Monday, May 15, 2006

Phone companies to offer free weekend private minutes

Phone companies are taking note of the public outrage over latest revelations regarding the NSA's domestic phone call monitoring program and trying to diffuse the situation by upgrading service plans to include a limited number of private minutes that can be used by customers during the weekend.

The NSA, which is secretly collecting phone numbers of millions of Americans along with details of calls made from those numbers, has been accused by critics of having violated numerous privacy laws during the process. However, along with the NSA, phone companies appear to be culpable as well for having quietly acquiesced to the NSA's demand for sharing call records that were hitherto pronounced confidential under their policy of disclosure.

However, many phone companies are now trying to limit the PR damage caused by these revelations by upgrading customer calling plans to include 120 free private minutes on weekends. These minutes will go into effect at 5:00 a.m saturday and will end at 7:00 am the very same day, giving customers ample time to carry out top-secret telephonic transactions such as spousal-cheating and crank-calling. Records of calls made during this period will not be submitted to the NSA, instead, being maintained in secret lockup till the furor over the scandal subsides and the NSA is free to surreptitiously violate Americans' civil liberties again.

This calling plan upgrade is available to all US citizens who first have to apply for and pass a background check which will determine if the applicant fulfills all the criteria necessary to be deemed a non-terrorist. In addition, the applicant will also have to provide a list of phone numbers he is planning on calling, and the owners of these numbers will then be checked for any possible ties to the Democratic Party before he is allotted the free private minutes.

On being asked why customer phone call records are being freely supplied to the NSA in spite of the fine print on existing confidentiality agreements stating that customer information will only be given to the government under the duress of court orders or subpoenas, a company spokesperson said, "Well, you need to read the finer print just below the fine print, which states that we can pretty much do whatever we want with that information, including printing it out on flyers and handing it out in Times Square or simply airdropping it throughout the countryside in pamphlet form."

In other news, President Bush, seen here prematurely declaring victory over the pyramid of Kukulkan along with the president of Mexico and the prime minister of Canada, has come up with a brilliant plan to solve the nation's illegal immigration problem. This plan involves sending thousands of National Guard troops to California, Arizona and New Mexico where they will pick fruit and perform any other menial jobs usually assigned to illegal immigrants. In addition, any illegal immigrants caught trying to sneak across the border will be skinned and their hides sent to Iraq to be worn as body armor by coalition troops.

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