Evil Old Google

So all right-thinking right-leaning conservative patriots in the US are livid in their anger against evil Google. Fuck, they say, evil Google is letting us down in our fight against communism and censorship. Google, they say, screwed up by surrendering to China's demands for it to censor its search results that China's leaders believed might be critical of its government.

And the right-wing has risen to the challenge. We will not stand for this, they thundered. A US company, censoring itself for what...mere dollars? Mere market share? Sheesh, they said, this is just plain wrong and unamerican. Some even went so far as to proclaim that they would be uninstalling Google Adsense from their website in protest. I commend these fine gentlemen. Bravo, I say. Now there's just one more thing you need to do.

You gotta turn off your Fox News. Yeah, you heard me, turn it off and don't tell me it ain't on, 'cause I know it is. Why, you ask? Here's why. You know Rupert Murdoch, the owner of News Corporation, which the Fox News Network is a part of? A long time ago in a land far far away called Australia, a young media moghul called Rupert Murdoch was broadcasting his satellite channels into communist China. All kinds of channels including Star TV, MTV, even BBC. Now BBC, even though you might think is a communist / socialist news channel, is not really that. In fact, the Chinese government was so mad with its coverage of human rights abuse in China that it threatened to disallow Rupert from broadcasting any of his channels into China if he didn't take it off the air. Now you might think, hell our Rupert would have done the right thing and given the Chinese government the finger, yeah?

Hell no. Young Rupert rolled over, bent backward and spread his legs, all in a single mellifluous move. Fuck the BBC, he said, I never liked Fawlty Towers anyways, he said. I'm removing it from my lineup. Please pretty please, can I come back now, he pleaded. And the Chinese government took him back into its fold. They held a welcoming banquet for him in Tiananmen Square. They all lived happily ever after. And finally, in 2001, after the BBC gave China a categorical assurance that it would never, I mean never ever again use the phrase "human rights abuse" in its newscasts, it too the BBC was allowed back into the country, but only in hotels and foreign-owned enclaves.

So see, my young right-wing friends, if you are really serious about being anti-Google, you gotta be anti-Fox News as well. Write to your cable provider to stop broadcasting it to you. Write to Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity that your patriotism no longer allows you the moral authority to enjoy their douchebaggery on the same network that has Chinese jizz on its face. And then and only then will you be entitled to squat naked on your front porch, waving the star spangled banner as you mutter obscenities at that treasonous search engine called Google which is giving aid and comfort to those red commie bastards.