Thursday, April 26, 2007

Patent application approved, Indian men to have exclusive rights over Indian women

An Indian court has approved the patent application filed by a group of Indian men who were seeking to enforce their rights of exclusive ownership over all Indian women. This patent application was filed by a religiously bipartisan committee comprised of both Hindu and Muslim men after Richard Gere, an actor and American citizen, kissed Shilpa Shetty, an Indian woman, on her cheeks during an AIDS awareness campaign. This flagrant violation of a hitherto unwritten code which states that an Indian woman may only be touched, looked at, spoken to or manhandled exclusively by an Indian man, brought into focus the burning issue of patenting indigenously developed products to preempt their illegal usage by unscrupulous Western corporations or film actors.

This newly approved patent prevents or excludes any male from a country other than India from making, using, selling, offering to sell, importing and most importantly, kissing the product in question, namely, an Indian Woman. Furthermore, each individual patent will have a term of limits beginning at the time of birth of the product and enforceable through her lifetime.

The approval of this patent has allowed the Indian Government to retroactively press patent infringement charges against Mr Richard Gere. Indian men all over the country, incensed with this blatantly illegal behavior, that too, from someone supposedly at the forefront of India's fight against AIDS, protested against the actor by Beating His Burning Effigy With A Stick™, also a recently patented Indian innovation.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

New Rule

Anyone who repeats the line "They (terrorists) hate us for the freedoms we have" will not be allowed to run for president of the USA. (via Sadly, No). Just like someone who thinks 2 plus 2 equals 5 will not be hired as a math teacher.

However, an exception could be made after the candidate reads a history book, any history book will do. Or even a newspaper. Or has a conversation on Middle-Eastern politics with someone who is not affiliated with the Republican party. You know, someone who is reality-based.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Hip Hop Artists to slap "female companions" instead of hos

Hip Hop producer Russell Simmons has requested artists of that genre to henceforth refrain from uttering racially charged and misogynistic words in their music. Following the Don Imus controversy, Simmons took the lead in the African American community in recommending the elimination of words such as "nigger", "bitches" and "hos" from the recording industry, saying that these were extreme curse words, offensive to black men and women.

This call for voluntarily doing away with curse words is expected to result in a number of prominent rap artists modifying their songs and incorporating racially correct and gender sensitive lyrics into their music. For example, Dr Dre will no longer claim that "bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks", instead, referring to the female of the species respectfully as a "woman" while comparing her unfavorably with human excreta. Also, the phrase "putting a nigger on his back", which describes the gunning down of an African American, will henceforth be replaced by "putting a black person on his back".

Mr Simmons said that it was entirely possible for African American hip hop artists to objectify and demean women in their music without having to resort to the usage of politically incorrect terminology in the process. For example, it would be easy for an artist wishing to wax eloquent upon his aversion to fornicating with obese women to do so without titling his song "fat bitch", instead calling it "I like my women well-proportioned". Likewise, a song documenting a rapper's gun fight where he riddles the calf, buttocks, back and skull of his enemy with bullets could remain faithful to its violent theme without including its numerous unnecessary references to the N-word.

In case an artist were to choose to continue using those words in his song, said Mr Simmons, they could either be bleeped out or replaced with silence, while leaving the rest of the sentence and its meaning intact. "Nigger. bitch and ho, these three words were the only things holding back hip hop music from achieving its full potential in this country", said Mr Simmons. "Their expungement will go a long way towards the introduction of gangster culture into America's family-rooms."

Friday, April 20, 2007

Ted Nugent in brief

A brief synopsis of Ted Nugent's pro-gun column today on CNN:

(As translated by the Editor)

I will enumerate a number of instances where people with guns killed people without guns. Then, I will prove to you why the people without guns should have had guns. You remember the movie where everybody pointed a gun at everybody else and no one pulled the trigger? That's what will happen. As long as no one sneezes or blinks or makes any sudden movements, we should be alright.

