. And she chooses the horny ghost, fully aware that she might have vampire children.
So basically, the point Amol Palekar seems to be making in this film is that when a woman is faced with making a choice between staying faithful to an itinerant husband and being celibate for a while, as opposed to being unfaithful and making sweet love to the first maverick stranger that comes along, in this case, one from the otherworld, choosing the latter makes more sense. What kind of noble purpose does this serve anyways?
And you know what, if a ghost can take the form of a human male, have sex with a human female, bring her to a human orgasm and later have his ghostly sperm swim through her reproductive canal, fertilize her human ovum and get her pregnant, it is safe to assume that all that spiel about being a ghost and being able to walk through walls and everything was just an excuse to get the woman into bed, and he is not really a wandering spirit. After all, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, fucks like a duck and can create little ducklings, it has to be a duck right?
And Jesus Christ, enough with the cultural megalomania. It is one thing to showcase Indian culture in a film, and another to sideline the storyline to such an extent that the film is one big melange of Rajput accents, gaudy clothing, landscapes and strange and creepy rural behavior that could pass for cute ethnic idiosyncrasy.
Come on, Bollywood, surely you can't seriously believe that this is real film-making? After all, you are the land of Guru Dutt, Raj Kapoor and David Dhawan. You can do better than this. And you HAVE done better. You've just forgotten what better means.
Here's our hurricane survivor Patrix, with his views.
Here's a news flash for you, Bollywood. I think America is kind of aware that we wear shirts and trousers, you know. And that we own cars and trucks. And that we only sing and dance when we get liquored up or when other people get married. So how about you dig deeper into your film archives and come up with something better than this crap?
Amol Palekar, the film's director, says this about Paheli : "Paheli deals with a `woman's right to make a choice". So, Amol Palekar, with this righteous sounding summary of the movie's honorable intentions, would have us believe that the movie is a social commentary, something noble, dedicated to the cause of women. And what is the choice the woman has to make in the movie? She has to choose between fucking her husband who is going to be away for a while, or fucking a ghost that has taken the form of her husband but who is going to be available for fornication. And she chooses the horny ghost, fully aware that she might have vampire children.
So basically, the point Amol Palekar seems to be making in this film is that when a woman is faced with making a choice between staying faithful to an itinerant husband and being celibate for a while, as opposed to being unfaithful and making sweet love to the first maverick stranger that comes along, in this case, one from the otherworld, choosing the latter makes more sense. What kind of noble purpose does this serve anyways?
And you know what, if a ghost can take the form of a human male, have sex with a human female, bring her to a human orgasm and later have his ghostly sperm swim through her reproductive canal, fertilize her human ovum and get her pregnant, it is safe to assume that all that spiel about being a ghost and being able to walk through walls and everything was just an excuse to get the woman into bed, and he is not really a wandering spirit. After all, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, fucks like a duck and can create little ducklings, it has to be a duck right?
And Jesus Christ, enough with the cultural megalomania. It is one thing to showcase Indian culture in a film, and another to sideline the storyline to such an extent that the film is one big melange of Rajput accents, gaudy clothing, landscapes and strange and creepy rural behavior that could pass for cute ethnic idiosyncrasy.
Come on, Bollywood, surely you can't seriously believe that this is real film-making? After all, you are the land of Guru Dutt, Raj Kapoor and David Dhawan. You can do better than this. And you HAVE done better. You've just forgotten what better means.
Here's our hurricane survivor Patrix, with his views.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Hundreds of war supporters rally in Washington DC motel room
Supporters of the Iraq war today rallied in the hundreds in Washington DC to express their view that the war in Iraq should be continued because their friends and loved ones were serving over there. About 20,000 people were expected for the rally, support for the war being at an all-time high, and so, it was a bit of a let-down when only a few hundred showed up to make their point.
"We had erected huge pavilions and stadiums with hundreds of security personnel in order to accomodate all the people who we were sure would arrive for the rally, said an organizer. "But ultimately, all we needed was just a motel room and a poster of Hillary Clinton to deface, since it turned out to be just a hundred people."
