Wednesday, January 18, 2006

CNN hires douchebag to reel in Fox News viewers

CNN has announced its intention to hire Glenn Beck, a conservative radio talk-show host, and give him a prime-time show on its Headline News channel. Glenn Beck, who is a douchebag of much repute, will now offer television news aficionados who are in a mood for some old-fashioned douchebaggery, a wider choice in this genre, which up to now, had been monopolized by the Fox News Network.

CNN, which is sagging in ratings as compared to its rival Fox News, is expected to reel in a number of Fox News viewers with this move that makes a significant addition to their repertoire. Mr Beck, whose resume includes a number of projects he can point to with pride that showcase his multifaceted douchebagging abilities, such as that instant when he referred to hurricane Katrina survivors as scumbags, or his statement when he said "It took me a year to hate 9/11 families", or that graphic moment on his radio show when he fantasized about killing Michael Moore using the technique of strangulation, will be a worthy addition to CNN's hitherto motley crew of amateurish douchebags such as Howard Kurtz and Wolf Blitzer.

Fox News, which has had a tremendous headstart in making douchebaggery an intrinsic part of mainstream media by featuring on its news channel a number of professionals in the field such as Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and John Gibson, is expected to respond immediately to this move by CNN and shore up it's talent by hiring more douchebags. Skinny blonde bitch Ann Coulter, who once proclaimed that the US should invade all Islamic nations, kill all their leaders and convert everyone to Christianity, is expected to be a frontrunner with insane bug-eyed blogger Michelle Malkin, who is in favor of racial profiling and internment, following closely on her heels.

In unrelated news, thousands of Muslim couples in various states of partial undress waited with bated breath as scholars of Islam pondered and debated over the quintessential question of whether full frontal nudity is acceptable during marital sex. (via RawStory)

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