If a large number of us didn't have guns, the Lord only knows how many more of us would have fallen to gun violence.

At an eighth-grade school dance in Pennsylvania, a boy fatally shot a teacher and wounded two students before the owner of the dance hall brought the killing to a halt with his own gun. Just imagine, if the boy's mother had owned a gun as well his father, then the boy would have been confused as to which gun to take to school, thus averting a tragedy.

We do not ban water, steak knives and ammonium nitrate even though they kill people. Similarly, we shouldn't ban guns because like everything else, they can be misused, their actual use being as a sofa cushion. And while we are on the topic, I would also like to purchase some plutonium please, thank you.

Guns should not be banned because banning guns would make evil people happy and if I see a single evil person happy, it makes me want to blow my brains out. With a gun. Which I should be allowed to purchase freely.

My right to own a gun is God-given. God gave me that right. I know that because he occasionally asks me to use it on people. But I blow him off by telling him I have a dinner engagement. Oh God, he's a naive SOB.

The only people who hate guns *cough* liberals *cough* are those who believe dialing 911 will save your life (it doesn't, it only calls up the phone in your basement). These people would like to see good people dead because it makes them feel good about themselves and these people are fanatics about feeling good.

And finally, the following is added verbatim from the column without editorial comment in the hope that its inherent irony is self-evident.

"Already spineless gun control advocates are squawking like chickens with their tiny-brained heads chopped off, making political hay over this most recent, devastating Virginia Tech massacre, when in fact it is their own forced gun-free zone policy that enabled the unchallenged methodical murder of 32 people."

Bravo, CNN, you have risen to the occasion and given off your best.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

A Clarification (deleted)

Looking back, I agree with Patrix and Bombay Addict that putting up a post to clarify the previous one was kind of a stupid idea on my part. I mean, if I write something and then have to explain what I just wrote, obviously I must not be a very good writer. Since I don't want to think of myself as a bad writer (I quite possibly am, but I don't want to hear that from me), I'll just delete this clarification.

But regardless, you should read this by Falstaff to understand the selective nature of human grief. It's that good.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


There is a massacre at an American university. Many people are killed. These are the routes subsequently followed by various trains of thought after their departure from their respective stations of nationality and ideology.

The American Conservative Train:

Hmm. could it be a terrorist attack? I wonder if the shooter was Muslim. Did the shooter selectively kill only Americans?

They say he was Asian. Well, he could still be Islamic.

So now the shooter was Korean. Do they have Muslims in Korea?

Okay, so the shooter wasn't a Muslim. But I am sure this episode showed the Islamic terrorists how easy it is to kill Americans.

They say the killer was an immigrant student on an F-1 visa. Just like those terrorists on 9/11. Why are we letting these students into our country again?

It's now clear that he was not on an F-1 visa and actually grew up in the US. It still doesn't invalidate the original point that we shouldn't be letting these foreigners into our country.

Hey, how about the Ismail Ax thing on his arm? Maybe we should continue to explore the Muslim angle.

You know, the fundamental problem with this country is that more people do not own guns. If everyone were allowed to shoot everyone else, maybe less innocent people would be killed.

The American Liberal Train :

You know, the fundamental problem with this country is all those guns.

Yes, this is a tragedy. But nothing compared to what's happening in Iraq right now.

I am sure Bush won't waste a minute in running to the scene and giving a speech.

Look look, there he goes.

I wonder if he's gonna somehow find a way to link the shooting with 9/11.

The Indian Train :

Hmm. It happened in a university. A place where there are many Indians. I wonder if any Indians died in the shooting.

They say the shooter was Asian. Could he be.....Indian? I hope not.

It appears that he was on an F1 visa. I bet the anti-immigration lobby seizes this opportunity to badmouth immigration and immigrants.

So he was Korean. Are Americans smart enough to know the difference between India and Korea?

