Wednesday, August 17, 2005

US Congress slashes Iraq ticket prices, says soldiers now only need to pay for the fuel.

The US Congress yesterday slashed ticket prices for all soldiers flying to Baghdad to participate in the Iraq war, saying "These brave soldiers should not have to foot their entire travelling bill. From now on, they only pay for the fuel."

This magnanimous gesture of Congress did not go unnoticed by President Bush, who issued a statement saying "For too long have American soldiers paid out of their own pockets for the privilege of representing America in an overseas conflict that might require them to lay down their lives for their country. This will allow these courageous men and women in uniform to save some money for the purpose of purchasing their own armor, which in turn, will make their stay in Iraq safer."

Following this gesture from the US Congress, many American companies have jumped to the rescue of American troops, caught in the Iraqi quagmire. A spokesperson for GM said "For every soldier killed in combat, GM will donate a free Humvee to his division. This will save a lot of time for our infantrymen, who today have to build their own vehicles from discarded spare parts lying around in junkyards." ExxonMobil, the oil conglomerate, in turn, has proposed that the company will provide free fuel for these humvees upto a maximum of 50 miles a day assuming no casualties and increasing it by 10 miles a day for every soldier killed on that day. "For every blood dollar we get, we give 5 cents back", said an Exxon Mobil spokesperson, gravely. "It is the best we can do for our troops. I mean, the least."

In other news, President Bush has increased Barbara and Jenna Bush's daily allowance, citing rising gasoline prices in the country and encouraged all American parents to follow suit.

2 comments:

eb said...

happily, you're a much funnier and better writer than borowitz could ever hope to be. have you ever considered doing standup?

where's my link :p?

gawker said...

What a transparent attempt at getting me to add your link. Well it succeeded.