US to air-drop camera crew and equipment in Northwestern Pakistan

Frustrated with the poor quality, graininess and general amateurishness of Osama Bin Laden's terror-attack-threatening-videos, the US has announced its intention to provide the terrorist leader with all the hardware and technology he needs to do a better job of producing his videos in the future. Towards that end, US Air Force C-17 transport planes began to airlift state-of-the-art video and audio recording equipment to be dropped into the badlands of Northwestern Pakistan where Mr Bin Laden is supposed to be staying. This military exercize will hopefully result in better production values for Mr Bin Laden's next video as well as positive identification of the video as having originated from the man himself.

Each time Mr Bin Laden releases a video of him informing the infidel dogs of the Western world of his bloodthirsty intentions, CIA and anti-terrorism experts are hampered by the fact that the video and audio quality of the recording is so poor as to cast into doubt the authenticity of the tape itself. This results in uncertainty in the minds of the video-viewing public whether there is really a need for them to spontaneously defecate in their collective shorts at that very moment or to adopt a wait-and watch attitude till the matter is resolved. Since this resulting delay compromises both the ability of the terrorist to incite fear into the hearts and minds of his intended subjects, as well as his subjects' abilities to get terrified, it was mutually decided through a hasty text messaging conversation between President Bush and Osama Bin Laden that the US would soon be providing the terrorist with modern motion picture recording technology and equipment in order to smoothen the give and take of terror-inspiring video footage.

The president, in an uncharacteristic burst of goodwill, also offered to air-drop a camera crew, which would be headed by Hollywood film producer and strident Bush critic Michael Moore into Pakistan along with the recording equipment in order to aid Mr Bin Laden in producing his videos. However, this generous offer was rejected after Mr Bin Laden was informed that Mr Moore would be providing his own background commentary for the video, as well as featuring himself in a cameo role.