Friday, August 12, 2005

US refuses to practice Coitus Interruptus with Iraq

President Bush today refused to pull out of Iraq prematurely, citing a religious objection to engaging in the practice of coitus interruptus. Coitus interruptus, also known colloquially as "pulling it out before you come", is a form of contraception practiced by godless liberal sex addicts.

"When you have sexual intercourse with a good Christian lady, or as in this case, with an entire Islamic nation, the Bible specifies that it should only be done with the ultimate aim of procreation", said the president in a press conference. "In this case, it would be sinful to withdraw from the fertile womb of Iraq before a new democratic nation is born."

Pat Robertson, the leader of the Christian Coalition and all-round douchebag, agreed with the president's decision. "The president is following God's way", he said. "It would be wrong for America to fuck Iraq just for the momentary pleasure of an oilgasm. Now that America has violated the sandy desert of Iraq's womanhood, it would be right and proper for America to stay there till baby Iraq is conceived".

President Bush has also magnanimously stated his intent to be around for a few more years till the cherubic middle-eastern nation begins to walk on it's own feet and dig for oil. "Really, I look upon it more as an investment than paying alimony", said Bush to American taxpayers. "Once baby Iraq grows up into a strong young man, he will support America in America's old age".

8 comments:

Veena said...

Are you sure a partial birth abortion is not in the offing in the near future? :)

EB said...

good stuff...you never fail to amuse.

Michael Higgins said...

Hi Gawker
Heh

Saltwater Blues said...

bludy hilarious man!! :)

Charu said...

does Mr. Bush actually whisper these things into your ears?! oilgasm. rotfl.

gawker said...

veena : actually, I think a morning after pill's in order.

eb, michael : thank you, your compliments will follow you in your after life.

saltwater : thank you for stopping by, i have stopped by your site often.i.love.the.blues.

charu : when he's nibbling on my earlobes, some words fall astray.

Sujatha said...

At the expense of repeating myself, what an angle!

gawker said...

sujatha .. thanku thanku