Monday, September 19, 2005

Country deeply divided over Vice President's reconstruction

A new study suggests that America might be deeply divided over the reconstruction of vice president Dick Cheney's body. Cheney, who has already suffered 4 heart attacks and has undergone a quadruple bypass surgery, is scheduled to be operated on to treat an aneurysm of an artery behind the knee. Doctors say the surgery will be long drawn out and will be at a considerable expense to taxpayers.

Conservative critics of the administration disagree on whether the reconstruction of the vice president is worth the immense time, effort and expense involved. "Vice presidents aren't forever", said Joel Garreau of the Washington Post (via Patrix). "The man is already a walking zombie. His body is a cesspool of toxic chemicals, and even if the sludge in his circulation system is cleaned up, it is debatable whether his body will be hospitable enough to harbor his everlasting soul."

Other Republicans agree with Garreau's analysis. Jonah Goldberg, of National Review, questioned the legitimacy of imposing the bill for Cheney's rebuilding on American taxpayers. "Lots of readers ask why national taxpayers should be asked to foot the bill for the reconstruction. Instead, I submit to you a proposal for relocating the vice presidential executive duties and responsibilities to an alternative flesh receptacle.", he said in an online column.

Democrats, however, are all for restoring the vice president's visage to it's former splendor and glory. "The vice president's mortal remains are a historical landmark of this great nation. The ravages and disease that his body has been through are a symbol of what the country itself is going through right now. So, in order to give the country hope for the future, it is necessary to stitch together what remains of Dick Cheney's flesh and save it from decrepitude.", said Howard Dean, the chairman of the Democratic Party.

On being asked for his views regarding the detoxification and clean-up of the vice president, President Bush has commented that "We will do for Dick Cheney's body what we did to Iraq. We will succeed eventually, no matter how viciously we have to tear his body apart in the process." The vice president, on learning of this view of the president, has voluntarily chosen to be euthanised.

In other news, President George Bush, on learning of his nephew's arrest for driving under the influence of alcohol, has issued a congratulatory statement saying "Welcome to the family."

3 comments:

arZan said...

awesome.....as always.

I was missing your posts the last few days. Seems u went on the big vacation you always wanted to go to at Crawford TX.

gawker said...

I got 4 words for you my man

Eagles 42, Niners 3

Patrix said...

Now Cheney I wouldn't recommend rebuilding. No matter whoever you get next, it cannot be more evil