Thursday, August 25, 2005

A chronology of Pat Robertson's final days as a human being

August 21, Sunday : The sun is shining, birds are twittering, George W Bush is falling off his bike, the world is at peace. Well, at least in the US.

August 22, Monday : Pat Robertson, self professed man of God to a few and self-aggrandizing douchebag to many, says this about Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez, on the 700 club, on television :

"You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war."

August 23, Tuesday : The very foundations of heaven and earth creaking under the weight of this hypocrisy, Pat Robertson's earthly body becomes the site of an epic, eternal battle between the forces of Good and Evil. Evil initially has the upper hand, since, well, it's Pat Robertson we are speaking of.

August 24, Wednesday morning : The forces of Good, having been temporarily defeated and banished to Wolf Blitzer's five week old stubble, plan a retaliatory attack, while Pat Robertson goes on camera, claiming that the Associated Press misinterpreted him and that he never used the word "assassination", but only suggested that "Special Forces take him (Hugo Chavez) out via kidnapping." This blatant mendacity perpetrated by a man of the cloth causes angels in heaven to weep, flowers to wither and die and a plague of locusts to engulf the land. God, who has been watching CNN all day and has personally witnessed Pat Robertson say the very words he is now denying having ever said, takes matters into His own hands. Amassing the armies of heaven, he marches into battle.

August 24, Wednesday noon : Satan, having been notified that God has joined the battle, gathers his minions, takes off his Walmart manager's apron and jumps into the fray, along with his menagerie of devils. Pat Robertson's torso is observed heaving and billowing, the only outward manifestation of the war being fought within his innards.

August 25, Wednesday afternoon : Under the weight of these two collosal opposing forces, Pat Robertson's body explodes, belching forth a screaming, gnashing succubus that had been residing within. Freed from this evil spirit, Pat Robertson's dismembered and bloody carcass issues a press release apologizing for his comments, and says he was out of line.

August 25, Thursday morning : God returns to heaven, Satan goes back to hell, taking Pat Robertson's succubus along with him. Amity and Benevolence return to a tortured earth. The skies open forth, pouring a cleansing deluge, which washes away the residue of evil still lingering in the air. George W Bush continues to fall off his bike. Flowers bloom, crops flourish and Wolf Blitzer decides to take a shave. All is at peace in the world. Except at the ranch in Crawford, Texas. Evil still lurks there.

6 comments:

Anand said...

Brilliant!

(I hope Wolf Blitzer reads this blog, at least the last para of this post).

chappan said...

Gawker
Hillarious. But y drag poor Wolf into this farce. He seems like an OK sod.
Sourin

gawker said...

Hey Anand thanks a lot. I hope he does too I'm tired of his stubble. It's like, when I left India, I escaped from Anil Kapoor but ran into Wolf.

Sourin, I don't much admire anyone on the MSM. Wolf is as bad as anyone else. All he does is ask questions and let people answer without questioning their answer. All he is, is someone holding a microphone for other people to speak into.

Anand said...

Wolf is worse than others, I would say. Content wise all are more or less the same. But then I used to like Aaron Brown or Jeff Greenfield for their style.

Sakshi said...

I just loved reading this post.

gawker said...

Anand : Yeah, I like Aaron Brown. At least he keeps asking questions, doesnt allow people to sidestep or dodge. Wolf basically gives people a free pass to say whatever they want, unchecked.

sakshi : Thankyouplease