Friday, September 30, 2005

Fun with television

Here's something funny. Hurricane Rita was dominating the news, CNN had a reporter in the field, Aaron Brown of Newsnight was talking to him. The reporter said something to the effect that, "Compared to Hurricane Andrew and Hurricane Dennis, that made landfall here, Hurricane ..... this hurricane ....blah blah blah." It was obvious that the reporter had forgotten the name of the hurricane he was supposed to be covering. Long live journalism!

Speaking of Godcrazy religious nutsacks, Pat Robertson of the 700 Club (see here and here) , was speaking about the need for conservative judges on the US Supreme court. He said, "See these .. these judges, they are just pulling these decisions out of their ..... um... out of thin air." You know, Pat, we know you are human. You can say "ass". I don't think it's any worse than calling for someone's assassination on the air. Assassination, by the way, contains two asses.

And what the fuck is with Toyota's new marketing slogan "Choose any direction as long as it's moving you forward". That does not mean anything. That statement is entirely devoid of any meaning whatsoever. It's like saying "Shit anywhere as long as you are sitting on the toilet bowl." It's just a bunch of words strung together to sound cool. Fuck you Toyota, we are not idiots.

And then there are these damn freaky outright creepy commercials. Cingular Wireless has this ad, where a dad goes around yelling at his family, the members of which are engaged in a bunch of shady things, who get freaked out when dad starts yelling at them. But soon they realize he is merely yelling at them for spending too many wireless minutes, and not to express disapproval at the particular psychotic activity they are engaging in. So this dad goes into his son's bedroom, where he is wearing a woman's dress and painting his lips, looking a lot like the deranged killer in "Silence of the Lambs". The son is vastly relieved when he realizes his dad's just mad at him for talking too much on the cellphone, and not at his cross dressing. We, on the other hand, are terrified and are shitting our collective pants.

Fedex or UPS or something, one of those courier services has another creepy ad. A bunch of chimney sweepers are shooting the breeze, and oddly enough, everytime either of them says anything, black soot is expelled from his mouth. We can only imagine the black tarry state these guys' lungs would be in. Watching this ad made my chest feel heavy and made me regret every single cigarette I have smoked in my entire life. In fact, before the product is mentioned, it would be quite easy to mistake this ad to be one encouraging people to quit smoking.

And fuck it Coors Light beer, how many times do I have to tell you that just because you transport your beer in refrigerated trucks, that does not mean it tastes colder than other beers? It seems like beer manufacturers have a seriously low opinion of their customers' IQ. Take for instance, Bud Light. A couple is house-hunting. The house they are currently looking at is so crappy that they can't wait to get the hell out of there. But their agent tells them they haven't seen the best part about the house yet, and he takes them into the backyard. Lo and behold, a beer tree bearing Bud Light fruit. The husband wets his pants in a paroxysm of ecstasy and buys the house right away. But my question is this. Isn't it obvious to anyone but an absolute idiot that the Bud Light tree is just a scam? 'Cause for a tree to bear beer fruit it's pretty obvious you would have to beer it instead of watering it. What is the fucking point of the tree then?

And finally, Snickers commercials. Man oh man, these pieces of art are just plumbing the increasingly abysmal depths of retardedness. An apartment is on fire, the resident panics, breaks the glass panel that says "Break in case of Fire". Inside is a Snickers bar, which he picks up and throws at the flames. Then, correctly observing that the chocolate bar does nothing to alleviate the flames, runs out screaming. Voiceover : "It is only satisfying when you eat it". You know what, I find it hard to believe such a retard could be resourceful enough to break the glass panel in the first place.

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