"The group who spoke here the other day did not represent the American ideals of freedom, liberty and spreading that around the world," Sen. Jeff Sessions, an Alabama Republican, told the crowd, referring to the anti-war rally that had occurred in Washington DC the previous day. "I can tell you that the few of us here in this motel room who are still in a relative state of sobriety and not watching pay-per-view adult films, are in no way represented by the 150,000 people who gathered here yesterday in a treasonous display of affection for America's enemies."
The US army, currently suffering from a lack of new recruits and encouraged by the turnout at the pro-war rally, has decided to organize a number of pro-war rallies at all it's recruiting offices throughout the country in an attempt to identify prospective recruits.
In other news, President Bush has declared that the scientific community, previously having been repressed under an oligarchic regime, has finally been liberated. "Science has long been under the oppressive rule of a few selected so-called "scientists". We have now planted the seed of democracy in the scientific community which will allow every ordinary American to have a say in it's functioning. This is a major victory for our vision of spreading democracy throughout the world."
"We had erected huge pavilions and stadiums with hundreds of security personnel in order to accomodate all the people who we were sure would arrive for the rally, said an organizer. "But ultimately, all we needed was just a motel room and a poster of Hillary Clinton to deface, since it turned out to be just a hundred people."
"The group who spoke here the other day did not represent the American ideals of freedom, liberty and spreading that around the world," Sen. Jeff Sessions, an Alabama Republican, told the crowd, referring to the anti-war rally that had occurred in Washington DC the previous day. "I can tell you that the few of us here in this motel room who are still in a relative state of sobriety and not watching pay-per-view adult films, are in no way represented by the 150,000 people who gathered here yesterday in a treasonous display of affection for America's enemies."
The US army, currently suffering from a lack of new recruits and encouraged by the turnout at the pro-war rally, has decided to organize a number of pro-war rallies at all it's recruiting offices throughout the country in an attempt to identify prospective recruits.
In other news, President Bush has declared that the scientific community, previously having been repressed under an oligarchic regime, has finally been liberated. "Science has long been under the oppressive rule of a few selected so-called "scientists". We have now planted the seed of democracy in the scientific community which will allow every ordinary American to have a say in it's functioning. This is a major victory for our vision of spreading democracy throughout the world."
Friday, September 23, 2005
That was the sound of Bush falling off the wagon
So it seems that after about 20 years of staying sober, Bush has finally fallen off the wagon (via C&L). As in started drinking again. What else would explain this cryptic remark of his at this press conference?
THE PRESIDENT (speaking about the porous border between Syria and Iraq) : blah blah blah ..... And so it's a long border. One of the things is that we need to continue to train the Iraqis to be better controllers of the border, and that's one of the missions that General Casey briefed us on today. Bianca. Nobody named Bianca? Well, sorry Bianca's not here. I'll be glad to answer her question.
Q : I'll follow up.
THE PRESIDENT: No, that's fine. (Laughter.) Thank you though, appreciate it. Just trying to spread around the joy of asking a question.
.
.
.
.
Q : Mr. President, could we talk more about --
THE PRESIDENT: Are you Bianca?
Q : No, I'm not. Anita -- Fox News.
THE PRESIDENT: Okay.
Q : Just a quick question --
THE PRESIDENT: Okay. I was looking for Bianca. I'm sorry.
Who the fuck is Bianca? What's he babbling about? Why is he looking for Bianca? And more importantly, why does Laura Bush have that homicidal look on her face?
THE PRESIDENT (speaking about the porous border between Syria and Iraq) : blah blah blah ..... And so it's a long border. One of the things is that we need to continue to train the Iraqis to be better controllers of the border, and that's one of the missions that General Casey briefed us on today. Bianca. Nobody named Bianca? Well, sorry Bianca's not here. I'll be glad to answer her question.
Q : I'll follow up.
THE PRESIDENT: No, that's fine. (Laughter.) Thank you though, appreciate it. Just trying to spread around the joy of asking a question.
