News in brief

President requests John Kerry to fax remainder of policy document

After borrowing bits and pieces from the Democratic policy document and putting them forth in his State of the Union address, President Bush has overcome his initial shyness and requested Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry to fax over the complete document containing all his policies because "he hadn't realized that stuff was so darn good".

While campaigning during the 2004 election, the president pooh-poohed most of Mr Kerry's proposed initiatives and put forward his own vision for the presidency that was in stark contrast to the one painted by his opponent. However, barely a year after the election, Mr Bush has discreetly begun to implement all the policies that would have been carried out with a democratic president in office, such as a reduced dependence on foreign oil, a withdrawal of troops from Iraq and a plan to allow Iran to harness civilian nuclear power.

Democrats have agreed to fax all 450 pages of their policy document over to the White House and asked the White House to fax its own policy document in return because, "If the Republicans are for conserving oil and withdrawing troops from Iraq, then we, as Democrats, are obligated to be pro-oil consumption and pro-war."

Muslims lash out against caricatures by subjecting themselves to more caricature

Muslims all over France lashed out against the depiction of the Prophet Mohammed in a newspaper cartoon as a turban-bomb wearing pirate with a sword. Their method of lashing out, however, which involved running around wearing turbans with swords in hand, threatening to set off bombs, turned out to be an unfortunate choice since it subjected them to even more graphic caricaturing.

Angered by the newspaper drawings, Palestinian gunmen wearing masks jumped over the wall of a European Union office in Gaza and demanded an apology from the officials within. After an apology was given, however, the next day's paper depicted the Prophet Mohammed wearing a mask and holding a gun instead of a sword.

Bush Aide clarifies that oil conservation call doesn't apply to consumption of grease

One day after President Bush encouraged Americans to conserve oil during his State of the Union address, Republican congressmen began showing signs of displeasure at the president's call. Many senators and House Republicans such as Tom DeLay (R-TX) and Bill Frist (R-TN) asked the president to clarify whether restrictions on oil consumption would also be applicable to the give and take of political grease. To which The national economics advisor, in a press statement, announced that they would not (via WTF). "Grease is an important component of government machinery. If consumption of grease were to reduce, the country would go into a deep freeze, with all economic activity coming to a virtual standstill."