US blowjobless rate at all time high screams the headline.
The article goes on to say :
"In the wake of a recent drop in the sexual-interest rate, Labor Secretary Elaine Chao announced Tuesday that blowjoblessness in America has reached a record high."
"The historically fluid blowjob market reached its climax in 1996, when millions of wives and girlfriends vigorously stimulated the privates sector."
"'For many of these orally disenfranchised men, a hand-to-mouth existence is but a dream,' Cochran said."
And that is why my friends, you should bow to the mighty Onion.