.
.
.
.
Q : Mr. President, could we talk more about --
THE PRESIDENT: Are you Bianca?
Q : No, I'm not. Anita -- Fox News.
THE PRESIDENT: Okay.
Q : Just a quick question --
THE PRESIDENT: Okay. I was looking for Bianca. I'm sorry.
Who the fuck is Bianca? What's he babbling about? Why is he looking for Bianca? And more importantly, why does Laura Bush have that homicidal look on her face?
England : Love made her ridicule prisoner genitalia
Lynndie England, an accused in the notorious Abu Ghraib prison scandal, where a number of Iraqi prisoners were stripped, forced to masturbate and stacked in a pyramid and then photographed, has defended her actions, saying that it was her love for her boyfriend that made her do those things.
England, seen here standing beside a group of naked Iraqis, pointing derisively at their penises, tried to justify her behavior by saying that she was just trying to make her boyfriend, whom she loved oh so much, feel good about the size of his miniscule penis by comparing it with those of the Iraqis.
Pvt. Charles Graner, her boyfriend, also a soldier who was posted in the same prison, has defended his girlfriend's actions. "Those were hard times for me. Actually, not so "hard" if you know what I mean. When we made love, even though she didn't say anything, I could sense that Lynndie was not really satisfied with the performance of little Mr Johnson. And it got me depressed and made me lose focus of my job to such an extent that sometimes I stacked those poor prisoners in a pentahedron of nakedness instead of a pyramid. Yeah, it must have been hard on them."
England testified that her boyfriend was needlessly worried about his manhood. "He wasn't any worse than the other guys, you know. At least the other white guys", she said dreamily. "But he really needed me to tell him that. So I stripped all these prisoners, lined them up and made fun of their genitals, just to let Charlie know how much I loved him and that his ridiculously diminutive member was not really that much of an aberration."
In unrelated news, President Bush attempted to calm the fear of America's elderly populace, who were afraid that their medicare funding would face deep cuts in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, by advising them that the best way for old people to stay healthy was to join the army where the government would take care of their health for them. (via Raw Story)
England, seen here standing beside a group of naked Iraqis, pointing derisively at their penises, tried to justify her behavior by saying that she was just trying to make her boyfriend, whom she loved oh so much, feel good about the size of his miniscule penis by comparing it with those of the Iraqis.Pvt. Charles Graner, her boyfriend, also a soldier who was posted in the same prison, has defended his girlfriend's actions. "Those were hard times for me. Actually, not so "hard" if you know what I mean. When we made love, even though she didn't say anything, I could sense that Lynndie was not really satisfied with the performance of little Mr Johnson. And it got me depressed and made me lose focus of my job to such an extent that sometimes I stacked those poor prisoners in a pentahedron of nakedness instead of a pyramid. Yeah, it must have been hard on them."
England testified that her boyfriend was needlessly worried about his manhood. "He wasn't any worse than the other guys, you know. At least the other white guys", she said dreamily. "But he really needed me to tell him that. So I stripped all these prisoners, lined them up and made fun of their genitals, just to let Charlie know how much I loved him and that his ridiculously diminutive member was not really that much of an aberration."
In unrelated news, President Bush attempted to calm the fear of America's elderly populace, who were afraid that their medicare funding would face deep cuts in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, by advising them that the best way for old people to stay healthy was to join the army where the government would take care of their health for them. (via Raw Story)
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Republicans to cut funding to Amtrak
Like a hyena on scraps of rotting flesh, the Republicans have grabbed the opportunity given to them by Hurricane Katrina's devastation, to propose a cut in funding for Amtrak, the only intercity rail service in America. As I pointed out in a previous post, America might probably be the only country in the world which is actually regressing in the field of mass transit, by bleeding it dry of funds, whereas other countries like Japan are investing a lot of money into it.
But here's my plan. Instead of saving a measly 250 million dollars and wrecking the only hope for mass rail transit America might have for the future, how about we withdraw from Iraq, where we are bleeding on an average about 5 billion dollars worth of taxpayer money in a single month? Then, we might actually be able to afford some money for reconstructing our own nation, rather than some other country which really doesn't even want us there.