I wonder how that Chinese-looking guy in my gym feels about all this. I wonder if people look at him differently wherever he goes now. God, I am sure glad the shooter wasn't Indian.

I really feel sad for all the Indians who died.

The American Neocon Train:

The Israeli professor who was killed in the shooting, threw himself at the gunman to save his students' lives. On the other hand, the Palestinian student who filmed the killings on camera didn't save any lives and compared the tragedy to the violence in the occupied territories. Just goes to show.

The Chinese Train:

You people like your guns way too much.

The Rest of the World Train:

Basically what the Chinese said. And also, such things would never happen in our country. Hunger, poverty, riots, crime yes. School shootings no.

Nothing quite brings the world together like a tragedy now, does it?

Friday, April 13, 2007

Pope says evolution can only be verified in God's laboratory

Pope Benedict XVI has delivered his first opinions on evolution since he took office by saying that the theory can never ever be proven by humans. The Pope justified the decision to suspend his belief in evolution by saying that the theory would never be successfully tested in a human laboratory because of the physical difficulties involved in populating the laboratory simultaneously with 10,000 generations of humans in order to compare their genetic make-up.

However, the pope also made it clear that if there were anyone who could successfully prove or disprove the theory, it would be God, whose laboratory was much better equipped with unlimited resources and manpower. "It is common knowledge that the Lab of God, high up in the heavens, is said to be a thousand miles in length, a thousand miles in width and a million angel-lengths in height", said the Pope, explaining the infrastructural edge God had over humans in performing evolutionary experiments. "Therefore, to round up and fit ten thousand human generations inside this massive complex would not be an issue for Him at all, which, by the way, is made of pure gold and encrusted with millions of sparkling diamonds."

In addition to unlimited space, God has another advantage over humans, said the Pope. That was His boundless wisdom and patience that would allow him to see an experiment through to its logical conclusion. "It's a well-known and scientifically verifiable fact that God is all-knowing, all-seeing and all-understanding", said the Pope. "Who could possibly do a better job of working with and examining intricate and minuscule pieces of his own work such as DNA strands?"

Furthermore, the presence of gravity-defying winged Angels and Archangels, the existence of which has been thoroughly documented by some guy who lived over a thousand years ago, who could help God in the capacity of laboratory technicians, could also speed up the labor intensive process of obtaining genetic material from thousands of humans for the purpose of comparison. This would allow God to deliver his verdict on the legitimacy of the theory of evolution before Judgment Day, that day in the future, it has been proven beyond reasonable doubt, when every person on Earth will be whisked off the planet, thus rendering this entire debate over evolution meaningless.

"Just like humans should not believe in heaven or hell, unless they've seen those places with their own eyes, it is wrong to place any kind of belief in evolution until it can be successfully verified under controlled conditions", said the Pope in conclusion. "And that is something only the Supreme Deity in the Sky, whose presence has been scientifically verified time and time again, can do."

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Why John McCain is a caricature of himself

Fake News.

Real News.

"McCain said he would have walked through a central Baghdad market without the military protection, but the top U.S. commander in Iraq, Gen. David Petraeus, had recommended the armed escort.

"I'm not notorious for being nervous about going anywhere," said McCain. "I'll gladly go almost anywhere in the world, under any circumstances, but I did respond and do what Gen. Petraeus asked me to do."
John McCain : The only person qualified enough to carry on George W. Bush's comic legacy.

John McCain for President!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Reality Check

I don't think the mob that lynched an ice cream vendor who was caught raping a girl did so because they believed that the justice system wouldn't punish him. They did so because they were sure that the justice system wouldn't punish them.

Karnataka schools to scrap sex education in favor of AIDS treatment classes

Secondary schools in Bangalore are getting ready to add a beginner's course in HIV/AIDS treatment to their syllabus. This new addition will be the Karnataka State Government's latest salvo in the state's fight against the AIDS pandemic.

