Todays Headlines

Fundamentalist Islam on the rise in the Netherworld

Recent reports filtering in from the other side of the Curtain of Death suggest that fundamentalist Islam has begun to take root and propagate in the Netherworld. The Netherworld, also known as the World of the Hereafter, or "Olam Haba" in Jewish eschatology, which uptil now used to be a community of peaceful souls united in their collective demise, has lately begun to display a steady rise in the virulent brand of Islamic fundamentalism usually observed on this side of the Curtain. Analysts pinpoint the cause of this phenomenon on the huge increase in the number of successful suicide bombings that have lately been occurring in Afghanistan and Iraq.

The architects of those bombings, after departing from the material world and entering the afterlife, are often bewildered and disappointed by the lack of any reward or appreciation they were expecting to receive for their efforts in combating the evil of western civilization during their lifetimes. So oftentimes, the realization that the promised reward was, in fact, just a myth perpetuated by the bearded guardians of the Koran from the world of the living, often led to a disillusionment of those youth with mainstream nethersociety, thus causing them to revert back to militancy even after death.

President Ronald Reagan, leader of the Netherworld has acknowledged the seriousness of the situation and urged Islamic leaders of the Material World to resist from giving their hot-headed followers a false promise of post-mortem benevolence in return for blowing themselves up in the cause of religion.

Lawsuit claims Ipods cause temporary hearing loss during use

A Louisiana man has claimed in a lawsuit against Apple Computer, the maker of the Ipod, that the MP3 player frequently causes temporary hearing loss during its use. John Kiel Patterson, a resident of Baton Rouge, Louisiana, in a complaint, has stated that each time he turns on his Ipod in order to enjoy some music, it causes serious injury to his ears that manifests itself in the form of a partial deafness to his surroundings, during which he is unable to make out what other people are saying to him.

In order to demonstrate this to the court, Mr Patterson plugged his earphones into his ear and after turning the player on, yelled at his attorney to ask him a question. When his attorney obliged by asking Mr Patterson if he could sleep with his wife, he shook his head to signify that he had not heard the question, thus proving that the player had temporarily destroyed his hearing.

At the time this article went to press, the jury was still out on the verdict.

Indian Clerics urge Muslim women to undergo sex-change operations

Clerics from the All India Muslim Personal Law Board have ordered all Muslim women in India to undergo a sex-change operation once they have fulfilled their duties of womanhood (via RawStory). This command came in the wake of many young Muslim women discarding the traditional Hijab in favor of Western dresses, which they then proceeded to shamefully flaunt in public shopping malls, where members of the opposite sex could get an eyeful unfettered.

After realizing that mere polite requests to these renegade women to quit these unislamic activities weren't bearing fruit, the board of clerics decided to take this radical step and defeminize all muslim women once they have fulfilled their earthly obligations and delivered their litter of progeny. This would prevent their bewitchingly evil femininity turning into a heavy burden of sin to be borne on the frail shoulders of these elderly clerics.

The sex-change operation would have numerous benefits for Muslim women. After their sexual transformation, women would be able to live their lives as productive members of society, which their old gender would otherwise have not permitted them to. However, the board has specified that after the operation, the newly transformed man would be forbidden to view pictures of his old female self in order to prevent sinful thoughts from entering his mind.