US researchers have found that there exists a certain kind of virus that causes obesity in humans (via RawStory). This discovery is bound to turn into a cause of celebration amongst the fat people of America who have long since been desirous of moving away from "slow metabolism", since it is a justfication for obesity which is not easily explainable to the skeptical layperson.
This new virus has been found to originate in certain species of cows, pigs, chickens and other livestock, where it causes obesity in those animals and then, is later transmitted to humans through their meat, usually in the form of burger patties, bacon or KFC happy meals. Once the virus finds itself inside the human body, it can multiply rapidly, excreting huge quantities of oily substance, or fat, in the victim's abdomenal and buttockal area. In fact the effect of the virus is so instantanous that human subjects fed on a weeklong diet consisting exclusively of Burger King Double Whopper burgers immediately gained five pounds due to the virus.
Although a cure for this virus has yet to be discovered, scientists have noticed that its disastrous effects on the human body can be reduced by subjecting the body to a vigorous oscillation similar to that achieved while running or lifting free weights. Scientists have also found that this virus appears to lose its potency on being exposed to chlorophyll, a chemical found in various kinds of vegetables and leafy greens, so consumption of those food items is encouraged in case of an infection.
Even as the FDA continues to study the behavior of the virus and the oily substance it apparently secretes into the human body, it has banned the consumption of all beef, pork and chicken products in the US in an attempt to halt the spread of this epidemic.