Thursday, August 11, 2005

Report attributes no new terror attacks to luck, Americans go on a gambling spree

USA Today in a report entitled "Why suicide attackers haven't hit the US again", identified the possible reasons behind the US not being attacked by terrorists since September 11 2001. Among the reasons given were lack of a team-based terrorist infrastructure based in the US, relative happiness and higher standard of living of Muslims in the US and better protection of America's borders.

However, the single-most important and plausible reason identified by the newspaper as to why there have been no new attacks in the US was "Luck". Americans, on hearing about their incredible good fortune, immediately tried to take advantage of the situation by flocking in droves to casinos in Las Vegas, Atlantic City and other gambling hot spots throughout the nation.

"Hell yeah, I'm on a winning streak here", said Ray Martinez of Knoxville, Tennessee, furiously punching in quarters into an Atlantic City slot machine. "First this "no terror" business, and now I've won like 10 dollars since I started playing. I'll probably keep on playing till my money runs out. Either that or there are more terror attacks, whichever comes first", he concluded.

But curiously enough, most people reportedly did not experience a continuation of their good fortune of the past few years and did not win any money as expected. "I do not understand this", said a despondent Mary Macaulay of South Bend, Indiana. "When we didn't have people flying planes into buildings for 4 years, I thought this was it. After all this misfortune, Lady Luck was finally smiling upon me. But tonight I have lost more than 500 dollars, playing poker. Granted, this is the first time I'm playing this game and I still do not know the rules, but I felt really, really lucky you know", she sniffed tearfully. "Maybe this means that there's going to be an attack soon. I better start buying up duct tape."

Michael Chertoff, the US homeland security secretary, on being informed about the massive gambling tragedy occurring throughout the country, has raised terror alert levels to bright neon red.


Sujatha said...

This has just the flavor of a report on the Jon Stewart Show. I know I shouldn't belive it (or should I?), but there's a feeling at the back of my mind that this just might have happened.

I remember the duct tape episode. I think a few people died of suffocation during that time.

gawker said...

I am a hardcore Jon Stewart fan. In fact that's all I watch on tv apart from Seinfeld. So thanks for the compliment heh.