Friday, December 16, 2005

Cheating spouses relieved to know it was just the government monitoring them

Thousands of philandering spouses and lovers who were indulging in illicit affairs heaved a collective sigh of relief today on news that the entity monitoring their cellphone conversations and emails was not their husband or wife, but the US government. The New York Times today revealed that the National Security Agency, or as it is more commonly known, "The ***", was ordered by President Bush in 2002 to eavesdrop without warrants on people residing in the United States.

While this news resulted in a bitter backlash amongst much of the citizenry, which didn't take too kindly to the president illegally authorizing a government agency to surreptitiously tune into their private conversations, it was a cause of much celebration within the community of marital infidels. One such community member who gave his name as Mr John Doe said, "All those strange clicks and occasional buzzings in my cellphone were giving me nightmares. I was afraid it might be my wife spying on me. But it's great to know that it was just a top-secret government agency violating my civil rights. Hoo boy, it's a huge freakin' weight off my mind."

Republican congressman Dana Rohrabacher defended Bush's order, which has reportedly broken new ground in presidential malfeasance. "After conducting an informal White House poll, we came to a conclusion that after 9/11, wiretapping our fellow citizens would definitely be more voter-friendly than herding them all into internment camps", said Mr Rohrabacher. "I really do not know what the big deal is", he added, before letting the reporter interviewing him put his clothes back on, which he had been ordered to remove in order to check for secretly placed recording devices.

The president, when asked for a comment, explained that his seemingly illegal authorization of civilian wiretaps wasn't really illegal due to the fact that he had beforehand signed into law, without going through Congressional red tape, a bill that would allow him to do so.

In related news, a side effect of these revelations has been a sudden spurt in the president's approval ratings among lyin' cheatin' bastards who thanked the dear Lord God and continued to lie, cheat and be bastards.

No comments: