Headlines

Relief from the agony over high gas prices finally arrived with completion of a high-capacity pipeline between the White House and the Fox News Channel. This pipeline is expected to aid the President in coping with public outrage against rising gas prices in the country by removing all obstructions in the smooth flow of propaganda from production facilities in the White House to consumers all over the country, in the process, bypassing the middleman.

Recognizing the hardship average Americans have had to suffer for the past few weeks due to $3.00 gallon gas prices, senators are lobbying for a bill which proposes that $100 checks be handed over to oil companies on behalf of every taxpayer in the country.

Over in the Middle-East, the Pentagon is planning to cut American troop strength in Iraq by 30,000 within the next few months. These troops will take the shortest route home through neighbouring Iran in order to take in the sights, sounds and machine-gun fire of the country.

Weapons of Mass Destruction were finally spotted in Iraq flying overhead as they made their way from North Korea to Iran (via fark).

Pepsi's new condom-flavored soda bombed in the Indian soft-drink market. The soda-guzzling public expressed unhappiness with the company's perceived intrusion into the government's population control initiative (via RawStory).

And finally, The Heavenly Times reports that our God, the God of Gods and Lord of Lords has informed his tour manager Pope Benedict XVI that He has changed his mind about the use of condoms by his favored species, the humans. In a press conference, God said that after realizing that creating the AIDS virus had been a dumb idea right from the start, He would now be relaxing his rules against contraception in order to allow couples from infecting each other with the disease. God also promised that going forward, He would try not to create any new lifeforms while under the influence of Jack n' coke.