White House Katrina report blames evaporation for massive casualties
The White House report investigating the underlying reasons behind the huge casualty figure due to Hurricane Katrina was released yesterday. The report, which absolves the President of any blame in his handling of the hurricane aftermath, points to the widespread occurrence of evaporation in the Atlantic Ocean as being the culprit most responsible for the hurricane casualties.
Speaking to reporters, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, "Ordinarily, the first reaction to such a tragedy would have been to blame the hurricane itself for all the destruction and loss of life. However, after careful investigation carried out by a committee consisting of me, the First Lady and her personal make-up assistant, it has been concluded that the hurricane was actually a byproduct of the rampant conversion of seawater into water vapor that occurred above the Atlantic Ocean."
Scott McClellan made it clear that he was not prepared to make the science of Physics the only scapegoat. "Apart from evaporation, we have also identified a number of other minor causes behind the tragedy, such as the sun, the rotation of the earth and finally, the environmentalists who keep harping on solar energy as an alternative to fossil fuels, but refuse to acknowledge the presence of a darker side to its implementation, which includes the creation of deadly storms."
The report gave the President high marks on his handling of the crisis. Chief investigator and First Lady Laura Bush, was especially complimentary of the president's success in keeping the country from panicking by staying calm and detached from reality. "A lesser man would have succumbed to the intense pressure and immediately made his way to the Gulf coast to examine the destruction with his own eyes", said Mrs Bush, praising her husband's post-Katrina unruffled demeanour. "Fortunately, my husband is made of sterner stuff. He made it a point to attend numerous insignificant publicity events throughout the country before finally making his way to Louisiana after a full 4 days of staying calm."
Some reporters questioned Mr McClellan regarding the conflict of interest involved in the White House investigating its own incompetence. He however denied the charge. "We have also hired ex-First Lady Mrs Barbara Bush as a consultant to aid us in this investigation", he said. "Mrs Bush has always been extremely impartial while raising the president and his brother Jeb Bush throughout their childhood, bestowing no special treatment upon either of the siblings. I am sure she can be trusted to maintain her impartiality during these proceedings as well."
Karl Rove : 9/11 saved America from a future terrorist attack
Karl Rove, the White House advisor, today raised many eyebrows in political circles when he claimed that the 9/11 attacks probably saved many more lives in the long run by preventing future terror attacks.
"Due to the prolonged absence of wars, Americans had become soft and lethargic, becoming less vigilant towards the rest of the world, which led to terrorists exploiting the situation and killing 3000 Americans", said Mr Rove to reporters as he walked out of a republican convention where he had just raped puppies to much applause. "9/11 was a positive development. This attack on American soil resulted in an increase in American opposition to being killed, thus avoiding more terror attacks in the future which might have killed even more Americans."
Mr Rove further stated that the primary goal of the White House behind ignoring all the pre-9/11 memos given by the CIA that warned of impending attacks had always been to wake Americans up to the danger of terrorism by allowing a terrorist attack on American soil. "9/11 changed the world", he said. "It converted millions of bleeding heart American pacifists into bloodthirsty warmongerers. That proves that the terror attack was a complete success."