Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Robert Novak leaves CNN for Fox News, citing aversion to light

In a move that should surprise no one in the mainstream media, Robert Novak, a conservative CNN commentator, has decided to leave CNN and join it's rival Fox News Network. Novak, who has had several honorary titles conferred upon him during his long illustrious career in the media, such as "The Prince of Darkness" and "The Douchebag of Liberty", the latter by Jon Stewart of the Daily Show, has cited aversion to light as being one of the reasons he is leaving CNN.

"Light is bad for my complexion", said Mr Novak, in an interview. "It causes my skin to boil and vaporize. Sunlight can even cause my head to burst open." In addition to CNN's well-lighted studios, Mr Novak has reportedly also been uneasy with his "Crossfire" co-anchor, Paul Begala's amulet which contains a dangling Christian cross. In addition, Mr Novak has expressed his displeasure with CNN's cafetaria which, on numerous occasions, has refused to serve him raw beef, citing health concerns.

However, not all of his complaints with CNN were related to his work environment. "My career in CNN wasn't really allowing me to spread my wings, so to speak", remarked Mr Novak. "Professionally, it felt like I was being confined inside a coffin, figuratively speaking."

Mr Novak has been welcomed into the Fox News family by veterans like Bill O' Reilly, Sean Hannity and Brit Hume. In a press conference conducted in near total darkness and illuminated only by the bloodshot eyes of the triumvirate, the three Fox News anchors hissed their welcomes, saying that Mr Novak would be sure to fit into their community as perfectly as a fang inside a neck wound and expressed the hope that he would have a bloody good time during his sojourn within that establishment.

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