Initially, the Government had planned to incorporate a course in sex education within school curricula, which would also have informed school children on safe sex practices (via). However, the Minister for Primary and Secondary Education Basavaraj S. Horatti expressed his opposition to this endeavor, saying that educating school children on the correct way to use condoms would only increase their desire to use a condom. "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day", said Mr Horatti. "Teach him how to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. However, if you keep him away from fish altogether, he will stick to eating vegetables", he said adding, "Assuming, of course, that you also lock him inside his own house and prevent him from eating fish in a restaurant."

Mr. Horatti also claimed that teaching secondary school children sex education classes was a selfish ploy by condom manufacturers to abuse AIDS prevention techniques in order to increase their own profits. However, he said, if there is anything that popular Indian culture has taught us, it is that sex and condom usage have no place in it. "Just like condoms would protect our children from exposure to AIDS, so should we be protecting our children from exposure to condoms. Only then would our precious culture be protected from exposure to sex", commented Mr. Horatti.

To deal with the continued increase in the number of HIV cases that is sure to ensue due to a lack of sexual awareness among teens and pre-teens, the Karnataka State Government is adding a mandatory course on HIV / AIDS treatment in its secondary schools. This course will equip Karnataka's schoolchildren with the requisite knowledge for diagnosing the onset of the disease later on in their life and the ability to apply medication for alleviating its symptoms.

"Although the prevention of AIDS falls outside the bounds of decent Indian culture, treatment of the disease does not", said Mr Horatti. "We therefore owe it to our children to ensure that their transition from HIV affliction to a slow certain painful demise is as smooth as possible."

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

John McCain requests US Army to quit following him around in Iraq

Republican Presidential hopeful Senator John McCain has asked US Army commanders in Iraq to quit following him around and leave him alone, sources say. McCain, who recently claimed that Iraq has become safe enough that there “are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through those neighborhoods, today”, was eager to demonstrate his thesis by walking alone around an open-air Baghdad marketplace during his trip to that nation.

However, to his dismay, Sen. McCain found his solitude repeatedly disturbed by the US Army, which insisted on dogging him every step of the way during his leisurely stroll through the streets of Baghdad.

"All I wanted to do was to take a long solitary walk among those trees and burnt out car shells and I can't even do that without a BlackHawk helicopter or an Apache Gunship shadowing me from above", said McCain. "You are not the boss of me, US Army Sharpshooter on that terrace over there, so just leave me alone", he added with a toss of his weatherbeaten head. (via LGM)

Sen. McCain also expressed his disgust with the Army's insistence that he wear a bulletproof vest during his idyllic rambles. "I cannot imagine what these people think they are protecting me from. Bullets? Shrapnel fragments? This is Iraq, not Washington DC, you know", he said, referring to Rep. Steve King (R-IA)'s claim that the average Iraqi civilian was safer than an American in Washington DC. "What if I were to suddenly decide to pick flowers from a grassy meadow or jump into a pond with those Iraqi kids and splash around in a carefree manner to celebrate the safeness of this very safe neighborhood?", inquired McCain of his over-nurturing army tormentors. "How would I be able to do that with this heavy vest restricting my every degree of freedom?"

Commenting on the deserted streets of the neighborhood which a hundred armed US infantrymen had cleared of all Iraqi citizens in anticipation of his arrival, the Senator said, "Look how peaceful it is, not a single suicide bomber or IED in sight. Don't you wish downtown Manhattan were as serene and uncrowded?"

Army commanders, when asked for a response, said, "Our assignment is to make sure we send him back to the US in one piece. But it is turning into a highly difficult task. It's like he wants to get killed. He keeps asking to be let inside suspiciously abandoned vehicles or allowed to open unidentified packages left by the roadside just to prove how safe Iraqi streets really are."

If he were to make it back safe and sound, on his return to the US, Sen. McCain is scheduled to visit numerous American cities and hold meetings with their lawmakers in order to explore the feasibility of making them as safe as, if not safer than those in Iraq.