Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Why God doesn't care who you bang

Lately, as the material world has been passing through a phase of turbulence, people have been turning to the spiritual world for solace. They have been looking into their scriptures, their holy books and asking of their religious leaders "Why oh why is this happening to us. What have we been doing wrong? Why is God miffed at us?" And the scriptures and the haloed leaders, all have replied with a unified voice (curiously enough, probably the only topic they all have a unified voice on) that the reason God has been raining unpleasantness on mankind and society lately, is because mankind and society have been indulging in too much wanton sex.

Yes, the aggregation of copulative acts mankind has been indulging in, collectively and colloquially known as "banging", with their variegated sub-classes like homosexuality and adultery have authoritatively been stated to be the cause of terrorism, as well as every other ill that has befallen mankind in recent times. In the words of these spiritual leaders, God is very fussy about sex. God wants you to practice sex sparingly, and only in case of emergencies. Since sex is and always has been a widely consummated (as we now know, satanic) ritual among (as we now know, misguided) humans, it might be informative to actually verify whether God really does care about the sexual habits of his children. Namely, us.

The core question, which I would like to phrase poetically as "Does God care who you bang?" actually consists of two separate questions, namely 1.> Is there a God? and 2.> Does He care who you fornicate with. For one to reach the conclusion "Yes, society having indiscriminate sex has contributed to it's downfall", both these questions need to have an affirmative answer. Even a single one of those questions, if negative, would entirely refute the above conclusion.

Now, for the purpose of argument, in the spirit of scientific inquiry, let us convert this problem from a multiparameter to a uniparameter problem by assuming there is a God. Let us assume that all of existence is a direct result of Divine intervention, either God having directly created everything, or having bought it for really great savings at Walmart. So now the only question we need apply ourselves to is whether He cares.

There are billions of galaxies in the universe. Every galaxy has billions of stars. Out of these, possibly millions of stars might have the ability to sustain life. Contrary to the popular perception, sustaining life is not as difficult as it might seem. There exist microbes and various unicellular organisms that live at extremely low temperatures and hibernate at extremely high temperatures even on earth. So, it is quite possible that unicellular, bacterial, and hence, evolving from that, intelligent life might be existing on other planets, which, even though might not have climates suitable for humans, would still sustain life in some form. Hence, now, we have possibly a large number of planets in the universe that might be capable of sustaining life. And, we have this single entity God, who is responsible for overseeing and keeping a watchful eye on all these universal living organisms I will henceforth call "people".

Now watching over all these people, making a list of their activities and tabulating their good and evil deeds separately must be a monumental task. I am guessing God won't be carrying out this task himself, but probably through some kind of v-chip (yet to be discovered), residing in our brains which transmits a log of our thoughts and actions either telepathically or through some kind of electro-cerebro-magnetic pulses onto a Divine register. But even if that were so, it would require a lot of Godpower to go through this list and appropriately tab up good and evil for every person, assigning good-evil weightage points to each organismic deed depending on the relative evilness or goodness of the deed on the Divine scale. Then again, for every religious sect, the grading curve would have to be different. For Born-again Christians, care would have to be taken to erase all their past sins and re-tabulate everything from scratch beginning from the day of their acceptance of the Lord Jesus as their personal savior. Buddhists would have to be given extra "God Points" for their vegetarianism, Mormons would have to relinquish some God Points for being able to have multiple wives, which would immediately be restored back to them from the "Sympathy Point Reserve" for the same reason.

One cannot begin to imagine the enormity of this task. To get a better idea of how God would handle this, one would have to put oneself in God's shoes (assuming He does not walk barefoot), after having given oneself the very desirable powers of invisibility, flight and the power to disrobe with a single blink of one's eye, one would come to the conclusion that all this horsecrap with all the tabulating and grading and writing a gazillion letters of recommendation to the ultimate destinations of all these souls would leave one with no time left to enjoy one's Divine powers. The bigger problem is, this job would last an eternity with no respite. Heck, people keep performing good deeds and sinning and dying every goddamned second. It's not like one would be able to take a break or something, because backlogs would keep piling up. Gazillions of people would keep dying and have to wait in line to be assigned to heaven, hell or New Jersey. The lines of people waiting for service would stretch for millions of miles, and people would, in general, not be too happy with their Creator.

So, if I were God, in order to make my task lighter in order to leave myself some time for recreation (hey whats the use of being God if you can't have some fun) I would probably simplify my task. Create a basic list of sins, you know the really really bad ones like say murder, genocide, rape, pillage, doing the Macarena, pedophilia, vampirism, voting for Bush, you know that kind of thing. I would probably ignore anything to do with consensual sex. 'Cause the only thing people engage in more frequently than killing others or getting killed is getting it on. There's just no reasonable way an average God could keep tabs on all this sexual activity. So, it follows that I would pretty much let people do whatever they want in this area. Homosexuality, extramarital sex (always a favorite), intramarital sex (a rarity), bestiality (used to be rare but increasing in George Bush's America), heck even if people feel like pleasuring themselves, Godspeed to them, I would say.

Because being God is a lot of hard work and there is just no time for God to care who you bang.


Charu said...

bang on, gawker :))
doing the macarena, voting for bush! priceless...
but yes, sadly, anything to prove a point - havent read our links yet but the name godhatesfags.com says it all

Eswaran B said...

Hilarious post gawker! But logically incorrect :)

If God were a little bit intelligent She would have designed a smartcard in the brain (called soul?) that would store all of the actions that people do. And on Judgement Day, She will take decisions based on the information stored in it. Now, if only we find out how to hack that storage :)

Ash said...


Excellent logic, my friend !
Hats off :)

GratisGab said...

Nice reasoning :)

Yes, seems to me He hasn't the time for the bigger stuff sometimes, what's a little banging?

Charu said...

g, I pointed out this post to desipundit :)

gawker said...

Disclaimer to all : The article is just a raw theory. Feel free to add your own corrections / additions / polishing to it. In case your theory gets published, please make sure some percentage of your monetary windfall (if any) falls into my barren coffers. Thank you.

Charu: Hey thanks for the reco.. appreciate it

Shivaji said...

Ladies and Gentleman,,,

Please remember God is single and has been single always...
Please have pity on him when he watches so many people having sex every now and then...
Please understand his psychology...
Oh no, not a fatwa for me again