Thursday, September 29, 2005

US Congress declares Americans an endangered species

The US Congress is getting ready to overhaul the "Endangered Species Act", which was passed in the 1970s to halt or reverse the degradation of the environment. The act was designed to protect critically imperiled species from extinction due to "the consequences of economic growth and development untempered by adequate concern and conservation."

Today Congress, correctly determining that Americans, also known as the species Homo Americanus, are facing almost certain extinction from terrorism, floods, disease and other natural threats, has concluded that they need to be placed under special protection. Under this new Act, Americans will enjoy numerous privileges not afforded to other unprotected species of wildlife.

The new updated Act requires that Americans be granted "critical habitats" within the ecosystem , also known as "strip malls" and "housing development projects", which encompass all areas necessary for the recovery of the species. This law will be especially valuable in conserving human habitats in places like Florida, which are under attack from wild orchids, alligators and other natural encroachers.

Richard Pombo, a conservative California rancher, who proposed the overhaul of the Act, commented, "Americans have lately been under a vicious attack from the environment, a trend if it continues, could wipe the race off the face of the planet in the near future. It is time we did something to save this species from extinction in order to preserve the beautiful biodiversity contained within the earth's ecosystem."

Pombo's plan has been met with stiff resistance from Democrats and environmentalists who claim it will be detrimental to other members of the animal kingdom like the bald eagle, the California sea otter and the Florida Manatee. Pombo has retorted saying "The bald eagle, the otter and the manatee are not under attack from Osama Bin Laden. They can take care of themselves."

In other news, God, having tried to drown mankind and failing miserably, is now trying a different technique.

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