Speaking at an event organized to celebrate the re-population of the French quarter in New Orleans, President Bush declared that it was a primary goal of the federal government to raise the amount of alcohol flowing in the veins of the average New Orleans resident to reach pre-hurricane levels.
"Before Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans was a bright shining beacon of decadence and debauchery in the vast bible belt wasteland that is the South", reminded the President. "It follows therefore, that the stricken city cannot be said to have been fully reconstructed to it's original self until everyone in New Orleans achieves the same state of inebriation as they were in before."
In order to speed up normalization of life in the city, the President has announced that he is in favor of rescinding the midnight curfew imposed on New Orleans bars, justifying his position by saying, "The tremendous loss of revenue suffered by the city has to be recovered somehow in order for New Orleans to flourish and prosper. This would only be possible by removing all restrictions, and allowing people to drink twice as much as they would under normal circumstances. Also, unemployment, which is a looming threat for the city could be avoided by allowing crack whores to do twice as much business, by continuing to cajole bar drinkers out of their money in return for sexual favors, even after midnight."
New Orleans businesses have responded in kind to the President's call, putting up banners throughout the city, encouraging residents to consume more alcohol. Signs like "Body tired of swimming? Let your head swim for a change" and "Drink bitch, it's what Jesus would do" have been spotted throughout the city, contributing to the atmosphere of gaiety and hopefulness. It is expected that the return of alcoholism to the city could prove to be a jumping board for other businesses to come back as well, like drug peddling and prostitution.
Reports from all over the country indicate that most Americans support New Orlean's brave attempt to regain it's lost glory by joining in the celebrations. Kildare's, a famous Irish pub and restaurant in Philadelphia, in a poignant display of patriotism, has called for Philadelphians to provide moral support to New Orleans by doing their bit and drinking themselves silly.
In unrelated news, Google shares soared on reports that the number of narcissistic losers who google themselves has doubled since last year.