Bush clarifies White House position on Arab hatred

After being bombarded with criticism from both republicans as well as democrats about his administration's decision to entrust the operation of six major American ports to an Arab-owned company, President Bush issued a press statement clarifying his government's official position on xenophobia.

"It is wrong for Americans to be suspicious of all Arabs", said the President. "Most Arabs are harmless law-abiding rich people, merely pawns in America's global geopolitical aspirations. It is only the harmful Arab poor who do not own well-moneyed multinational conglomerates that we need to be worried about", he added.

In a separate statement supporting the port deal, Deputy Defense Secretary Gordon England said, "If the furor over the port deal should go on, it would give enemies of the United States aid and comfort. The only people we should be providing aid and comfort to are the rich billionaires of the Middle East who satisfy all our hydrocarbon needs." (via Atrios)

The president insisted that the American public had misunderstood the White House's position on anti-Arab paranoia. "When I requested Americans to be terrified just in time for the presidential election, I was referring only to a specific Arab demographic they needed to be terrified of", he said. "We are not delivering our ports to Arabs who fly planes into buildings and kill Americans. We are giving them to Arabs who own planes and kill other Arabs. It is necessary for Americans to recognize that distinction and be responsibly xenophobic, otherwise it might send all the wrong signals to the Muslim world", he continued.

American Arabs, many of whom fled the dictatorships in their respective countries in order to settle in the Land of the Free, rallied to the defence of Dubai Ports World, a company owned by one of the very same dictatorships. "If the president chooses to award a multibillion dollar no-bid contract to one of his cronies, we would prefer that the crony be an Arab company rather than one from Texas", said a spokesman.

In unrelated news, Apple Itunes reached a landmark billion downloads, thus allowing Apple CEO Steve Jobs to finally save up enough money to buy that hot black video IPod he had always wanted.