Monday, June 05, 2006

Gay marriage amendment blocked : Homosexuality expected to rampage through US Congress

President Bush has warned Americans to get ready for an outbreak of homosexuality to run unfettered through the halls of Congress this fall just before midterm Congressional elections. In a lunch-hour televised address to the nation intended to capture the attention of restaurant-going Americans who would otherwise have changed the channel if they had been sitting at home, President Bush explained that today's blockage of the anti-gay marriage amendment, which is intended to ban and criminalize same sex marriages in the US, would most likely result in hundreds of Congressmen turning gay before the elections in november.

Election years have traditionally seen an increase in homosexual activity among members of the US Congress. Political experts say that this might be due to inordinately long hours of campaigning carried out away from home and family, along with extended periods of time spent in the company of sweaty, sexy campaign advisors. "Put a sexually repressed Republican senator in a brainstorming session with his all-male staff and lock the door", says Lee Waters, a political consultant, "Nine times out of ten, when the room is reopened, it will be a frothing mass of naked arms, legs and 'Support The Troops' boxer shorts".

Hence, every election year, in spite of critics' claims of this being a transparent ploy to rally his Christian Right voter base, President Bush has made it a point to bring up the anti-gay marriage amendment for consideration in the US Congress in order to protect the US Congress from itself. The last time the issue came up was during the presidential election in 2004 when President Bush, deeply disturbed by his growing attraction towards campaign advisor Karl Rove's combover, frantically tried to bring the amendment to a vote in the House of Representatives.

Many members of Congress such as Republican Senator Jim Inhofe of Oklahoma were disappointed by the results of the Senate vote. Sen. Inhofe, who has proclaimed that he's proud to say that in the recorded history of his family, they've never had any kind of homosexual relationship, now says that the failure of the government to protect him from his inner gay cowboy makes it extremely unlikely that he will continue to be a fan of the naked female form by the time America goes out to vote come november.

White House press secretary Tony Snow, who has an adequate understanding of the dangers involved in working closely with handsome young Republicans from his years with the Fox News Network, said that by blocking the anti-gay marriage amendment, the Senate had failed to uphold the civil rights of heterosexual Congressmen. "Without the threat of getting their asses hauled to jail, the nation's lawmakers would have no incentive not to indulge in some hot Congressman-on-Congressman action culminating in homosexual wedlock", said Mr Snow, "thus jeopardizing their civil right not to be gay".

With the anti-gay marriage amendment not expected to be rammed down American throats anytime soon and all other major issues affecting America and the world already resolved, Congress is now expected to turn its attention to another hotly debated matter of extreme urgency, namely, whether there is a need for a constitutional amendment requiring a minimal dress code for America's Barbie dolls.

No comments: