Monday, September 12, 2005

Frustrated President sets Dick Cheney loose on stubborn New Orleaners

Frustrated with the stubborn attitude of the few remaining New Orleans residents, who still refuse to evacuate the city in spite of the filth, floodwaters, lack of power, water supply and the ever-increasing possibility of an outbreak of disease, President Bush today dispatched Vice President Dick Cheney to the beleaguered city. The president hoped that the pall of terror cast by the impending arrival of the vice president would motivate the obstinate tenacious few into fleeing the city.

"I tried being nice, I tried being reasonable, but since these people decided to play hardball, I have no option but to set the vice president loose in the sludge-filled, flooded lanes and byways of New Orleans.", said the President in a news conference. "He has not been fed for a week now and is deemed to be extremely dangerous.", he added.

An expert on mutant carnivorous amphibian lifeforms with the American Museum of Natural History at New York commented on how the vice president would carry out search-and-devour operations in New Orleans. "After being introduced into the garbage-ridden sewers of the city, where his limbs would immediately metamorphose into fins and flippers, the vice president would then rely on the heat-sensors on his proboscis to efficiently zero in on any human lifeforms that may be dwelling in his immediate neighbourhood. Once in his natural habitat, the vice president is an extremely lethal killing machine, and I strongly urge anyone still in New Orleans to get the hell out."

On being asked whether there were any living organisms not in danger of being exposed to a slow, long drawn-out, excruciating disembowelment at the hands of the Vice President, the expert replied "Plumbers. He is strangely attached to plumbers."

Attempts to elicit a comment from the Vice President were met with overwhelming hostility and baring of fangs.

In other news, in a nostalgic attempt to go back in time to a less complicated period in his life, President Bush has requested Mrs Cindy Sheehan to return back to Crawford and resume her anti-war vigil because reportedly "It is easier to deal with one mother whining about one dead son than an entire nation whining about thousands of dead people."

5 comments:

Sujatha said...

Gawker, I'm beginning to think it's the template that slowing down your page. I've noticed it at other blogs that have the same template.

Wanting to go back to a less complicated phase in his life indeed!

gawker said...

Well, I guess then people should give me their postal addresses so I can mail them my posts, cos thats the only option I have left.

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

Ha ha! Loved this one... do you feast on vitriol three times a day?

gawker said...

Thanks. No, I just hate the Dick heh.

Sujatha said...

well, if that is the only way I can have my daily dose of invective, so be it, although I do expect that method to be much much slower.:))