Blog plug of the day : Blog Jesus

He is the son of the Creator. He is the Messiah. He gave us the First Coming and he will come and come again. He is the lamb of God, the shepherd of men and he is a foul-mouthed motherfucker who is also a fountainhead of knowledge and wisdom. He is Blog Jesus.

Welcome to the domain of Blog Jesus. He, who is omniscient, omnipotent and omnivorous. He, who will see through the facade of your outer shell, glare at your inner sinful subconscious and steal a peek at your ungodly genitals on the way. He, who is here, there and everywhere, yet at the same time, nowhere to be found. Come unto his arms and he will accompany you to the river of faith and forgiveness.

This king among men will help you answer your questions regarding life, love, lust and the proper way to unstrap a double-ended dildo without injuring your partner in the process. All you have to do is ask. But be respectful. He likes to be respected. On second thoughts, let him have it. Yell at him. Ask him questions you wouldn't ask your mother. He will reply. He will lead you to the universal truth and in the process, you might even come to comprehend the meaning of life. Or you might end up living on the streets of Hoboken, New Jersey, jerking off hobos for crack cocaine. But ultimately, it will all have been worth it. So go on, embrace the love of Blog Jesus. Welcome him into your life. And he will welcome you into his.

Here are some ways he has helped your fellow men.

Gawker asks:

Dear Blog J

Is eating eggs being pro-choice? I laid them myself.

Blog Jesus answers:

Yes, eating eggs is being pro choice. You choose to eventually get high cholestorol and die just so you can eat chicken babies.

Gawker asks:

Dear BJ

If one had a compulsive desire to wear nothing but a loin cloth in public, how would one refrain from repeatedly touching oneself inappropriately?

Blog Jesus answers:

Hire a whore and have her touch you inappropriately instead.

Carol asks:

Dear Jog Blesus,

How can I make my parents realize that Aol instant Messenger will not kill our computer?

Blog Jesus answers:

Ever since your parents saw Yahoo! Messenger kill the cat, I don't think anyone could convince them to trust an IM again.

Housekeeper asks:

Dear Blog Jesus-

Is my priest breaking his vow of celibacy by appearing in my sex dreams?

Blog Jesus answers:

No. He's breaking his vow of celibacy by making you think what you're doing is only a dream.

Lab Boy asks:

Blog Geez,

Last minute... Sorry. One night stands, yay or nay?

In Him,

Lab Boy

Blog Jesus answers:

I prefer two night stands. That way you can have two lamps near your bed and that allows for more reading light.

Sandi asks:

No one likes my new pet :( What can I do to make people understand that spiders won't hurt a person on purpose?

Blog Jesus answers:

Stab them in the chest and explain how that is an intentional act and a spider is incapable of having such thought therefore any biting would be the result of purely mindless activity rather than purposeful.

Nain asks:

Dear Blog Jesus,

Can you find me a nice trophy husband? That's all I really need, but I really don't have time to do that myself...

Blog Jesus answers:

Okay, go eastbound on Washington St. until you hit I-465. Go south on I-465 and exit on Southeastern Ave. Take that until you pass Brad's Show Club. Stop there and work you're normal shift. Then go next door to Arties Trophy Emporium - he's got trophy husbands out the ass.

Pops asks:

Beej,

This Gatorade tastes like hell. Is it because it's bad or is this actually what Hell tastes like? If it is, I'd be surprised, because I always thought "Riptide Rush" was less "Hell" than "sorta grape".

Blog Jesus answers:

No. You just got some bad Gatorade. Hell actually tastes like Dr. Pepper.

Sandi asks:

Will I make any money selling my pictures, or am I just pissing in the wind?

Blog Jesus answers:

The only way you will see a dime is if you sell pictures of you pissing in the wind.

Da Buttah asks:

Hottie Haschem:

Can you improve my orgasms?

Blog Jesus answers:

I have a series of exercises that can improve your orgasms in several easy steps. I will need to see multiple examples of your orgasms in order to determine which exercises will work for best for you. If you want a quick response just post them on the internet, otherwise just send me the tapes.

The Snakehead asks:

People don't believe I'm gay. Why?

Blog Jesus answers:

When you're just a snakehead no one can fucking tell if you're male or female. Get on about grow the rest of your body out to end the speculation.

Sandi asks:

So now that your alter ego is scaling back his ridiculously long blog, does that mean that we will get longer thought out answers to our burning questions?

Blog Jesus answers:

Nope.