Or, how about we shelve plans for going to the Moon or Mars, for that matter? Yeah, I know, pictures n stuff are pretty nice to look at, but really, given a choice, I would much rather my wife be able to commute to her workplace, than spend a nice evening gazing at Mare Tranquillitatis.
But here's my plan. Instead of saving a measly 250 million dollars and wrecking the only hope for mass rail transit America might have for the future, how about we withdraw from Iraq, where we are bleeding on an average about 5 billion dollars worth of taxpayer money in a single month? Then, we might actually be able to afford some money for reconstructing our own nation, rather than some other country which really doesn't even want us there.
Or, how about we shelve plans for going to the Moon or Mars, for that matter? Yeah, I know, pictures n stuff are pretty nice to look at, but really, given a choice, I would much rather my wife be able to commute to her workplace, than spend a nice evening gazing at Mare Tranquillitatis.
Two monsters in one month?
So, America, what the fuck is happening, man? Two monstrous sons of bitches in one month? I thought all that the freakin global warming was gonna do to my butt was give it a darker shade of sunburn and some more space for me to drive my bad-ass SUV. No one told me about the $200 billion New Orleans reconstruction bill or the $5.00 gas price. Come on man, what the fuck is all this hurricane BS? Talk to me, buddy.
Ok, lets be fair here. No one knows if what's happening here is due to global warming. What we know as facts are the following :
1.> Hurricanes feast on warm oceanic water , increasing in intensity as the water gets warmer.
2.> Hurricane Katrina occurred when the water of the Mexican Gulf was 2-3 degrees F above average.
3.> The average global oceanic water temperature has increased within the past few years.
4.> Greenhouse gas emission has increased within the past few years.
5.> Greenhouse gases are making the earth, and hence, the ocean warmer.
Now, granted, all this is circumstantial evidence, and it does not mean that greenhouse gases caused the massiveness of Hurricane Katrina or Hurricane Rita. But goddamnit, isn't there enough evidence to at least start thinking about whether all this is correlated? But the problem is, short-sighted conservatives just look at the so-called benefits of global warming, like increased space for human settlements in the Arctic where the ice is receding, warmer climates so you don't have to wear those clumsy unsexy sweaters and easier oil exploration to satisfy your thirst for that black shit. Heck, one group, calling itself (ironically) the Cooler Heads Coalition is even claiming that global warming is oh so hip and cool because it can be used, someday to create life on Mars. Ok, it might just be me but I really fucking don't give a damn about life on Mars as long as my life here on earth is in jeopardy. And I am not in a mood to move to Mars anytime soon, 'cause you know, moving is a bitch and I have already moved far too goddamn often.
So this is what I'm saying conservative motherfuckers. How about you open your eyes just a little bit so I can flash some numbers at you. Since numbers seem to be the only thing your tiny one-dimensional brains seem to be able to handle.
Hurricane Katrina cost : $200 billion
Gas price next week : $5.00 a gallon
Number of major airlines forced into bankruptcy after Katrina : 2
Probability of a recession because of Katrina : 18%. That is, without considering the effects of Hurricane Rita.
Did that wake you up from your oblivious slumber? Did it kinda make you feel less warm n cozy about global warming? If it did, then how about you do something about it? At least try to find out rationally and honestly, using science and common sense, if the south is being ass-fucked because the north keeps shitting carbon dioxide into the atmosphere? Just get the fucking will, won't you? And earn your fucking salary bitches, or I swear, no more lunch money for you.
Oh, and while I am on the subject of gas prices, hey Mainstream Media here's some advice for you. Why don't you shut the fuck up about $5.00 gas prices next week? Stop going around town beating your drum, warning people that next week they are gonna be screwed when they fill their car up. See, all that's gonna achieve is that people will panic today, go to the gas station, fill their cars up, go back home, empty their gas tank into the basement, repeat it till their basements are full of gas, then go back and do it to their parents' basement. And this is gonna drive gas prices up to, hell, maybe even beyond the 5 dollar mark. So you see what you are doing here? You are just making the oil companies richer. Why don't you side with the poor consumer, namely me, for a change and stop speculating? Just take my advice and quit your yapping. Come back after the hurricane has left okay?
