Friday, July 14, 2006

Ann Coulter running out of English language based profanity

Reports suggest that conservative commentator Ann Coulter has hired a team of consultants from Harvard University's Department of Linguistics to help her sift through thousands of dictionaries and thesauruses in order to dig up any words of profanity in the English language she might have missed during her career as a deranged right wing polemicist.

The best-selling author first became aware of her rapidly depleting repertoire of English language based profanity while venting her spleen at the widows of the 9/11 attacks in her new book. Speaking to reporters, Ms Coulter said, "I tried to come up with words to describe these...these..these...bimbos and could only manage 'witches' and 'harpies'. That's when I realized I was in serious....doo doo."

Ms Coulter, in a constant attempt to keep her writing fresh and her hate-mongering free of cliched catch phrases that are typical of most right-wing polemicists, has always strived to come up with newer and more horrifically vulgar phraseology to describe people she doesn't agree with politically. However, the high frequency and verbosity of her outpourings of rage and hate has finally caused Ms. Coulter to reach the limits of English language's abusive potential.

"When I read today that Michael Schiavo was going to be campaigning for a Democratic candidate for the post of Governor of Florida, the blood rushed to my head and I rushed to my computer to write an article", said Ms Coulter. "But I just couldn't come up with anything. The only words I managed to type out were what a bad bad person he was. Michael Schiavo is a very bad evil stupid bad man. God, somebody please help me, I am losing my ability to articulate my hatred in rabidly poisonous format", she sniffed.

Apart from penning a diatribe on Michael Schiavo's evilness, Ms Coulter has a couple of other projects in the works such as her upcoming article berating the community of amoral secular liberal Galapagos island finches who, contrary to the anti-evolutionist claims she makes in her new book, are actually continuing to evolve from large-beaked birds into smaller-beaked birds due to the scarcity of large seeds on the islands.

Keeping in mind the future of her career in mud-slinging and name-calling, Ms Coulter is exploring the potential for incorporating non-English languages into her writing. "My editor tells me that many Indian and Far-Eastern languages are actually treasure troves for profanity-seekers", she explained. "Look forward to a liberal infusion of Hindi and Mandarin-based invective in all my future columns."

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