In a stunning development that could have a huge impact on humans and their behavioral patterns, a European corporation has discovered how to manipulate humans via remote control. The Center for Humanity and Underhanded Remote Control of Humanity, also known as the C.H.U.R.C.H, based in Vatican City, has announced that it is filing a patent for this groundbreaking discovery.
A spokesman for the corporation explained the origin and maturing of the theory behind this science. "The C.H.U.R.C.H has invested a lot of time and money in the development of this technology, right from the beginning of the first millenium to the present day", commented the spokesman. "In fact, one of the first pioneers in this field was an Israel-based businessman who discovered that under the proper socio-economic conditions, humans could be influenced quite easily to do whatever one would wish them to."
The technology itself is quite complex and treatment needs to be commenced early in the life of the controlee. Beginning in early childhood, the brain of the subject needs to undergo once a week programming sessions in any one of the thousands of C.H.U.R.C.H laboratories that are scattered throughout the world. In addition to these weekly programming sessions, the subject needs to be fed a diet of bigotry everyday by his parents and instructors. However, in case the subject begins to suffer from periodic bouts of "rationality", additional counselling is readily available from these same laboratories, or from television. Soon, the young boy or girl will grow up to be a fully programmed adult who can then be manipulated very easily through remote control devices operated by someone else, most commonly a high ranking official of the C.H.U.R.C.H, or the Republican Party of America.
This technology has a variety of applications. For one, it generates employment for millions of already pre-programmed humans to program other, more nascent subjects in order to help them achieve the same state of absolute mental helplessness they themselves exist in. In addition to monetary benefits, this remote controlled state of existence reportedly imparts a greater amount of happiness to life by absolving the subject of any material responsibilities and mentally allowing the subject to disassociate himself entirely from the effect of his actions on the rest of the world.
However, another more important application is in the military use of this technology. Humans that have been programmed using this technology can be more easily induced to inflict harm on fellow humans. The controller, by flipping a switch, is able to de-activate the rational portion of the brain, allowing the programmed section of the brain to take over. Currently, this application of the technology has the largest number of verifiable users in the world.
Celebrations in Vatican City to commemorate the filing of the patent were, however marred by patent infringement lawsuits from corporations in India and the Middle-East, who claimed to have independently developed similar technology on their own.
In other news, the White House has asked President Bush to quit using the official Presidential seal as a backdrop during his televised addresses to the nation, citing regulations that disallow the use of this seal while purveying fake information to the public.