Ok, lets be fair here. No one knows if what's happening here is due to global warming. What we know as facts are the following :
1.> Hurricanes feast on warm oceanic water , increasing in intensity as the water gets warmer.
2.> Hurricane Katrina occurred when the water of the Mexican Gulf was 2-3 degrees F above average.
3.> The average global oceanic water temperature has increased within the past few years.
4.> Greenhouse gas emission has increased within the past few years.
5.> Greenhouse gases are making the earth, and hence, the ocean warmer.
Now, granted, all this is circumstantial evidence, and it does not mean that greenhouse gases caused the massiveness of Hurricane Katrina or Hurricane Rita. But goddamnit, isn't there enough evidence to at least start thinking about whether all this is correlated? But the problem is, short-sighted conservatives just look at the so-called benefits of global warming, like increased space for human settlements in the Arctic where the ice is receding, warmer climates so you don't have to wear those clumsy unsexy sweaters and easier oil exploration to satisfy your thirst for that black shit. Heck, one group, calling itself (ironically) the Cooler Heads Coalition is even claiming that global warming is oh so hip and cool because it can be used, someday to create life on Mars. Ok, it might just be me but I really fucking don't give a damn about life on Mars as long as my life here on earth is in jeopardy. And I am not in a mood to move to Mars anytime soon, 'cause you know, moving is a bitch and I have already moved far too goddamn often.
So this is what I'm saying conservative motherfuckers. How about you open your eyes just a little bit so I can flash some numbers at you. Since numbers seem to be the only thing your tiny one-dimensional brains seem to be able to handle.
Hurricane Katrina cost : $200 billion
Gas price next week : $5.00 a gallon
Number of major airlines forced into bankruptcy after Katrina : 2
Probability of a recession because of Katrina : 18%. That is, without considering the effects of Hurricane Rita.
Did that wake you up from your oblivious slumber? Did it kinda make you feel less warm n cozy about global warming? If it did, then how about you do something about it? At least try to find out rationally and honestly, using science and common sense, if the south is being ass-fucked because the north keeps shitting carbon dioxide into the atmosphere? Just get the fucking will, won't you? And earn your fucking salary bitches, or I swear, no more lunch money for you.
Oh, and while I am on the subject of gas prices, hey Mainstream Media here's some advice for you. Why don't you shut the fuck up about $5.00 gas prices next week? Stop going around town beating your drum, warning people that next week they are gonna be screwed when they fill their car up. See, all that's gonna achieve is that people will panic today, go to the gas station, fill their cars up, go back home, empty their gas tank into the basement, repeat it till their basements are full of gas, then go back and do it to their parents' basement. And this is gonna drive gas prices up to, hell, maybe even beyond the 5 dollar mark. So you see what you are doing here? You are just making the oil companies richer. Why don't you side with the poor consumer, namely me, for a change and stop speculating? Just take my advice and quit your yapping. Come back after the hurricane has left okay?
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Political condoms
A rubber company in China has begun marketing condoms under the brand names Clinton and Lewinsky (via Political Wire, via Raw Story).
"The Clinton condom will be the top of our line", said the company spokesman. "The Lewinsky condom is not quite as good."
"We are also developing a George Bush condom for budget conscious consumers, which could mistakenly enter the wrong orifice, and a Michael Brown condom which will prolong your experience by delaying your climax", added the spokesman.
"The Clinton condom will be the top of our line", said the company spokesman. "The Lewinsky condom is not quite as good."
"We are also developing a George Bush condom for budget conscious consumers, which could mistakenly enter the wrong orifice, and a Michael Brown condom which will prolong your experience by delaying your climax", added the spokesman.
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